Blog Archives - Page 2 of 23 - Inner Confidence

How do I dress well without going broke?

Style can be a painfully annoying topic to grasp. Most guys neglect it altogether and look terrible as a result, sporting combinations like running shoes and jeans that are sure to turn off any woman. The ones who get it know that it’s important, if for no other reason than because women pay attention to your clothes.

Buying new clothes usually sucks too. We forget our sizes, we don’t know how things are supposed to fit, and we can never figure out what matches or looks good.

When Inner Confidence’s resident stylist mentions the concept of body shape and color analysis to students, the majority instantly assume that these are the types of things that only women have to worry about. Women have a ton of body shapes and different styles of clothes, but guys don’t, so why does it matter?

It’s true that this level of detail doesn’t matter as much for men as it does for women. But like women, men can dress to suit their shape, skin tone, hair and even to highlight eye color. There are a ton of subtle tricks you can use to design a great wardrobe one time and never worry about it again. For example, if you have blue eyes, get a baby blue shirt, and you’ll keep getting compliments on your eyes.

It’s not only the latest trends and styles that you should be thinking about. In fact, you’ll be safe if you don’t pay any attention to fashion. When men’s fashion magazines cover fashion trends (even the more mainstream outlets like GQ or Details), they’re showing you clothing designed by gay males that’s supposed to appeal to other gay males. Ignore trends and focus on the classic elements of style.

The entire process should be personally tailored to your body, shape and personal style. What if there as an easy way to get the details right?

My favorite tool for selecting clothes that look good is the Style Pyramid.

It’s a simple three-step rubric: Fit, Fabric, and Style. A piece of clothing that doesn’t meet all three criteria is a piece of clothing you’re better off not wearing.

Fit sits at the top of the pyramid. Everything else comes from it. If a garment doesn’t fit well, none of its other characteristics matter — it’s not going to look good on you. Fit should always be your first stopping point when you consider a purchase.
Fabric is key in determining the quality of a piece of clothing. If you’re not satisfied with the raw material, you’re not going to be all that satisfied with the finished product. It’s less of an absolute barrier than fit — you can have many degrees of quality, whereas fit mostly breaks down into “good” and “bad.” That said, fabric is still a crucial consideration.
Style is about your own personal taste and the image you want to present. If something fits and is well made, but doesn’t give you the look you want, it’s still not a good purchase.

Work your way through the pyramid in this order when you’re thinking about buying clothes. If something doesn’t fit, stop there. If it fits, but it seems cheaply made, skip it. And if it fits and is of good quality, but doesn’t feel right for your style, wait for something more suited to your tastes.

When all three intersect — then it’s time to buy.

From here, you can add your spin on things. I’m constantly traveling, so like Robbie, I prefer a minimalist wardrobes of all greys and blacks. My approach is even more minimalist than Robbie. I just have 4 shirts I rotate through, and one pair of classic black jeans. Everything I own is high quality according to the style pyramid, and I only need to buy new clothes to replace something when it wears out.

The result is that my fashion is solved, and I never have to think about it again. After buying each piece the first time, I don’t spend any more money on it. By ensuring that everything I own fits me perfectly and will last at least a year, I can have a killer wardrobe without going broke.

The 6 Biggest Mistakes To Avoid

by Robbie 1 Comment

In my early 20s I sucked with women. I was fat. I wasn’t making any money. I didn’t know how to dress.

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No wonder I couldn’t get dates.

I wanted to change everything at once. I didn’t know what to do.

Things are different now. I date hot women. I choose what kind of relationships I want. I’m in shape. All of the problems of the typical American dude are solved in my life. I never have to settle.

castle

I don’t feel guilty bragging about my lifestyle because I hustled my ass off to get here.

So how did I get here?

I got here because I failed. A lot. I’ve made the same mistakes everyone has. But every time I fell down, I got back up again. I refused to stay down. I learned from my mistakes. Eventually I stopped making them.

I wasn’t naturally good with women, so I’ve lived the same journey you’re on. If you aren’t satisfied with your dating life yet, it’s likely that you’re making the same mistakes I was making. Here are the most common ones:

1. You love being comfortable.

Everyone understands that experiencing muscle strain is mandatory for bodybuilding. It’s painful. It hurts. But it’s a sign of progress and no one runs from it.

Unfortunately, everyone forgets this in others area of life, so they avoid discomfort and they keep struggling.

It’s not your fault. I love being comfortable too. Consumer society bombards us with advertising for products that remove any possible form of discomfort. Don’t like walking? Grab an Uber. Don’t feel like cooking? Go to McDonald’s. Feel bad about yourself? Buy a new Lexus.

I love being comfortable, but I won’t allow it anymore. To get good at anything, you have to embrace discomfort. Get HUNGRY for the strain that comes with leaving your comfort zone.

One of my personal favorite expressions comes from the military: “embrace the suck.”

With weightlifting, the suck is physical. With approaching women, it’s psychological. Embrace that shit. If you’re uncomfortable it means you’re growing. If you feel comfortable you should be afraid, because that means things in your life aren’t going to change.

People just don’t want to tolerate discomfort, even if it comes with a guarantee that the pain will be temporary. They trade short-term comfort for long-term misery. Separate yourself from the losers by embracing the suck.

