A Leverage Program member asked:
Met a girl in the private apartment gym tonight. I just finished working out and she walked in and went to the treadmill so I also went to the treadmill.
I opened her with “Wanna race?” We talked for about 15 minutes and I invited her to go bike riding sometime. She asked if she can use one of my extra bikes. I realize that I deviated from the standard protocol by asking her for a bike ride instead of a bar or coffee date and Robbie said that these type of dates are good second dates. It’s just that I felt that she was more likely to say yes to that. It felt more like a natural continuation of walking on the treadmills and talking and in doing so I did not feel like I was doing a date surprise on her: “We’ve been having a nice conversation for 15 minutes but SURPRISE I just want to take you to the bar.”
Can you guys please help straighten me out on this? I was thinking of texting her “Hey Katie, it was random meeting you at the treadmills last night. I totally won the race, btw.”
Great question. Here’s how you’re going wrong:
- If she wants to hang out with you, it should be because she is attracted to you and she wants to spend time with you. Otherwise she’s just gonna think you’re a homosexual who wants to go bike riding with her.
- What value does “nice chatting with you or nice meeting you” bring to a text interaction? It’s lame content. Why not follow the protocol and send her the flip the script text…oh wait, you can’t because you were never direct and now you’re in a weird spot with her.See how that works? When you show no sexual intent you enter into no man’s land. Sounds like this was just a boring conversation at the gym. I would send something more aggressive to see where you stand with her. “Hitting on you at the gym yesterday made my workout far less boring, and destroying you in that race was also a nice confidence booster. I probably owe you a drink or something 🙂“
- If you’ve been vibing and having a good conversation for 15 minutes, why would meeting for drinks be out of place? The actual content you discussed is just the surface level of the interaction. If she actually likes you because your body language and conversation skills are strong, she doesn’t care if you ride bikes or grab drinks. She just wants to get to know you and the activity doesn’t matter.If your conversation was only about treadmills and riding bikes, then you try to hang out with her and just ride bikes, it’s very possible that she thinks you just wanted a workout buddy.
- The first date is not just for them. It’s also for you to make sure she’s worth investing any more time, money and energy into. It’s harder to evaluate that on a bike 😉
I recently took my client, Scott, out for an intense daygame session to help break his approach and social anxiety.
He did awesome and hit on 25 girls in a span of 2 hours using the techniques we teach in the Daygame Ebook. (grab a free copy by clicking the link)
Notice how Scott has a ton of support from the other members, I’m holding him accountable via a bet and we’re all pushing for him to get past his excuses.
The problem is that approach anxiety can be a bitch, and you can see how hard he is resisting.
Trying to get over hurdles like this on your own is almost impossible.
Not only that but it’s not nearly as fun.
Below you’ll find a screen capture from a conversation in the Leverage Program.
Guys often ask about lying to women, and if it’s an effective strategy to reaching their attraction goals.
If you want to be the guy who lies to get women, you can totally be that guy.
No one is going to stop you, and you may see some short-term results.
We’re definitely not going to be the ones to moralistic on you, because we understand where you’re coming from.
The thing is, it’s not the most effective way to get women.
At first glance, lying may seem like a shortcut, or a “hack” in the system.
However, hot women have very good BS detectors that have been honed through a lifetime of social interaction.
They are constantly in the limelight, and because of getting constant opportunities to socialize, they pick up on social cues you don’t even realize you’re sending.
Women in general are better at reading social cues than men, so more often than not, lying isn’t the shortcut that guys often perceive it to be.
So what actually works?
The trick is to figure out what natural personality strengths and traits you have, identify your target market where women value those characteristics, and continue to develop your personality.
Different types of women will respond to your approach differently depending on if it’s day versus night, what type of venue you’re at, the city you’re in, the social activity you’re engaged in, and a lot of deeper social factors we discuss in the Inner Confidence Leverage program.
In the short run and long run, this will net you better results and more fulfillment.
It’s one of those things in life that’s simple, but not easy: develop the things about yourself that you want to develop, and identify the women who value those specific things.
This is why it’s CRUCIAL to know your target audience.
It’s too bad, right?
Unfortunately, this is one of those situations where Michael Jordan’s advice that “Nothing of value comes without being earned” is definitely true.
Traditionally, peacocking might mean wearing black nail polish or goggles or Matrix-style trench coats to get attention.
I’ve even seen dudes dress up in full-on costumes in a lame effort to stand out from the crowd.
They stand out from the crowd, all right.
That method of peacocking might work for some people but for the most part, it’s absolutely ridiculous and makes you look like an idiot more than it gets you laid.
Go for Subtlety
Less is more. The only way I’ve ever peacocked that’s worked has been to wear one thing that’s subtle.
If a girl wants to talk to you and you’re wearing a $20 Swatch watch, she’ll say, “Oh my god! I love your watch…”
This is often her way of communicating, “I think you’re awesome, I want to talk to you.”
And even if she really did just want to compliment you on your watch, you at least have her 1-on-1 attention to win her over.
