Blog Archives - Page 3 of 23 - Inner Confidence

Oneitis and the 3-Step Cure

Let’s talk about oneitis. This should feel familiar to every guy: you fixate on one specific girl, put her on a pedestal, and imagine the mental or logistical hurdles you need to overcome to get her. Often it occurs with a girl who isn’t fully sold on you yet, or maybe even has rejected you already. It leads to added pressure and makes it almost impossible to succeed.

In his book The Erotic Mind, Jack Morin details the “erotic equation”: attraction plus obstacles leads to excitement. Guess what happens when you create this kind of excitement with a woman you aren’t in a committed relationship with? Painful mental anguish, and worse, a halt to your progress as a man.

1. Recognize it for what it is

In the first six months of dating or meeting a woman you’re attracted to, you don’t actually fall in love with her. You fall in love with your idealized image of her. Truth be told, you don’t even fully know her.

We have an image of our ideal woman, and the type of person who can “make us happy.” Oneitis occurs when we find someone close to that image and we subconsciously squeeze them into the mold, trying to force the relationship. If she has a healthy relationship style (what social psychologists call secure attachment), she’s not likely to reciprocate your feelings because she barely knows you.

It’s crucial to remember that these are other human beings with their own flaws and their own internal worlds. During the first six months you can’t possibly know everything about them. You can’t accurately project what a future with them would be like, no matter how crystal clear that image may appear in your mind. Jumping into a relationship with someone quickly because your mind is telling you she’s “the one” is a perfect recipe for a toxic relationship.

So stop and say to yourself “Okay, I know she seems awesome right now, but I don’t know everything about her. She’s also just a normal person, and these feelings will change over time. If we dated for a long time, there’s a good chance we’ll get to a point where we argue over who has to take out the trash like so many other couples. Or maybe she has a dark past that I know nothing about.”

2. Flirt with everyone

You need to play the numbers game so you develop an effective abundance philosophy. You should be hitting on every girl you see, ALL THE TIME until you stop doing this. Face rejection over and over until you’re not afraid of it.

Flirting takes practice and you need to be doing it consistently to see results. Flirt with everyone. Playfully tease your friends, be sarcastic (but not condescending), lie and get caught, and use every other tactic we discuss for flirting. Practice this stuff and it will come out when you need it.

You’ve heard me say it over and over, but if you expect to get results and you’re not crushing approaches or already dating multiple women, it’s just not gonna happen.

The more I think about it, the simpler it gets. Being a guy who can get girls requires a mixture of the right amount of vulnerability and assertiveness, and the skill to recognize which situations call for which. Guys who can’t attract women aren’t being assertive enough. Guys who can’t connect with women aren’t being vulnerable enough. Oneitis is a clear indicator that you’re not being assertive enough.

I know that when you’re feeling oneitis, this is the last thing you want to do. I know it’s painful. You’re not the first guy to experience this and you’re certainly not the last. Not a lot of guys will admit they’ve experienced it, and it’s more common among young guys than you might expect.

It’s part of the process, and you ultimately determine if you want to learn from it and move forward or get stuck.

3. Strengthen your friendships

The hard truth is that you’re experiencing this because you’re lonely. Loneliness might not be the singular cause, but throw an intriguing woman into a petri dish of loneliness, and oneitis is sure to grow.

Craving the affection and the attention of one specific girl is a mental strategy to combat loneliness. Everyone experiences some level of social disconnection; it’s simply part of the human condition. You experience oneitis when your mind creates a fantasy world to fight that sense of disconnection, and you project that fantasy on the women you meet.

Step 2 was to begin approaching other woman, and that works because it creates a philosophy of abundance. Strengthening your friendships with both men and women works in a different way: this strategy attacks your pervasive loneliness.

Cultivate meaningful relationships in your life other than dating relationships. You need to fill the void in yourself (that can’t be filled by another person) with meaningful pursuits and fulfilling friendships. Connect with guys who share your interests. Focus on your hobbies and do them with other people.

Build your own sense of identity, community, and purpose, rather than hoping for a woman to take away all your problems.

Putting it all together

Frantic obsession over someone you barely know is not healthy.

Yes, that feeling of meeting someone new who seems AWESOME can be fun. But don’t let that feeling cause you to place others on a pedestal. It’ll only prevent you from improving as a person: it makes you self-conscious, worry that you’re not good enough, not commit to approaching, walk on eggshells, and get desperate.

