Blog Archives - Inner Confidence

Does She Want Me Or Not? 10 Ways To Test For Attraction & Know When To Make A Move

Most guys don’t have a mental model of the process of seducing a woman. Our culture tells us is it should come natural but I’ll tell you in a minute how that ones out for me.

Spoiler Alert: NOT GOOD

lI’ll speak from my own experience and admit that until my early 20’s I was 90% the boring nice guy or 10% of the time the aggressive creepy guy in the club.

This was my modus operandi between 1997-2005 age (15-23)

– In social circle situations with girls I was interested in (high school and college) I erred heavily on the side of caution and acted as the wallflower. It was safer to do nothing and avoid looking bad by showing interest and taking a risk. (This was possibly caused by my first attempt at love failing miserably and resulting in a ton of embarrassment.) If I found a girl to be “girlfriend material” I’d perfectly navigate my way into the friend zone for many months, only to eventually profess my love to her, which resulted in a painfully awkward exchange, and the ending of the friendship. It was never a true friendship to begin with, so this wasn’t a bad thing, and it ended all the self-inflicted emotional torment.

– The only place I felt comfortable taking risks was on the crowded dance floor at a party or club. But the only thing I knew how to do was approach dancing girls (sometimes from behind) and start grinding with them. They would either grind with me, spin away, or get their friends to save them. This lead to the occasional drunken club hookup. I was afraid to approach the girls that I was most attracted to so I’d set my standards lower to avoid rejection. This resulted in me never wanting a relationship with any of my dance floor hookups.

What allowed me to escape from these two certain outcomes was (1) learning that women aren’t attracted to inauthentic nice guys, (2) how to test and read attraction, and (3) how to navigate the subtle mating dance (some people call this push/pull)

1. Don’t Chase Women –

When I didn’t know what to do, I either did nothing, or I attempted to connect with a woman through conversation. I wasn’t a terrible conversationalist so a connection would often result. But I had no idea how to make the conversation “sexy” or switch from talking to kissing so I’d end up stuck and clueless. The more interested I was in her, the more careful and inauthentic I acted. If I thought she was really hot, I always self destructed.

Solution: Stop chasing by jamming her into useless conversation! This will give a girl the chance to be attracted to you because you’re displaying non-neediness and setting yourself apart from most guys who immediately chase every beautiful women they see. She won’t know anything about you, aside from your fashion/body language and nonverbal tells of confidence. If these non-verbal signals are working for you, she will make up a story about you in her head and it will probably be a good one. This is what girls mean by “He’s so mysterious.” This process can happen in a matter of seconds. If she’s interested she will send you signals in the form of flirty or prolonged eye contact. Think of this as her invitation to approach.

In an environment when the ratio is stacked in your favor, not chasing is often the only thing you need to do. Especially if other guys are chasing. Even if they aren’t, you’re banking on the fact that the girls will party, get turned on, seek attention and want someone to hook up with. The better the ratio, the more likely you’ll be their best option.

How do you know if she’s chosen you or she’s considering it?

Rather than thinking about how to impress people by being interesting, making jokes or thinking about what to say, you should instead focus on embodying and displaying valuable characteristics and test for attraction. Sometimes you can create those opportunities, sometimes they fall in your lap.

2. Testing for Attraction

10 Ways To Test For Attraction:

1) Does she hold eye contact?

2) Does she engage you in conversation and ask you personal questions?

3) Does she touch you back or initiate touch?

4) Is she comfortable being in isolation with you?

5) How does she respond to your touch?

6) Hand Hold Test – If you lightly squeeze her hand, does she squeeze it back?

7) Whisper test – If you lean in and whisper something into her ear, does she lean in? This simulates a kiss.

8) How does she respond when you enter her personal space? Does she lean in or move away?

9) Dancing – Very easy to tell because it often simulates sex and allows you to get close/touch. Does she square off her hips toward you? Does she make eye contact? As you close the gap between your lips does she move in or pull away?

10) Any other situation where physical touch is mandatory or created… does she move toward or away from that situation with you? Examples are games like Spin-The-Bottle, Truth or Dare, riding motorcycles or jet-skis together.

Notice that 9 out of 10 of these tests are physical, not conversational. The only way to learn them is to stumble upon them, emulate another guy or study this stuff. It’s kinda puzzling that our culture thinks that studying attraction is strange, but oh well, that’s a totally different conversation.

Girls that are more comfortable with their sexuality will respond more overtly to your tests of attraction. Either positive or negative. If she doesn’t give you much information either way, you can test more aggressively or conclude that she is very shy and give up.

Peoples actions and sexual openness is highly correlated with the behavior and attitude of the group or in a venue. If everyone is hooking up, we will feel more comfortable to do the same. If very few are they will be less inclined to do so out of fear of looking low value and cheap/easy/etc… Think sex party versus church mixer. You can test a bit more aggressively in the former. lol

Often times, I’ll invite guys to come on party trips with me for model photo shoots. When it’s their first time, they often feel like a fish out of water. Imagine its you, a few other guys and 3x the number of models. The number one mistake every guys makes is attempting to hit on everyone by engaging them in conversation and exchange biographical information. This is a tragic mistake because the ratio will do all the work for you.

