Traditionally, peacocking might mean wearing black nail polish or goggles or Matrix-style trench coats to get attention.
I’ve even seen dudes dress up in full-on costumes in a lame effort to stand out from the crowd.
They stand out from the crowd, all right.
That method of peacocking might work for some people but for the most part, it’s absolutely ridiculous and makes you look like an idiot more than it gets you laid.
Go for Subtlety
Less is more. The only way I’ve ever peacocked that’s worked has been to wear one thing that’s subtle.
If a girl wants to talk to you and you’re wearing a $20 Swatch watch, she’ll say, “Oh my god! I love your watch…”
This is often her way of communicating, “I think you’re awesome, I want to talk to you.”
And even if she really did just want to compliment you on your watch, you at least have her 1-on-1 attention to win her over.
Subtle peacocking doesn’t scream, “Look at me!” It gives a woman a reason to initiate conversation with you without looking like a slut in front of her friends.
I had a friend who, for an entire year, wore a bright purple fuzzy hat every night. All his buddies gave him shit, but he’d walk into a bar and within a matter of minutes some girl would come up to him and say, “Oh, I love your hat!” She’d start touching it. They’d start talking. And as soon as she put the hat on, he knew who he was taking home that night.
By the way, if a chick takes your clothes, you know she’s into you. It’s a very personal act to put on another person’s clothes. If she puts on your jacket, your sunglasses, your hat, whatever, it’s a sign you’re on the right track.
Pick Your Peacock Poison
I got a pin from my buddy that’s a “Fun Meter.”
On the meter, there are three options: Having an OK Time, Having Fun, and AWESOME! I’d put the pin on, set it to whichever dial I felt like, and start talking to people.
I can’t tell you how many women have walked up to me to play with my Fun Meter.
But before you run out to buy a Fun Meter pin or a purple fuzzy hat, remember that your subtle peacock piece has to match your personality.
If you’re the mysterious, brooding type, a Fun Meter is not going to work for you.
Pick something that feels right that you think will invite girls to come talk to you, and then try it out. Some things will work, others won’t.
The Lesson: Peacocking for the sake of peacocking is a waste of time and it makes you look ridiculous. Go for subtlety with the intention of extending an invitation for girls to come talk to you and you’ll see results – if you’re doing everything else right [LINK: The Secret to Being a Social Beast].
People ask me all the time, “What’s your secret to dating hot chicks, and how can I be more like you?”
I can tell you, and I’m going to in just a minute, but you have to understand that you’re not going to become a social master in a day.
Pulling your ideal chick is the result of a massive body of work.
That body of work is essentially a lot of social practice: dating a lot of women, meeting a lot of women, having a lot of friends.
So, what’s my secret? I have a massive amount of practice, experience and repetitions under my belt. And I hang out with people that add tons of value to my life.
These are always people I would label as cool – The 3 Stages of Cool
Now lets talk about your behavior in social situations.
You have to understand the social flow of every situation so you can adapt, pivot and respond correctly at any moment and still make it look effortless.
Think of an MMA fighter. You watch them fight on television, but you don’t really understand what’s happening. You just think they have mad skills. But really, these guys are putting in eight hours of work a day for ten years: it’s all tactical, strategic skills. There are millions of moves.
It’s the same thing when it comes to being socially adept.
Start hanging out with more people, but not just any people. You have to hang out with the coolest kids you can find because they are better than you, socially.
When I was a kid I loved hockey and I still play.
At 14, I realized that they only way for me to get better at hockey was to play with people who were better than me. At that point I stopped playing with kids younger than me that I could easily beat and exclusively played with adults and the older high school and college kids.
I hung out with the cool kids, I went the rink 6 days a week, and I got good.
Overcome the Barrier to Entry
When it comes to hanging out with the cool kids, there’s definitely a barrier to entry.
Cool people have what I call a “Dork Forcefield.” Within a matter of seconds a cool kid will be able to tell if you’re a dork or not, and if you think you’re hiding your geek-ness, you’re wrong.
