Inner Game Archives - Page 6 of 6

Being Objective About Emotions

When making decisions, whether they’re major life decisions or day-to-day choices, one of the most important concepts is to be objective: to take in all of the relevant data, determine the possible outcomes, and choose the best choice based on the constraints.

When doing this, emotions will f*ck you up. What stops people from reaching their goals nine times out of ten? Acting on short-term emotions instead of doing what they KNOW they need to do. Most people don’t come anywhere close to viewing their emotions objectively. What separates winners and losers is that winners are able to take action based on their goals and the things they desire in their life, while losers allow their feelings to get in the way. Excuses are based on emotions, not on rational logic.

But wait, emotions are subjective experiences. So how is it possible to be objective about emotions? Fortunately, humans are irrational in predictable ways, which means that there are proven psychological methods to being objective when making decisions, and not letting emotions get in the way.

Here are some strategies of dealing with emotions that are backed up by actual science:

1. Labeling emotions
“Right now I’m feeling social anxiety so I don’t want to approach that girl”
“I’m feeling fatigue so I don’t want to go to the gym”
“I’m feeling embarrassed because that girl rejected me”

Negative emotions are a part of life. Having the emotion isn’t the problem; what matters is how you act on it. Instead of looking at the world through the lens of the emotion, look at the emotion itself. This means having the self-awareness of recognizing how you are feeling and how it is likely to make you behave. Labeling an emotion stops you from choosing a self-defeating action.

2. What is my mind telling me?
“My mind is saying this workout is too hard”
“My mind is telling me not to hit on that girl”
“My mind is telling me I want McDonald’s”

This is based on a psychological technique called defusion, which gives you mental space from brain chatter. It’s similar to labeling emotions, but instead of targeting the negative feeling, it gets at the thought behind the feeling. Remember, all that matters is your actions, not your thoughts. For this reason, this strategy is effective because it allows you to consciously control your behavior instead of letting unconscious thoughts dictate your actions.

3. Deep breathing
Sure, this might seem cliche and we’ve all been told to take a deep breath before, but knowing the science behind deep breathing can turn it from being a useless technique we skip to an actual way to regulate emotions.

Our nervous system has two parts that play a major role in the body’s experience of emotions: the sympathetic nervous system and the parasympathetic nervous system. When you feel negative emotions like anxiety and stress, the sympathetic nervous system gets activated. This is the “fight or flight” response that a lot of people know about. What fewer people know, is that deep breathing taps directly into the parasympathetic nervous system, which counteracts the nervous system. The parasympathetic nervous system is activated when we’re resting, and also after eating and during sexual arousal. It’s impossible for both systems to be active at once, so deep breathing literally forces the sympathetic nervous system to slow down. This stops the uncomfortable fight or flight reaction most people get in stressful situations.

4. Getting advice
It’s important when getting advice from other people to ask not what they think you SHOULD do, but what they HAVE done that was successful. Even experts are bad at predicting human behavior, and so it’s important to focus on past proven results rather than unknown outcomes. So next time you ask someone for advice on how to make a decision, ask them what other people who have been successful in the past have done, instead of what they think you should do. Getting advice also helps you see how your emotions are fucking you up, because other people don’t have the biases that you are blind to when you’re invested in a decision.

5. 10/10/10
How will you feel about your decision 10 minutes from now?
How will you feel about your decision 10 months from now?
How will you feel about your decision 10 months from now?

Emotions are short-term physiological responses. Biologically, they are supposed to help us react to information in our environment, but in the modern world, they get triggered by thoughts and imagined scenarios as strongly as the actual situations we encounter. What’s the antidote for this? Countering the emotional short-term thinking with rational long-term thinking.

Objectively, we often know the right decision to male, but the short-term discomfort gets in the way. You can overcome this tendency by giving yourself some perspective on the decision. Ask yourself how you will think about the decision in 10 minutes, months, and years. This will shift your perspective to a more objective view of the situation based on logical reasoning rather than emotion.

