Connection Archives - Page 3 of 11

5 of the Most Effective Tips for Improving Your Vocal Tonality

Some guys are born with a naturally powerful voice that turns women on. Most guys aren’t as fortunate. Some guys have naturally picked up good habits from their peers, friends, and families. Most guys don’t put in this kind of effort, but they should. Even professionals like sportscasters have spent hundreds of hours working on their own and with coaches to sound more confident.

1. Open your mouth wider
Do you mumble? Open your mouth wider.

Do you speak too quickly? Open your mouth wider.

Do you speak too softly? Open your mouth wider.

This could go on and on, and there’s a good reason for this piece of advice: a huge amount of vocal tonality issues disappear when you simply open your mouth wider. It’s one of the first tips singers learn, and it’s as close to a magic pill as you can get when you’re working on your voice.

2. Breathe from your diaphragm
Even though it’s the only skill we’ve been using since birth, most people actually breathe incorrectly. Take a deep breath, hold it for a few seconds, and exhale.

Did you shoulders rise and fall? If they did, that means you’re breathing wrong. Correct breathing happens from the diaphragm, not the chest. When you breathe, the only thing that should be moving is your stomach because that means you’re properly breathing from your diaphragm.

When you breathe properly, you speak with more power and conviction, and come across as more seductive without even thinking about it.

3. Stop ending your sentences with an upward inflection
Don’t do this (unless you’re a Kardashian).

4. Record yourself
Most guys never do this because it’s awkward, uncomfortable, and even downright painful to hear their own voices. But this is another situation where just taking the simplest step will already put you ahead of most steps. Do something that’s uncomfortable and listen to your own speech.

Read a paragraph out loud while recording it on your iPhone. Once you get over the discomfort of hearing your own voice, the insights you’ll gain from listening critically will lead to rapid improvements in your voice.

5. Learn to relax your larynx
Guys with weak or feminine sounding voices often carry too much tension in their larynx (the muscle that we think of as the Adam’s Apple). Diaphragmatic breathing can help significantly, but it’s even more important to do exercises that specifically target the larynx. Search Youtube for tutorials, and practice these at least once a day. You’ll be shocked at how quickly your voice improves.

Most of the social skills you need to learn to improve your life are difficult. Vocal tonality is an exception. It just takes 10 minutes a day of following these simple tips to experience real results.

Develop Your Inner Confidence Interview on Pickup Change

by Robbie Leave a Comment

I was recently interviewed by pickupchange.com

We talked about how to build your confidence and make your approach to girls more natural and effective.

Here’s what we covered in the podcast:

The easiest way to meet girls
How to develop your inner confidence
How to overcome approach anxiety
What is the average success ratio in daygame
How to enjoy the process and stop being focused only on the outcome
Do looks and wealth really matter?
How to spot a girl who is actively looking for men.

http://www.pickupchange.com/develop-your-inner-confidence-interview-with-robbie-kramer/

Enjoy,

Robbie

Do you agree too much?

by Tyler W Leave a Comment

A common mistake that guys who don’t have well-developed social skills make is that they are too agreeable. They don’t want to tell girls no. They don’t want to make polarizing statements. They’d rather go with the flow than rock the boat. They avoid controversy.

At first glance, this seems like it’s a good idea. If you aren’t a social genius or a beast with women, why take a risk that has a chance of hurting a relationship or creating tension?

Here’s the problem: when you’re in the middle, you’re vanilla. You need to be polarizing to be attractive to people. You need to filter some people out. You need to invite rejection with some girls in order to build attraction with others, because no one is attracted to a guy in the middle.

If you’re getting polarizing reactions, you’re probably telling the truth. When you don’t hide behind things left unsaid, you’re going to get some strong positive reactions, and you’re also going to get some harsh rejections. That’s a good thing.

Invite rejection as a filter. You should be making bolder claims and use your questions as a way to invite rejection. If the content you’re saying is something that everyone can agree with, it means your conversations are vanilla and boring. You should instead be more polarizing in order to screen out women you wouldn’t be happy with.

There’s a good reason why guys with social anxiety are too agreeable. For these guys, disagreeing with others activates the same brain region responsible for triggering anxiety. As we know, avoidance is the most common coping strategy for anxiety: we avoid stimuli that trigger anxiety. So these guys are excessively agreeable in order to ward off the potential of feeling anxious. They’ve subconsciously and automatically found that they can feel more comfortable in social situations if they’re agreeable all the time.