Dorks will only slow me down.
Think of it this way: if I’m out partying, I’m trying to have fun and meet chicks, go to the after parties and let loose. A dork is only going to be dead weight and slow me down.
He’s gonna be uncomfortable which will make others uncomfortable around him and he’ll turn to me (his friend) for support. This will make people in turn repel me as well.
There’s no way I’m hanging out with a dork, unless I think he has a skillset I can leverage or a service he can provide me. If that’s the case, then he gets to bypass the forcefield because there’s a mutually beneficial exchange happening.
Utilizing his services, we might even build a friendship.
The Lesson: Make friends with the coolest kids you can find.
Leverage your resources as social currency.
I don’t know how many graphic designers and programmers I’ve taken out who later say, “Man, I’ve slept with more girls in the last four months than I have in the past ten years.”
And I say, “Well yeah, of course.”
The ability to integrate with the cool kids is crucial to being able to attract hot girls.
A lot of people think that “cool” is a group, and when we talk about “cool kids,” it’s slightly misleading. “Cool” is not a group.
It’s a way of being, and there are three stages to it.
Stage 1 of Cool: The Trimmings
This is the most basic level of cool, it’s the entry level.
And when I say “trimmings” I’m talking about your clothes and your physical appearance.
95% of the time, geeks and nerds are wearing clothes that are too big for them and it instantly gives them away as not cool.
Unless you’re a celebrity, millionaire businessman, or you have something else really awesome going for you, you have to dress well to attract girls. If you don’t know how, read this – The Easiest Way to Become More Dynamic.
There’s no excuse for dressing like an idiot.
I guarantee that you will never see a 9 with an out-of-shape, poorly dressed dude unless he’s loaded or has something else going for him.
Go to the gym and get some clothes that actually fit to achieve the most basic stage of cool.
Don’t Fool Yourself
I hate it when I hear guys say, “I just want to meet a nice girl who doesn’t buy into all this ‘cool’ stuff.” Don’t conclude that you can’t have something so therefore you don’t like it.
This is called cognitive dissonance.
No one wants to hang out with a hater! The hottest chicks spend at least an hour a day working out, so you should, too.
If you want to get girls who are fit and smart and have money, you have to dress well and be in shape. Don’t kid yourself.
Stage 2 of Cool: Ease
You can tell if someone’s at stage 2 of cool if you feel comfortable around them. If you feel relaxed, and they put other people at ease, that person is cool.
They have an ability to be a chameleon: they can adapt to any social situation and fit in with any crowd.
More importantly, this person doesn’t make you feel awkward. Geeks make you feel awkward because they are uncomfortable with themselves and emotions are contagious. Cool people who are comfortable with themselves put you at ease, too.
When you get to this point, women will feel good around you.
They will be much more willing to open up and connect with you. This level of comfort and confidence is what they’re looking for, and they’ll be able to see it in your body language, eye contact, and conversation. At stage 2 you can do really well with women.
Stage 3 of Cool: Not Giving A Fuck
It appears that some people are born with a cool gene. Nope, they learned it through osmosis from their parents, siblings, friends and social circle at a young age.
You always know who they are because they simply don’t give a fuck about things that aren’t fuckworthy.
In other words, they don’t sweat the small stuff. People who are naturally cool are indifferent about most things; they don’t get excited about ordinary stuff.
On the other hand, geeks are constantly getting uber excited about things that aren’t a big deal.
The guys who developed this stuff early on are usually called “naturals”: they just know what to do at all times, and they don’t give too much of a shit what you think of them.
These guys were typically the tallest, best looking kids in school who also excelled in team sports.
The varsity quarterback wins prom king almost every year right?
For a more scientific look at this, check out this podcast: How The Latest Research On High Performance Applies to Dating/Success With Women.
Not everyone grows up to be a natural but you can take steps to improve your attractiveness. Let us help you identify which stage of cool you’re in, and make changes to up your game.