Try any or all of these techniques to help you operate more efficiently in your decision making and the way you handle emotions.

Cheers,

Tyler

8 Differences Between Winners and Losers

by Robbie Leave a Comment

Through the years I have compiled a subconscious list of things that winners do and losers do: word choice, behavior, etc.

A lot of this will be anecdotal evidence, but that’s good enough for me.

A client of ours said earlier, “I need a game plan” or something like that. 100% of my broke friends say things like that.

“I think (but can’t prove) I need a plan” is an excuse to not do anything. You get to feel okay about yourself masturbating and sitting on your lazy ass 24 hours a day getting nothing done cause you don’t have a plan, cause boy oh boy once you have that magical plan you gonna tear it up big-time!

Jump off a bridge.

Go hit on every girl you see and read everything that’s been suggested – there is a PLAN. The rest will come later.

Fred Deluca (founder of Subway) wrote Ready, Fire, Aim, which is sorta the way Silicon Valley works now. If you walk into a VC’s office, an angel investor, or you want to bring a partner on board and you ramble about your “plans,” you are going to get laughed at. Everyone understands – just get SOMETHING out, see what people say/do, then start making changes/improvements.

More importantly, as to the “I need a plan” claim: ZERO POINT ZERO of my successful friends say this, EVER.

If anyone here feels like they’d do better in life with a plan, fine, here is your plan: Hit on 20 girls per week next 10 weeks. Watch every single This Week in Startups with Jason Calcanus, get a six-pack. Spend 10 hours a week learning about fashion. This PLAN alone will greatly impact your professional/financial/social/love life.

We hear the words “winners” and “losers” and don’t pay much attention to them because they sound very generic, silly words. I really like them and think they don’t get enough credit. Most decisions we make, even things we do that we don’t realize are decisions, lead towards a win or a loss.

Losers frequently make decisions that head down the loss path, and winners frequently makes decisions that head down the win path.

Here is a silly example: You own a start-up; you are growing rapidly and have serious deadlines over the next few weeks. You know that you will be taking Friday to Sunday off because it’s your birthday. You are presented with an opportunity to go to Disneylnad on a Monday. Keep in mind that there is a great saying: “If you want to accomplish something, set a goal and give yourself not enough time.”

Deadlines force teams to BANG hard and crank work. It kills distractions; it makes for productive ecosystems. Anyhow, back to Disneyland. A winner sees a path towards a win, and going to Disneyland on a weekday, when you’ve taken days off and will have days off coming up, is not a path towards a win.

You are probably saying to yourself, “Duh.” Well, forget you, because 99% of guys do this and worse. The fact is, almost every single one of you has met a girl, gotten love and not gotten her number “’cause she doesn’t live around here.”

WHAT THE %#@$?

How is that a path to a win? LOSER.

You will never be in her city, ever? She will never be in your city again? You will never be in the same place? You know for a fact she has no hot friends that will be visiting? How ’bout this one: I visit her city and you can now set me up with her to show me around and earn imaginary points from me. DONT BE A LOSER.

Losers refuse to take winning paths.

Next, another dude asked, “Does this mean having an open mind?” when I was talking about the importance of being objective, how this has been key contributor to my success.

In my experience, educated and successful people say the word “objective” three times a day or more. In my experience, broke hippie bums say “open-minded” 20 times a day. “Open-minded” is a pedestrian way of speaking.

“I need to get out of my head.” I dunno what that means, but shut up. You sound like a little wuss, and NO ONE wants to hang out with someone who says stuff like that. 100% of the people I’ve known that have said that are ding-dongs.

Winners don’t say those things. I’ve never hear someone that I respect say that stupid line.

Turn off brain chatter. Plug ahead and get it done, invest in yourself, hit on girls.

You probably have tons of brain chatter because you don’t have anything going on. You have all the free time in the world to have elaborate conversations with yourself. Even if the brain chatter won’t stop, shut up and keep that to yourself and your therapist. No one in the real world has time for your brain chatter. Focus on finding paths that lead to a win.