Making excuses is a normal function of the mind. But don’t let excuses keep you in your comfort zone. A common misconception is that you need to be confident and overcome your excuses before you can face rejection or discomfort, but that’s actually backwards. First you do the thing outside your comfort zone, then you gain the confidence. This is because confidence is based on demonstrated performance.

Let’s get specific. When you’re uncomfortable, ask yourself: “What sensations am I experiencing right now?”

When I’m about to make a difficult approach, my heart races. Sometimes my throat gets dry or my hands get sweaty. I ask myself, Are you willing to feel a racing heart and sweaty palms for a couple minutes in order to get better at talking to girls?

That’s an easy YES. If you’re like me, you’d rather experience a racing heartbeat and sweaty palms every day than spend a lifetime watching porn and playing video games.

Keep embracing the suck every single day, and one day you’ll wake up and realize that things don’t suck anymore. It worked for me.

2. You’re obsessing over the outcome and ignoring the process.

Research has shown that top athletes have one factor in common: a growth mindset.

The goal of a growth mindset is to “get better.” In contrast, we have the fixed mindset, with the goal “be good.” When they’re facing a challenge, beginners often want to “be good,” coming at it with the mindset of worrying about how well they’ll perform. Their ego hurts their ability to learn.

There’s a great idea from Carlos Gracie Sr., one of the primary developers of modern Brazilian jiu-jitsu: “There is no losing in jiu-jitsu. You either win or you learn.”

I challenge you to approach with the goal of getting better. Forget being good. Everything you do provides feedback. Every approach puts you one step closer to becoming a social beast. Every rejection is a chance to laugh at yourself. Every time you feel discomfort, you make it 1% easier the next time you’re in that situation.

Focus more attention on the process than the results. Making an approach is something you have control over; getting a number is not. So instead of considering an approach a victory if you GET a number, count it as a win if you ASK for a number, regardless of what happens.

When you learn to love the process, the satisfaction and inspiration that come with going after your goals are more rewarding than actually achieving them. This is why top performers are able to easily bounce back from failure.

Guys who obsess over the outcome and ignore the progress typically aren’t approaching consistently, so they’re not seeing results. Because they aren’t seeing results, they don’t have the motivation to keep approaching. Which brings me to my next point…

3. You’re relying on motivation.

That lack of success/lack of motivation vicious cycle we just reviewed creates nothing but frustration, disappointment, and desperation.

99% of the time the solution is to approach more and fight through the suck. But I’ve been there and I know what it’s like: in the moment, that’s difficult.

Our egos are sensitive to change, especially major changes. No matter how motivated we feel, our brains will subconsciously resist any life changes we attempt. This is why people so often feel like they sabotage themselves and give up on their goals.

Let’s revisit the bodybuilding example. The most important part of bodybuilding is showing up at the gym, over and over. Major positive life change occurs as a series of tiny changes fueled by effective habits, not from a giant burst of motivation. Consistency beats motivation every time.

4. You haven’t changed your environment.

I’m an unhealthy food and leftovers addict. If there are leftovers in my fridge, I will eat them every time. If my Chipotle burrito falls on the floor, I’ll still eat it. What can I say, I’m still a fat kid at heart.

So when I do have an occasional cheat day (which my diet allows), I’ve learned that I must throw my leftovers away before I go to bed. I don’t rely on willpower, because it will fail every time. I design my environment to make success automatic. I remove thinking from the equation.

It’s the same with dating. You’ll succeed if you create an environment that makes progress inevitable.

Live somewhere where there are women around. Hang out with other guys who are good with women. Go out all the time. Get a second job in retail or bartending.

Guys have no problems moving to a different city for their career, but are rarely willing to move to a better market for meeting women. That’s despite the fact that the decision of who to marry is the single greatest factor for your overall happiness. It just doesn’t make sense to me. Shape your environment and you’ll get what you want.

5. You’re starting too big.

Our society teaches us to view life improvement in black and white, all or nothing. Either I’m going to stick perfectly to my new diet, or it’s not worth trying. Either I’m going to run 5 miles every day before work, or I’m going to stay on the couch. Either I’ll approach 100 women this month, or I won’t approach any. People view anything short of radical life change in every domain as a failure.

If you can relate to this, it means you have unrealistic fantasies about building habits. In reality, we improve our lives by making tiny changes consistently, not by drastically changing overnight. That’s why New Year’s Resolutions fail.

The way around this is to take small action steps that slip past the part of our mind that resists change. Do one pushup. Floss one tooth. Approach one girl. The funny thing is that when you have these small habits in place, they naturally sustain themselves and grow. Our brain gets used to doing a single pushup, so doing two becomes no problem. Flossing one tooth seems silly so you automatically start to floss more. Approaching one girl becomes natural, so you start to do more approaches without realizing it.

For success, momentum is more important than motivation. I’ll repeat myself: the most important part of bodybuilding is showing up at the gym, over and over.

Let’s take my example of flossing. For most of my life I hated flossing so I didn’t do it. A week before my dentist appointments I would start flossing. But it was too little too late: I’d get yelled at for not flossing my teeth, so I’d start again. That would last for about a week and I’d stop again.

But now I floss my teeth every night. It’s actually my favorite part of getting ready for bed. How did I do this? I started flossing one tooth per night. You read that right, just one tooth. You establish the habit small with one tooth, then the momentum builds up and flossing more teeth becomes automatic. Before you know it you’re flossing your whole mouth without even realizing it.

Stanford professor BJ Fogg talks about the power of flossing one tooth in his excellent TED Talk, Forget big change, start with a tiny habit.