A much better course of action is to look for ways you can add value to the group. Every group values leaders and decision makers. If you are clueless, then be the “mysterious guy” and wait for girls to initiate interactions with you.

In environments where the ratio is 50/50 or against you, the opposite strategy is the most effective. You need to take risks and initiate interactions with women because there is no need for them to come to you if they are getting tons of attention elsewhere. Start as many conversations as possible and weave in the physical tests throughout. Daygame is the most abundant and efficient option for this in most cities.

You always want to look for ways you can demonstrate value and stand out amongst the competition. If your competition is a group of ass kissing nice guys, doing everything for the girls all the time, you’ll gain value by not doing those things and attempting to make the girls work for you. If all the other guys are already doing this, you might gain value by leading and supporting the girls. Go against the pack in essence to stand out from it.

3. Navigating the subtle mating dance.

Once you’ve tested for attraction and gotten a positive response, you’ll feel a lot more confident about making a move. As you get more and more comfortable with this process, it creates a self-fulfilling prophecy. Confidence will be the result.

Here are some guidelines for push/pull and what to expect:

Start with tests 1-5. If she’s asking you personal questions, initiating touch with you, and reciprocating touch, she is very likely attracted to you, and as time passes, attraction will increase as you both become more comfortable and connected to each other.

From there you can use tests 6-8. If you pass these she is ready to be kissed.

Steps 9 & 10 – These are great because they can occur at any stage of the interaction and you can create them to expedite the process. Remember, dancing was my only move back in the day, and the only thing that ever worked because I was so clue-less. The better dancer you are, the better the results. My first ever kiss was in a game of Spin-The-Bottle. I think my next was a result of Truth-Or-Dare. Now, I’m the self proclaimed worlds greatest party host. I can always tell who is attracted to who and I expedite the process for them by getting everyone to play and making sure the right people end up in the right situations.

Once you’ve kissed her, the cat is out of the bag. The relationship immediately and magically is established on a romantic level. I don’t care how many amazing conversations you’ve had, if she cuddles with you every night and walks with you hand and hand. If she hasn’t kissed you, you can’t conclude how she feels about you. No exceptions. This is where guys will torment themselves for years in the friend zone.

Escalating from kissing to sex is easier for most guys because the anxiety of not knowing “if she likes me” is gone. Some girls are ready to get naked from the get go and others need more time to feel comfortable. On the other hand, most guys are instantly ready for action.

My best advice is to chill out and don’t push too hard. The sex will be better when you both are really craving it. If you push, you might get it faster, but she may also get buyers remorse, which means, that will likely be the only time sex happens. That really sucks because sex will almost always get better the more times you have it with someone.

18 Reasons Why Rock Climbing Is The Best Date Idea Ever

by Robbie Leave a Comment

Why you should be rock climbing (for dating)….

I googled ‘rock climbing gym’ then hit images. Notice how many girls are in the images.

18 reasons why you should do this:

There are days I’ve gone to a climbing gym and there have been 42 girls and 26 guys.
Groups of 2-4 girls often go climbing.
Climbing is very social. It’s totally normal for one group of randoms to make friends with another group of randoms.
In one session you could in theory talk to 20 people. You could also talk to zer0 if you choose. Both are common.
If you meet a girl and she climbs, she’s in shape or getting in shape. Climbing while out of shape is not easy.
It’s an amazing first date because you really get to know someone.
Imagine your in a relationship with a climber… If she sucks to climb with she will suck in real life. The end. It can expedite things for you.
Climbing is the most amazing couples thing to do: its problem solving and working together for hours. It’s a work out. It’s a fun atmosphere.
You get into sick shape.
There are a bagillion climbing gyms everywhere.
Once your a part of the climbing community you can go on ‘climbing trips’ to national parks.
You don’t wake up hung over.
You don’t spend much money.
The climbing community tends to be a bit geeky, so competition goes down like 95%.
If u want someone at peace, mentally healthy, non judgmental- climbing doesn’t guarantee that, but climbers are 500x more likely to be that vs a girl doing cocaine in a club bathroom.
Climbers are insanely friendly. It’s sort of a part of the deal.
It will grow some hair on your chest.
If you know how to climb you can demonstrate value helping others solve a route/ you can teach a girl/date.

In summary:
Girls love climbing, less competition, Get in shape, save money, make friends, have a blast.

There’s no reason not to do it. Well, one, afraid of heights.

I had a crippling fear of heights and overcame it. If I can over come it anyone can. Besides, you can ‘boulder’ which is what I do mostly anyway. Boulders are like 10-20 feet with no ropes and huge soft landing pads. Fear of heights aren’t an issue with bouldering.

And for those of you in a relationship- there’s not a single thing I’ve enjoyed doing with my girlfriend more than climbing.

Not even close.

Her answer is the same.

Please note that everyone says ‘I have rock climbed’. I am not talking about what you did. You walked up a simple route that required zero planning and zero technique.

I am talking about one climb taking hours or days or weeks.

Having to work on one specific move.