Subtle peacocking doesn’t scream, “Look at me!” It gives a woman a reason to initiate conversation with you without looking like a slut in front of her friends.
I had a friend who, for an entire year, wore a bright purple fuzzy hat every night. All his buddies gave him shit, but he’d walk into a bar and within a matter of minutes some girl would come up to him and say, “Oh, I love your hat!” She’d start touching it. They’d start talking. And as soon as she put the hat on, he knew who he was taking home that night.
By the way, if a chick takes your clothes, you know she’s into you. It’s a very personal act to put on another person’s clothes. If she puts on your jacket, your sunglasses, your hat, whatever, it’s a sign you’re on the right track.
Pick Your Peacock Poison
I got a pin from my buddy that’s a “Fun Meter.”
On the meter, there are three options: Having an OK Time, Having Fun, and AWESOME! I’d put the pin on, set it to whichever dial I felt like, and start talking to people.
I can’t tell you how many women have walked up to me to play with my Fun Meter.
But before you run out to buy a Fun Meter pin or a purple fuzzy hat, remember that your subtle peacock piece has to match your personality.
If you’re the mysterious, brooding type, a Fun Meter is not going to work for you.
Pick something that feels right that you think will invite girls to come talk to you, and then try it out. Some things will work, others won’t.
The Lesson: Peacocking for the sake of peacocking is a waste of time and it makes you look ridiculous. Go for subtlety with the intention of extending an invitation for girls to come talk to you and you’ll see results – if you’re doing everything else right [LINK: The Secret to Being a Social Beast].
People ask me all the time, “What’s your secret to dating hot chicks, and how can I be more like you?”
I can tell you, and I’m going to in just a minute, but you have to understand that you’re not going to become a social master in a day.
Pulling your ideal chick is the result of a massive body of work.
That body of work is essentially a lot of social practice: dating a lot of women, meeting a lot of women, having a lot of friends.
So, what’s my secret? I have a massive amount of practice, experience and repetitions under my belt. And I hang out with people that add tons of value to my life.
These are always people I would label as cool – The 3 Stages of Cool
Now lets talk about your behavior in social situations.
You have to understand the social flow of every situation so you can adapt, pivot and respond correctly at any moment and still make it look effortless.
Think of an MMA fighter. You watch them fight on television, but you don’t really understand what’s happening. You just think they have mad skills. But really, these guys are putting in eight hours of work a day for ten years: it’s all tactical, strategic skills. There are millions of moves.
It’s the same thing when it comes to being socially adept.
Start hanging out with more people, but not just any people. You have to hang out with the coolest kids you can find because they are better than you, socially.
When I was a kid I loved hockey and I still play.
At 14, I realized that they only way for me to get better at hockey was to play with people who were better than me. At that point I stopped playing with kids younger than me that I could easily beat and exclusively played with adults and the older high school and college kids.
I hung out with the cool kids, I went the rink 6 days a week, and I got good.
Overcome the Barrier to Entry
When it comes to hanging out with the cool kids, there’s definitely a barrier to entry.
Cool people have what I call a “Dork Forcefield.” Within a matter of seconds a cool kid will be able to tell if you’re a dork or not, and if you think you’re hiding your geek-ness, you’re wrong.
Dorks will only slow me down.
Think of it this way: if I’m out partying, I’m trying to have fun and meet chicks, go to the after parties and let loose. A dork is only going to be dead weight and slow me down.
He’s gonna be uncomfortable which will make others uncomfortable around him and he’ll turn to me (his friend) for support. This will make people in turn repel me as well.
There’s no way I’m hanging out with a dork, unless I think he has a skillset I can leverage or a service he can provide me. If that’s the case, then he gets to bypass the forcefield because there’s a mutually beneficial exchange happening.
Utilizing his services, we might even build a friendship.
The Lesson: Make friends with the coolest kids you can find.
Leverage your resources as social currency.
I don’t know how many graphic designers and programmers I’ve taken out who later say, “Man, I’ve slept with more girls in the last four months than I have in the past ten years.”
And I say, “Well yeah, of course.”
The ability to integrate with the cool kids is crucial to being able to attract hot girls.
A lot of people think that “cool” is a group, and when we talk about “cool kids,” it’s slightly misleading. “Cool” is not a group.
It’s a way of being, and there are three stages to it.
Stage 1 of Cool: The Trimmings
This is the most basic level of cool, it’s the entry level.
And when I say “trimmings” I’m talking about your clothes and your physical appearance.
95% of the time, geeks and nerds are wearing clothes that are too big for them and it instantly gives them away as not cool.
Unless you’re a celebrity, millionaire businessman, or you have something else really awesome going for you, you have to dress well to attract girls. If you don’t know how, read this – The Easiest Way to Become More Dynamic.
There’s no excuse for dressing like an idiot.
I guarantee that you will never see a 9 with an out-of-shape, poorly dressed dude unless he’s loaded or has something else going for him.
Go to the gym and get some clothes that actually fit to achieve the most basic stage of cool.