6. You don’t have accountability.

You’re never going to improve without accountability. Create a challenge for yourself and talk about it with people who can hold you to it. Set a consequence for failure, like paying $1000 if you don’t complete 7 approaches in next week. Report daily on your progress. Ask you friends not to let you off the hook if you stop making effort.

This is the same method I used to lose 55 pounds in 2011. It’s what I use with my students to get them results: I put them on approach bets where they put a serious amount of money on the line. Guess what? Approach anxiety is no longer a problem. They embrace the suck and get it done. One of my students even dated the first girl he met on an approach bet for a couple years.

It’s tough to focus on getting better instead of being good when you have no one there to

laugh at your failures with you and make sure you keep showing up. My skills with women improved rapidly when I was younger because I had mentors who would not tolerate mediocrity or laziness. We had a team mentality that turned getting rejection into something a fun sign of growth rather than something to be avoided.

Putting it all together

By this point we’ve seen that success doesn’t happen in huge leaps. It occurs in small increments. We don’t go to bed unhappy one night then magically wake up and say “I’m different now, I made it today!” When we create the right small habits, we slowly become successful over time.

Our society loves the fantasy of the “overnight success.” But real overnight successes take years of hustling, and it’s a long, tedious process.

If I had to pick just one of these as the most important, it’s the final one: accountability. Even if you mess up the first six principles on this list, having accountability forces you to succeed. That’s why I’ve designed this element into the Leverage Program.

Our measuring stick, curriculum path, and end goal is what I call the Inner Confidence Belt System. Super creatively, the end game is to be a black belt. Equally creatively, the starting block is white belt.

Each belt level has accountability built in. From day one, you’ll be paired up with an experienced mentor. We’ll use approach bets to remove approach anxiety from the equation.

It’s so easy to claim we want to approach more beautiful women…we want to learn from successful mentors…we want to live a life where we can choose what kind of relationships we want. Even the most self-aware guys can SAY that.

But what are you doing about it?

I force my students to succeed, because if they don’t then that means I’ve fail as a coach, and I feel like a loser when I fail. That looks different for every guy. For newer students it’s often approach bets, accountability coaching calls, and some other tricks I have up my sleeve. For other students, it’s more hanging out with other guys in the group and getting coaching in person.

Here’s an example from Joel, a student who’s become an approach beast since joining Leverage:

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Try out Leverage and use my proven accountability system to make sure you start approaching more. I’m here to help, and I’ve been coaching guys professionally for a decade. I’m not going anywhere and I won’t let you settle. Even if that means you give it your best effort, find that it isn’t for you, and leave within the first 30 days for a full refund.

The Unspoken Rules of Bottle Service

by Robbie Leave a Comment

bottle There’s an art to having a great night out when you’re doing bottle service. If you aren’t a bottle service regular, you’re stepping into a world with tons of unwritten rules and norms that you need to follow in order to look like a socially competent guy. Successful men and attractive women understand this stuff subconsciously and will determine if you’re one of the “cool kids” by whether or not you know how to conduct yourself at a table.

Until now, these rules have been kept secret. Let’s get started!

