“Love is one of the greatest experiences of the human condition. But it’s also a lot of work, and society makes that work tougher than it needs to be.”
Check out the rest of the article on Elite Daily!
“Love is one of the greatest experiences of the human condition. But it’s also a lot of work, and society makes that work tougher than it needs to be.”
Check out the rest of the article on Elite Daily!
Text game isn’t really an effective strategy to get girls attracted to you. It’s designed for one thing: to get her face to face with you again.
After you met when you got her number either in person or online,she feels some way towards you on. Let’s put it on a scale of 1-10, with 1 being she has no interest and it was a pity number, and 10 being she wants to have your babies.
If she’s not flirty back, doesn’t ask any questions, or doesn’t drive the conversation, then you have to guess she is somewhere between a 3-6. A 1 or 2 wouldn’t respond, would reject you, or be extremely curt. A 7+ would be much more engaging. If she’s between a 3-6, there’s a good possibility she’s talking to a bunch of dudes and you’re not at the top of her list of interest.
Trying to force conversation and humor over text will have the opposite effect many times because you’ll be overgaming which looks needy and try-hard.
The best approach in this situation is to avoid overgaming and gauge her interest based on how she responds to going out with you. If she is a yes, she’s probably a 5-6, and the needle will move favorably when you see her if you don’t suck.
If she isn’t very receptive to the date, she’s a 3-4, and you’re basically dead until your paths cross again randomly or she re-initiates contact. Another approach, which is even stronger but takes tighter game, is to never ask a girl out in the first place who is below a 7 on this scale.
Instead I attempt to stay top of mind via Instagram/Snapchat and see if they engage in a flirty enough way to warrant an invitation. If I feel like they are 6-7 I will invite them to group things. If it’s 7+ I’ll be more inclined to invite them out solo.
Once a girl is investing, your texts don’t have to be super witty and over the top. In fact, once she is attracted to you and considering meeting up, it’s actually disadvantageous to continue joking around.
Meet her where she’s at: mirror her level of investment.
Think of the tone of your texts on a spectrum of cool and casual to over the top witty. Where you are on the scale depends on how the in-person interaction went and how attracted she was. If you had a solid connection in person, it isn’t as necessary to be witty, so you should be more casual and send more vibing texts.
On the other end of the spectrum, if you had a short interaction either at a bar or during a day game approach, you need to sell her on your personality and give her a reason to be interested and wanting to meet up. This is where the wittiness, memes, and entertaining texts are useful. Being needy is a killer, but you need to invest more in this situation.
Let’s talk about oneitis. This should feel familiar to every guy: you fixate on one specific girl, put her on a pedestal, and imagine the mental or logistical hurdles you need to overcome to get her. Often it occurs with a girl who isn’t fully sold on you yet, or maybe even has rejected you already. It leads to added pressure and makes it almost impossible to succeed.
In his book The Erotic Mind, Jack Morin details the “erotic equation”: attraction plus obstacles leads to excitement. Guess what happens when you create this kind of excitement with a woman you aren’t in a committed relationship with? Painful mental anguish, and worse, a halt to your progress as a man.
1. Recognize it for what it is
In the first six months of dating or meeting a woman you’re attracted to, you don’t actually fall in love with her. You fall in love with your idealized image of her. Truth be told, you don’t even fully know her.
We have an image of our ideal woman, and the type of person who can “make us happy.” Oneitis occurs when we find someone close to that image and we subconsciously squeeze them into the mold, trying to force the relationship. If she has a healthy relationship style (what social psychologists call secure attachment), she’s not likely to reciprocate your feelings because she barely knows you.
It’s crucial to remember that these are other human beings with their own flaws and their own internal worlds. During the first six months you can’t possibly know everything about them. You can’t accurately project what a future with them would be like, no matter how crystal clear that image may appear in your mind. Jumping into a relationship with someone quickly because your mind is telling you she’s “the one” is a perfect recipe for a toxic relationship.
So stop and say to yourself “Okay, I know she seems awesome right now, but I don’t know everything about her. She’s also just a normal person, and these feelings will change over time. If we dated for a long time, there’s a good chance we’ll get to a point where we argue over who has to take out the trash like so many other couples. Or maybe she has a dark past that I know nothing about.”
