Leverage Your Dating & Social Skills
My friend Wesley, over at iManscape. wrote an article around that subject that focuses on what women really think of men with beards. He broke down information from many studies into an easy to read article covering the topic and threw in some tips for the men.
Some of the data might surprise you…
My buddy Drew is on the short list of people I respect in the world of nightclub promoting. He’s the newest moderator in the Leverage Program, and he has a great story of how he stumbled on club promoting and became wildly successful at it.
Last week I had him on the podcast where we talked about his story. He shares his tips of how normal guys can be successful in the nightlife scene. Check out the episode here.
This week, I’m bringing him back to discuss how you can use nightlife networking skills to meet women and have fun when you go out. Meeting women through nightlife can be easy when you’re using the right skills.
Enter Drew.
Guys often ask me how they can get started in promoting. They know that it’s probably the easiest way in the world to meet hot girls, and that you can even get paid doing it.
The fact is, it’s a lot more straightforward than most guys think. You can start doing it without even having any connections. What you need to do is make sure you have at least 5 hot girls that will go out with you consistently. If you don’t have girls your first night, or you do and they’re not up to par, you’ll have a tough time.
But that’s not as hard as it sounds, because getting your first 5 girls is a great way to practice casual conversation as your opener instead of “hitting on” them. Create a friendly back and forth and if you think they fit the bill, end with “Some friends and I got a table tonight at so and so club, you should join us. Feel free to invite a friend.”
Having her invite out one friend creates a non-threatening hang out scenario since it isn’t one-on-one. If she has fun time with you maybe you even get laid, but I don’t recommend this if you can’t constantly pull in new groups of girls because if anything goes wrong she stops coming out with you and so do her friends.
Be careful with asking her to invite more than one friend because almost every group of girls has a DUFF: the Designated Ugly Fat Friend. But most likely a hot girl has a hot best friend, so it’s cool to ask for one friend. In a nightclub scenario, if she brings an ugly friend she might not get in and she probably knows that if she’s hot and been to any nice club before.
Once you have a solid group, it’s really as simple as going to the club. Nine out of ten times even just a decent looking dude with a few hot girls will get in with no problems.
From there, find a promoter table. Promoter tables are easy to find. Look for tables that have the most girls and the cheapest liquor, and a guy who looks like he is auditioning for an H&M campaign (even I was guilty of this). That guys is probably the promoter in charge.
Politely introduce yourself and say you have a group of girls and you were just looking to join a table. If he’s not a douche, he will invite you to join. Promoters always love more girls at their table, and will always try to flex on other promoters based on quality and quantity.
Now, if promoting for you is strictly for your social circle, you don’t even have to mention to the guy that you want to promote. Just say something like “dude, I always have girls with me looking to go out. I’m not looking to get paid, but would definitely like a consistent group to go out and hang with.” If he knows anything about promoting as a business he’ll bring you in. We call them “key guys”. It gives the girls another guy to talk to at the table who isn’t a creep and it frees up the promoter to stop babysitting, roam the club, and grab more girls/shake hands/bullshit with staff, and everything else he’s expected to do.
If you are looking to get paid for some side income, just ask. “Hey man, I’ve been looking to get into this and I always have girls that want to go out. Any chance I can work with you”? Again, promoters love this. Sub-promoters allow the main promoter to do half the work and they only have to pay you on what you agree to.
Most importantly, after you’ve done all of this, don’t get to wrapped up in the party. Remember, this is for your social circle. Talk to everyone, shake hands, suck up to the client next to you and always be looking to make new associates. They’ll invite you to other events and parties, and each time they do so you level up, since you’re constantly meeting new people. Most of the time they have lucrative careers which helps social validation to a girl you’re talking to (because how many rich guys hang out with broke dudes that don’t work for them in some capacity lol).
And also a PS for if and when you’re invited in to the table- always remember you’re a guest at that table. Don’t double pour your drinks, don’t hit on the girls you don’t know, don’t be rambunctious. 99% of girls will tell you they prefer a guy who keeps their cool in party situation: somewhere between having a great time and you couldn’t care less about being there. And finally, you don’t want to drink too much and embarrass yourself because that limits your access to the table in the future.
I hope you enjoyed that writeup from Drew. For more on how to optimize your experience at clubs, check out this article I wrote on the Unspoken Rules of Bottle Service.
As you know, the best way to get the dating life you want is to optimize your strategy as much as you can based on your lifestyle and personality. But just because you’re being efficient and optimal doesn’t mean you shouldn’t also be exhausting as many funnels as you can to meet chicks and other cool dudes.