If She Could Only See Me for the Great Guy I Am

by Robbie Leave a Comment

I know a lot of very wealthy, very successful, socially untrained men. Every single one of them is unhappy/feels like he’s missing something important in life.

In my experience, most men think they will be at a park one day and a conversation will magically happen with a gorgeous girl who is sweet, nice, educated and sees you for all your amazing non-shallow qualities. You will have true love and happiness forever. It does not work that way. This girl is attracted to confidence, leadership, and she will not see through to your amazing non-shallow qualities. Also, she has 400 guys hitting on her every day. Good luck with this fantasy.

Secondly, in my experience, most guys underestimate the value of immersion. They are waiting for some imaginary day to start doing something about it.

Last, a great education costs $100,000 plus an opportunity cost plus 5-8 years of hard studying that gets you an income which results in a particular happiness. Nothing in your lifetime will compare to the happiness of falling in love with an amazing girl. That stuff is crack cocaine times 10.

Moral: immerse now. There is no fantasy waiting for you. Dedicate yourself. Mathematically speaking, this is a less costly and time-consuming investment relative to happiness with a greater return vs. a college education. Get on this stuff.

Kill Your Approach Anxiety and Meet More Women

by Robbie Leave a Comment

Who thinks it’s a coincidence that the guys who improve the fastest with women are approaching the most?

If you say, “Yeah, coincidence”… Immediate punch in face!!

I’ve now been coaching guys in this field for a decade. Every dude out there complains about approach anxiety: “I don’t know what to say,” “I’ll do it later.” Excuse, excuse, excuse.

I was introduced to PUA shortcuts via The Game in February of 2006. I finished the book in a day and went out that night to a bar in Mission Beach called the Beachcomber. It never even crossed my mind whether or not I was gonna approach. I knew I was going to do it because I had just invested 12 hours reading a giant manual on how to pick up chicks.

What kind of loser invests time in something only to stand around and not do it?

I didn’t know what the heck I was doing; all I knew is that one of the lines in The Game made me laugh, so I tried it. I walked up to a smoke piece and said, “Hey, you kinda look like Minnie Mouse.” We were hooking up 30 minutes later.

At the time I thought, “This is so easy.” I didn’t realize it was 95% luck- she had just broken up with her boyfriend, her friend encouraged her to hook up, and I walked into a layup. Reality set in over the next 2 months, when I did on average of 5 approaches per night, going out every night and didn’t hook up with a single girl.

I was going about this all wrong and subscribing to ridiculous PUA advice that made me look like a total idiot, but I was still smashing reps and learning through trial and error.

It took me YEARS to figure out the “Hook and Swoop” by having hundreds of girls blow past me when I tried to stop them. It took me years to stop using stupid, boring openers like “Hi, I saw you and I had to come tell you I think you’re really cute.” I’ve probably been told “Aww, that’s sweet but I have a boyfriend” 3,000 times.

NO EXAGGERATION!

When I first met Justin, we talked for hours every day over the phone about approaching girls. He always had the most hilarious lines, and every day during my lunch break, I would leave my miserable office job and hit on girls at the UTC La Jolla mall.

While practicing day game, I saw a girl walk into Rubio’s one day, didn’t feel like embarrassing myself inside, so I wrote this note on the back of my business card and left it on her windshield. “Not to be that guy to hit on you by leaving you a business card, but yeah, I’m that guy.” She e-mailed me an hour later, and I ended up dating her. I used “Not to be that guy” a minimum of 1,000 times, I used “Mr. Johnny Greaseball” 500 times, I used “The Director” opener 300 times, and I used “Risk Embarrassing Myself” 200 times in a couple months in New York alone.