Most people default to being agreeable and easy to get along with, because in general, being agreeable is the social lubricant of new relationships.

The patterns of social behavior that people display over time represent their individual method for warding off emotional discomfort. People tend to reflexively use different social strategies and avoid others, based on what creates and avoids anxiety for them. So in this case, people who have a tendency to feel anxious about social interaction will default to being excessively agreeable in order to ward off that type of emotional discomfort. It’s why social anxiety is often accompanied by passivity.

Always remember that communication isn’t about your intent. It’s about the effect you have on your listener. And if you aren’t ever having an emotional effect on your listener, you’re boring.

Why is approaching so important for building confidence?

by Tyler W Leave a Comment

You’ve heard me say it over and over, but if you expect to get results and you’re not crushing approaches or already dating multiple women, it’s just not gonna happen.

If you wanna get good at basketball you’ve gotta take a ton of shots right? You can’t expect to show up at the court, stand around with the ball and expect to improve can you?

Well, that’s what many of you guys are doing, and then whining that you suck and the program isn’t working. That line of thinking is actually offensive to guys who have put in the work. Robbie crushed 10k approaches by the time he was in his late 20’s. Now he never has to approach anyone because he paid his dues.

Confidence isn’t a switch you flip because you feel like it. It’s something you develop over thousands of repetitions. Confidence occurs as the byproduct of developing your skills.

Here’s what you can expect in terms of objective results when you start making approaches:

1,000 approaches get most guys past anxiety.
The next 2,000 get you more comfortable being in the moment.
The next 2,000 after that get you dates with 6’s, 7’s and occasional 8’s, as long as your fashion, accent, body language and fitness are on point.
Once you hit the 5,000+ mark, it becomes almost silly to day game anymore because odds are you’re crushing social circle and night game much harder, because you have a much hotter pool of women to draw from.

“Fake it till you make it” really means perform an action repeatedly until it becomes a habit. You can’t fake an action and expect it to work long-term, but you can keep performing an action until it becomes comfortable.

Let’s take Leverage Program member Joe as a case study. I met him in 2007 at a workshop Robbie was leading in Phoenix. He didn’t sign up, and didn’t reach out again until 2014, when he signed up for the Leverage Program. He spent his first six months in the course downloading lessons into his brain and getting crushed in the group for douchey behavior. He did a great job taking the feedback without getting angry or salty. He lost some weight then grew a cool beard then approached like crazy. Now he’s consistently banging 6’s and the occasional 7+. See how that works guys?

Meaningful life change isn’t something you develop instantly as a result of being motivated. It only comes through baby steps and daily habits. You have to improve your social skills, physiological state, building relationships, and objectively achieve success with women. Focus on getting more reps, but ignore the 10,000 hour rule, because Malcolm Gladwell got it wrong.

Eventually, you’ll get to the point where you have the eye of the tiger. The eye of the tiger is an expression we use for a guy who has a lot confidence, has fucked a lot of women and isn’t intimidated by women.

When you reach this point in your game, you tend to use eye contact as your number one tool for approaching. Women will smell your confidence and you’ll notice them checking you out. You throw a seductive look their way and see how they react. If she gives you love, you walk over and just say hi. It’s often a done deal from there, granted you don’t say anything stupid.

Essentially, being an active member of the Leverage group and hitting on a TON of women will help you develop your eye of the tiger.

True confidence only comes from demonstrated performance. It’s hard to fool your subconscious mind, which is why gimmicks like NLP and positive affirmations are just a band-aid that ultimately fails.

Most guys overestimate how different they are from others. What this means is that you can simply take someone else’s path to success, and emulate it. Take the same actions that they took. Look to your mentors to build your identity. Do what they did. Do what works.

Reader question: How do I escape the friend zone?

by Robbie Leave a Comment

A reader asks:

I’m planning out a date with an old casual friend from my hometown, where I’ve been staying for a few months. I recently got out of a 5 year relationship and looking forward to dating again.

Background: I’ve somewhat had a crush on her. I always had an older brother-sister frame with her. I want to use this harmless coffee to take a step beyond the friendship dynamic. I know I need to do this very smoothly so there is no weirdness and end up creeping her out. What’s the best way to do this?