Needing to build your flexibility to execute one move at one point on one climb.

Learning proper technique.

Building your core and finger strength in a way you had never imagined.

I am talking about intense puzzle solving and requiring several sets of eyes (the social aspect) to map out the route and exactly where to put your feet on ever single step the entire way up.

***When I say rock climbing- imagine a choreographed dance up a wall with the intensity of cross fit while playing chess***

For more info on how to build massive charisma and improve your dating life check out this webinar.

Cheers,

Robbie

A Step-by-Step Guide to a Manly Bathroom Every Chick Will Love

by Robbie Leave a Comment

Generally, men do not like girly baths where they trip over scented candles and essential oils.

However, as a man, you also want to please your girl. So you need a bathroom that she will like just as much as you do. Here are suggestions you can use to help you decorate your manly bathroom in a way that your chick will love. Bathroom with walk in shower and white countertop basin

1. Mix dark and bright colors

As a man, you probably like subtle and dark colors. However, most women like bright colors. It’s a great idea to mix a little bit of both so that you have a balanced color scheme that you and your girl will appreciate. Try dominating with dark colors such as dark blue, black and grey and accessorizing with some splashes of feminine colors such as pink, yellow and teal.

2. Quality bath items

To give your bathroom a clean and sleek look, avoid clutter. Your girl will be impressed by a neat and clean bathroom. Focus on purchasing quality bath accessories.

Start by getting nice absorbent fluffy mats that feel great underfoot. A bathroom is a place where you need to feel luxurious items against your skin. So it’s essential that you get big absorbent towels and bathrobes that are gentle on the skin. Throw in some decorative towels as most women love them.

3. Organizing accessories

If there is something that women find attractive, it is an organized manly bathroom. It will also be of great help to you if you have a place for each item as it will help you maintain a short and efficient bath routine.

Create shelves preferably of dark wood, that are easy to reach on which to place bath essentials such as towels, hand wash, robes, shower gels and other items needed for body care. Have a shower caddy where you can put shampoos and body soap during a shower or bath.

On the sink, find a bathroom organizer to hold hand soap, toothbrushes, and toothpaste as well as shaving kits. It’s a good idea to get a set of beautiful soap dispensers for body wash, shampoo, and hand wash for better aesthetics in the room as well.

4. Waste and laundry basket

A perfect way to keep a bathroom organized and clean is to put dirty clothes and waste in their correct place. Therefore you need a quality waste basket, and dirty clothes hamper in your bathroom.

Nothing annoys women like dirty clothes or wet towels left on the bathroom floor. Having a hamper where you can throw your dirty items will save you from throwing your dirty clothes anywhere and risking the mother of all arguments with your partner.

5. Fog-free mirror

If you shave a lot, a well-lit fog-free mirror is a must-have in a manly bathroom. It’s also crucial for women because they need a mirror to use while applying makeup and doing their hair.

Your girlfriend will appreciate a mirror that she can use after or during a hot shower without having the need to clean steam off it all the time. Make sure the mirror is easy to access from the shower area so that it’s quite easy to bath, shave, tweeze eyebrows or even apply face masks for both of you without having to move from one end of the bathroom to the other.

6. Bathroom Entertainment

Once you have the essentials in your manly bathroom, you can also add a little pizazz to it by adding a few entertainment features. Most women love listening to music in the bathroom or watching their favorite program while soaking in the bath.

Therefore, you will not go wrong if you install a wireless shower head in your bathroom. You will really blow your girl’s socks off if you put in a TV monitor in the bathroom as well. A bonus for you is that you get to check out news and sports while using the bathroom on those days you cannot afford to miss out on updates.

7. Hi-tech toilet

Where money is no object, a hi-tech toilet is a must – have in any manly bathroom. It turns toilet use from a regular activity to a pampering session.

Women are suckers for a toilet with bidet capabilities. You can go a step further and buy a self-cleaning toilet. However, you will get top points if you get a hi-tech toilet that lights up at night and lifts or closes the toilet seat automatically. There will be no more arguments about missing your mark or leaving the toilet seat up, and that’s worth spending a pretty penny on a hi-tech toilet any day.

8. Shower systems

A great shower system is essential in any manly bathroom. The thing to focus on is something with excellent water pressure and temperature control. There are several great shower systems in the market. You can check some here: https://ever-unfolding.net/best-shower-system-reviews/

You only need to pick one that fits your water and electricity consumption. Here are two examples;

– Digital Showers

These shower systems come with digital controls that work with a thermostat to ensure the water temperature is to your preference whenever you want to bath or shower. Women like automatic items that don’t give them hustle and always deliver what they want at any given time. A digital shower meets these criteria and is guaranteed to impress your girl any day.

– Shower panels

These you can install over the tiles and also use them to put in extra features such as steam jets, and massage jets in your shower cabin. The idea is to turn the shower experience into a spa session. They are easy to install and can blend into any color scheme as they come in a variety of finishes.

10. Spa bath

You can never go wrong with women when you install a spa bathtub in your bathroom. These have massage jets that relax the body as you soak in a hot bath. Women enjoy soaking in a bubble bath, and spa bathtubs are a fun way for couples to spend quality time together – get one!