This was inspired by one of my students, Jeff. Jeff is in his mid 20s and he’s a solid likable guy who’s got his life together and is fun to be around. The problem is that he’s not getting nearly the amount of dates a guy in his shoes should be getting. I have reason to believe that this is because he’s not exhausting his resources enough.
In a perfect world if you wanted to maximize your exposure you should be using these avenues, in this order of relevance:
1. Social Circle. The honest truth is that if your social circle sucks, it’s a reflection of you. Either you aren’t that fun, cool, interesting or valuable to be around.
2. Day Game. This is the easiest, cheapest and most efficient way to meet girls. It takes almost no time and you grow as a person every time you approach. If you suck at this, it’s because you haven’t done it enough and you’re scared. Face your fear, or sit around and get old and die with regrets 🙂
3. Social Events. Go to any environment where people are expected to be social, like festivals, bars, clubs, happy hours, or classes. If you’re doing poorly in these situations then just like Social Circle you aren’t that fun, cool, interesting or valuable to be around, OR you are too scared to talk to randoms and you need to approach more to get over your fear.
4. Hosting Sites. An awesome way to meet people is to host them in your city. Airbnb for your house, Turo for your car, ShowAround if you want to give tours and Couchsurfing if you can’t Airbnb. DogVacay if you have a dog or want to make extra money watching them. They make good wingmen too. These will also generate cash so you get paid to be social.
5. Dating Sites. You should have profiles on all of the relevant sites. Tinder, Bumble, Happn are obvious apps, but you should also be on Match, OkCupid and Plenty of Fish. If you’re older really want a relationship you can use eHarmony. If you’re religious use a niche site like JDate or Christian Mingle. Seeking Arrangements if you like sugar babies, models and girls who want to travel and have some money in the bank. And lastly, Lifestyle Lounge and SDC if you’re into group sex.
I guarantee that one site will be a lot more fruitful to you than others, so it’s important you get multiple profiles out there and measure which site gets the most responses. Otherwise you may be wasting your time on a site that doesn’t fit you best.
Profile Tips:
The pictures hold the key to whether a girl is going to read the rest of your profile. While women like to go off on a laundry list of qualities that include “sense of humor” and “kindness to animals,” they are almost as shallow as men when it comes to online dating. They sit back and watch the dozens of responses that come in and take their pick of the guys who look the best.
If you’re not a great looking dude then make sure you have some pictures that show your other qualities that women find attractive:
Make sure you’re swiping and sending messages. My favorite line to use in America on any app where you have to match with someone is “So does this mean we’re exclusive?” followed by the Tinder Marriage Roleplay (which we discuss in the Leverage Program). If she doesn’t think it’s funny, she’s probably not worth talking to. If you’re outside the U.S., she might not understand the humor.
Be cocky and funny in your profile to give off the vibe that you’re not taking online dating too seriously. Women want guys who other women want. You need to have the mindset of a guy who is already successful. Successful guys don’t take online dating seriously because they meet women offline.
You meet a girl and things start out well, but she starts getting distant or flaky. It’s a situation we’ve all been in. Steve, a Leverage Program member, posted a great question in our private members area about this very situation. Here’s his question:
A girl I’m enthusiastic is being flaky about our third date. Our conversation has always been smooth and to me it seems like we share mutual chemistry.
We met on Tinder and got drinks on our first date. Our second date was a cooking date at my place. We made out, cuddled in our underwear, and I cooked her breakfast the next morning.
We had plans to hang out, but she canceled because she said she has “so much to do” because her mom will be visiting. It feels like a BS excuse. If she wanted to see me I can’t imagine preparation taking that long. She also invited me to her birthday party, but then rescinded the invite and said it’s “too soon to introduce me to her friends.”
I like this girl a lot and thought we had a good connection. However, her flaking makes me feel shitty. Am I making too much of it? Am I being too pushy? What’s my optimal next play?
There are a few possibilities in this scenario and it’s likely a mix of all three. Let’s go through each one.
1. She’s not into him
From the way him described the situation, it sounds like he’s in chase mode. It’s 100% normal to be offended, feel shitty, and be salty when things turn out like this. Connecting with and liking a girl that doesn’t pan out sucks.
Why does this situation make most guys irrational? Because you didn’t just invest the time you spent with her. You invested years of dreaming up a relationship with a certain kind of person you hope to have, and this person matches years of daydreaming. You get excited. Then poof. She’s not into you.
Do not let the above affect you emotionally and act irrationally. It never ends well with this kind of girl. Ever.
Also, think about what chemistry actually means. If she felt this “chemistry” to the extent that he does, she’d be taking him to all these things that she says he can’t come to. When a girl likes a guy, she makes it easy for him to see her (unless she’s being manipulative or there’s some other issue going on).