Males split the bill. If the bill is $800 then 10 guys pay $80 each. Women never pay, ever.
Pay your share. No excuses, no nothing. “I got there late.” “I bought some drinks at the bar.” “I came with a girl.” “I told you I’m broke.” “I brought all the girls.” Everyone wants to skip out on their share. Just be a man and pay your damn share of the table. Be a man, pay your fucking way.
Don’t cheap out on the table and pay $1,500 for the shitty table when a better table is $2,000. You’ll end up spending more than the minimum anyway, but ending up with worse real estate.
Tell the people you are rolling with ahead of time what they are expected to pay. It’s uncomfortable to talk about money sometimes, especially if your friends are annoying broke losers. But if you don’t, you’ll end up getting burned for it when they say “I can’t really afford that right now” when the check comes. For example of how to handle this, here is an email I sent regarding a friend’s B-day:
- Hey Ariel,
  We can add you to the table list if you’re willing to throw down for the table/bottle: approx $150 ($200 at the most) Or you can show up before 10:30 and try to get in for free because we can add you to her list. I just can’t guarantee what the bouncers do at the door. Sometimes they will let a bunch of dudes roll in if they’re on the list and other times they will be dicks about it. I’d go the guaranteed route if you don’t want to jeopardize your night.
If someone has a table and you invite a friend who decides after the fact that he doesn’t want to pay, you are responsible for his share. You are responsible for the people you bring, so don’t bring liabilities.
Throw a party, entertain people and pour drinks for girls. Unless you have a target you’re locked in with, don’t pow-wow one-on-one.
When girls walk past your table, reach your hand out in a non-creepy way and pull them to table. It’s that easy.
Every table must have a bottle captain: someone who protects them from dumb girls knocking them over or pouring crazy amounts. Don’t let girls touch the bottle.
Don’t walk around with a bottle. You will look stupid.
Don’t order stupid narrow shit like bourbon. 21-25 year old girls (the majority of girls at a club) don’t drink bourbon. Grey Goose is a good one-size-fits-all option.
Stand up. Don’t be the dumb idiot sitting down because it forces girls to leave. Send girls inwards so they can sit. The only time I’ll sit at the table or booth is if I’ve got my feet on the seat and I’m sitting on the top of the back. This way I’m at eye level with people and easy to talk to.
Don’t ram and jam girls into table conversations. Just drink and fuck around.
Get every number of every girl you meet from minute one, using something like “Hey, in case we lose each other, gimme your number now.” The club can get loud, people get drunk, and it becomes a shitshow so get numbers early on then move along and talk with people.
Do not target your entire $2,000 night on ONE girl from early on. Tables are for building squads. Get 15 numbers, convert 3. Voila- for $300 and one night you have a squad of 3.
Don’t roll with people who get “too drunk.”
Don’t roll with fucking dorks.
Don’t bring a date to bottle service night out unless you are really into her and you believe this is necessary to close the deal.
The first thing you should do when you get your table is pour yourself a drink and then go out and recruit chicks. All but one guy should go on recruiting missions and bring girls back. If you can’t bring back girls who are paying for their own drinks at the bar it’s a sign your game is weak.
In almost every single bottle service situation, physical interaction is the name of the game. The music will be blasting and having conversations isn’t easy. You have a lot more leeway and freedom to touch girls in a more aggressive manner than usual. The second I meet a girl I’ll be touching her on the arm and shoulder to see if she touches me and gives love back. I will hold her hand while leading her back to my table and once there, I’ll have my hand on her waist or hip. If she is willing to square off and face her hips directly at me, she is down to make-out. Don’t wait. You can go for a quick kiss very early in these situations, but the more her friends sees you ferociously making out with her, the more likely they will cock-block you later and the higher chance for buyer’s remorse. Get her chasing you by being the one to always pull away first. These are some of my favorite lines for scooping girls to table. Always be as playful and ridiculous as possible, as long as you’re congruent with it.
- Hey… so me and my buddies drew straws and I lost which makes me the designated guy who’s job is to recruit girls back to our table for the night. You have two options, either come have a drink with us or feel incredibly guilty when I get fired 🙂
- Hey guys, I have an amazing pickup line to convince you to come have a drink with me at our table, this shit is hilarious you are gonna die, are you ready……….. fuck, I completely forgot, you would have loved it though I SWEAR. Ok drink time, let’s go (grab one of their hands and walk them back)
- Hey you guys are coming to my table for a drink, let’s go.
- Hey not to be that guy who lures poor innocent girls to his table with the promise of alcohol and fun, but, yeah I’m gonna be that guy. Don’t worry, I’m only 95% creepy.
Take care of afterparty logistics beforehand. Every dude you are rolling with should know what the after partyplan is and be responsible for getting every girl at your table back to it. When the lights turn on, don’t stand around at the table until the bouncers kick you out. Grab your girls, throw them in a cab and get the fuck out of there. Hopefully you’ve called an Uber SUV and it’s already waiting for you outside. Out front of any club is hail Mary time. Drunk retards or swimming sharks will show up and try to caveman your girls away from you. It’s basically cock-block central. You need to lead your flock of sheep through the brigade of wolves as fast as possible.
If you’re the life of the party, on the tall side, or you’re grabbing girls walking by your table and super alpha, then no lines are necessary. If you’re at a table in the back of the club and you’re 50 feet away trying to scoop girls at the bar and get them to make the journey back, you’ll have way the most success with a quick attraction-building line, 30 seconds of banter and then dragging them over.
The more people you know or pretend to know the better. And in clubs it’s so easy to pretend you know people.
If you have girls with you then any guy will pretend he knows you even if he doesn’t. You can pull girls from dance floor and pretend you brought them. As long as you have some cute girls with you everyone loves you.

Day game is the best use of your time- Here’s why

by Robbie Leave a Comment

Last night I was discussing my client Cameron’s progress with him. Cameron has dates lined up for the next three nights with girls he met from day gaming. After walking home from the bars, he told me how almost all of his dates come from day gaming: “It’s just so much easier. I get way more love when I approach during the day from hotter girls than I meet at night.”

The reason for this is because the bar scene in LA is really competitive. Dudes here are fucking beasts. This is true everywhere, but even more so in LA. Before I moved away from LA, my game was nowhere as solid as it is now, and I got WAY better results from day gaming. Now I get really solid results at bars. This is because I’ve put in a ton of reps during the day so I’m better than the competition, and I always go out with a squad with awesome wingmen who are beasts.

If your wingman is a schlub, you’re going to get crushed when you approach two girls together. It doesn’t matter if you go in first and they like you; your girl is not going to just sit there while her friend is bored and uncomfortable talking to your zero-ball friend. Hot girls have a “dork forcefield” the same way that successful guys do.

Realize how important this is. The hotter the girls, the less bullshit like this they’ll put up with. If they see you with a guy who appears to be a dork they will turn away from you on the approach.

It doesn’t matter if you’re cool, well-dressed, and in shape. Desirable girls in cities like LA get the gig.

Cameron is going through the same transition that I went through a few years back. He’s using day game to scoop dates with way hotter girls than he could pull at the bars due to the lack of competition. He’s using those dates to build confidence and his harem. In a few months, I would not be surprised at all if the pendulum swings and the bars become more efficient for him.

Don’t waste your time online!

I’ll be the first to tell you that girls from online dating sites and Tinder blow.

Are one or two solid girls? Sure. The problem is that they get 788 messages a minute, so good luck standing out. If you are looking for a hot, cool, professional, mentally healthy companion, you are not going to find that from a dating site or an app. Trust me. If you’re curious, I discuss it more on this podcast episode.