Being dynamic is the whole package – 360 degrees of awesome — and girls will pretty much do anything to be with a guy who’s dynamic.
If you don’t know how to dress, it immediately sends out a signal that you’re not dynamic. Your appearance is the easiest and fastest way to communicate a message to others as to whether or not you’re worth spending time with.
To a hot chick, if you don’t know how to dress, it means that you probably don’t have cool friends, which means that you probably don’t party much or get laid ever. She’ll make this assessment in a split second and you’re done.
The One Exception to Dressing Well
There is only one kind of dude that’s an exception to the universal law of dressing fashionably: he’s someone who’s a rock star in some other part of his life. I have a bunch of MMA buddies, as an example. These guys are white trash. They dress like shit, but they’re badass motherfuckers with 2% body fat and they’ve literally been paid to beat the shit out of people. Chicks are into that.
Another example: if you’re some quasi-famous Silicon Valley millionaire, you’re exempt from this rule. You can dress in a potato sack and chicks will still be all over you since they already know who you are. If they don’t recognize you, well then you’re no better off.
For everyone else, you have to step up your fashion game if you don’t want hot girls to shoot you down instantly.
How Dressing Like an Idiot Destroyed this Guy’s Odds
I had a business partner who was great with girls one-on-one. He was funny, charming and he was solid. But his opening game was zero: he was a total math dork, he was completely bald at 31 and he dressed like shit. I told him all the time that he dressed like shit but he was stubborn as hell and wouldn’t do anything about it.
So we go to a club in the Meatpacking District with a couple of smoke shows I know. We get to the door of this club and the bouncer says to me, “Look, you guys are fine but I can’t let this guy in,” gesturing to my business partner.
I said to the bouncer, “He’s my business partner. You have to let him in.” But he wouldn’t. So this guy missed out on a chance to hang with girls that are much younger and much hotter than most girls he usually hangs out with because he wouldn’t go to Zara or Nordstrom and buy some decent clothes.
The Quick Fix for Fashion
If you want to make a change that will make a huge difference, go buy some new clothes. Let’s just be clear: I’m not talking about name brand only. I’ve seen dudes walk in to the room with $350 shoes that look ridiculous. I’m talking about being in style, regardless of the brand name.
Go to Target, Zara, H&M, Nordstrom or wherever and look at what the mannequins are wearing. Most of the time, you can buy those clothes. Get 10 or so outfits and cycle through them in your day-to-day life. It’s not quite that easy but that’s a great start.
Your shirt should gently hug your rib cage; your jeans should angle slightly down toward the floor and lightly hug your quads. Baggy jeans are done – throw away your baggy jeans. They’ve been done forever and they make you look like an idiot. Black shiny, square toed dress shoes make you look like a middle manager loser. Your Kenneth Cole Reactions go in the garbage.
The Lesson: Hot girls don’t date guys that dress like shit unless they’re rock stars in some other area of their lives. Go buy some clothes that fit your body and are in style to give off a more dynamic vibe.
Guys who suck with women fall into a few of the same categories over and over. Sorry, but you’re not a special snowflake.
But this is a good thing: we’ve figured out the exact reasons why most guys suck, and we know what the fix is.
1. You have social anxiety
Whether this means you have approach anxiety or a general uneasiness in all social situations, this is one of the more common reasons why guys don’t do well with women. How could you make a woman feel comfortable with you if you don’t even feel comfortable with yourself?
The fix: More approaches and a mindset shift. When you’ve approached hundreds or thousands of women, you’ll reach a point where it’s physiologically impossible for you to feel anxiety. You can cut this time down by having the right mindset. Psychological research has shown that unwillingness to experience anxiety in a social interaction is MORE CONNECTED to social anxiety disorder than anxiety itself! There’s a lot of science to unpack there. What it means is that when you’re willing to experience anxiety, it stops being a disorder. So go make more approaches and feel anxious. It’s a good sign.