Here is what goes through my mind when I see a girl I want to talk to:

She is hot; go hit on her.
I assess the situation: Who she is with, what she is doing, what her mood looks like, how approachable she seems.
My mind starts immediately making excuses: She looks mean, she looks busy, I’ll do it later, I don’t like my outfit today, etc…
I tell myself, “Stop being a bitch; think about how awesome it would be to be with her. Who knows where this relationship will go? It could completely change my life… or I could walk away like a bitch and know 100% that nothing will happen.”
Then I say, “Shut up, idiot,” and I start walking towards her.
Once I’m walking, I know I’ll follow through. Objects in motion stay in motion, and my mind quiets down.
Next thought: “Okay, what am I gonna say? Hmmmm, I could always default to ‘Not to be that guy,’ ‘…risk embarrassing myself,’ or I can be a bit more creative and use the ‘play-by-play'” (NOTE: You might find yourself struggling to use the play-by-play because its hard to be creative when you’re nervous, so make sure you have a stock opener ready to go that makes you feel good. When I think about what I’m gonna say to her, it always makes me smile and laugh on the inside, and those feelings get transmitted to her and it makes me 100 times more likeable. If I walk over thinking, “This isn’t gonna work,” she sees a nervous idiot and the line always comes out flat.) I know every time I can deliver “Not to be that guy.” I’ve found that when I walk over already laughing to myself about the ridiculous stuff I’m about to say, I crush it.
As I’m getting closer, I know I have to commit to the approach: “Don’t be a wuss. Get in her way, be loud, be dominant, be fun, and don’t let her just walk by.” I can’t control if she likes me, but I can 100% control my effort. I know that if I commit and get rejected, at least I gave it my best. I also know that if I don’t commit, I will surely get rejected and I’ll also beat myself up for not committing. Doing anything but completely committing is stupid, yet I see 99.9% of guys do this on every single approach until I yell and scream at them enough.
Deliver.

It’s MIND-BOGGLING to me how guys do these things:

They don’t approach– how the heck are you gonna improve if you don’t practice?! This is a sport. You must get off the bench and play.
We’re out doing day game and they say, “Yeah, I know the hook and swoop,” and then they do something completely different. It’s not that hard. You run 10 feet past, you hook and swoop around, you get completely in their way, you say, “HEY,” and you point behind. They stop, look at you like “What the heck do you want?” and you deliver the opener. There is only one way. It works. Learn it. Don’t be an idiot and try to reinvent the wheel or be too lazy to figure it out.
They compliment the girl. Good plan: You will hear “I have a boyfriend” 99 out of 100 times unless you look like Brad Pitt.
They hesitate and give excuses. You’re paying good money to learn this stuff, and you’re gonna waste time giving me your excuses and trying to convince me why you shouldn’t talk to her. You could just pay me to smack you; that would be much more efficient – I won’t waste my time, and you’ll feel like a wuss instantly.
Complain about how they don’t get results when they’ve only tried this a handful of times. How many golf balls are you gonna have to hit before you hit a 250-yard drive? How many tennis serves are you gonna have to hit before you can consistently hit the ball in play? How many free throws are you gonna have to shoot to consistently knock down 80%? How many punches are you gonna have to throw until you can deliver a knockout? “I did 10 approaches this week and I didn’t even get a number, boo-hoo.” I did 10 approaches every week for 3 years and averaged less than 1 number per 10.

Approaching women is probably my single most leverage-able skill in life. I can go anywhere in the world, walk around for free and create fun and opportunities for myself. I can use the women I meet to meet other cool guys, or I can introduce girls to guys I want to connect with. Every guy is envious of this, and even though they’ll clown you or pretend to be above it, they know they can’t do it and it threatens the heck out of them.

If you want to be a beast with women and you’re not approaching every day, light yourself on fire. 🙂

Why am I struggling with women?

by Robbie Leave a Comment

If everyone likes you, chances are you’re struggling with women.

What if they don’t like me?

What if they think I’m a jerk?

What if I make them angry?

What if they talk trash behind my back?

“I had a realization today,” said Marty, one of my students. “What I realized is that to be successful and confident, not everyone is going to like me…

And if I am pushing myself, I will most likely annoy and piss some people off because they may see me as a jerk, creepy or arrogant.

But I can’t let that affect how I feel about myself.”