Stop spinning your wheels and set aside time for day game. Treat it the way you treat going to the gym. Gains happen slowly over time when you focus on the process instead of the results.

Even if you’re getting rejected constantly, you improve your mindset by learning from each approach, which is the best way to get super direct feedback on how you’re doing.

To learn the easiest way to make a day game approach, check out this post I wrote here. It’s a lot simpler than what most guys do, and takes out the hardest part of a day approach. I also discuss it on my podcast episode about social media.

The good news about your dating life

by Robbie Leave a Comment

When I was a kid I spent 10 years doing nothing but practicing golf. I was a +2 handicap at one point (2 strokes better than scratch) and an All-American in college. I just thought I was just lucky to find a good coach because I worked with John Anselmo, who taught Tiger Woods from age 12-17. I also thought I was blessed with a natural swing thanks to my ice hockey skillz.

After I discovered The Game in 2006, I figured getting good with women and making crazy money would come easy too. I didn’t realize that I got better at golf by doing NOTHING but practicing and playing EVERY DAY for 10 years.

I was ready to hustle hard, but the more bootcamps I took the worse with women I got. I started doing goofy things like dressing like a weirdo, trying to jam girls into deep conversation and connect with them so hard they would cry. I started listening to stuff like The Secret, going to a million self-help seminars, making vision boards and even going to see psychics and visionaries. If someone was offering a magic pill I bought it.

As you can imagine, I got nowhere. I was trying to optimize everything at once, which meant I was neglecting the fundamentals.

But then I got tired of being overwhelmed by all the contradictory advice out there. Rather than spend endless hours sorting through it to identify the BS versus the stuff that worked, I picked one method and shut out everything else.

At this point I developed several skills that set me apart from other guys. I think the two game-changers were my willingness to do whatever it took to get ahead, and my focus on the fundamentals. I went out at least five nights a week for years, hitting on every single girl I thought was cute. I day gamed constantly.

The number of times I heard “I have a boyfriend” in a single year is higher than the number of times most guys even approach in their lives. By being willing to face rejection thousands and thousands of times, I eventually reached the point where I can attract gorgeous women simply by being myself, and I will never have to settle.

The Good News
So what’s the good news about your dating life? First, let me tell a quick story.

Two guys are walking in a jungle. Suddenly, they see a tiger in the distance chasing after them. But the first guy stops and pulls a pair of running shoes out of his bag.

“What are you doing? You can’t outrun a tiger,” the second guy asks.
“I don’t have to outrun a tiger. I just have to outrun you.”

You’re the first guy. You have running shoes, in the form of the advanced social hacking and dating skills that we discuss on the Leverage Podcast and the blog.

Every other guy is the second one, and he’s going to get eaten by the tiger.

The good news about your dating life is that you don’t have to be perfect to get the results you want.

Ask any woman about her frustrations with dating, and she’ll tell you that most guys are painfully terrible:

They don’t have their basic grooming handled, like shaving, cutting their nails. It’s way more common than you’d expect.
They don’t know how to dress, wearing clothes that don’t fit, or they follow outdated trends that give away the fact they don’t have hot women in their life, otherwise those women would help them dress better.
They compensate for being bland and boring by trying to buy a woman’s affection through gifts and spending money, or they brag about how rich they are.

Keep in mind that dating is a zero-sum game, which means that in order for you to win and get a hot cool girl, other guys have to lose.

But what that means is that you just have to be better than the other guys you’re competing with. You don’t have to be perfect at everything.

Being Dynamic
Author and cartoonist Scott Adams (the creator of Dilbert) describes two paths for attaining extraordinary results:

Become the best at one specific thing.
Become very good (top 25%) at two or more things.

Option 1 requires you to be world-class at one skill, which takes a lifetime to develop. For every Taylor Swift (my not-so-guilty pleasure) there are a million other wannabees who will never get there.

Option 2 is easier by far. I’d even argue that for dating, it’s more effective than Option 1. Being dynamic, or the top 25% in multiple categories, does enough to make up for flaws in other categories.

Real success is about becoming attractive to women, not just learning how to attract women. So if you’re not the richest guy but you’re an amazing chef with impeccable style, most women won’t be thinking about your (lack of) wealth. Or if you’re an amazing conversationalist with a minimalist travel lifestyle, you can get away without having a 6-pack.

A lot of the advice out there is aiming at perfection at the margins, like analyzing what you should say in conversations in rare hypothetical situations (the mistakes I made when I first started improving my dating life). Instead of getting hung up on minutiae, go about improving your dating life like a sport, where you’ll get the quickest gains from getting exceptional at the fundamentals (like what I did with golf):

being in good shape
being a good conversationalist
having a good social circle
traveling
having a solid career
having a good style
knowing how to orchestrate dates

Ignore the tiny, meaningless improvements, like memorizing countless opening lines for hypothetical situations at a nightclub. To take a metaphor from the financial advice space, it’s like focusing on cutting out $3 lattes when you’re neglecting the fact that you could ask your boss for a $5k/year raise or start a side hustle that could earn you hundreds of dollars every month.

Have you ever heard the saying don’t let the perfect be the enemy of the good? Nowhere is this more true than when you’re learning how to be better with women. You don’t have to be perfect. You just have to be exceptional in a few categories and crush your fundamentals.