The best thing you can do is express yourself and be as sincere and authentic as possible. Be vulnerable, express yourself, and be assertive. That can filter out people who you wouldn’t be happy with, and take off your rose-colored glasses.

What a former club promoter can teach you about game

by Robbie 3 Comments

What happens to a club promoter’s social life when he leaves that world behind for a regular job?

Today we’re checking in with Ben, a Leverage moderator and master networker who has likability down to a science. You may remember Ben from the Leverage Podcast, where he discussed how he got started as a promoter and his approach to meeting women. If you haven’t listened to that episode, check it out.

Ben has left the club promoting world but still manages to maintain an amazing social life. He’s back to share with you his insights from his transition.

When Ben was a full-time club promoter, he was constantly surrounded by hot women. Contrary to most pickup advice, he found that the less work he did, the better results he got. It’s a unique scenario that depended on being surrounded by hot women, but anyone who consciously makes friendships with lots of women instead of trying to hook up with all of them can use the same strategy.

Even though he’s no longer promoting, he has still found that with his current lifestyle, he also “games” very little and keeps it extremely simple: “I like to think my ‘game’ nowadays is just being a decent human, connecting with and adding value to others. This generally leads to beneficial long term relationships if you pick the right people.”

Ben’s experience resonates with mine. I’ve also found that the better I’ve gotten over the years, the less I need to “game,” which can be described as trying to impress someone rather than expressing yourself.

His current approach consists of several simple, yet important components.

Be genuine and engaging.
Bring the fun and experiences.
Tell stories to convey that he has an interesting life.
Subtly demonstrate value and social proof.
Poke some fun at them once in awhile in a jovial, non-threatening way.

Ben uses these components to surround himself with hot women despite avoiding nightclubs, spending his time in yoga studios, and no longer drinking.

Ben continues, “I usually consciously ‘friend zone’ girls to see what happens later. Friend zoning girls generally drives them nuts and makes it ridiculously easy to turn it into something later, on your terms, if you actually find she’s worth your time. That said, this is only the case if YOU make the decision to friend zone her. That must be clear to her, not the other way around.”

The takeaways:

Be a normal human being who values others, and you’ll build the connections and relationships that you want.
Don’t overgame. Instead, focus on being friends with people and providing them value.
Express yourself instead of attempting to impressing others.

An easy way to step up your style

by Robbie 1 Comment

In Ukraine you must be serious. It’s a serious country and colors are not serious.

Recently I’ve been using a new method to drastically simplify my wardrobe, and getting more compliments than ever. It’s the easiest system I’ve found so far to make fashion (or more accurately, style) easy. But first, why is the way you dress even important? Why should you even care?

A lot of men have the misconception that the clothing they wear only matters to “shallow” women, and the women they want to date aren’t “superficial.” They’re mistaken for a variety of reasons.

If you don’t know how to dress, it immediately sends out a signal you’re not dynamic. Your appearance is the easiest and fastest way to communicate a message to others as to whether or not you’re worth spending time with.

Humans make social judgments about others subconsciously. While it’s tempting to say your clothes and appearance shouldn’t matter because it’s a superficial judgement, the reality is, we all judge each other based on appearance.

It’s important to remember this happens subconsciously. Women aren’t into your clothes per se. They’re into what they convey about your personality. The way you dress conveys your lifestyle, profession, passion and character traits. Everything you put on is a billboard advertising to women who you are as a person. This is why it’s crucial to send the right signals through the way you dress, and why this isn’t about superficiality.

Now that we’ve gotten that out of the way, what’s the new strategy I’ve been using?

Dress in all blacks and greys.

I switched to this wardrobe about a month ago. This is a basic strategy for someone who travels a lot, wants to make their life as easy as possible and still look good without knowing much about fashion.

I started using this method based on the advice of one of our Leverage fashion consultants, but I also just recently came across this blog article advising the same technique. I have to agree with the author’s points:

It means traveling with less stuff.
Blue jeans are ugly. Brown shoes are pointless.
It simplifies your life.
It doesn’t get dirty.

It’s money and so much easier than maintaining my previous wardrobe. I pretty much do only black and grey. Grey is a good addition to all blacks as described in the article because it also goes with everything and gives you a bit more variation. You can play around with different textures of grey clothing too.

What if people notice you’re wearing the same close every day? They won’t. Dark colors are a classic look. You just need some variety with your shirts, pants, jackets, and shoes.