2. Flirt with everyone
You need to play the numbers game so you develop an effective abundance philosophy. You should be hitting on every girl you see, ALL THE TIME until you stop doing this. Face rejection over and over until you’re not afraid of it.
Flirting takes practice and you need to be doing it consistently to see results. Flirt with everyone. Playfully tease your friends, be sarcastic (but not condescending), lie and get caught, and use every other tactic we discuss for flirting. Practice this stuff and it will come out when you need it.
You’ve heard me say it over and over, but if you expect to get results and you’re not crushing approaches or already dating multiple women, it’s just not gonna happen.
The more I think about it, the simpler it gets. Being a guy who can get girls requires a mixture of the right amount of vulnerability and assertiveness, and the skill to recognize which situations call for which. Guys who can’t attract women aren’t being assertive enough. Guys who can’t connect with women aren’t being vulnerable enough. Oneitis is a clear indicator that you’re not being assertive enough.
I know that when you’re feeling oneitis, this is the last thing you want to do. I know it’s painful. You’re not the first guy to experience this and you’re certainly not the last. Not a lot of guys will admit they’ve experienced it, and it’s more common among young guys than you might expect.
It’s part of the process, and you ultimately determine if you want to learn from it and move forward or get stuck.
3. Strengthen your friendships
The hard truth is that you’re experiencing this because you’re lonely. Loneliness might not be the singular cause, but throw an intriguing woman into a petri dish of loneliness, and oneitis is sure to grow.
Craving the affection and the attention of one specific girl is a mental strategy to combat loneliness. Everyone experiences some level of social disconnection; it’s simply part of the human condition. You experience oneitis when your mind creates a fantasy world to fight that sense of disconnection, and you project that fantasy on the women you meet.
Step 2 was to begin approaching other woman, and that works because it creates a philosophy of abundance. Strengthening your friendships with both men and women works in a different way: this strategy attacks your pervasive loneliness.
Cultivate meaningful relationships in your life other than dating relationships. You need to fill the void in yourself (that can’t be filled by another person) with meaningful pursuits and fulfilling friendships. Connect with guys who share your interests. Focus on your hobbies and do them with other people.
Build your own sense of identity, community, and purpose, rather than hoping for a woman to take away all your problems.
Putting it all together
Frantic obsession over someone you barely know is not healthy.
Yes, that feeling of meeting someone new who seems AWESOME can be fun. But don’t let that feeling cause you to place others on a pedestal. It’ll only prevent you from improving as a person: it makes you self-conscious, worry that you’re not good enough, not commit to approaching, walk on eggshells, and get desperate.
The best thing you can do is express yourself and be as sincere and authentic as possible. Be vulnerable, express yourself, and be assertive. That can filter out people who you wouldn’t be happy with, and take off your rose-colored glasses.
On this episode, we host Jeff Callahan from Become More Compelling to discuss building charisma, advancing your conversation and social skills, approaching women and going on dates, and more.
Jeff helps driven, professional people sharpen their social skills and charisma so that they can have more successful careers, relationships, and social lives. Jeff has been featured on INC., Elite Daily, Pick The Brain, The Friend Formula and others.
Free Resource for Leverage Podcast listeners:
On this episode, you’ll learn:
What happens to a club promoter’s social life when he leaves that world behind for a regular job?
Today we’re checking in with Ben, a Leverage moderator and master networker who has likability down to a science. You may remember Ben from the Leverage Podcast, where he discussed how he got started as a promoter and his approach to meeting women. If you haven’t listened to that episode, check it out.
Ben has left the club promoting world but still manages to maintain an amazing social life. He’s back to share with you his insights from his transition.
When Ben was a full-time club promoter, he was constantly surrounded by hot women. Contrary to most pickup advice, he found that the less work he did, the better results he got. It’s a unique scenario that depended on being surrounded by hot women, but anyone who consciously makes friendships with lots of women instead of trying to hook up with all of them can use the same strategy.
Even though he’s no longer promoting, he has still found that with his current lifestyle, he also “games” very little and keeps it extremely simple: “I like to think my ‘game’ nowadays is just being a decent human, connecting with and adding value to others. This generally leads to beneficial long term relationships if you pick the right people.”