You Don’t Have To Feel Guilty If You’re Not Attracted To Your Partner 24/7

by Robbie Leave a Comment

“Love is one of the greatest experiences of the human condition. But it’s also a lot of work, and society makes that work tougher than it needs to be.”

Check out the rest of the article on Elite Daily!

The texting mistake most guys make

by Robbie Leave a Comment

cellphone Text game isn’t really an effective strategy to get girls attracted to you. It’s designed for one thing: to get her face to face with you again.

After you met when you got her number either in person or online,she feels some way towards you on. Let’s put it on a scale of 1-10, with 1 being she has no interest and it was a pity number, and 10 being she wants to have your babies.

If she’s not flirty back, doesn’t ask any questions, or doesn’t drive the conversation, then you have to guess she is somewhere between a 3-6. A 1 or 2 wouldn’t respond, would reject you, or be extremely curt. A 7+ would be much more engaging. If she’s between a 3-6, there’s a good possibility she’s talking to a bunch of dudes and you’re not at the top of her list of interest.

Trying to force conversation and humor over text will have the opposite effect many times because you’ll be overgaming which looks needy and try-hard.

The best approach in this situation is to avoid overgaming and gauge her interest based on how she responds to going out with you. If she is a yes, she’s probably a 5-6, and the needle will move favorably when you see her if you don’t suck.

If she isn’t very receptive to the date, she’s a 3-4, and you’re basically dead until your paths cross again randomly or she re-initiates contact. Another approach, which is even stronger but takes tighter game, is to never ask a girl out in the first place who is below a 7 on this scale.

Instead I attempt to stay top of mind via Instagram/Snapchat and see if they engage in a flirty enough way to warrant an invitation. If I feel like they are 6-7 I will invite them to group things. If it’s 7+ I’ll be more inclined to invite them out solo.

Once a girl is investing, your texts don’t have to be super witty and over the top. In fact, once she is attracted to you and considering meeting up, it’s actually disadvantageous to continue joking around.

Meet her where she’s at: mirror her level of investment.

Think of the tone of your texts on a spectrum of cool and casual to over the top witty. Where you are on the scale depends on how the in-person interaction went and how attracted she was. If you had a solid connection in person, it isn’t as necessary to be witty, so you should be more casual and send more vibing texts.

On the other end of the spectrum, if you had a short interaction either at a bar or during a day game approach, you need to sell her on your personality and give her a reason to be interested and wanting to meet up. This is where the wittiness, memes, and entertaining texts are useful. Being needy is a killer, but you need to invest more in this situation.

What does it take to be a man?

by Tyler W Leave a Comment

There’s a lot out there in self-help media for men and popular culture about what it takes to be a man. I have a simple definition for this that I recently heard from an interview with Tucker Max, and I agree 100%.

Reach between your legs. What do you feel?

If you have a dick, you’re a man. It’s that simple.

If anyone gives you a definition that’s more complicated, see if you can identify what their hidden agenda might be. It’s most commonly an attempt to do one of two things:

1. Justify their own insecurities

Self-acceptance is a rare trait because it takes consistent hard work over a long period of time. But who needs genuine confidence when you can instead justify your own insecurities by pushing your own view of the way the world works?

The guy who’s spent his whole life on his career to the neglect of the rest of his life can say “a real man works for himself and doesn’t have a boss” to justify his decisions to himself. Or the guy who spends all his time the gym can say “a real man has abs like Brad Pitt in Fight Club” to hide from the the fact that he has no meaningful relationships. Be careful of this in the dating space and don’t base your image of manhood on what some “pickup guru” tells you.

2. Sell you a product

A common sales technique is to target peoples’ insecurities, accentuate their pain, say that only you have the solution, and get them to buy whatever you’re selling. In modern Western culture, many guys grow up without masculine role models or father figures, so it’s incredibly easy for marketers to take advantage of this phenomenon and use it to sell products. “Don’t feel manly? Well, let me tell you my definition of what a man is. By the way, I have a product that can help you achieve exactly what I’m telling you that you need to achieve.”

Choose Your Own Masculinity

Confidence looks different for everyone based on the combination of their personality traits and life experience. Are you naturally shy? Introverted? Working on your social skills? Recovering from past trauma or negative experiences? Depending on where you’re coming from, your path to success looks different.

That’s why you should make your best effort to avoid comparing your inside to someone else’s outside. Every high achiever has experienced setbacks and challenges that you can’t see just by examining them on the outside. You see yourself at your lowest points, but you only see others based on what they choose to show the world. This is why you need to pay attention to the social media experience you’ve curated for yourself: the people you see on a daily basis influence your self-image.

It’s important to recognize that despite anyone’s (including mine) advice to be internally validated, we’re social creatures with an innate drive to be accepted by our peers. We all still crave external validation to some degree. You can’t shut it off, but what you can do is be conscious of when that process is operating in your mind.

Choose your own version of masculinity that’s effective in your own life. Don’t define your own success by what other people say success means, because you’ll be constantly trying to live up to the expectations of others. You start living by the illusion “When I achieve this goal, then I will be successful.” But what that does is postpone your happiness to some hypothetical future that’s perpetually just around the corner.

Define Your Own Success

A better definition of masculine success is living by your values. This version of success can be instantly achieved by determining the tiniest action that you can perform that’s consistent with your values. If your value is to be a grateful person, you can express your thanks for someone important in your life. If you value is to always push your comfort zone, you can go out and make a day game approach. You’re living by your own definition of success, and it’s instantly achievable.