These are a few suggestions to follow when creating a manly bathroom that any chick will love. Remember to keep things simple and functional, and you will have a great bathroom that you and your partner will enjoy.

Text Breakdown: First date was awesome but scheduling a second date is a challenge.

by Robbie 3 Comments

Context: Met on Tinder, missed getting together for like 3 weeks, finally went out Friday.

She was pretty touchy, made out in uber on way to bar #2, closed out bar 2, it’s 2am and she was going to come home with me but also had to be at work at 6:30 so ended up going home on her own instead, good call.

She was a little drunk and kinda toppled over outside the bar when we were figuring out what to do, dragged me down with her, it was hilarious.

Really like this chick a lot and she seemed enthusiastic but now don’t know where I stand.

I let it sit for for today, she never got back to me about her schedule.

Robbie’s Responses:

I think you made a mistake by not going home with her or taking her home. You let logistical hurdles like work get in the way.

I understand you were trying to do the right thing and make sure she isn’t late for her job but is that really your responsibility? She is the one getting fall over drunk 4 hours before she has to be in the office, or so she says… Clearly she didn’t really care about work that much and was enjoying your company more.

Not to mention, this is Tinder, the easiest hook up app of all time. She says “We could have fun tonight, but I pulled the plug.” Sounds like a hint that if you would have been more decisive and took her home, you would have had fun.

“But this doesn’t have to be the end, I’d have only let us have 60ish percent fun based on your curfew and our sidewalk adventure.”

Thanks Captain White Knight, Save a Ho, Dad!

Here’s a great strategy for girls you meet on Tinder who get wasted and drunk on a work night: Make an insecure comment about this being the end, remind her of her curfew and how you are a law abiding citizen, and tease her getting too drunk. Sigh…

But hey, at least she’s texting in the morning and looks like she was late for work anyway, given the 07:53 time stamp.

Joke about wrists and hospitals – GREAT!

But then you go and explain your joke “Actually I’m fine.” Oh really?!?!

I thought you were really hurt. Good joke Dad!

“I’m glad you’re mostly ok…”

Of course she is ok, why say this?

“Had a really good time…”

She knows you had a good time.

“I’d even consider doing it again.”

This is a joke and obvious sarcasm but your prior jokes followed by explanation are so bad that you risk her thinking that you might be serious and the biggest captain obvious of all time.

“It’s not bad at all, I’m more embarrassed than hurt.”

Duh… notice how your overly protective nice guy texts encourages her to explain this. Menos puntos for you sir.

“Aw, don’t be. It was a pretty solid date, you remember most of it right.”

^NEEDY AF

Rather than being chill and letting her wonder about you, you are ruining all the mystery by texting back and forth about the parts of the date that will make her feel potentially bad about her behavior.

Dark humor… probably best to stay away from early on. High risk, minimal reward.

You’d still be better off saying nothing and remaining a mystery given what has transpired.

Don’t over text!

You’ve demonstrated that you will probably create friction and cockblock her from a fun, drunken hookup if you go on a school night. She wants to fuck and she knows you want to fuck. So what are her options if she really thinks this through? She could:

a) See you on a weekend. If she has a life this won’t sound like a great option because no one with a life schedules 1st or second tinder dates on weekends.

b) Schedule for a useless school night (Monday/Tuesday) and then have second thoughts when the day approaches because she doesn’t want a repeat of the last date. Suggesting you go home early together, or having a date at your house or hers might make her feel like a slut, so she’s probably not gonna do that. But she knows you won’t do it, so that’s more reason to flake.

More evidence that this girl loves to get drunk and clearly isn’t too concerned with her career!

She’s drunk at a bar and you are jamming her into conversation about callback humor from your date. Chill out man! Save it for date #2, if she shows up for it.

I’d give it about a 50/50 chance.

Prior to all this subpar texting you were probably 95/5 to get the second date.

But you could have said everything you needed in 2/3 texts instead of a novel. It all shows over-eagerness, friction to fun and a general nice guy, boring, dad vibe.

I have a feeling this isn’t what a girl who drinks back to back on Sunday and Monday night who you met on Tinder is looking for.

What Women Really Think About Your Beard

by Robbie 1 Comment

My friend Wesley, over at iManscape. wrote an article around that subject that focuses on what women really think of men with beards. He broke down information from many studies into an easy to read article covering the topic and threw in some tips for the men.

Some of the data might surprise you…

https://imanscape.com/what-women-think-about-beards/

Meeting women through nightlife

by Robbie Leave a Comment

My buddy Drew is on the short list of people I respect in the world of nightclub promoting. He’s the newest moderator in the Leverage Program, and he has a great story of how he stumbled on club promoting and became wildly successful at it.

Last week I had him on the podcast where we talked about his story. He shares his tips of how normal guys can be successful in the nightlife scene. Check out the episode here.

This week, I’m bringing him back to discuss how you can use nightlife networking skills to meet women and have fun when you go out. Meeting women through nightlife can be easy when you’re using the right skills.

Enter Drew.