2. She’s too rigid
If it’s a big deal to meet her friends, imagine all the other things that aren’t actually a big deal that she will think is a big deal. Run from this kind of girl, because dealing with them is a full time job.
Don’t make excuses for women who aren’t into you. When you jive with someone, you hang out with them. If her birthday and her friends visiting are such a big deal, really think about how rigid this person is. Think how she will be a year from now. Good luck with that. Never mind that she did invite him- that’s some evidence that it’s not a big deal.
Introducing a guy to her friends is only a big deal in the movies. Seek someone who is flexible, not rigid, and not in their head. It’s hard to stress enough how valuable of a trait being flexible is in a partner, and most guys (and women) never even think about it.
3. There’s another dude in the picture
My instinct is that the un-invitation is not about her BS excuse, but rather another dude in the picture that will be at the party.
I ran this situation by a female friend of mine, and her conclusion is that there’s someone else: “She’s not hanging out with her mom. A guy visited her. If it was her mom, she’d find a way to sneak away for five minutes. She can’t do that with another guy around.”
It’s always safe to assume that you have some competition. Any hot woman will have exes, current guys she’s lukewarm about but who are pursuing her, guys in her social circle who are out of a reach but she’d gladly date, and the list goes on and on. Believing that she’s getting chased by other guys is good for you because it encourages you to keep approaching other girls. This gives you an abundance mentality so no matter what happens with any one specific girl, you aren’t phased by it.
The Lesson
If you’ve been following my newsletter for a while, you know that I like to make everything about attraction as simple as possible. I can’t stand dating coaches who overcomplicate things.
So strip away all the gaming, game theory, questions, guessing, and gauging. As cheesy or oversimplified as it sounds: is she being present and transparent?
Long story short: solid connections between people that are en route to building a deep connection or falling in love show mutual presence and transparency. When one of those things is missing, there’s usually an alarming reason why. It could be that one person is not interested, there’s someone else in the picture, or someone is a basket case. If a new relationship feels like a ton of work, it’s probably not on a path to anywhere positive.
I’m taking on a few new clients in the Leverage Program, so if you think you could benefit from coaching tailored to your exact situation, like what to text a girl back, apply here.
I look forward to working together.
If you don’t feel confident in your dating life, it says nothing about your character. It’s just an indication that you need more practice so you can stack more wins.
There’s a lot of nonsense out there on what confidence is, or what it takes to develop confidence. Confidence is the thoughts and feelings that result from a series of wins stacked together. It’s your expectation of how you’ll perform in a given situation, and it’s different from self-esteem, which is your overall evaluation of yourself.
I was reviewing Mate by Tucker Max yesterday and found a brilliant definition of confidence:
“Confidence is the realistic expectation you have of being successful at something, given (a) your competence at it and (b) the risk involved with doing it.”
Confidence ONLY comes from experience and competence. “Fake it till you make it” is a bad long-term strategy because no matter what you tell yourself, your brain subconsciously creates a metric that assesses whether or not you’ll do well in this situation with reasonable accuracy. Confidence is grounded in real world results, whereas arrogance is based on your imagination and self-delusion (and doesn’t work).
The subconscious part of your brain is more important for confidence than what you rationally tell yourself, meaning that if you don’t subconsciously believe you have the skills to be competent, you don’t have confidence.
Unfortunately, there is no faking out your own psyche when it comes to how confident you feel about your abilities. Your confidence has to be calibrated on your competence. You can’t lie to yourself because your self is smarter than you are- LOL, confused yet? I am. Anyway…
If you step up to bat against a major league pitcher, you know that the best guys in the world are getting a hit 30% of the time, and getting on base 40% of the time. How confident should you be if you don’t play baseball? Even if you played in high school or college, your confidence isn’t gonna be very high, and it shouldn’t be!
You develop a higher level of confidence in any field when it’s something you’ve done often, when you’ve failed over and over, and when you’ve achieved some success. When you learn what works and what doesn’t, you develop an accurate assessment of how you’re likely to perform in any situation.
If you keep practicing and the wins aren’t coming, it means you’re practicing in the wrong areas, getting bad advice, or you have blind spots you’re unaware of. Don’t keep doing the same thing over and over, hoping for a different result. That’s crazy. Get some coaching, learn proven methods of success, and practice those methods. That’s the only way to develop confidence over the long haul.
Let’s talk about rejection.
What most guys don’t realize is that women don’t actually want to reject you. They don’t enjoy it. They have no desire to make you feel bad about yourself, they are only doing their best job of exiting an interaction that doesn’t interest them.