Getting more advanced

Not everyone wants to use this strategy, and I get that. I’m more nomadic and more minimalist than the average guy. So how can you simplify a more advanced wardrobe?

The number one rule that covers 80% of the way is to always buy classic garments in neutral colors with a somewhat modern fit where applicable. This means you don’t attempt going fashion forward based on a single piece, but on the full combination (from “nice jacket” to “you look great!”).

There’s only a handful of classic garments you need. With the basics covered, picking them in neutral colors like navy, khaki, charcoal, olive, etc., you can pick up some colors and patterns, like pastel colored v-necks and tees, a colored chino or two in pastel or dark hue for maximum flexibility, or some buttoned-down shirt patterns. Depending on where you live, you may need winter/summer specific garments. Or just get more grey and black layers for the winter.

Go to Target, Zara, H&M, Nordstrom or wherever, and look at what the mannequins are wearing. Most of the time, you can simply buy those clothes. Get 7 or so outfits, and cycle through them in your day-to-day life. It’s not difficult, and it’s a great way to get started.

If you want, pick a fashion piece every six months. This is something that follows a current trend that will sooner than later fade (e.g. the bright colored chino or crazy pattern shirts crazes) and deepen your seasonal game.

Fit is crucial. Your shirt should gently hug your rib cage; your jeans should angle slightly down toward the floor and lightly hug your quads. Style is more important than fashion so you don’t have to read GQ every season, but know the general trends. Baggy jeans are done. Throw them away. They’ve been done forever, and they make you look like an idiot. Black, shiny, square-toed dress shoes aren’t a great look, either. Your Kenneth Cole Reactions should go in the garbage.

The lesson: Women don’t date guys who dress poorly, unless they’re rock stars in some other area of their lives. Go buy some clothes that fit your body and are in style to give off a more dynamic vibe, and wear blacks and greys for maximum simplicity.

Which is more important: looks or confidence?

by Robbie 1 Comment

I’m 5’8 and almost obese. I’ve never received attention from women the past year despite becoming more social. 3 years ago, when I was almost 40 pounds slimmer, I took a summer class and I noticed the prettiest girl in class hitting on me. However I was too aloof to notice that she was interested. Why do people keep saying that attracting women relies on confidence when my experience proves otherwise?

When people say that being attractive to women relies on confidence, they’re correct. But being attractive isn’t solely about confidence. A healthy sense of confidence isn’t enough to overcome deficits that make you unattractive, like being out of shape. The only guys who can get away with being out of shape are exceptionally attractive in other crucial categories. I’m talking celebrity status, being a multi-millionaire (a sign of career success), or being off the charts in charisma and likability.

Ranked by importance, not being unattractive comes before being attractive. This means that unattractive traits will disqualify you before attractive traits even have a chance to make you a qualified candidate.

A preference for men being in good shape is not a superficial desire by women, by any means. It’s actually an effective way for them to gather information about you as a potential partner, short-term or long-term, because your physique is an accurate indicator of deeper physical and psychological traits. It demonstrates your overall physical health, your ability to be conscientious and maintain a healthy diet, and your self-esteem.

This has roots in human evolutionary history, where the men whose genes with the highest likelihood of being passed on were those who could effectively hunt, fish, protect their family, and survive in the wild. As a result, women have an innate preference for guys who are in good shape. They aren’t looking for a bodybuilder or powerlifter type body- that would have been a disadvantage in our evolutionary environment, and could even be interpreted as a sign of sexual insecurity. They’re just looking for low body fat and developed musculature. Picture a swimmer’s physique or a lean Crossfitter and you’re on the right track.

As with everything in dating, context matters. Women’s preferences will vary depending on your audience. Looks matter more to girls who are young and inexperienced with dating. As women get older and look to settle down and have a family, looks hardly matter at all, taking a back seat to personality and confidence. If you’re going for girls who are mature enough to see past the Billy Biceps of the world, looks may give you a slight boost in attracting her interest and attention, but that’s about it. I’m guessing that the girl in your class was younger and less experienced with dating, so she would tend to favor the more superficial traits like pure physical attractiveness.

Regardless of your audience, getting in better shape remains one of the easiest things you can do to improve your attractiveness. You said you’re almost obese, which means that if you clean up your diet and get on a good exercise regimen, you’ll quickly make progress on your physique and become more attractive.