Guys often ask me how they can get started in promoting. They know that it’s probably the easiest way in the world to meet hot girls, and that you can even get paid doing it.

The fact is, it’s a lot more straightforward than most guys think. You can start doing it without even having any connections. What you need to do is make sure you have at least 5 hot girls that will go out with you consistently. If you don’t have girls your first night, or you do and they’re not up to par, you’ll have a tough time.

But that’s not as hard as it sounds, because getting your first 5 girls is a great way to practice casual conversation as your opener instead of “hitting on” them. Create a friendly back and forth and if you think they fit the bill, end with “Some friends and I got a table tonight at so and so club, you should join us. Feel free to invite a friend.”

Having her invite out one friend creates a non-threatening hang out scenario since it isn’t one-on-one. If she has fun time with you maybe you even get laid, but I don’t recommend this if you can’t constantly pull in new groups of girls because if anything goes wrong she stops coming out with you and so do her friends.

Be careful with asking her to invite more than one friend because almost every group of girls has a DUFF: the Designated Ugly Fat Friend. But most likely a hot girl has a hot best friend, so it’s cool to ask for one friend. In a nightclub scenario, if she brings an ugly friend she might not get in and she probably knows that if she’s hot and been to any nice club before.

Once you have a solid group, it’s really as simple as going to the club. Nine out of ten times even just a decent looking dude with a few hot girls will get in with no problems.

From there, find a promoter table. Promoter tables are easy to find. Look for tables that have the most girls and the cheapest liquor, and a guy who looks like he is auditioning for an H&M campaign (even I was guilty of this). That guys is probably the promoter in charge.

Politely introduce yourself and say you have a group of girls and you were just looking to join a table. If he’s not a douche, he will invite you to join. Promoters always love more girls at their table, and will always try to flex on other promoters based on quality and quantity.

Now, if promoting for you is strictly for your social circle, you don’t even have to mention to the guy that you want to promote. Just say something like “dude, I always have girls with me looking to go out. I’m not looking to get paid, but would definitely like a consistent group to go out and hang with.” If he knows anything about promoting as a business he’ll bring you in. We call them “key guys”. It gives the girls another guy to talk to at the table who isn’t a creep and it frees up the promoter to stop babysitting, roam the club, and grab more girls/shake hands/bullshit with staff, and everything else he’s expected to do.

If you are looking to get paid for some side income, just ask. “Hey man, I’ve been looking to get into this and I always have girls that want to go out. Any chance I can work with you”? Again, promoters love this. Sub-promoters allow the main promoter to do half the work and they only have to pay you on what you agree to.

Most importantly, after you’ve done all of this, don’t get to wrapped up in the party. Remember, this is for your social circle. Talk to everyone, shake hands, suck up to the client next to you and always be looking to make new associates. They’ll invite you to other events and parties, and each time they do so you level up, since you’re constantly meeting new people. Most of the time they have lucrative careers which helps social validation to a girl you’re talking to (because how many rich guys hang out with broke dudes that don’t work for them in some capacity lol).

And also a PS for if and when you’re invited in to the table- always remember you’re a guest at that table. Don’t double pour your drinks, don’t hit on the girls you don’t know, don’t be rambunctious. 99% of girls will tell you they prefer a guy who keeps their cool in party situation: somewhere between having a great time and you couldn’t care less about being there. And finally, you don’t want to drink too much and embarrass yourself because that limits your access to the table in the future.

I hope you enjoyed that writeup from Drew. For more on how to optimize your experience at clubs, check out this article I wrote on the Unspoken Rules of Bottle Service.

How to get more dates

by Robbie Leave a Comment

As you know, the best way to get the dating life you want is to optimize your strategy as much as you can based on your lifestyle and personality. But just because you’re being efficient and optimal doesn’t mean you shouldn’t also be exhausting as many funnels as you can to meet chicks and other cool dudes.

This was inspired by one of my students, Jeff. Jeff is in his mid 20s and he’s a solid likable guy who’s got his life together and is fun to be around. The problem is that he’s not getting nearly the amount of dates a guy in his shoes should be getting. I have reason to believe that this is because he’s not exhausting his resources enough.

In a perfect world if you wanted to maximize your exposure you should be using these avenues, in this order of relevance:

1. Social Circle. The honest truth is that if your social circle sucks, it’s a reflection of you. Either you aren’t that fun, cool, interesting or valuable to be around.

2. Day Game. This is the easiest, cheapest and most efficient way to meet girls. It takes almost no time and you grow as a person every time you approach. If you suck at this, it’s because you haven’t done it enough and you’re scared. Face your fear, or sit around and get old and die with regrets 🙂

3. Social Events. Go to any environment where people are expected to be social, like festivals, bars, clubs, happy hours, or classes. If you’re doing poorly in these situations then just like Social Circle you aren’t that fun, cool, interesting or valuable to be around, OR you are too scared to talk to randoms and you need to approach more to get over your fear.

4. Hosting Sites. An awesome way to meet people is to host them in your city. Airbnb for your house, Turo for your car, ShowAround if you want to give tours and Couchsurfing if you can’t Airbnb. DogVacay if you have a dog or want to make extra money watching them. They make good wingmen too. These will also generate cash so you get paid to be social.

