I used to be fat.
It didn’t happen overnight. I had played sports and been active my whole life, but once I graduated college and started working a finance job, I settled into a routine that was killing me. I’d go out at night, crush beers, eat a California burrito, get too little sleep, then repeat the routine.
I didn’t care. My main focus in life was learning how to talk to women. I told myself that I could eventually lose weight if I really cared about it, but it wasn’t really that important. After all, I didn’t want to date shallow women, if they didn’t appreciate my personality, then I didn’t want them anyway.
When you’re procrastinating, you’re lying to yourself. Of course, I didn’t know this back then. I may have been holding onto the idea that I could be better with women if I wasn’t fat, but it was at the back of my mind. I was procrastinating.
My dating life and social life kept getting better. No need to lose weight, right? After a few years, I was a dating coach full-time, and still in terrible shape. You may have even seen me at this stage from my prior 21 Convention speech:
Around this time, my best friend and I were travelling and meeting women together constantly. His skills with women were the best of anyone I knew or have met since then, and he remains one of my best mentors to this day.
He started losing weight. Uh oh- now my self-image is under attack. When he started losing weight, I was confronted with the pain of thinking “I might be the only fat one.” I did everything he told me to do to lose weight. I cut carbs and unhealthy food out of my diet. I worked out relentlessly. I couldn’t be the only fat one!
I had unknowingly stumbled on one of the most important tools in the behavior change toolbox: a competitive atmosphere. The environment inspired me to lose weight because the pain of staying fat finally exceeded the pain of getting healthy.
Since my friend was just as competitive as I was, we made a bet. I put thousands of dollars on the line, and if I didn’t lose weight by 6 months, I’d lose all my money. That lit a fire under my ass to eat healthy 100% of the time and work out constantly. Straying from my plan wasn’t even an option.
I was successful because I had accountability and the fear of real loss if I were to fail.
When I was procrastinating, I didn’t realize how much of a difference being in shape would make. But I was shocked at how much more attention from women I got. I realized what a huge hack it was.
Guys often think it just matters what they say. But if you really want fulfilling relationships with the most attractive women, you need to present the complete package. You need to be in good shape. Your career needs to be in order. You need to have a meaningful social life.
It’s simple (but not easy). Develop traits that women find attractive, learn how to show those traits in a socially intelligent way, and build a social lifestyle. That’s how you attract women into your life.
I don’t teach guys how to attract women. I teach them how to become men who are attractive to women. It seems like a subtle distinction, but there’s a world of difference between being someone who can convince women to like them, and being the kind of complete man that women are hardwired to be attracted to.
The emotional patterns in your life will dictate the kinds of women you attract. The behaviors you practice regularly will define the kinds of women you meet. If you’re a fat procrastinator like I used to be, you can learn some of the techniques to attract some women, but you’ll always be punching below your weight.
I started taking action in every area, including making more money, traveling as much as I wanted to, and turning my expenses into a side hustle.
The Upward Spiral
When you accept complete responsibility for one area of your life, it results in a spiral that improves every other area of my life. This is what happened when I lost weight and my results with women skyrocketed. It’s no coincidence that this is the same time when I launched a side hustle that would go on to become a venture-backed startup.
UCLA neuroscientist Alex Korb writes about how little habits cause cascading positive changes in his book The Upward Spiral:
“Everything is interconnected. Gratitude improves sleep. Sleep reduces pain. Reduced pain improves your mood. Improved mood reduces anxiety, which improves focus and planning. Focus and planning help with decision making. Decision making further reduces anxiety and improves enjoyment. Enjoyment gives you more to be grateful for, which keeps that loop of the upward spiral going. Enjoyment also makes it more likely you’ll exercise and be social, which, in turn, will make you happier.”
How you do anything is how you do everything. If you’re procrastinating and making excuses in one area, it’s likely you’re procrastinating in other areas. But on the flipside, that means once you start taking action in one area, the rest of your life is likely to improve.
Whatever reasons you have for procrastinating don’t matter. Somebody with the same challenges as you HAS succeeded before. If I can lose weight and keep it off, you can make whatever changes you want when you implement the right systems.