You are going about this with the wrong frame of mind. She knows you are both out of a relationship and it’s going to look super telegraphed and desperate on your part if you try to pursue her romantically. You’ll likely fail, look like a huge idiot/douche/loser, and also end up ruining the friendship.

Damaging a long-term friendship for pussy is really dumb because cool, attractive girls will usually have others just like them who they can hook you up with.

You’re much better off going this route and letting her make an obvious move on you if she’s attracted to you. You might think there’s something there in her mind, but you aren’t even close to qualified to make that assessment.

Hang out with her, connect and treat her like a friend. The less sleazy romantic and flirty you are, the better. Treat her like your little sister and bust her balls as you would with a little sister. Attempt to see her another time soon in a group situation. Don’t ask her out on anything that seems like a date.

You’re finally single! Now you can daygame and use the Leverage Program how it’s designed, instead of trying to go for the “seemingly easy layups” with girls from your past. I promise it’s way more difficult than meeting new girls, and the downside severely outweighs the upside when things inevitably turn awkward and jeopardize the friendship.

The bigger picture here is that guys with a scarcity mentality, who haven’t hit on enough women, are the ones who get “friend-zoned.” It’s a result of guys being attracted to a girl but not having the courage to announce their intentions, then when they do girl says “no” and they follow her around hoping she will come around one day. I’m not saying this is the case with you, but guys who do this are dishonest and pathetic.

Don’t pursue every woman you meet. Instead befriend them, THEN YOU ARE PUTTING HER IN THE FRIEND ZONE. Eventually some of the girls you befriend will want to date you, they’ll introduce you to their friends, and your life will be better. Stop saying that stupid phrase “friend zone,” because it’s holding you back. GTFO with this mentality. Make friends, be casual, work hard, have fun, and turn your brain chatter off.

Just build regular normal two-way friendships. If you want a girl, ask her out. If she says no, move on. Voila- all your problems are solved.

How do I connect with girls on their level?

by Tyler W Leave a Comment

A common challenge for guys during the process of developing their conversation skills is that they struggle to connect with girls intellectually. But most of the time, this isn’t a challenge they realize they’re facing, because it expresses itself in other ways. The most common way it shows up is when guys ask “How do I turn my brain off and talk to girls on their level?” or “How do I connect with girls at parties?”

This is something I’ve always had a natural inclination for. I didn’t even realize it was a useful skill until I heard a bunch of other guys lamenting about the challenges of talking to “dumb girls.” While their view of this is skewed, with some reflection, I’ve been able to identify that in my case this ability arose out of a combination of my natural personality traits with some skills I’ve consciously developed. It comes down to three things I’m doing.

The three factors that you need to employ to connect with anyone are curiosity, unconditional positive regard, and empathy.

1. Curiosity

Everyone is naturally curious about certain topics. Some people are more curious about technology and systems, while the guys who are naturally good with women are often curious about social relationships and sports.

The good thing about curiosity is that “fake it till you make it” definitely applies here. Faking curiosity looks the same as actually being curious, and it’s how you learn curiosity as a social skill. When you ask questions to fully understand where someone else is coming from and make statements to relate it back to your own perspective, there’s no such thing as “faking it”. Your actions matter, not your thoughts, so there’s nothing you’re really faking here.

Asking questions to find out what other people value in life will always prompt good discussion, and it doesn’t matter if someone is a party girl or a genius who likes all the same things as you- both of these individuals have values that you can explore, and all these values point to ironies about the human condition and commonalities we all share.

So that girl you have trouble connecting with because you don’t understand her? The fact that you don’t understand her is an asset you can use to your advantage! Be curious and try to understand her, because this quest will provide endless conversation material.

2. Unconditional positive regard

Unconditional positive regard is a fancy way of saying not to judge people. It’s one of the first skills that new therapists learn, which is how I came across it. Psychologist Carl Rogers coined the term, and Wikipedia has a great definition: “the basic acceptance and support of a person regardless of what the person says or does.”

It’s not about liking or approving what someone is talking about, it’s about accepting it, and showing that matter what they say, you’re not judging their value as a human being as a result of it. This means not emotionally reacting when someone tells you something that violates society’s norms. The best example is reacting nonchalantly if a girl tells you that she’s a stripper or a porn star. If you don’t have a visible reaction on your face and you continue the conversation just as if she said she’s an accountant, that’s unconditional positive regard.