5. Dating Sites. You should have profiles on all of the relevant sites. Tinder, Bumble, Happn are obvious apps, but you should also be on Match, OkCupid and Plenty of Fish. If you’re older really want a relationship you can use eHarmony. If you’re religious use a niche site like JDate or Christian Mingle. Seeking Arrangements if you like sugar babies, models and girls who want to travel and have some money in the bank. And lastly, Lifestyle Lounge and SDC if you’re into group sex.

I guarantee that one site will be a lot more fruitful to you than others, so it’s important you get multiple profiles out there and measure which site gets the most responses. Otherwise you may be wasting your time on a site that doesn’t fit you best.

Profile Tips:

The pictures hold the key to whether a girl is going to read the rest of your profile. While women like to go off on a laundry list of qualities that include “sense of humor” and “kindness to animals,” they are almost as shallow as men when it comes to online dating. They sit back and watch the dozens of responses that come in and take their pick of the guys who look the best.

If you’re not a great looking dude then make sure you have some pictures that show your other qualities that women find attractive:

Travel
Social Proof (having a picture or two with hot girls, but make sure it doesn’t look like you’re trying too hard to show them off)
Lifestyle (partying in exclusive places)

Make sure you’re swiping and sending messages. My favorite line to use in America on any app where you have to match with someone is “So does this mean we’re exclusive?” followed by the Tinder Marriage Roleplay (which we discuss in the Leverage Program). If she doesn’t think it’s funny, she’s probably not worth talking to. If you’re outside the U.S., she might not understand the humor.

Be cocky and funny in your profile to give off the vibe that you’re not taking online dating too seriously. Women want guys who other women want. You need to have the mindset of a guy who is already successful. Successful guys don’t take online dating seriously because they meet women offline.

Why is this girl being flaky?

by Robbie Leave a Comment

flaky You meet a girl and things start out well, but she starts getting distant or flaky. It’s a situation we’ve all been in. Steve, a Leverage Program member, posted a great question in our private members area about this very situation. Here’s his question:

A girl I’m enthusiastic is being flaky about our third date. Our conversation has always been smooth and to me it seems like we share mutual chemistry.

We met on Tinder and got drinks on our first date. Our second date was a cooking date at my place. We made out, cuddled in our underwear, and I cooked her breakfast the next morning.

We had plans to hang out, but she canceled because she said she has “so much to do” because her mom will be visiting. It feels like a BS excuse. If she wanted to see me I can’t imagine preparation taking that long. She also invited me to her birthday party, but then rescinded the invite and said it’s “too soon to introduce me to her friends.”

I like this girl a lot and thought we had a good connection. However, her flaking makes me feel shitty. Am I making too much of it? Am I being too pushy? What’s my optimal next play?

There are a few possibilities in this scenario and it’s likely a mix of all three. Let’s go through each one.

1. She’s not into him

From the way him described the situation, it sounds like he’s in chase mode. It’s 100% normal to be offended, feel shitty, and be salty when things turn out like this. Connecting with and liking a girl that doesn’t pan out sucks.

Why does this situation make most guys irrational? Because you didn’t just invest the time you spent with her. You invested years of dreaming up a relationship with a certain kind of person you hope to have, and this person matches years of daydreaming. You get excited. Then poof. She’s not into you.

Do not let the above affect you emotionally and act irrationally. It never ends well with this kind of girl. Ever.

Also, think about what chemistry actually means. If she felt this “chemistry” to the extent that he does, she’d be taking him to all these things that she says he can’t come to. When a girl likes a guy, she makes it easy for him to see her (unless she’s being manipulative or there’s some other issue going on).

2. She’s too rigid

If it’s a big deal to meet her friends, imagine all the other things that aren’t actually a big deal that she will think is a big deal. Run from this kind of girl, because dealing with them is a full time job.

Don’t make excuses for women who aren’t into you. When you jive with someone, you hang out with them. If her birthday and her friends visiting are such a big deal, really think about how rigid this person is. Think how she will be a year from now. Good luck with that. Never mind that she did invite him- that’s some evidence that it’s not a big deal.

Introducing a guy to her friends is only a big deal in the movies. Seek someone who is flexible, not rigid, and not in their head. It’s hard to stress enough how valuable of a trait being flexible is in a partner, and most guys (and women) never even think about it.

3. There’s another dude in the picture

My instinct is that the un-invitation is not about her BS excuse, but rather another dude in the picture that will be at the party.

I ran this situation by a female friend of mine, and her conclusion is that there’s someone else: “She’s not hanging out with her mom. A guy visited her. If it was her mom, she’d find a way to sneak away for five minutes. She can’t do that with another guy around.”

It’s always safe to assume that you have some competition. Any hot woman will have exes, current guys she’s lukewarm about but who are pursuing her, guys in her social circle who are out of a reach but she’d gladly date, and the list goes on and on. Believing that she’s getting chased by other guys is good for you because it encourages you to keep approaching other girls. This gives you an abundance mentality so no matter what happens with any one specific girl, you aren’t phased by it.