The best part about the living your values version of success is that you can achieve success even if you don’t feel good, positive, motivated, optimistic, inspired, psyched up, or in the mood. It doesn’t matter what’s going on in your mind. Just take that next positive action and in that moment, you’re successful.

By doing this, you can avoid the trap of the high achiever. High-performing people in any field are often susceptible to fragile self-esteem. This is when they have a strong positive self-image based on how well they’re performing. This is great when they’re doing well, but when setbacks occur, as they inevitably do, their self-esteem comes crashing down as well. They stop seeing themselves as a “winner” and become a “loser”.

Both loneliness and neediness are helped by living your values, especially when your values are centered on meaningful work that impacts the world positively and close relationships. When you’re following your own masculine path, you’re more grounded and don’t crave the approval of women.

Live by your own rules. And choose your rules consciously rather than passively accepting what society, your family, whoever has chosen for you. If you don’t consciously choose your own rules than you’ll be living by someone else’s rules.

Dealing with discomfort

by Tyler W Leave a Comment

What I’m about to say is sad, but not very controversial: most people would experience mild discontent with their situation than face the discomfort that’s necessary for improving their lives.

People just don’t want to tolerate discomfort, even if they have a guarantee it’s temporary.

Getting into shape is a prime example. Unhealthy people tend to know that getting into shape requires eating healthy, and physical exercise. The failure to act isn’t caused by a lack of information. It stems from an unwillingness to feel uncomfortable. Eating healthy is uncomfortable. Working out causes physical pain. Both of these are a struggle, and only when you choose to accept that the process is not going to be comfortable can you get into shape.

Most people make decisions based on how comfortable they think they’ll feel in given situations. This is why most people aren’t satisfied with their lives. Comfort is a terrible metric for pursuing a life of fulfillment.

Making excuses

Originally I intended to write about how you need to stop making excuses, but that’s not even it. The better advice is to stop letting the excuses you make prevent you from taking action.

Making excuses is normal. It’s a function of the human problem-solving mind.

What’s key is taking action despite those excuses. Don’t let excuses keep you in your comfort zone. People often think they need to be confident before they can face rejection or discomfort, but that’s backwards. First you do the thing outside your comfort zone, then you gain the confidence.

Especially when we’re talking about forcing yourself out of your comfort zone to improve your dating life, there is NO reason to hide any part of who you are from the world. You’re not doing anything wrong or shameful and you’re not violating the rights of others. You can make the decision to be completely honest and open with everyone. Vulnerability is tough, but it’s empowering. It’s how we grow. And if others are not upportive of your decision to improve your life, then the only thing they deserve from you is distance.

Get specific about your discomfort

When I advise that you should be willing to be uncomfortable, it might make sense but it’s still an abstract concept. To make it actionable, it’s helpful to put yourself in a difficult situation then ask yourself: “what sensations am I experiencing right now?”

When I feel anxious about approaching a girl, the main thing I feel is a racing heartbeat. Sometimes my throat gets dry and my hands get sweaty. It’s so much easier to approach if I can ask myself “Are you willing to feel a racing heart and sweaty palms for a couple minutes in order to get better talking to girls?” That’s an easy yes. When you can get very specific about what being uncomfortable means to you, it’s way easier to face than a big abstract concept like “approach anxiety.”

Emotional avoidance is an important idea to think about. When we do not want to feel our emotions, we try to push them away. It works in the short term, but emotions are like water in a pipe. You can block the pipe, but the pressure only increases until it eventually bursts.

Clean emotions versus dirty emotions

A great concept from the intersection of mindfulness and psychology is that of clean emotions and dirty emotions. Clean emotions are the feelings that come up for us naturally. Dirty emotions are what we get when you try to fight those clean emotions. The concept borrows from the Buddhist concept that while suffering is optional, pain is an inevitable part of life. In short, as turn our pain into suffering by resisting it, we turn clean emotions into dirty emotions.

For example, if I experience a rough breakup with my girlfriend, it’s natural and normal for me to feel sad. When we experience loss, we grieve the loss with a healthy sense of sadness, a clean emotion. However, if I were to fight that sadness by getting angry I feel sad, or worry about it and cause myself anxiety, that’s turning it into an unhealthy dirty emotion. One definition that distinguishes between sadness and depression is that when we fight feelings of sadness we become depressed. Depression is sadness plus avoidance.

An example from dating: it’s normal to feel fear when you’re approaching an attractive woman, but when you tell yourself that you shouldn’t feel that fear, it multiplies it.

Instead of classifying emotions as positive or negative, try classifying them as clean or dirty. Every emotion can be useful, even the painful ones. If you use your emotional intelligence then they can provide you with information about how you’re responding in your situation.

Research has shown that the people who are the most successful are those who have a 5:1 ratio of positive to negative emotions. Seeking psychological flexibility and wholeness is always better than blind positivity. Attempting to be happy and positive 100% of the time is a recipe for delusion and failure. Remember the ratio: 80% should be your goal.

Along the same lines, a study published in the Journal of Experimental Psychology has shown that emodiversity, or a life in which one experiences a balance of different emotions, is associated with better mental and physical health.

Get better; don’t be good

Top performers and athletes from all kinds of endeavors or sports tend to have one psychological factor in common: a growth mindset.