If they aren’t attracted to you, their goal is to signal to you in the least awkward and offensive way possible that you should move on. Unfortunately, most guys don’t pick up on these signals.
Common Signals of Rejection:
1. The first hint occurs when she communicates with a passive businesslike manner and avoids eye contact. This is when you get one-word responses and she doesn’t actively engage with anything you’re throwing out there.
2. If you persist, you’ll get the cold shoulder. This is what’s occurring when guys interpret women’s behavior as subtly “cold” or “bitchy.” She starts going from passively rejecting you to being actively dismissive.
3. Finally, if you haven’t gotten the message by this point, she’s likely to say something that you interpret as condescending, rude or mean. She’s doing everything she can to get you to leave.
The thing to remember is that this behavior isn’t really about you, because most women constantly get hit on really poorly. They’ll frequently encounter sociopathic guys who have no fear of rejection. These guys will walk up and say whatever they want. Their confidence occurs from the lack of a biological fear response, so they have no calibration to her signals.
The other common uncomfortable way women get hit on is by guys with poor social skills. Guys who can’t pick up on social norms, like guys with Asperger Syndrome, come across as creepy to women because they’re oblivious to the signals women are sending and they keep on pushing. Like guys with sociopathic traits, this is a category of guys that women have to go out of their way to send signals of rejection.
Should I hit on less attractive girls?
Back in 2007 when I was working through the requirements to become an approach coach for Pickup101, I needed to get an infield hidden camera video where I got a number or instant date on camera- a daunting task. I spent an evening walking around the UTC Mall in La Jolla and hit on 32 women.
I got the “I have a boyfriend” line 32 times. I vividly remember letting a few approach opportunities with the hottest girls go because I felt like I had less of a chance with them. But after 32 rejections, I was completely annoyed and on the verge of feeling straight up angry.
Finally, on the 33rd approach I was able to get a girl’s number, but the audio didn’t work. I really wanted to destroy those stupid wireless microphones. I was so angry I needed to break something to release my frustration. But I got some Zen calming advice from my cameraman and called it quits that day.
We later traveled up to West Hollywood for the weekend and hit up the Beverly Center for more approaches. The talent in LA was way better than in San Diego, and even when I get rejected the girls were way sweeter about it.
It dawned on me that the hotter the girl, the more experience she has rejecting guys. Because of this, the idea that you should “warm up” by talking to less attractive women is a silly one. Doing so will only lead to harsher rejections, because you’re dealing with a girl who doesn’t have as much experience confidently and respectfully exiting conversations. Less attractive girls have less experience dealing with guys in general.
Men and women have radically different experience with dating. Women get hit on so often that they develop experience rejecting men.
Ever since she hit puberty, an attractive woman has dealt with all kinds of guys approaching her, checking her out, making suggestive comments. By her 18th birthday, odds are she’s already had six years of this happening every single day. Compare that to a typical 28 year-old guy who’s hit on 100 girls in the last year: she has way more experience under her belt.
Regardless of how experienced you think you are, I promise she has more experience rejecting guys than you have being rejected.
But remember that most of the time women are being hit on by guys they don’t want to talk to. That’s good news for you. You’re not a construction worker catcalling her as she walks down the street, you’re not an intimidating sociopath, and the better you get, the easier for you it becomes to read the social signals she’s sending nonverbally.
And if you were wondering, I finally did get a number on camera. Here’s the footage. Notice my horrific outfit, bad posture and general dorky-ness.
If you have a good eye for reading women’s reactions, you probably noticed that this girl was not into me at all. This is the classic example of a pity number. She just gave it to me because she didn’t want to make me feel bad, especially on camera! Needless to say, she never responded to my texts but hey, I got the video.
Here’s one tip that I use all the time when asking for a girls number to alleviate any awkwardness. Just say “Give me your number or if you don’t like me, give me a fake one.” She will always giggle. It turns the taboo number exchange into a laugh which can only strengthen a connection.
Think of all the things you could accomplish if you didn’t care what other people think. In an ideal world, you could flip a switch in your brain to do this, start taking bigger risks, and reap the rewards.
That’s why on the surface, “stop caring what other people think” is a great piece of advice.
But as is usually the case, reality is more complicated than a piece of rah-rah self-help oversimplification.
So what’s my problem with this idea?
The problem is that caring what others think is ingrained in human nature. We evolved in tribes with less than 150 people. If you were ostracized by your group, it meant you had to live on your own without any support. And that means you’re probably going to die, because our ancestors depended on cooperating when they hunted and gathered food.