The Lesson

If you’ve been following my newsletter for a while, you know that I like to make everything about attraction as simple as possible. I can’t stand dating coaches who overcomplicate things.

So strip away all the gaming, game theory, questions, guessing, and gauging. As cheesy or oversimplified as it sounds: is she being present and transparent?

Long story short: solid connections between people that are en route to building a deep connection or falling in love show mutual presence and transparency. When one of those things is missing, there’s usually an alarming reason why. It could be that one person is not interested, there’s someone else in the picture, or someone is a basket case. If a new relationship feels like a ton of work, it’s probably not on a path to anywhere positive.

I’m taking on a few new clients in the Leverage Program, so if you think you could benefit from coaching tailored to your exact situation, like what to text a girl back, apply here.

I look forward to working together.

The truth about confidence and rejection

by Robbie Leave a Comment

If you don’t feel confident in your dating life, it says nothing about your character. It’s just an indication that you need more practice so you can stack more wins.

There’s a lot of nonsense out there on what confidence is, or what it takes to develop confidence. Confidence is the thoughts and feelings that result from a series of wins stacked together. It’s your expectation of how you’ll perform in a given situation, and it’s different from self-esteem, which is your overall evaluation of yourself.

I was reviewing Mate by Tucker Max yesterday and found a brilliant definition of confidence:

“Confidence is the realistic expectation you have of being successful at something, given (a) your competence at it and (b) the risk involved with doing it.”

Confidence ONLY comes from experience and competence. “Fake it till you make it” is a bad long-term strategy because no matter what you tell yourself, your brain subconsciously creates a metric that assesses whether or not you’ll do well in this situation with reasonable accuracy. Confidence is grounded in real world results, whereas arrogance is based on your imagination and self-delusion (and doesn’t work).

The subconscious part of your brain is more important for confidence than what you rationally tell yourself, meaning that if you don’t subconsciously believe you have the skills to be competent, you don’t have confidence.

Unfortunately, there is no faking out your own psyche when it comes to how confident you feel about your abilities. Your confidence has to be calibrated on your competence. You can’t lie to yourself because your self is smarter than you are- LOL, confused yet? I am. Anyway…

If you step up to bat against a major league pitcher, you know that the best guys in the world are getting a hit 30% of the time, and getting on base 40% of the time. How confident should you be if you don’t play baseball? Even if you played in high school or college, your confidence isn’t gonna be very high, and it shouldn’t be!

You develop a higher level of confidence in any field when it’s something you’ve done often, when you’ve failed over and over, and when you’ve achieved some success. When you learn what works and what doesn’t, you develop an accurate assessment of how you’re likely to perform in any situation.

If you keep practicing and the wins aren’t coming, it means you’re practicing in the wrong areas, getting bad advice, or you have blind spots you’re unaware of. Don’t keep doing the same thing over and over, hoping for a different result. That’s crazy. Get some coaching, learn proven methods of success, and practice those methods. That’s the only way to develop confidence over the long haul.

Let’s talk about rejection.

What most guys don’t realize is that women don’t actually want to reject you. They don’t enjoy it. They have no desire to make you feel bad about yourself, they are only doing their best job of exiting an interaction that doesn’t interest them.

If they aren’t attracted to you, their goal is to signal to you in the least awkward and offensive way possible that you should move on. Unfortunately, most guys don’t pick up on these signals.

Common Signals of Rejection:

1. The first hint occurs when she communicates with a passive businesslike manner and avoids eye contact. This is when you get one-word responses and she doesn’t actively engage with anything you’re throwing out there.

2. If you persist, you’ll get the cold shoulder. This is what’s occurring when guys interpret women’s behavior as subtly “cold” or “bitchy.” She starts going from passively rejecting you to being actively dismissive.

3. Finally, if you haven’t gotten the message by this point, she’s likely to say something that you interpret as condescending, rude or mean. She’s doing everything she can to get you to leave.

The thing to remember is that this behavior isn’t really about you, because most women constantly get hit on really poorly. They’ll frequently encounter sociopathic guys who have no fear of rejection. These guys will walk up and say whatever they want. Their confidence occurs from the lack of a biological fear response, so they have no calibration to her signals.

The other common uncomfortable way women get hit on is by guys with poor social skills. Guys who can’t pick up on social norms, like guys with Asperger Syndrome, come across as creepy to women because they’re oblivious to the signals women are sending and they keep on pushing. Like guys with sociopathic traits, this is a category of guys that women have to go out of their way to send signals of rejection.

Should I hit on less attractive girls?

Back in 2007 when I was working through the requirements to become an approach coach for Pickup101, I needed to get an infield hidden camera video where I got a number or instant date on camera- a daunting task. I spent an evening walking around the UTC Mall in La Jolla and hit on 32 women.

I got the “I have a boyfriend” line 32 times. I vividly remember letting a few approach opportunities with the hottest girls go because I felt like I had less of a chance with them. But after 32 rejections, I was completely annoyed and on the verge of feeling straight up angry.