Don’t Fool Yourself
I hate it when I hear guys say, “I just want to meet a nice girl who doesn’t buy into all this ‘cool’ stuff.” Don’t conclude that you can’t have something so therefore you don’t like it.
This is called cognitive dissonance.
No one wants to hang out with a hater! The hottest chicks spend at least an hour a day working out, so you should, too.
If you want to get girls who are fit and smart and have money, you have to dress well and be in shape. Don’t kid yourself.
Stage 2 of Cool: Ease
You can tell if someone’s at stage 2 of cool if you feel comfortable around them. If you feel relaxed, and they put other people at ease, that person is cool.
They have an ability to be a chameleon: they can adapt to any social situation and fit in with any crowd.
More importantly, this person doesn’t make you feel awkward. Geeks make you feel awkward because they are uncomfortable with themselves and emotions are contagious. Cool people who are comfortable with themselves put you at ease, too.
When you get to this point, women will feel good around you.
They will be much more willing to open up and connect with you. This level of comfort and confidence is what they’re looking for, and they’ll be able to see it in your body language, eye contact, and conversation. At stage 2 you can do really well with women.
Stage 3 of Cool: Not Giving A Fuck
It appears that some people are born with a cool gene. Nope, they learned it through osmosis from their parents, siblings, friends and social circle at a young age.
You always know who they are because they simply don’t give a fuck about things that aren’t fuckworthy.
In other words, they don’t sweat the small stuff. People who are naturally cool are indifferent about most things; they don’t get excited about ordinary stuff.
On the other hand, geeks are constantly getting uber excited about things that aren’t a big deal.
The guys who developed this stuff early on are usually called “naturals”: they just know what to do at all times, and they don’t give too much of a shit what you think of them.
These guys were typically the tallest, best looking kids in school who also excelled in team sports.
The varsity quarterback wins prom king almost every year right?
For a more scientific look at this, check out this podcast: How The Latest Research On High Performance Applies to Dating/Success With Women.
Not everyone grows up to be a natural but you can take steps to improve your attractiveness. Let us help you identify which stage of cool you’re in, and make changes to up your game.
Being dynamic is the whole package – 360 degrees of awesome — and girls will pretty much do anything to be with a guy who’s dynamic.
If you don’t know how to dress, it immediately sends out a signal that you’re not dynamic. Your appearance is the easiest and fastest way to communicate a message to others as to whether or not you’re worth spending time with.
To a hot chick, if you don’t know how to dress, it means that you probably don’t have cool friends, which means that you probably don’t party much or get laid ever. She’ll make this assessment in a split second and you’re done.
The One Exception to Dressing Well
There is only one kind of dude that’s an exception to the universal law of dressing fashionably: he’s someone who’s a rock star in some other part of his life. I have a bunch of MMA buddies, as an example. These guys are white trash. They dress like shit, but they’re badass motherfuckers with 2% body fat and they’ve literally been paid to beat the shit out of people. Chicks are into that.
Another example: if you’re some quasi-famous Silicon Valley millionaire, you’re exempt from this rule. You can dress in a potato sack and chicks will still be all over you since they already know who you are. If they don’t recognize you, well then you’re no better off.
For everyone else, you have to step up your fashion game if you don’t want hot girls to shoot you down instantly.
How Dressing Like an Idiot Destroyed this Guy’s Odds
I had a business partner who was great with girls one-on-one. He was funny, charming and he was solid. But his opening game was zero: he was a total math dork, he was completely bald at 31 and he dressed like shit. I told him all the time that he dressed like shit but he was stubborn as hell and wouldn’t do anything about it.
So we go to a club in the Meatpacking District with a couple of smoke shows I know. We get to the door of this club and the bouncer says to me, “Look, you guys are fine but I can’t let this guy in,” gesturing to my business partner.
I said to the bouncer, “He’s my business partner. You have to let him in.” But he wouldn’t. So this guy missed out on a chance to hang with girls that are much younger and much hotter than most girls he usually hangs out with because he wouldn’t go to Zara or Nordstrom and buy some decent clothes.
The Quick Fix for Fashion
If you want to make a change that will make a huge difference, go buy some new clothes. Let’s just be clear: I’m not talking about name brand only. I’ve seen dudes walk in to the room with $350 shoes that look ridiculous. I’m talking about being in style, regardless of the brand name.
Go to Target, Zara, H&M, Nordstrom or wherever and look at what the mannequins are wearing. Most of the time, you can buy those clothes. Get 10 or so outfits and cycle through them in your day-to-day life. It’s not quite that easy but that’s a great start.
Your shirt should gently hug your rib cage; your jeans should angle slightly down toward the floor and lightly hug your quads. Baggy jeans are done – throw away your baggy jeans. They’ve been done forever and they make you look like an idiot. Black shiny, square toed dress shoes make you look like a middle manager loser. Your Kenneth Cole Reactions go in the garbage.
The Lesson: Hot girls don’t date guys that dress like shit unless they’re rock stars in some other area of their lives. Go buy some clothes that fit your body and are in style to give off a more dynamic vibe.