2. You are naturally introverted
A misconception with a lot of dating advice is that since a lot of guys who are naturally good with women are extroverted, you need to develop that personality type to also become good with women. Not true! Introverts do awesome with women when they’re in a situation that allows them to show their personalities. Ever heard of the “strong, silent type?” It’s an iconic image of what an attractive man looks like. James Bond is definitely not an extrovert.
The fix: So the problem isn’t being introverted, it’s either 1) introverts trying to fake being extroverted, or 2) introverts who are putting themselves in the wrong environments. If you’re more of an introvert, spend more energy approaching women during the day. Spend less time at rowdy bars, unless you’re practicing a specific social skill. Instead of getting bottles at a nightclub every weekend, host dinner parties where people approach you. Pretending doesn’t work, so tailor your environment to your personality.
3. You don’t know what you’re doing
Our society fails in teaching young men how to relate to women, and the skills needed to create the types of relationships they want with women. Growing up, guys are not taught how to cultivate and display character traits that women find attractive.
One example: men communicate to convey information, not emotions. Women communicate to share emotions, and it’s not a style of communication that men naturally excel at. Women care about things that move them, that touch them, and that make them feel something. Men like to share information and facts.
Guys who grew up without masculine role models, who didn’t play sports, or who are loners may suck because they simply haven’t developed the social skills that women respond to. They might not have any of the other problems discussed here, but when they interact with women, they just don’t know what to do.
Guys who don’t know what they’re doing often don’t have social anxiety. These guys have the opposite problem. Rather than being excessively tuned in to the thoughts of others, they’re socially oblivious. This can be even more difficult to fix, since being oblivious means you’re ignoring all the social feedback others provide when you interact with them. So what should you do?
The fix: surround yourself with mentors and learn via osmosis. Simple, but not necessarily easy (unless you have the right coaching, that is).
4. You have a boring lifestyle
Here’s some common sense that too many guys ignore. You need to be around women to be able to attract them. You need to have an interesting life in order to have hot women want to be a part of it. If you only get out of your house to go to work and go grocery shopping, you aren’t likely to meet the kind of women you really want. If you don’t think your life is exciting, then why would a woman want to be a part of it?
Your attractiveness as a man depends on the context of your life. If you live in a boring neighborhood 45 minutes outside of all the bars and clubs in your city, you’re sending the message to women that you aren’t connected socially, and that’s a huge turnoff.
The fix: Design the lifestyle that you really want to live. It’s no surprise that when guys start doing activities like improv, Crossfit, hosting dinner parties, and daygame, they meet better women passively through their new lifestyle.
5. You are too risk averse
“But what if she rejects me?”
“What if I run out of things to say?”
“But what if other guys are watching?”
These questions are just smokescreens. The real issue is that you’re afraid to take a risk. You’re playing to lose, instead of playing to win.
The fix: Ban “what if” questions from your mind. Take a risk, then deal with the consequences if it goes poorly. Guess what, in social interactions, the consequences are never as drastic as your risk averse mind tells you they will be. Getting rejected stings, but only temporarily. Feeling embarrassed is painful, but it won’t make your dick fall off. You can deal with it.
6. You have bad luck with women
No you don’t. The first rule of fight club is forget all the bullshit you think you know.
The fix: I’ve listened to guys strategize about how to get girls for years and what they miss is:
1. Don’t figure out how to get a girl. Figure out how to be a man that women want.
2. Being a social genius is more important than anything when it comes to women, social circles, companionship, fun, etc.
If I go 2/10 from the free throw line, I had bad luck.
If I go 2/500 at bat in a full season of Professional Major League Baseball season I didn’t have bad luck. I was ill-prepared, competing with people I was not capable of competing with, and I probably walked into this MLB season with ideas about baseball that were incorrect.
You don’t have bad luck with women. You performed poorly. With Inner Confidence, you will learn how to perform and remove luck from the equation.