Rejection Is Fun!
Last night I’m out with a small group of students at a new bar in West L.A.
At one point in the night we are talking to a group of cute girls on the patio. One of the girls mentions that she has to leave by midnight or she’ll turn into a pumpkin.
Then she says that if she keeps drinking she’ll get bloated and her face will get filled with pox.
I misunderstand her and say “Did you just say that you’ll get bloated and you’ll get filled with cock?”
She starts laughing hysterically and playfully punches my arm. I exit the conversation in hopes that the attraction she’s feeling towards me will wear off on the student next to me.
Prior to going out we did a bunch of drills to help them get over their approach anxiety and have fun opening conversations. We were using some fairly edgy openers. But all of the guys in attendance had zero approach anxiety by the end of the night and we all had a great time.
How is it possible to say edgy things and deliver risky openers without worrying about what happens afterward?
A conversation I had with one of my students who is a little older and less comfortable in bar environments really stood out to me. We were talking about the importance of having a group of supportive people to make this process of a lot easier and more fun.
One of the biggest phrases that is tossed around in the Inner Game community is “Learn to not give a shit!”
I heard a slew of others presenters speak about this last week at a event where I also spoke. I think this concept is completely bankrupt.
How can you actually not give a shit? I guarantee that any man on this planet would rather have a beautiful woman give him a kiss then throw a drink in his face after he approached her.
If you engage in an activity you by default “give a shit,” otherwise you wouldn’t do it.
So let’s tweak the phrase a little and call it “Not being outcome dependent.”
You approach her, she pours a drink on your head but at the end of the day, you are glad you did it, you learned a ton from the experience, and you are ready to try again. If this is your attitude, you will continue to improve, regardless of the outcome of your interactions.
When I look back on my progress, I remember a very distinct three month period where I improved dramatically. During those three months I went out with a great group of guys (and sometimes girls) on a weekly basis and we pushed the hell out of our comfort zones in a fun way.
We challenged each other to do crazy stuff and no matter what came of it, we always found a way to laugh and have fun with the process.
One night we were out in the Marina District of San Francisco. We drew straws and the loser had to approach a group of women using the most ridiculous and offensive opening line we could think of.
I came up with the winning line.
“Hey, not to be Mr. Johny Greaseball, but I would really like to stick my big toe in your vagina.”
THANK GOD I didn’t pick the short straw!!
My friend Maurice picked it and completely crashed and burned with the line. The girls were shocked, awed and totally offended and called him horrible names. Afterward we all had a great laugh about it and he loved every minute of it.
Who do you think grew the most from that experience? Yup, he did.
If you want to develop social skills and learn to stop being outcome dependent, having a support group is the best way.
If you don’t have a group like this, finding one should be your number one priority if you want to improve this area of your life.
Cheers,
Robbie Kramer
This article was simultaneously posted on ApproachAnxiety.com
Thanks Gary, it was funny because a handful of guys came up to me during the dinner break and all they were talking about is how to not give a shit. I was thinking, if you’re talking about it right now, aren’t you completely defeating the purpose. HAHA
I’m glad you mentioned the “don’t give a shit” thing because I didn’t get it while I was there. Or HOW to just not give a shit when you clearly do. Good advice. Look forward to seeing more.
To add to this, you also need a way to make sure that your support group actually takes action.
The support group I had was a group of fellow coaches. We had to take action because if we didn’t, we would look like complete fools in front of our students. That created the urgency to actually go out and push our comfort zones.
Once we started we became addicted and it got easier and more fun. The hardest part about getting started is getting started. If this area of your life is important to you, it won’t get done.
If it is urgent, you’ll find a way to make it work. The difference between things that are urgent and things that are important is that important things get pushed off for things that are urgent.
If something is urgent, it means there is a cost or punishment associated for not doing it. The secret for me was creating a structure that got me into action by penalizing me if I didn’t take any. Hope that helps.
Once you read Body language with certain skill is easy. Last saturday I actually guided a girl to reject me step by step until she said. No, Thank you because she wanted to avoid the awkwardness. Another one was when I excused myself when a girl I liked went looking for a cigarette because I do not like smoking. I simply told them I don’t like smoking and I smoked for 13 years. To set clearly that’s a boundary and that I’m not judging them.
It’s great when your friends are there to go out with you and laugh after the rejections. It can also be therapeutic to talk about old rejections with your friends and laugh about it.
In a certain sense, this is the main benefit of having a therapist. Simply talking about experiences takes away the soul-crushing burden of having to carry that on your own. You get another perspective and there’s less shame, that feeling that you’ve done something wrong and the entire world thinks ill of you. Those past rejections from years ago can still haunt you in the present day.
Eric