When I first started studying the social psychology principles we teach at Inner Confidence, I came across the piece of advice to be “internally validated.” There were times when I fell into a trap that a lot of guys encounter, but no one really talks about. It’s impossible to always be internally validated, and when I felt myself seeking others’ approval, I beat myself up more for not being internally validated. Ironically I ended up worse off than if I had never known the concept in the first place.
Don’t get me wrong- every action you take should be a step on a journey towards more internal validation. But give yourself permission to be human. If you find yourself seeking or even craving the approval of others, it’s completely normal. If you don’t care at all what other people think about you, it means you’re a sociopath or a psychopath.
What’s the alternative?
If you’re able to flip a switch and stop caring what other people think, more power to you. Do it and don’t overthink it.
But for guys who struggle with caring what other people think, that’s difficult. So here’s my suggestion:
Live your life based on what matters to you and what you want to achieve. Don’t compromise on your values based on what others might think.
Pay attention to the times when you’re worried about what others think, and then do whatever it is you want to do regardless of their judgement.
Seeking Validation
There will always be times when you seek validation from others. Like we discussed, it’s in our genes as a result of humans’ tribal evolution as hunter-gatherers. The goal isn’t to eliminate this tendency altogether, because that’s impossible. The goal is to be aware of it and turn it into something that helps you.
The problem is that we evolved to care what 150 people in our tribe thought of us. If you didn’t care what that tribe thought of you, they would ostracize and exclude you, and you would die. That’s the biological reason we care what other people think.
We’re in a completely different environment now. Our brains aren’t wired to effectively respond to the social realities of 2017. That has advantages and disadvantages.
I look up to Robbie as a mentor and a boss. I look up to my family. I have positive friends in my life and I want them to respect my actions. I want to do things that make all of these people happy, and I’m fine with this. Yes, I’m seeking their approval or validation. I share their values, so if they’re happy with the actions I’m taking and the way I’m living my life, then there’s a good chance I’m on a good path.
Unlike most people who passively seek the approval of others without giving it any thought, I’ve consciously determined that these are the people I care about receiving validation from. And I’m rejecting most of the norms that society forces most people into believing, like accepting the standard 9-5 job and career path, or the standard relationship trajectory that American culture endorses.
Define clearly the people you care about and what you want them to think, then don’t worry about the rest.
Who are the people you are happy to seek validation from?
How you do anything is how you do everything, and the people you choose to associate with reflects on your character. It’s crucial to surround yourself with guys who are better than you if you want to become better with women.
Women are attracted to social status more than anything else, and one of the most important ways to show (not tell) your status is by being a leader or providing value in a group of other attractive men. This is why I always talk about how improving your dating life is more than just knowing how to attract; it’s about being a complete man who’s attractive to women.
So what do you do if all your friends are losers? Ditch the losers so you’re in a sink or swim situation. If you have no social contact, you’ll have no choice but to force yourself outside of your comfort zone to meet new people. And do it for your own mental health too; we naturally absorb the attitudes, thoughts, and actions of the people around us, so remaining in friendships with toxic people hurts you. It’s a subconscious process that psychologists call “convergence.”
Identify what kind of friends you’d like to make, and start participating in the activities that these people do. Are they into physical fitness? Join a Crossfit gym. Are they businesspeople? Hang out at the country club. Do they play chess? Join a chess tournament. Not sure who you’d like to meet? Pick up a side job in retail and start talking to your coworkers. Want to meet fun people while learning a new social skill? Do improv comedy. Just start doing something, absorb your experience as feedback, and adjust your actions from there.
By encountering people with similar interests to you in a natural environment, it’s easy for you to make friendships when you both start to gradually reveal more personal information about yourselves.
In order to become friends with people, you need to provide some value to them. This can be as simple and straightforward as being a good listener. If people feel comfortable and at ease around you, they’ll want to form a friendship with you.
Men tend to have friendships that fall into one of four categories. If you understand these categories, you’ll know how to keep your loser friends at a distance and how to build valuable connections with others.
Just Friends
Just friends are guys you see from time to time and have surface-level connections with. It could be a poker buddy or a guy you see often at the gym. The distinction here is that it’s someone you don’t intend to get to know better or see in a different situation. Sometimes a wingman will fall into this category- he’s someone you’ll go out with but don’t have any kind of lasting bond.
Rust Friends
Rust friends are the friends you’ve had your whole life. It could be a childhood best friend or someone else you’ve known most of your life. You may have different priorities and values now, but the length of your bond is what sustains the friendship. These aren’t necessary deep friendships- they’re just old ones.