Ben’s experience resonates with mine. I’ve also found that the better I’ve gotten over the years, the less I need to “game,” which can be described as trying to impress someone rather than expressing yourself.
His current approach consists of several simple, yet important components.
Ben uses these components to surround himself with hot women despite avoiding nightclubs, spending his time in yoga studios, and no longer drinking.
Ben continues, “I usually consciously ‘friend zone’ girls to see what happens later. Friend zoning girls generally drives them nuts and makes it ridiculously easy to turn it into something later, on your terms, if you actually find she’s worth your time. That said, this is only the case if YOU make the decision to friend zone her. That must be clear to her, not the other way around.”
In Ukraine you must be serious. It’s a serious country and colors are not serious.
Recently I’ve been using a new method to drastically simplify my wardrobe, and getting more compliments than ever. It’s the easiest system I’ve found so far to make fashion (or more accurately, style) easy. But first, why is the way you dress even important? Why should you even care?
A lot of men have the misconception that the clothing they wear only matters to “shallow” women, and the women they want to date aren’t “superficial.” They’re mistaken for a variety of reasons.
If you don’t know how to dress, it immediately sends out a signal you’re not dynamic. Your appearance is the easiest and fastest way to communicate a message to others as to whether or not you’re worth spending time with.
Humans make social judgments about others subconsciously. While it’s tempting to say your clothes and appearance shouldn’t matter because it’s a superficial judgement, the reality is, we all judge each other based on appearance.
It’s important to remember this happens subconsciously. Women aren’t into your clothes per se. They’re into what they convey about your personality. The way you dress conveys your lifestyle, profession, passion and character traits. Everything you put on is a billboard advertising to women who you are as a person. This is why it’s crucial to send the right signals through the way you dress, and why this isn’t about superficiality.
Now that we’ve gotten that out of the way, what’s the new strategy I’ve been using?
Dress in all blacks and greys.
I switched to this wardrobe about a month ago. This is a basic strategy for someone who travels a lot, wants to make their life as easy as possible and still look good without knowing much about fashion.
I started using this method based on the advice of one of our Leverage fashion consultants, but I also just recently came across this blog article advising the same technique. I have to agree with the author’s points:
It’s money and so much easier than maintaining my previous wardrobe. I pretty much do only black and grey. Grey is a good addition to all blacks as described in the article because it also goes with everything and gives you a bit more variation. You can play around with different textures of grey clothing too.
What if people notice you’re wearing the same close every day? They won’t. Dark colors are a classic look. You just need some variety with your shirts, pants, jackets, and shoes.
Getting more advanced
Not everyone wants to use this strategy, and I get that. I’m more nomadic and more minimalist than the average guy. So how can you simplify a more advanced wardrobe?
The number one rule that covers 80% of the way is to always buy classic garments in neutral colors with a somewhat modern fit where applicable. This means you don’t attempt going fashion forward based on a single piece, but on the full combination (from “nice jacket” to “you look great!”).
There’s only a handful of classic garments you need. With the basics covered, picking them in neutral colors like navy, khaki, charcoal, olive, etc., you can pick up some colors and patterns, like pastel colored v-necks and tees, a colored chino or two in pastel or dark hue for maximum flexibility, or some buttoned-down shirt patterns. Depending on where you live, you may need winter/summer specific garments. Or just get more grey and black layers for the winter.
Go to Target, Zara, H&M, Nordstrom or wherever, and look at what the mannequins are wearing. Most of the time, you can simply buy those clothes. Get 7 or so outfits, and cycle through them in your day-to-day life. It’s not difficult, and it’s a great way to get started.
If you want, pick a fashion piece every six months. This is something that follows a current trend that will sooner than later fade (e.g. the bright colored chino or crazy pattern shirts crazes) and deepen your seasonal game.
Fit is crucial. Your shirt should gently hug your rib cage; your jeans should angle slightly down toward the floor and lightly hug your quads. Style is more important than fashion so you don’t have to read GQ every season, but know the general trends. Baggy jeans are done. Throw them away. They’ve been done forever, and they make you look like an idiot. Black, shiny, square-toed dress shoes aren’t a great look, either. Your Kenneth Cole Reactions should go in the garbage.
