Most guys don’t have a mental model of the process of seducing a woman. Our culture tells us is it should come natural but I’ll tell you in a minute how that ones out for me.
Spoiler Alert: NOT GOOD
lI’ll speak from my own experience and admit that until my early 20’s I was 90% the boring nice guy or 10% of the time the aggressive creepy guy in the club.
This was my modus operandi between 1997-2005 age (15-23)
– In social circle situations with girls I was interested in (high school and college) I erred heavily on the side of caution and acted as the wallflower. It was safer to do nothing and avoid looking bad by showing interest and taking a risk. (This was possibly caused by my first attempt at love failing miserably and resulting in a ton of embarrassment.) If I found a girl to be “girlfriend material” I’d perfectly navigate my way into the friend zone for many months, only to eventually profess my love to her, which resulted in a painfully awkward exchange, and the ending of the friendship. It was never a true friendship to begin with, so this wasn’t a bad thing, and it ended all the self-inflicted emotional torment.
– The only place I felt comfortable taking risks was on the crowded dance floor at a party or club. But the only thing I knew how to do was approach dancing girls (sometimes from behind) and start grinding with them. They would either grind with me, spin away, or get their friends to save them. This lead to the occasional drunken club hookup. I was afraid to approach the girls that I was most attracted to so I’d set my standards lower to avoid rejection. This resulted in me never wanting a relationship with any of my dance floor hookups.
What allowed me to escape from these two certain outcomes was (1) learning that women aren’t attracted to inauthentic nice guys, (2) how to test and read attraction, and (3) how to navigate the subtle mating dance (some people call this push/pull)
1. Don’t Chase Women –
When I didn’t know what to do, I either did nothing, or I attempted to connect with a woman through conversation. I wasn’t a terrible conversationalist so a connection would often result. But I had no idea how to make the conversation “sexy” or switch from talking to kissing so I’d end up stuck and clueless. The more interested I was in her, the more careful and inauthentic I acted. If I thought she was really hot, I always self destructed.
Solution: Stop chasing by jamming her into useless conversation! This will give a girl the chance to be attracted to you because you’re displaying non-neediness and setting yourself apart from most guys who immediately chase every beautiful women they see. She won’t know anything about you, aside from your fashion/body language and nonverbal tells of confidence. If these non-verbal signals are working for you, she will make up a story about you in her head and it will probably be a good one. This is what girls mean by “He’s so mysterious.” This process can happen in a matter of seconds. If she’s interested she will send you signals in the form of flirty or prolonged eye contact. Think of this as her invitation to approach.
In an environment when the ratio is stacked in your favor, not chasing is often the only thing you need to do. Especially if other guys are chasing. Even if they aren’t, you’re banking on the fact that the girls will party, get turned on, seek attention and want someone to hook up with. The better the ratio, the more likely you’ll be their best option.
How do you know if she’s chosen you or she’s considering it?
Rather than thinking about how to impress people by being interesting, making jokes or thinking about what to say, you should instead focus on embodying and displaying valuable characteristics and test for attraction. Sometimes you can create those opportunities, sometimes they fall in your lap.
2. Testing for Attraction
10 Ways To Test For Attraction:
1) Does she hold eye contact?
2) Does she engage you in conversation and ask you personal questions?
3) Does she touch you back or initiate touch?
4) Is she comfortable being in isolation with you?
5) How does she respond to your touch?
6) Hand Hold Test – If you lightly squeeze her hand, does she squeeze it back?
7) Whisper test – If you lean in and whisper something into her ear, does she lean in? This simulates a kiss.
8) How does she respond when you enter her personal space? Does she lean in or move away?
9) Dancing – Very easy to tell because it often simulates sex and allows you to get close/touch. Does she square off her hips toward you? Does she make eye contact? As you close the gap between your lips does she move in or pull away?
10) Any other situation where physical touch is mandatory or created… does she move toward or away from that situation with you? Examples are games like Spin-The-Bottle, Truth or Dare, riding motorcycles or jet-skis together.
Notice that 9 out of 10 of these tests are physical, not conversational. The only way to learn them is to stumble upon them, emulate another guy or study this stuff. It’s kinda puzzling that our culture thinks that studying attraction is strange, but oh well, that’s a totally different conversation.
Girls that are more comfortable with their sexuality will respond more overtly to your tests of attraction. Either positive or negative. If she doesn’t give you much information either way, you can test more aggressively or conclude that she is very shy and give up.
Peoples actions and sexual openness is highly correlated with the behavior and attitude of the group or in a venue. If everyone is hooking up, we will feel more comfortable to do the same. If very few are they will be less inclined to do so out of fear of looking low value and cheap/easy/etc… Think sex party versus church mixer. You can test a bit more aggressively in the former. lol
Often times, I’ll invite guys to come on party trips with me for model photo shoots. When it’s their first time, they often feel like a fish out of water. Imagine its you, a few other guys and 3x the number of models. The number one mistake every guys makes is attempting to hit on everyone by engaging them in conversation and exchange biographical information. This is a tragic mistake because the ratio will do all the work for you.
A much better course of action is to look for ways you can add value to the group. Every group values leaders and decision makers. If you are clueless, then be the “mysterious guy” and wait for girls to initiate interactions with you.
In environments where the ratio is 50/50 or against you, the opposite strategy is the most effective. You need to take risks and initiate interactions with women because there is no need for them to come to you if they are getting tons of attention elsewhere. Start as many conversations as possible and weave in the physical tests throughout. Daygame is the most abundant and efficient option for this in most cities.
You always want to look for ways you can demonstrate value and stand out amongst the competition. If your competition is a group of ass kissing nice guys, doing everything for the girls all the time, you’ll gain value by not doing those things and attempting to make the girls work for you. If all the other guys are already doing this, you might gain value by leading and supporting the girls. Go against the pack in essence to stand out from it.
3. Navigating the subtle mating dance.
Once you’ve tested for attraction and gotten a positive response, you’ll feel a lot more confident about making a move. As you get more and more comfortable with this process, it creates a self-fulfilling prophecy. Confidence will be the result.
Here are some guidelines for push/pull and what to expect:
Start with tests 1-5. If she’s asking you personal questions, initiating touch with you, and reciprocating touch, she is very likely attracted to you, and as time passes, attraction will increase as you both become more comfortable and connected to each other.
From there you can use tests 6-8. If you pass these she is ready to be kissed.
Steps 9 & 10 – These are great because they can occur at any stage of the interaction and you can create them to expedite the process. Remember, dancing was my only move back in the day, and the only thing that ever worked because I was so clue-less. The better dancer you are, the better the results. My first ever kiss was in a game of Spin-The-Bottle. I think my next was a result of Truth-Or-Dare. Now, I’m the self proclaimed worlds greatest party host. I can always tell who is attracted to who and I expedite the process for them by getting everyone to play and making sure the right people end up in the right situations.
Once you’ve kissed her, the cat is out of the bag. The relationship immediately and magically is established on a romantic level. I don’t care how many amazing conversations you’ve had, if she cuddles with you every night and walks with you hand and hand. If she hasn’t kissed you, you can’t conclude how she feels about you. No exceptions. This is where guys will torment themselves for years in the friend zone.
Escalating from kissing to sex is easier for most guys because the anxiety of not knowing “if she likes me” is gone. Some girls are ready to get naked from the get go and others need more time to feel comfortable. On the other hand, most guys are instantly ready for action.
My best advice is to chill out and don’t push too hard. The sex will be better when you both are really craving it. If you push, you might get it faster, but she may also get buyers remorse, which means, that will likely be the only time sex happens. That really sucks because sex will almost always get better the more times you have it with someone.