What you should know about starting a business

by Tyler W Leave a Comment

Having multiple streams of income is an important part of living the Leverage Lifestyle, but too many people looking to start a business ask the wrong questions.

They try to come up with some crazy niche market that nobody’s serving yet because they believe that’s what it’s going to take to be successful. Or they try to enter a market they know nothing about, instead of figuring out what they already enjoy that people are willing to pay for.

Instead, work backwards.

Let’s start with what do you already know. Ask yourself the following questions:

What are you already good at today?
What industry do you already know intimately well?
If you were going to start a podcast tomorrow (with no requirement to earn money from it), what would be potential topics that you feel interest you enough and that you have enough knowledge on that you could start talking for hours a day about said subject?
If you HAD to make $10k by tomorrow, what knowledge, skill, or information do you hold that could be leveraged into getting someone to pay you for it right now?

It’s not that trying to find a market that’s ripe won’t work, because it clearly can. But that’s unnecessarily harder than finding something that has an existing market that you already know well and can execute on.

Do what you know. Don’t pursue endeavors you don’t understand because “there’s money in it.” That’s a sucker’s game. There are billions in banking and trillions in oil. I don’t know these things, so I do what I know. There is opportunity everywhere in everything; it doesn’t mean it’s for you.

Nine times out of ten it’s not the idea that’s the key to success. It’s the execution.

People start businesses all the time in existing markets with plenty of competitors, and they succeed because of their execution. So you don’t need a super unique idea to start a business; you just need a market and you need to execute well, preferably better than the existing competition.

What are people willing to pay for?

Once you’ve identified an area congruent with your skills or interests, you need to figure out who your audience is and figure out what they want. It isn’t about you; it’s about them.

If you can identify someone’s pain point and find a way to solve it, you have an idea for launching a business. Discover a pain people have and solve it—that’s how you make money. Make yourself indispensable to people who are making money and you will get it.

Let’s take a look at some of the greatest industrial innovations and businesses that were created to solve contemporary problems:

The canning process came about from the need for food on the front lines in wartime.
The freeze-drying process was invented to prevent spoilage and became popular with the advent of the home refrigerator.
The home refrigerator itself also came into prominence by solving people’s needs for convenient, storable groceries.

One strategy you can run with is to choose an industry you know a lot about, interview a bunch of businesses in that industry to find out what pain point they have that they’re willing to pay to solve, come up with a Software as a Service solution (some website or software you’d create to solve their problem that they’d happily pay $X/mo), present the solution to them and presell it and get deposits like Tesla did with their consumers, use that money to build the software, then launch to them, and acquire more customers.

In short: Business is about leveraging your strengths to solve people’s problems.

How to up your conversation game in less than an hour

by Robbie Leave a Comment

Lately it seems like there are two categories of questions I get asked more than anything else: conversation skills and texting. And you could argue that texting questions fall under conversation skills- texting feels like a different language, but all the principles of conversation skills apply to texting.

Guys often tell me that their mind goes blank in the middle of a conversation. How do you stop running out of things to say?

We all want to know how to make someone feel truly heard and listened to. What if you could provide someone with that rare experience they’re likely to remember you for?

We know that putting people on a pedestal destroys our ability to connect with them. But that’s so abstract. What is the actual antidote for approval-seeking behavior?

I’m very pleased to welcome Dan Chang of the Friend Formula to the Leverage Podcast. In this episode, Dan answers these questions and dives deeper into what drives effective conversations.

Dan is an expert on communication and the psychology of how we build lasting relationships. But more importantly, he’s also an expert on breaking down this psychology into practical tips. He starts out the episode with three steps you can start using right away to get out of your head and into the present moment, no matter how nervous you feel in a conversation.

That’s just the tip of the iceberg. The practical gems continue for 55 minutes, so there you have it: how to up your conversation game in less than an hour.

My favorite part is when Dan shares his formula for developing new relationships by transitioning from small talk to deeper topics of emotional connection. You’ll learn to navigate the four phases of a conversation: cliches, facts, opinions, and feelings. Trust me, this framework is a game-changer.

Check out the podcast now and start upping your conversation game right away.

How to put yourself in a position of strength

by Tyler W Leave a Comment

It’s too easy to trap yourself into a position of weakness. If you’re struggling to go attract and connect with the caliber of women that you really want, there’s a good chance that you’re talking yourself out of a position of strength.

When you’re craving attention or affection, you’re in a position of weakness.