When a woman feels that she can tell you about anything and you won’t judge her for it, that’s extremely powerful. That’s a foundation that can lead to the raunchiest sexual conversation, or it can lead to her telling you her deepest secrets faster than she’s ever told anyone else before.

Carl Rogers sums up why this is so powerful: “When a person realizes he has been deeply heard, his eyes moisten. I think in some real sense he is weeping for joy. It is as though he were saying, ‘Thank God, somebody heard me. Someone knows what it’s like to be me.’”

3. Empathy

I saved empathy for last on purpose. Everything thinks they know what it means, like compassion, or sympathy. But let’s look at what it ACTUALLY means and how we can use it to our advantage in this situation. Yes, that means I’m getting out the dictionary.

The Random House Dictionary defines empathy as “the psychological identification with or vicarious experiencing of the feelings, thoughts, or attitudes of another.” When I said everyone thinks they know what it means, it’s because people think they get it at a superficial level. What the typical superficial understanding misses is how this can be a superpower in your arsenal of connection skills.

Empathy means psychological perspective-taking. It’s more than just seeing an experience through someone else’s eyes; it’s living it through their all their emotions and senses. I guarantee that if you try to fully empathize with someone about an experience they’ve had, you will not run out of things to say. There are always more things you can ask to better understand where they’ve been and where they’re coming from.

Never run out of things to say? How is this possible?

All humans have experienced the same emotions, and we connect by resonating with each other emotionally.

When you fully try to understand someone else’s emotional experience, that’s how emotional bonds are formed.

The homie Carl Rogers is back at it again: “Being empathic means: ‘To be with another in this way means that for the time being you lay aside the views and values you hold for yourself in order to enter another’s world without prejudice. In some sense it means that you lay aside your self and this can only be done by a person who is secure enough in himself that he knows he will not get lost in what may turn out to be the strange or bizarre world of the other, and can comfortably return to his own world when he wishes. Perhaps this description makes clear that being empathic is a complex, demanding, strong yet subtle and gentle way of being.’”

Why are you turning women off?

by Tyler W Leave a Comment

A recent study done at the University of Florida looked into the biggest turnoffs in potential romantic partners.

The researchers found that deal breakers had a bigger effect on the formation of a romantic or sexual relationship than deal makers. In other words, the most important thing for attraction isn’t to be really attractive, it’s to not be unattractive.

This is why in the Leverage Program we focus on the fundamentals first. Do you know how to dress? Are you in shape? Do you have poor vocal tonality? Fixing this type of problem will get you more gains than working on being attractive.

A lot of guys think they have to be super smooth, have great conversational skills, be in great shape, and be rich to do the best with women. But it’s actually easier than that. To start getting success, you need to fix your biggest weaknesses, and identify women who have the same relationship goals as you, whether that’s a short-term hookup, a long-term relationship, or anything in between.

Let’s break it down further. The Florida researchers identified the seven most common factors that prevented people from forming relationships (short-term or long-term).

1. Differing mating strategies
Your approach matters. Approach women in the right way, and you eliminate one possible deal breaker right off the bat.

2. Differing relationship goals
If you’re looking for a hookup with a girl who’s trying to get married in the next month, chances are, nothing is going to happen. The best thing you can do to overcome this one is to meet women in the right places so you can screen for women who want the same things as you.

3. Differing religious beliefs
This is one of those things that will be a deal breaker for some women if they decide you’re not compatible. The important thing is to be aware of this and learn how to meet women with beliefs and preferences in line with yours.

4. Limited social status
Your social circle matters. Build a strong network around you, start leading others, host activities, and this deal breaker will vanish.

5. Unattractiveness
Physical attractiveness is less important to women than it is to men, but it’s inevitable that sometimes women aren’t attracted to you. Fortunately, it’s easier for men to improve their attractiveness than it is for women. Again, the fundamentals are key: get your grooming right, get clothes that fit you, get a haircut that matches your face, clean up before you go out, and unattractiveness won’t be a problem anymore.

6. Unhealthy lifestyle
Health and fitness are crucial for having a balanced and healthy life, and women know this both consciously and unconsciously. This is why we always coach overweight guys to lose weight before they prioritize anything else: women aren’t turned off by fat guys because they’re superficial; it’s because unhealthy lifestyles are repulsive.