A growth mindset is built on the goal to “get better.” The opposite of a growth mindset is a fixed mindset, which centers on the thought “be good.” When facing a difficult task, beginners often want to “do good,” coming at it with the mindset of worrying about how well they’ll perform.

There’s a great quote from Carlos Gracie Sr., one of the primary developers of modern Brazilian jiu-jitsu: “There is no losing in jiu-jitsu. You either win or you learn.”

Your challenge is to approach with the goal of “getting better.” Forget “being good,” because everything you do provides feedback. Every approach you make puts you one step closer to becoming a social beast. Every time you experience discomfort, you make it a little bit easier for the next time you’re in that situation.

The satisfaction, inspiration, and motivation that comes with going after your goals is an order of magnitude more valuable than actually achieving them.

What’s the point?

Connection and companionship are what bring purpose and meaning to our lives. If there’s anything in this world that’s worth experiencing some temporary discomfort for, it’s learning how to create genuine connections.

Oneitis and the 3-Step Cure

by Robbie Leave a Comment

Let’s talk about oneitis. This should feel familiar to every guy: you fixate on one specific girl, put her on a pedestal, and imagine the mental or logistical hurdles you need to overcome to get her. Often it occurs with a girl who isn’t fully sold on you yet, or maybe even has rejected you already. It leads to added pressure and makes it almost impossible to succeed.

In his book The Erotic Mind, Jack Morin details the “erotic equation”: attraction plus obstacles leads to excitement. Guess what happens when you create this kind of excitement with a woman you aren’t in a committed relationship with? Painful mental anguish, and worse, a halt to your progress as a man.

1. Recognize it for what it is

In the first six months of dating or meeting a woman you’re attracted to, you don’t actually fall in love with her. You fall in love with your idealized image of her. Truth be told, you don’t even fully know her.

We have an image of our ideal woman, and the type of person who can “make us happy.” Oneitis occurs when we find someone close to that image and we subconsciously squeeze them into the mold, trying to force the relationship. If she has a healthy relationship style (what social psychologists call secure attachment), she’s not likely to reciprocate your feelings because she barely knows you.

It’s crucial to remember that these are other human beings with their own flaws and their own internal worlds. During the first six months you can’t possibly know everything about them. You can’t accurately project what a future with them would be like, no matter how crystal clear that image may appear in your mind. Jumping into a relationship with someone quickly because your mind is telling you she’s “the one” is a perfect recipe for a toxic relationship.

So stop and say to yourself “Okay, I know she seems awesome right now, but I don’t know everything about her. She’s also just a normal person, and these feelings will change over time. If we dated for a long time, there’s a good chance we’ll get to a point where we argue over who has to take out the trash like so many other couples. Or maybe she has a dark past that I know nothing about.”

2. Flirt with everyone

You need to play the numbers game so you develop an effective abundance philosophy. You should be hitting on every girl you see, ALL THE TIME until you stop doing this. Face rejection over and over until you’re not afraid of it.

Flirting takes practice and you need to be doing it consistently to see results. Flirt with everyone. Playfully tease your friends, be sarcastic (but not condescending), lie and get caught, and use every other tactic we discuss for flirting. Practice this stuff and it will come out when you need it.

You’ve heard me say it over and over, but if you expect to get results and you’re not crushing approaches or already dating multiple women, it’s just not gonna happen.

The more I think about it, the simpler it gets. Being a guy who can get girls requires a mixture of the right amount of vulnerability and assertiveness, and the skill to recognize which situations call for which. Guys who can’t attract women aren’t being assertive enough. Guys who can’t connect with women aren’t being vulnerable enough. Oneitis is a clear indicator that you’re not being assertive enough.

I know that when you’re feeling oneitis, this is the last thing you want to do. I know it’s painful. You’re not the first guy to experience this and you’re certainly not the last. Not a lot of guys will admit they’ve experienced it, and it’s more common among young guys than you might expect.

It’s part of the process, and you ultimately determine if you want to learn from it and move forward or get stuck.

3. Strengthen your friendships

The hard truth is that you’re experiencing this because you’re lonely. Loneliness might not be the singular cause, but throw an intriguing woman into a petri dish of loneliness, and oneitis is sure to grow.

Craving the affection and the attention of one specific girl is a mental strategy to combat loneliness. Everyone experiences some level of social disconnection; it’s simply part of the human condition. You experience oneitis when your mind creates a fantasy world to fight that sense of disconnection, and you project that fantasy on the women you meet.

Step 2 was to begin approaching other woman, and that works because it creates a philosophy of abundance. Strengthening your friendships with both men and women works in a different way: this strategy attacks your pervasive loneliness.

Cultivate meaningful relationships in your life other than dating relationships. You need to fill the void in yourself (that can’t be filled by another person) with meaningful pursuits and fulfilling friendships. Connect with guys who share your interests. Focus on your hobbies and do them with other people.

Build your own sense of identity, community, and purpose, rather than hoping for a woman to take away all your problems.

Putting it all together

Frantic obsession over someone you barely know is not healthy.

Yes, that feeling of meeting someone new who seems AWESOME can be fun. But don’t let that feeling cause you to place others on a pedestal. It’ll only prevent you from improving as a person: it makes you self-conscious, worry that you’re not good enough, not commit to approaching, walk on eggshells, and get desperate.

The best thing you can do is express yourself and be as sincere and authentic as possible. Be vulnerable, express yourself, and be assertive. That can filter out people who you wouldn’t be happy with, and take off your rose-colored glasses.