First off, if you’ve never head of banter, let me explain.  Banter is playful conversation.  The point of it is to have fun.  Even if you think you cannot banter, I assure you, everyone can in their most comfortable setting.  You probably constantly banter with your good buddies without even realizing it by giving them shit, teasing them and bullshitting.

The big misconception about banter is guys tend to give it more value as an attraction tool then its really worth. Banter does NOT generate attraction. Banter can amp up attraction but only if you are using it to increase tension while staying grounded. Banter will work for some guys and not for others because some guys use it as a tension release while others use it effectively to increase the tension and thus increasing sexual tension and attraction. If you have an approval seeking nice guy syndrome then banter can cause girls to see you as more of friend or boytoy at best rather then a guy who is solid and sexy. I could go on an on about this subject because I used to run more banter then anyone I ever met and I was good at it, but it only worked when I wasn’t seeking validation and releasing tension. Notice how often you are laughing nervously after delivering a banter line or give off nervous smiles. Try going out for a night and meeting women without bantering at all and see how it makes you feel. The other reason why your banter might be off is because you are constantly disconnecting. When you are disconnected and you banter you’ll either come across as a dancing monkey or asshole.

Here is the logical next question after understanding how banter works…

“How do you suggest I work on maintaining groundedness while bantering (e.g. not releasing tension, or seeking validation)?”

Well the first step to change is consciousness. So start to notice your reactions immediately after you use a banter line. Ask yourself “Am I nervous right now?” “Am I laughing genuinely or am I tension releasing?” “Am I seeking approval or just humoring myself and inviting her to join in?”

Then you want to work on staying grounding in tenser and tenser situations. Some guys can stay very grounded around their friends, but add a hot girl to the equation and it takes them out. I like to think of staying grounded in the midst of tension in 4 stages.

1. Can you stay grounded in a peaceful/harmonious environment (meditating in woods for example or sitting in your living room)
2. Can you stay grounded in a hectic environment (venice beach boardwalk/nightclub)
3. Can you stay grounded in a hectic environment with a huge spike of energy (hot girl testing you at a nightclub, car crash with injured people)
4. Can you stay grounded by creating tension and using it to your advantage (business negotiation, direct/sexual approach)

The key is to move through the stages and eventually be grounded in the most intense situations and then start using tension to your advantage by creating it. An example of this would be a super ballsy direct opener with a huge sexual undertone. If the idea of that scares the shit out of you, then you aren’t ready. Any exercise that increases tension will give you insights into how grounded you are and practice makes perfect.

Popularity: 2% [?]