7. Undesirable personality traits
If you aren’t hanging around guys who are successful with women, you probably aren’t aware of the goofy things you’re doing that are turning women off. There are a ton of seemingly little personality traits that can be deal breakers to women, and this is why it’s crucial to have a good mentor or group of friends who you can learn good habits from.

Don’t suck. That’s the first step to being attractive.

A Master Networker’s Guide to Building Elite Connections

by Tyler W Leave a Comment

Guest post by Max, Leverage Program moderator

In the Leverage Program, we often advise members to invest in human capital, and here’s why: the key to building a social network is to invest in other people.

Volunteer your time and say yes to just about everything until you absolutely have no choice but to start being more selective, because you’d be surprised how connected people are. For example, the head of the Boys & Girls Clubs of Boston is one of the Kraft brothers, the owners of the New England Patriots. Volunteering is a great way for anyone to have access to successful people that they otherwise could never meet. It levels the playing field as far as social status and wealth go. To do this, I got involved with two non-profits. One is very established, and the other is an up-and-comer. Pick some causes you support and get involved with relevant organizations.

Keep your eyes open for any new “centers” in your city, like new neighborhoods with new big apartment developments, new professionals groups, and new restaurants. Reach out as quickly as you can.

New apartment building? I dropped by the office, introduced myself, met the owners, asked how the plan is evolving, congratulated them on the exciting new project, asked for a tour, and then I ended up renting in their new building.

New restaurant? These are passion projects. People pour their hearts, blood, sweat, and tears into making them happen. Stop by during the day when they are setting up, congratulate them on their new venture, welcome them to the neighborhood, and tell them how you can’t wait to try it out soon. Someone will likely give you a card and tell you to ask for them when you come in. Make it a priority to get back there ASAP to see your new connect (which is also a great date opportunity).

I get to know the owners BEFORE the grand openings by reaching out early. I was listed on the grand opening bill right under the mayor’s name in Boston just six months after I moved here, because I got myself involved early on. I was able to invite about 100 people to that event, an opportunity to reinvest in my network.

These are all businesspeople with businesses to run themselves, so they need connectors and advocates. When you find a place worth advocating for, do it! Systematically bring all of your friends there. Make it a priority to promote their business for no financial gain whatsoever. To the owners, you will be a saint. To your friends, you will be that uber-connected guy.

Read the local news so you know what is going on. Follow other people’s success so you can A) Aim to emulate them, B) Congratulate them when you run into them, or C) When appropriate, join their team to help them become even more successful.

Keep notes in your phone of everyone you meet, like bouncers, bartenders, and waiters. Knowing someone’s name can go a long way in establishing a bond from scratch. Names are so easy to keep track of when you write them down on your phone that there’s no reason not to. Especially in the places where you become a regular, being on a first-name basis with the staff can pay huge dividends.

Help people with their pet projects if you have something valuable to add. Send them a relevant article, expertise if you have it, or a helpful connection. My goal is to be responsible for making a lot of people a lot of money and a lot of connections. For example, a Leverage moderator introduced me to a ton of valuable and helpful people. I’ve done what I can to introduce him his CEO, the CEO of a major private jet company, and the CEO of payments company. It goes on: I have no idea who I’m going to meet who is planning on going to Coachella in a month or so. Maybe they need a sick AirBnB house to stay in? “Oh you’re going to Coachella and you need a place to stay? You should absolutely talk to my buddy. I’ve stayed at his places before and they’re awesome.”

Efficiency is important to me. My goal is to be only 80% busy on any given day so I have time to leave the office to do non-work personal branding networking stuff without it affect my business. I pay top dollar for an Equinox gym membership, because I see the same people that I’m networking with working out at my gym, so I can balance workouts with networking. I live locally, work out locally, network locally, and live in a hot restaurant district. All of the activities that I spend my time on provide leverage for other areas of life.

Always follow up with a short and simple thank you email or text or Facebook message. It’s necessary, and too often overlooked. Get free tickets or an invite? “Thanks for the tickets, ABC! XYX and I particularly enjoyed the ____. Best, Max” If you don’t do this, don’t expect another invite from them or their network.

How do you pick what networks to target? I generally surround myself with slightly older and more established people who are one or two steps ahead of where I am. I don’t ignore younger people by any means, but by virtue of my age (26) I am generally on the younger side of the professional crowd so I look for people just a few steps ahead of me.