Marty had this realization during a particular incident. He started speaking with a woman who worked in a store. He said something that was sexual and direct.

But his confidence didn’t have the intended effect. Things got awkward. So he walked out

As he was walking away from the store, he decided, instead of just leaving, that he was going to go back in and talk to her about it.

When he got there, he asked her if she was creeped out. She said that she was and he said, “I’m just being honest” and laughed a bit.

Marty said, “Yeah, sometimes people can be creepy.” She told him that if he wanted to buy something at her store she would talk to him, but otherwise she wasn’t interested in continuing the conversation.

“Well,” he responded, “I just came back to be a man and stand in my embarrassment.” He wished her a good day and left.

Marty felt good about wading into a situation that he knew would be uncomfortable but wasn’t going to hide from it.

It took a lot of courage for Marty to go back into that store and confront the woman.

Anytime we feel embarrassment and shame, it means we are pushing our comfort zone and improving our ability to deal with tough situations.

We all have discomfort we need to face, and this incident, as uncomfortable as it was, was a HUGE step in the right direction for Marty.

Most people hide their true nature and true intentions from others.

So what should we do?

Should we go around speaking our mind, try to fit in and pretend everything is peachy keen or do something in between?

Confident people have the ability to accept and express who they are in each moment.

The truth is, the more confident and successful we become, the less people are going to like us!

Why?

Because most people are not confident or successful and they’re going to be jealous.

So if you’re worried about being liked, GET OVER IT!

You know what woman consistently battles Oprah for the highest ratings on TV?

Judge Judith Sheindlin, a.k.a. Judge Judy.

Judge Judy tells the truth, and she’s not afraid to be who she is or express how she feels.

She wears her emotions on her sleeve and speaks her mind. Okay, she doesn’t speak her mind – she actually SHOUTS her mind!

Judge Judy doesn’t care about people liking her, and after spending 25 years making a tiny salary presiding over family court cases, she was offered her own show in Hollywood.

Now, depending on the ratings, she is the biggest female star on TV.

We can learn a lot from Judge Judy.

She is proof that even if people don’t like us, if we are honest they’ll respect us, and that matters a lot more.

It can be terrifying to tell the truth and get emotionally naked in front of people, especially if we are used to NOT doing it.

Baby steps are the key…

Start to be aware of your emotions running under the surface.

Intuitive people will be able to read you like a book, regardless of the words coming out of your mouth.

Beautiful women are some of the most intuitive people on the planet. If you’re trying to fool them into liking you, the joke’s on you.

Shift your focus.

Find a safe environment to express your emotions without holding back or apologizing for who you are.

I used to think this was “gay” or for hippies.

I didn’t have a masculine role model who could show me how it’s done.

It’s funny, but the more I express myself and allow myself to act out all of those behaviors that most people judge and label as wrong, bad, selfish and evil, the less the behaviors have a hold on me.

Not only that, but speaking about it gives people an access point to connect with me, and it’s a hell of a lot more fun than walking around with a “nice guy” mask on all the time!

The bottom line is this.

If we don’t piss some people off and gather a few haters in the process, we are playing small.

When you have haters, you know you’ve made it!

The Secret Ingredient for Lots of Success with Women

by Robbie Leave a Comment

Back in the day, I was out with a small group of students at a new bar in west L.A.

Prior to going out, we did a bunch of drills to help them get over their approach anxiety and have fun opening conversations. We were using some fairly edgy openers. But all of the guys in attendance had zero approach anxiety by the end of the night, and we all had a great time.

How is it possible to say edgy things and deliver risky openers without worrying about what happens afterward?

A conversation I had with one of my students who is a little older and less comfortable in bar environments really stood out to me. We were talking about the importance of having a group of supportive people to make this process of a lot easier and more fun.

One of the biggest phrases that is tossed around in the Inner Game community is “Learn to not care about the outcome.”

I heard a slew of others presenters speak about this last week at a event where I also spoke. I think this concept is completely bankrupt.