The lesson: Women don’t date guys who dress poorly, unless they’re rock stars in some other area of their lives. Go buy some clothes that fit your body and are in style to give off a more dynamic vibe, and wear blacks and greys for maximum simplicity.
I’m 5’8 and almost obese. I’ve never received attention from women the past year despite becoming more social. 3 years ago, when I was almost 40 pounds slimmer, I took a summer class and I noticed the prettiest girl in class hitting on me. However I was too aloof to notice that she was interested. Why do people keep saying that attracting women relies on confidence when my experience proves otherwise?
When people say that being attractive to women relies on confidence, they’re correct. But being attractive isn’t solely about confidence. A healthy sense of confidence isn’t enough to overcome deficits that make you unattractive, like being out of shape. The only guys who can get away with being out of shape are exceptionally attractive in other crucial categories. I’m talking celebrity status, being a multi-millionaire (a sign of career success), or being off the charts in charisma and likability.
Ranked by importance, not being unattractive comes before being attractive. This means that unattractive traits will disqualify you before attractive traits even have a chance to make you a qualified candidate.
A preference for men being in good shape is not a superficial desire by women, by any means. It’s actually an effective way for them to gather information about you as a potential partner, short-term or long-term, because your physique is an accurate indicator of deeper physical and psychological traits. It demonstrates your overall physical health, your ability to be conscientious and maintain a healthy diet, and your self-esteem.
This has roots in human evolutionary history, where the men whose genes with the highest likelihood of being passed on were those who could effectively hunt, fish, protect their family, and survive in the wild. As a result, women have an innate preference for guys who are in good shape. They aren’t looking for a bodybuilder or powerlifter type body- that would have been a disadvantage in our evolutionary environment, and could even be interpreted as a sign of sexual insecurity. They’re just looking for low body fat and developed musculature. Picture a swimmer’s physique or a lean Crossfitter and you’re on the right track.
As with everything in dating, context matters. Women’s preferences will vary depending on your audience. Looks matter more to girls who are young and inexperienced with dating. As women get older and look to settle down and have a family, looks hardly matter at all, taking a back seat to personality and confidence. If you’re going for girls who are mature enough to see past the Billy Biceps of the world, looks may give you a slight boost in attracting her interest and attention, but that’s about it. I’m guessing that the girl in your class was younger and less experienced with dating, so she would tend to favor the more superficial traits like pure physical attractiveness.
Regardless of your audience, getting in better shape remains one of the easiest things you can do to improve your attractiveness. You said you’re almost obese, which means that if you clean up your diet and get on a good exercise regimen, you’ll quickly make progress on your physique and become more attractive.
Lately it seems like there are two categories of questions I get asked more than anything else: conversation skills and texting. And you could argue that texting questions fall under conversation skills- texting feels like a different language, but all the principles of conversation skills apply to texting.
Guys often tell me that their mind goes blank in the middle of a conversation. How do you stop running out of things to say?
We all want to know how to make someone feel truly heard and listened to. What if you could provide someone with that rare experience they’re likely to remember you for?
We know that putting people on a pedestal destroys our ability to connect with them. But that’s so abstract. What is the actual antidote for approval-seeking behavior?
Dan is an expert on communication and the psychology of how we build lasting relationships. But more importantly, he’s also an expert on breaking down this psychology into practical tips. He starts out the episode with three steps you can start using right away to get out of your head and into the present moment, no matter how nervous you feel in a conversation.
That’s just the tip of the iceberg. The practical gems continue for 55 minutes, so there you have it: how to up your conversation game in less than an hour.
My favorite part is when Dan shares his formula for developing new relationships by transitioning from small talk to deeper topics of emotional connection. You’ll learn to navigate the four phases of a conversation: cliches, facts, opinions, and feelings. Trust me, this framework is a game-changer.
Check out the podcast now and start upping your conversation game right away.
On this episode, we host Dan Chang from The Friend Formula to discuss conversation skills, small talk, getting out of your head, and more.
On this episode, we interview Bryant to discuss BDSM.
Does any of this sound familiar? I’m a smart, funny, and cool dude, but when I get around really hot chicks, its like my mind goes blank and my IQ drops 50 points. I can’t think of anything to say … Read More
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