Focus on quality rather than quantity. A recent study at the University of New South Wales has shown that being part of social groups that you personally value raises your self-esteem more than just having an extensive network of friends. Because I’m not aiming for sheer quantity of connections, I have no interest in networking in bars. I go to nicer upscale cocktail style lounges where late-20’s early 30’s hang out because that’s where I feel comfortable and that’s who I get along with. And I’m not doing Jaeger-bombs on a random Tuesday night (unless I’m in Vegas of course).

The way you invest in your network represents your personal branding. It’s how you will come to be known, so don’t fuck up the basics. Don’t get too drunk and embarrass your connections, dates, or yourself. Don’t leave the house looking like you didn’t look in the mirror. Nail the fundamentals of being a complete man that we teach in the Leverage program.

You will never be able to plan what this grows or develops into. Trust the process without worrying about the outcome, because if you follow this process, it will eventually result in success. The point is to nurture your connections: always hopeful, never disappointed (just like my dog).

Why is it hard to stop chasing girls?

by Tyler W Leave a Comment

A common piece of advice for men is “don’t chase girls.” It’s good advice, and it’s a piece of advice I’ve given before. And yet, a lot of the advice from beginners is still “how do I get this girl to like me when she doesn’t?” Why is it so hard for beginners to follow?

Before we answer that, let’s take a step back. It’s crucial to understand that the only lasting method of having women in your life is to first, develop the characteristics that women find attractive, second, learn how to display those characteristics, and third, put yourself in situations where the kind of women you want to meet will see you displaying those characteristics.

Although these three steps form a simple formula for confidence, they’re not easy to implement, and they don’t happen overnight. This is why we say there’s no magic bullet to being successful with women.

What’s an example of mastering these steps? A guy who doesn’t know how to start a conversation goes to improv classes to learn how to banter, then he starts volunteering where he begins to start casual conversations with women.

Back to our original question about chasing: the problem is that if you haven’t already mastered these steps, you’re going to be chasing girls who aren’t completely sold on you, and it’s hard to stop. if you don’t already have women in your life, it seems like your only option is to chase.

If you feel like every girl is telling you no, your gut reaction won’t be to find a different girl who says yes, or to find new ways to improve your life. Your gut reaction will be to figure out how to get past the no. You see a brick wall in front of you and instinctively look for ways to get over it, rather than figuring out why the wall is there in the first place.

If you’re the typical guy who isn’t already attractive to women, and someone like me tells you that you need to stop chasing women, you feel like if you do that you’ll lose all your options.

And to most guys, that feels worse than chasing.

It’s tough when you’re craving a girl’s time and affection, but sometimes the only way to get it is to wait. The point of icing is to get her pursuing you. In most scenarios, if she gave a fuck she would have hit you up again. Women want what they can’t have.

Yes, you need to stop chasing. If you’re chasing, you’re not the one in control, and you won’t get what you want. But at the same time, you need to ensure that you’re also improving your life so that you don’t need to chase. You need to develop attractive traits. You need to learn how to display these traits. You need to learn basic social skills. You need to understand your personality. You need to identify what kind of women you do the best with. You need to start going to where these women are, and you need to start putting yourself in uncomfortable situations.

Basically, you need to follow the example of the guy who took improv classes.

There’s nothing more unattractive than desperation. Desperation is the least attractive shit on Earth.

The root of the issue is that “don’t chase” is advice about how to stop being unattractive. It’s helpful, but it’s not enough. Only when you combine it with everything else you need to become attractive does this advice become helpful, and powerful. Only then will you stop running into the brick wall, and start to deconstruct it brick by brick.

How to Turn Her on Outside of the Bedroom

by Carly Leave a Comment

If you’ve ever spent any time around a woman, you know the quickest, simplest thing can turn them off like a lightswitch. Just like that, they’re done, from “I love you so much and want to marry you” to “go jump off a cliff, you suck.”

Just like that they can turn off, but why can’t we turn them on just as quickly? Well, you can. We’re here to tell you the trick. The problem is that most men only try to turn on their women when already in the bedroom.

While that is important, it’s just as, if not more, important to turn her on out of the bedroom. You wine and dine her, you’re probably going to go back home to a nice desert. But if you don’t do the dishes after she’s asked three times…I think you can see how that night’s going to end.