When you’re needy, you’re in a position of weakness.

When you’re trying to convince someone that they should like you, you’re definitely in a position of weakness.

When you’re trying to impress someone, well, you know where I’m going with this.

So what should I do instead?

Five ways to make sure you’re in a position of strength

When a girl cancels a date on you, don’t rush to reschedule. Instead, keep her engaged on social media, and let her come back to you. Yes, there’s a chance that she won’t ever come back, but it’s better to let that happen naturally than to try to force her into committing to a date again.
If a girl doesn’t respond to two texts, stop texting her. Sorry buddy, but she didn’t forget about you. She probably isn’t “too busy” to be attracted to you either. She’s just not attracted to you at this point in her life. Maybe things will change and she’ll come back around. Maybe they won’t. Either way, stay in a position of strength and dignity by not chasing her.
Be honest with your intentions. Guys who struggle in the “friend zone” messed up by not being honest with their intentions. It’s okay to be attracted to your friend- it’s less okay to conceal that fact while scheming and manipulating the situation to try to get her to fall for you.
Invite rejection into your life. The fear of rejection is an order of magnitude worse than the pain of actual rejection. You should be constantly pushing your comfort zone and growing your social freedom by intentionally getting rejected. The more you do it, the more you see that it isn’t that bad.
Seek honest feedback from mentors. It’s rare for people to express the brutally honest truth. It’s not that everyone is consciously lying, but the norm is to respond with “It was fine” or “I’m good,” when what people often mean is closer to “Today was whatever. Nothing good happened. Nothing bad happened. I’m just saying ‘fine’ because it’s the programmed response I’m expected to say.” It’s the same way in communication with friends- we’re programmed to be polite instead of actually being helpful. This is why it’s crucial when you’re improving your social and dating life to surround yourself with guys who are better than you who are willing to provide honest feedback. They can diagnose your weaknesses, identify your strengths, and help you to live your life in a position of strength.

What my dog taught me about meeting women

by Robbie Leave a Comment

This is Wiley, my German Shepard/Collie mix:

Last week I brought Wiley with me to Las Vegas. We took a walk down The Strip and countless girls stopped me to pet and adore him. I need to get him a t-shirt that says, “I’m Wiley, 8 years old, Shepard/Collie.” I’ve probably answered those damn questions 5,000 times. When it’s a cute girl, I don’t mind as much though.

Having a dog is one of the best hacks to meet women.

But you already know that…

A client in the Leverage Program asked me a question about how to know which “rules” to follow and which to ignore, and I immediately pictured Wiley. Think about why people love dogs so much: they are happy, friendly, and wear their emotions on their sleeve.

Dogs are always in the moment. They’re open to any experience before them, and they never have a hidden agenda, since they’re incapable of lying.

In contrast, humans typically become more guarded and closed off as they age. This leads to a vicious circle of not opening up, which is a subtle way of always rejecting people, and being rejected in return.

Many guys overthink everything and getting caught up in the “rules” of the dating game. But really, there are no rules.

Change Your Approach

When you meet girls, don’t focus on getting them to like you and sleep with you. Focus on having fun and entertaining yourself. This takes the pressure off you and allows her to have fun with you, which creates a connection.

If you’re entertaining yourself, you’re more likely to be honest and say whatever is on your mind. If she is enjoying herself you’ll naturally be genuinely curious about her and take an interest in her life, since you find her attractive

As the time together and connection grows, you may feel comfortable enough to share something personal. Maybe it’s something you’re embarrassed about, or a secret you’ve always wanted to share. These are examples of being vulnerable, and if you’ve shared in a way that doesn’t scare her off, she will respond in kind. This deepens the connection.

Pickup artists are always talking about sexual escalation and teaching their clients to escalate the interaction towards sex. I once was a rookie pickup artist and I too propagated this horrible advice.

It’s completely counterproductive to think like this, because a natural attraction always exists between a man and a woman. If you put a man and woman alone on a desert island, they will eventually have sex. If you have a fun conversation where you speak your mind, share vulnerability and create a connection, sex will occur (unless of course, she thinks you’re gay). She’ll gradually open her body language and sexuality towards you and probably mirror how open you are. Rushing it or trying to speed it up will only have an adverse effect and kill the connection.