How can you actually not care about the outcome? I guarantee that any man on this planet would rather have a beautiful woman give him a kiss then throw a drink in his face after he approached her.

If you engage in an activity, you by default care about the outcome; otherwise, you wouldn’t do it.

So let’s tweak the phrase a little and call it “Not being outcome-dependent.”

You approach her, she pours a drink on your head – but at the end of the day, you are glad you did it, you learned a ton from the experience, and you are ready to try again. If this is your attitude, you will continue to improve, regardless of the outcome of your interactions.

When I look back on my progress, I remember a very distinct three-month period where I improved dramatically. During those three months, I went out with a great group of guys (and sometimes girls) on a weekly basis and we pushed the heck out of our comfort zones in a fun way.

We challenged each other to do crazy stuff and no matter what came of it, we always found a way to laugh and have fun with the process.

If you want to develop social skills and learn to stop being outcome-dependent, having a support group is the best way.

If you don’t have a really good support group, finding one should be your number one priority if you want to improve this area of your life.

Don’t Make the Mistake of Setting the Wrong Goals

by Robbie Leave a Comment

Have you ever gone out to a bar with the goal of getting a phone number, getting a kiss, getting some action or having great interactions?

If your answer is “no,” then I know you’re a liar! We’ve all been there and you may be wondering, “What’s wrong with doing that?”

When we set a goal and it doesn’t happen, most of us beat ourselves up and decide to try harder next time.

Next time rolls around and since we have decided to try harder, now we’re gonna make the goal even tougher and push ourselves even more.

It doesn’t happen, and we beat ourselves up again.

The problem is not that we suck; the problem is that our goals suck!

Key Point: Your goals must be measurable, and they must be achievable with certainty.

You can approach every woman in the bar or the party, but you can’t set the goal to get a date because you can’t force someone to say yes. This goal is measurable because ‘every woman in the bar’ is measurable, but it’s not achievable with certainty.

You can set the goal to ask five women for dates because you can control it. All you have to do is ask.

When you set your goals on things you can’t control, you set yourself up for failure because you’re leaving your success up to chance.

This is a major mistake guys make that crushes their inner game because it turns into a vicious circle.

You go out to get results, and you don’t get them because you can’t control them. Then you beat yourself up and decide that next time you’re gonna try harder.

Pretty soon you’re having no fun, getting no results, and your confidence starts getting worse.

We continue this pattern for a few weeks, months, maybe even years and eventually, we just can’t take the failure anymore, so we give up and quit.

We can’t control whether or not a woman is gonna give us her number or say yes to a date.

We can’t control if she’s gonna kiss us, and we can’t force an interaction to be good.

Why? Because it takes two to tango.

Here is my goal-setting process:

Ask yourself what you want.
See if it’s measurable.
Determine how realistic it is.
Make sure it involves fun.
Make sure it pushes your comfort zone a little but not too much.

Example:

I want to go out and talk to women.
Oops, that is not measurable; let’s say five women.
Is it realistic? Last night I went out and talked to one; five might be too many. Let’s say two instead.
Is it gonna be fun? It will be fun if they are friendly. Wait, I can’t control if they’re going to be friendly, so that’s a bad goal. What do I want instead? I want to talk to two women, and I want them to like me. I can’t control that either, but I think I’ll feel better if I am honest about that. Okay, so I’m going to approach two women and tell them that I want them to like me. Okay, that sounds like fun!
Actually, I think two women is slightly too easy; let’s make it three women.

So I went out, approached three groups of women by walking over and saying, “Hey, I don’t know what to say to you, but I want you to like me.”

The first group busted up and said, “HAHA, that is the most honest thing I’ve heard tonight!”

The next group looked at me like I was retarded, and the last group loved me and we talked for 15 minutes.

Are you seeing how it works?

Set yourself up for success rather than failure. If you can control your destiny, you can’t lose.

You simply set a goal, and you go out and make it happen. Nothing builds success more than taking action, getting results, feeling more confident and then repeating the pattern.

It all starts with the goals you set.