Women are like sponges: they take in everything, all of the time. So we’ve put together a list of things with little or no cost that you can do to warm her up during the day, and in turn make for one hot night. Women like originality, so the more personable you can make these, the more points you’re going to score.

Hug her

Not just a side hug or a light embrace. Hold her tightly, until she ends it. Holding her will remind her you’re her protector and that you’re there to keep her safe. Actually enjoy it, and let her know you appreciate holding her. Bonus points if you can get her to initiate it.

2. Buy her a pair of panties

Buying lingerie seems cliche right? When’s the last time you’ve done it? If you want to go all out, get a matching bra and panty set. If you want to spend a little less, just get a red silk thong, or ask someone to help you pick out a pair at Victoria Secret. The trick to this one is giving it to her at a time when you’re obviously not going to have sex right then and there. Some ideas you could do for this are hiding a box at her house while you’re away, and text her where it is, or giving the box to her at dinner and telling her to go change into them in the bathroom. This gives her a chance to play along with you. (IMPORTANT: Make sure you get the RIGHT size!!!)

3. Whisper into her ear

This one works especially well around people. Tell her how sexy she looks, talk about the underwear you saw her wearing underneath, or tell her all of the things you want to do to her later.

4. Write it out

Write her a card, a note, a poem. Just write her something, anything. There is nothing more genuine than taking the time to write down how you feel about her. Your vulnerability will be so sexy to her. Explain why you love her, or thank her for something she did. This will be something she’s going to keep for a very long time, so put some thought into it. (Hint: this one can be reused over, and over, and over again in many different ways so get creative and switch it up!)

5. A picture is worth a thousand words

Planting a picture of her in your wallet is a really nice gesture, but a little outdated. Posting a picture of her on your social media will make her see how you want to show her off, which is extremely sexy. Another route would be to update your screensaver to a picture of you two, or even send one in a text to her with a message saying what you liked about that day. Bonus points: writing a note on the back of a printed out picture and leaving it for her somewhere.

6. Forget a good night cup of tea

Bring her some hot chocolate to bed, this works as a sexual stimulant for her. Accompany it with some fruit or marshmallows. Turn off the TV and put down the phones for this one. Ask her how her day was, what her favorite memory as a kid was, or something stimulating for her (in other words, just ask her about herself).

7. Trap her

…and kiss her. Push her down on the couch, pin her to the wall or lock her in a room you normally wouldn’t go it like the laundry room or a big closet. Kiss her passionately, and after a minute, leave with a smile on your face. This will drive her crazy wanting more, and will surely leave her weak in her knees. Just be careful not to push her into, or onto, anything that will hurt. This will most likely ruin the vibe you were trying to go for.

8. Surprise! I’m here!

While you may not always want her to show up somewhere out of the blue, if done right, she’ll love it. Show up on her lunch break or while she’s getting ready for an event to drop off some flowers. She’ll be drooling over you the rest of the day. (Bonus points if her friends/family are there as witness)

9. Unlock her

Kiss her ankles, knees, elbows, wrists, and knuckles. These areas often get less attention than others, kissing her in these places will transfer energy to her and in turn, have her come “unhinged”.

10. Forget the roses

Get her a plant that she can keep alive (just don’t tie this plant to the life of your love together, just in case she can’t.) Every time she waters it, she’ll think of you. Plants are great for many reasons. Plants are a natural humidifier, they lower amount of carbon dioxide, can prevent allergies, reduce amount of colds, decrease blood pressure, prevent headaches, negate cigarette smoke, and provide many other species-specific benefits. Not to mention she’ll see it everyday and appreciate you.

Any indoor plant will suffice, unless she has a yard or patio with direct sunlight. If she likes to cook, get her an herb. If you know she can’t keep anything alive, get something that requires little water or attention. Any plant nursery will be happy to help, just tell them your requirements and make sure they tell you the best way to take care of it.

After years of wondering why you gave her a massage and she still doesn’t want to have sex afterwards, I’m happy to share with you this secret. If you’re not romantic out of the bedroom, or wherever your place of choice is, she won’t want to be your kinky little sex freak in the bedroom. Luckily, this mentality of hers isn’t permanent and has the chance to be immediately reversed. Remember, you want to do these things without (seemingly) wanting sex at the moment, the more random and spontaneous you can make these, the better.