Finally, on the 33rd approach I was able to get a girl’s number, but the audio didn’t work. I really wanted to destroy those stupid wireless microphones. I was so angry I needed to break something to release my frustration. But I got some Zen calming advice from my cameraman and called it quits that day.

We later traveled up to West Hollywood for the weekend and hit up the Beverly Center for more approaches. The talent in LA was way better than in San Diego, and even when I get rejected the girls were way sweeter about it.

It dawned on me that the hotter the girl, the more experience she has rejecting guys. Because of this, the idea that you should “warm up” by talking to less attractive women is a silly one. Doing so will only lead to harsher rejections, because you’re dealing with a girl who doesn’t have as much experience confidently and respectfully exiting conversations. Less attractive girls have less experience dealing with guys in general.

Men and women have radically different experience with dating. Women get hit on so often that they develop experience rejecting men.

Ever since she hit puberty, an attractive woman has dealt with all kinds of guys approaching her, checking her out, making suggestive comments. By her 18th birthday, odds are she’s already had six years of this happening every single day. Compare that to a typical 28 year-old guy who’s hit on 100 girls in the last year: she has way more experience under her belt.

Regardless of how experienced you think you are, I promise she has more experience rejecting guys than you have being rejected.

But remember that most of the time women are being hit on by guys they don’t want to talk to. That’s good news for you. You’re not a construction worker catcalling her as she walks down the street, you’re not an intimidating sociopath, and the better you get, the easier for you it becomes to read the social signals she’s sending nonverbally.

And if you were wondering, I finally did get a number on camera. Here’s the footage. Notice my horrific outfit, bad posture and general dorky-ness.

If you have a good eye for reading women’s reactions, you probably noticed that this girl was not into me at all. This is the classic example of a pity number. She just gave it to me because she didn’t want to make me feel bad, especially on camera! Needless to say, she never responded to my texts but hey, I got the video.

Here’s one tip that I use all the time when asking for a girls number to alleviate any awkwardness. Just say “Give me your number or if you don’t like me, give me a fake one.” She will always giggle. It turns the taboo number exchange into a laugh which can only strengthen a connection.

Stop caring what other people think…or don’t?

by Tyler W Leave a Comment

Think of all the things you could accomplish if you didn’t care what other people think. In an ideal world, you could flip a switch in your brain to do this, start taking bigger risks, and reap the rewards.

That’s why on the surface, “stop caring what other people think” is a great piece of advice.

But as is usually the case, reality is more complicated than a piece of rah-rah self-help oversimplification.

So what’s my problem with this idea?

The problem is that caring what others think is ingrained in human nature. We evolved in tribes with less than 150 people. If you were ostracized by your group, it meant you had to live on your own without any support. And that means you’re probably going to die, because our ancestors depended on cooperating when they hunted and gathered food.

When I first started studying the social psychology principles we teach at Inner Confidence, I came across the piece of advice to be “internally validated.” There were times when I fell into a trap that a lot of guys encounter, but no one really talks about. It’s impossible to always be internally validated, and when I felt myself seeking others’ approval, I beat myself up more for not being internally validated. Ironically I ended up worse off than if I had never known the concept in the first place.

Don’t get me wrong- every action you take should be a step on a journey towards more internal validation. But give yourself permission to be human. If you find yourself seeking or even craving the approval of others, it’s completely normal. If you don’t care at all what other people think about you, it means you’re a sociopath or a psychopath.

What’s the alternative?

If you’re able to flip a switch and stop caring what other people think, more power to you. Do it and don’t overthink it.

But for guys who struggle with caring what other people think, that’s difficult. So here’s my suggestion:

Live your life based on what matters to you and what you want to achieve. Don’t compromise on your values based on what others might think.

Pay attention to the times when you’re worried about what others think, and then do whatever it is you want to do regardless of their judgement.

Seeking Validation

There will always be times when you seek validation from others. Like we discussed, it’s in our genes as a result of humans’ tribal evolution as hunter-gatherers. The goal isn’t to eliminate this tendency altogether, because that’s impossible. The goal is to be aware of it and turn it into something that helps you.

The problem is that we evolved to care what 150 people in our tribe thought of us. If you didn’t care what that tribe thought of you, they would ostracize and exclude you, and you would die. That’s the biological reason we care what other people think.

We’re in a completely different environment now. Our brains aren’t wired to effectively respond to the social realities of 2017. That has advantages and disadvantages.

I look up to Robbie as a mentor and a boss. I look up to my family. I have positive friends in my life and I want them to respect my actions. I want to do things that make all of these people happy, and I’m fine with this. Yes, I’m seeking their approval or validation. I share their values, so if they’re happy with the actions I’m taking and the way I’m living my life, then there’s a good chance I’m on a good path.

Unlike most people who passively seek the approval of others without giving it any thought, I’ve consciously determined that these are the people I care about receiving validation from. And I’m rejecting most of the norms that society forces most people into believing, like accepting the standard 9-5 job and career path, or the standard relationship trajectory that American culture endorses.

Define clearly the people you care about and what you want them to think, then don’t worry about the rest.

Who are the people you are happy to seek validation from?