Trust Friends
Trust friends are friends who you’ve established a close bond with. Having this kind of friend to support you is crucial. You can share your challenges with them and they’ll help you get through them. They’ll help you meet women and you know you can count on them.
Must Friends
Must friends are friends who you “must” share everything with. They’re your deepest source of a masculine bond, and they form your inner circle. While it takes a long time with a lot of shared experiences to form, these are the types of lifelong friendships we cultivate in the Leverage Program. Having women in your life is great, but you can supercharge both your dating and your social lives by surrounding yourself with successful men and mentors.
Style can be a painfully annoying topic to grasp. Most guys neglect it altogether and look terrible as a result, sporting combinations like running shoes and jeans that are sure to turn off any woman. The ones who get it know that it’s important, if for no other reason than because women pay attention to your clothes.
Buying new clothes usually sucks too. We forget our sizes, we don’t know how things are supposed to fit, and we can never figure out what matches or looks good.
When Inner Confidence’s resident stylist mentions the concept of body shape and color analysis to students, the majority instantly assume that these are the types of things that only women have to worry about. Women have a ton of body shapes and different styles of clothes, but guys don’t, so why does it matter?
It’s true that this level of detail doesn’t matter as much for men as it does for women. But like women, men can dress to suit their shape, skin tone, hair and even to highlight eye color. There are a ton of subtle tricks you can use to design a great wardrobe one time and never worry about it again. For example, if you have blue eyes, get a baby blue shirt, and you’ll keep getting compliments on your eyes.
It’s not only the latest trends and styles that you should be thinking about. In fact, you’ll be safe if you don’t pay any attention to fashion. When men’s fashion magazines cover fashion trends (even the more mainstream outlets like GQ or Details), they’re showing you clothing designed by gay males that’s supposed to appeal to other gay males. Ignore trends and focus on the classic elements of style.
The entire process should be personally tailored to your body, shape and personal style. What if there as an easy way to get the details right?
My favorite tool for selecting clothes that look good is the Style Pyramid.
It’s a simple three-step rubric: Fit, Fabric, and Style. A piece of clothing that doesn’t meet all three criteria is a piece of clothing you’re better off not wearing.
Work your way through the pyramid in this order when you’re thinking about buying clothes. If something doesn’t fit, stop there. If it fits, but it seems cheaply made, skip it. And if it fits and is of good quality, but doesn’t feel right for your style, wait for something more suited to your tastes.
When all three intersect — then it’s time to buy.
From here, you can add your spin on things. I’m constantly traveling, so like Robbie, I prefer a minimalist wardrobes of all greys and blacks. My approach is even more minimalist than Robbie. I just have 4 shirts I rotate through, and one pair of classic black jeans. Everything I own is high quality according to the style pyramid, and I only need to buy new clothes to replace something when it wears out.
The result is that my fashion is solved, and I never have to think about it again. After buying each piece the first time, I don’t spend any more money on it. By ensuring that everything I own fits me perfectly and will last at least a year, I can have a killer wardrobe without going broke.
In my early 20s I sucked with women. I was fat. I wasn’t making any money. I didn’t know how to dress.
No wonder I couldn’t get dates.
I wanted to change everything at once. I didn’t know what to do.
Things are different now. I date hot women. I choose what kind of relationships I want. I’m in shape. All of the problems of the typical American dude are solved in my life. I never have to settle.
I don’t feel guilty bragging about my lifestyle because I hustled my ass off to get here.
So how did I get here?
I got here because I failed. A lot. I’ve made the same mistakes everyone has. But every time I fell down, I got back up again. I refused to stay down. I learned from my mistakes. Eventually I stopped making them.
I wasn’t naturally good with women, so I’ve lived the same journey you’re on. If you aren’t satisfied with your dating life yet, it’s likely that you’re making the same mistakes I was making. Here are the most common ones:
1. You love being comfortable.
Everyone understands that experiencing muscle strain is mandatory for bodybuilding. It’s painful. It hurts. But it’s a sign of progress and no one runs from it.
Unfortunately, everyone forgets this in others area of life, so they avoid discomfort and they keep struggling.
It’s not your fault. I love being comfortable too. Consumer society bombards us with advertising for products that remove any possible form of discomfort. Don’t like walking? Grab an Uber. Don’t feel like cooking? Go to McDonald’s. Feel bad about yourself? Buy a new Lexus.
I love being comfortable, but I won’t allow it anymore. To get good at anything, you have to embrace discomfort. Get HUNGRY for the strain that comes with leaving your comfort zone.
One of my personal favorite expressions comes from the military: “embrace the suck.”
With weightlifting, the suck is physical. With approaching women, it’s psychological. Embrace that shit. If you’re uncomfortable it means you’re growing. If you feel comfortable you should be afraid, because that means things in your life aren’t going to change.
People just don’t want to tolerate discomfort, even if it comes with a guarantee that the pain will be temporary. They trade short-term comfort for long-term misery. Separate yourself from the losers by embracing the suck.
Making excuses is a normal function of the mind. But don’t let excuses keep you in your comfort zone. A common misconception is that you need to be confident and overcome your excuses before you can face rejection or discomfort, but that’s actually backwards. First you do the thing outside your comfort zone, then you gain the confidence. This is because confidence is based on demonstrated performance.
Let’s get specific. When you’re uncomfortable, ask yourself: “What sensations am I experiencing right now?”
When I’m about to make a difficult approach, my heart races. Sometimes my throat gets dry or my hands get sweaty. I ask myself, Are you willing to feel a racing heart and sweaty palms for a couple minutes in order to get better at talking to girls?
That’s an easy YES. If you’re like me, you’d rather experience a racing heartbeat and sweaty palms every day than spend a lifetime watching porn and playing video games.
Keep embracing the suck every single day, and one day you’ll wake up and realize that things don’t suck anymore. It worked for me.
2. You’re obsessing over the outcome and ignoring the process.
Research has shown that top athletes have one factor in common: a growth mindset.
The goal of a growth mindset is to “get better.” In contrast, we have the fixed mindset, with the goal “be good.” When they’re facing a challenge, beginners often want to “be good,” coming at it with the mindset of worrying about how well they’ll perform. Their ego hurts their ability to learn.
There’s a great idea from Carlos Gracie Sr., one of the primary developers of modern Brazilian jiu-jitsu: “There is no losing in jiu-jitsu. You either win or you learn.”
I challenge you to approach with the goal of getting better. Forget being good. Everything you do provides feedback. Every approach puts you one step closer to becoming a social beast. Every rejection is a chance to laugh at yourself. Every time you feel discomfort, you make it 1% easier the next time you’re in that situation.
Focus more attention on the process than the results. Making an approach is something you have control over; getting a number is not. So instead of considering an approach a victory if you GET a number, count it as a win if you ASK for a number, regardless of what happens.
When you learn to love the process, the satisfaction and inspiration that come with going after your goals are more rewarding than actually achieving them. This is why top performers are able to easily bounce back from failure.
Guys who obsess over the outcome and ignore the progress typically aren’t approaching consistently, so they’re not seeing results. Because they aren’t seeing results, they don’t have the motivation to keep approaching. Which brings me to my next point…
3. You’re relying on motivation.
That lack of success/lack of motivation vicious cycle we just reviewed creates nothing but frustration, disappointment, and desperation.
99% of the time the solution is to approach more and fight through the suck. But I’ve been there and I know what it’s like: in the moment, that’s difficult.
Our egos are sensitive to change, especially major changes. No matter how motivated we feel, our brains will subconsciously resist any life changes we attempt. This is why people so often feel like they sabotage themselves and give up on their goals.
Let’s revisit the bodybuilding example. The most important part of bodybuilding is showing up at the gym, over and over. Major positive life change occurs as a series of tiny changes fueled by effective habits, not from a giant burst of motivation. Consistency beats motivation every time.
4. You haven’t changed your environment.
I’m an unhealthy food and leftovers addict. If there are leftovers in my fridge, I will eat them every time. If my Chipotle burrito falls on the floor, I’ll still eat it. What can I say, I’m still a fat kid at heart.
So when I do have an occasional cheat day (which my diet allows), I’ve learned that I must throw my leftovers away before I go to bed. I don’t rely on willpower, because it will fail every time. I design my environment to make success automatic. I remove thinking from the equation.
It’s the same with dating. You’ll succeed if you create an environment that makes progress inevitable.
Live somewhere where there are women around. Hang out with other guys who are good with women. Go out all the time. Get a second job in retail or bartending.
Guys have no problems moving to a different city for their career, but are rarely willing to move to a better market for meeting women. That’s despite the fact that the decision of who to marry is the single greatest factor for your overall happiness. It just doesn’t make sense to me. Shape your environment and you’ll get what you want.
5. You’re starting too big.
Our society teaches us to view life improvement in black and white, all or nothing. Either I’m going to stick perfectly to my new diet, or it’s not worth trying. Either I’m going to run 5 miles every day before work, or I’m going to stay on the couch. Either I’ll approach 100 women this month, or I won’t approach any. People view anything short of radical life change in every domain as a failure.
If you can relate to this, it means you have unrealistic fantasies about building habits. In reality, we improve our lives by making tiny changes consistently, not by drastically changing overnight. That’s why New Year’s Resolutions fail.
The way around this is to take small action steps that slip past the part of our mind that resists change. Do one pushup. Floss one tooth. Approach one girl. The funny thing is that when you have these small habits in place, they naturally sustain themselves and grow. Our brain gets used to doing a single pushup, so doing two becomes no problem. Flossing one tooth seems silly so you automatically start to floss more. Approaching one girl becomes natural, so you start to do more approaches without realizing it.
For success, momentum is more important than motivation. I’ll repeat myself: the most important part of bodybuilding is showing up at the gym, over and over.
Let’s take my example of flossing. For most of my life I hated flossing so I didn’t do it. A week before my dentist appointments I would start flossing. But it was too little too late: I’d get yelled at for not flossing my teeth, so I’d start again. That would last for about a week and I’d stop again.
But now I floss my teeth every night. It’s actually my favorite part of getting ready for bed. How did I do this? I started flossing one tooth per night. You read that right, just one tooth. You establish the habit small with one tooth, then the momentum builds up and flossing more teeth becomes automatic. Before you know it you’re flossing your whole mouth without even realizing it.
Stanford professor BJ Fogg talks about the power of flossing one tooth in his excellent TED Talk, Forget big change, start with a tiny habit.
6. You don’t have accountability.
You’re never going to improve without accountability. Create a challenge for yourself and talk about it with people who can hold you to it. Set a consequence for failure, like paying $1000 if you don’t complete 7 approaches in next week. Report daily on your progress. Ask you friends not to let you off the hook if you stop making effort.
This is the same method I used to lose 55 pounds in 2011. It’s what I use with my students to get them results: I put them on approach bets where they put a serious amount of money on the line. Guess what? Approach anxiety is no longer a problem. They embrace the suck and get it done. One of my students even dated the first girl he met on an approach bet for a couple years.
It’s tough to focus on getting better instead of being good when you have no one there to
laugh at your failures with you and make sure you keep showing up. My skills with women improved rapidly when I was younger because I had mentors who would not tolerate mediocrity or laziness. We had a team mentality that turned getting rejection into something a fun sign of growth rather than something to be avoided.
Putting it all together
By this point we’ve seen that success doesn’t happen in huge leaps. It occurs in small increments. We don’t go to bed unhappy one night then magically wake up and say “I’m different now, I made it today!” When we create the right small habits, we slowly become successful over time.
Our society loves the fantasy of the “overnight success.” But real overnight successes take years of hustling, and it’s a long, tedious process.
If I had to pick just one of these as the most important, it’s the final one: accountability. Even if you mess up the first six principles on this list, having accountability forces you to succeed. That’s why I’ve designed this element into the Leverage Program.
Our measuring stick, curriculum path, and end goal is what I call the Inner Confidence Belt System. Super creatively, the end game is to be a black belt. Equally creatively, the starting block is white belt.
Each belt level has accountability built in. From day one, you’ll be paired up with an experienced mentor. We’ll use approach bets to remove approach anxiety from the equation.
It’s so easy to claim we want to approach more beautiful women…we want to learn from successful mentors…we want to live a life where we can choose what kind of relationships we want. Even the most self-aware guys can SAY that.
But what are you doing about it?
I force my students to succeed, because if they don’t then that means I’ve fail as a coach, and I feel like a loser when I fail. That looks different for every guy. For newer students it’s often approach bets, accountability coaching calls, and some other tricks I have up my sleeve. For other students, it’s more hanging out with other guys in the group and getting coaching in person.
Here’s an example from Joel, a student who’s become an approach beast since joining Leverage:
Try out Leverage and use my proven accountability system to make sure you start approaching more. I’m here to help, and I’ve been coaching guys professionally for a decade. I’m not going anywhere and I won’t let you settle. Even if that means you give it your best effort, find that it isn’t for you, and leave within the first 30 days for a full refund.
There’s an art to having a great night out when you’re doing bottle service. If you aren’t a bottle service regular, you’re stepping into a world with tons of unwritten rules and norms that you need to follow in order to look like a socially competent guy. Successful men and attractive women understand this stuff subconsciously and will determine if you’re one of the “cool kids” by whether or not you know how to conduct yourself at a table.
Until now, these rules have been kept secret. Let’s get started!
Does any of this sound familiar? I’m a smart, funny, and cool dude, but when I get around really hot chicks, its like my mind goes blank and my IQ drops 50 points. I can’t think of anything to say … Read More
Full Length Speeches Interviews & Clips The 21 Convention Podcast Interview Click Here To learn more about The 21 Convention