A case study of how to show vulnerability

Let’s take an example here:

Brian is a 20-something guy living in LA. He gives off the vibe that he doesn’t really give a fuck about anything and has a hilarious dry sense of humor, because he says almost nothing and just looks at you in expectation that you’re supposed to do the talking. Girls eat it up, and the first few minutes of the interaction seem to go well. She will start asking him personal questions, which is usually a signal that she is attracted to him. They will share basic facts with each other about where they grew up, went to school, do for work, etc… but after a few minutes, the conversations always seem to fizzle out. Sometimes he’ll even make out with girls within the first few minutes, but he almost never hears from any of them again. They don’t return his texts and it’s pretty frustrating.

When he told me what was going on, I explained that he isn’t creating a strong enough connection. He said he didn’t know how to connect. He didn’t understand what I wrote above about being vulnerable. He also felt like he has a boring life. He just goes to work, goes to the gym, goes out, and he didn’t think girls would be interested in that, because he isn’t passionate about anything.

But guess what? Most young guys are right there with him and so are tons of chicks that you’d want to get naked with.

When I was 25 I was jobless, clueless and had no idea what I was passionate about besides California Burritos and nice butts.

Girls want a guy who has created or is living his dream. But they’ll also take the young guy who is chasing his dream. Even if you don’t know what dream you’re chasing, you can still show passion in wanting to figure it out. It shows that you have the same character traits as the guy who’s built his dream; you’re just earlier along in your journey.

You show your vulnerability in this situation by revealing your embarrassment about your lack of passion in life, which is ultimately what will sabotage your chances with her in the first place.

Here’s how I suggested Brian use this in conversation: after the conversation is chugging along and she’s seeking rapport and showing signs of attraction, ask her about her passions, hopes, and dreams for the future. If she isn’t giving much, ask her what she’d do if she won the lottery and took a year off from whatever she was doing.

Odds are she’ll say something basic like “I’d travel!” You then say, “Well, I’m kinda embarrassed because I honestly don’t know what the f*ck I’d do. Of course everyone says they’d travel, but that would get old after a few months. So I’m just trying to figure out what excites me because I’m not sure, and every time I hear people talking about finding their passion, making money doing what they love, and changing the world, it makes me feel like a fucking loser. LOL. I’m not a loser right? Do you ever feel like that too?”

If she has found her passion and she’s crossing her dreams off her bucket list 24/7, odds are she won’t feel the same, but then again, she wouldn’t be talking to you at a bar in the first place.

Remember that the purpose of your conversations when you’re going out isn’t to impress people. It’s to have fun and entertain yourself, which will naturally lead to sharing your life, which creates vulnerability and connections. As our guest host Carly mentioned on this week’s podcast on age, that’s an area where a lot of young guys struggle. They try to impress others because they aren’t yet comfortable in their own skin.

Here’s your homework for the week

Watch this TED talk by Brene Brown on the power of vulnerability. This is one of those TED talks that I keep coming back to because it’s potentially life-changing, and it’s been watched 26 million times so I know I’m not the only one who thinks that. Watch the talk and trying ways you can be more vulnerable in your interactions with women. I guarantee you’ll see positive results, or I’ll give you your money back 😉

WTF does confidence even mean? I know I need it, but how do I get it?

by Robbie 2 Comments

If you don’t feel confident in your dating life, it says nothing about your character. It’s just an indication that you need more practice so you can stack more wins.

There’s a lot of nonsense out there on what confidence is, or what it takes to develop confidence. Confidence is the thoughts and feelings that result from a series of wins stacked together. It’s your expectation of how you’ll perform in a given situation, and it’s different from self-esteem, which is your overall evaluation of yourself.

I was reviewing Mate by Tucker Max yesterday and found a brilliant definition of confidence:

“Confidence is the realistic expectation you have of being successful at something, given (a) your competence at it and (b) the risk involved with doing it.”

Confidence ONLY comes from experience. “Fake it till you make it” is a bad long-term strategy because no matter what you tell yourself, your brain subconsciously creates a metric that assesses whether or not you’ll do well in this situation with reasonable accuracy.

However, in some cases, the idea of “Fake it until you become it” applies. One of those cases is with improving your body language, which Amy Cuddy brilliantly describers in her famous TED Talk:

Unfortunately, there is no faking out your own psyche when it comes to how confident you feel about your abilities. You can’t lie to yourself, yourself is smarter than you are, LOL, confused yet? I am. Anyway…

If you step up to bat against a major league pitcher, you know that the best guys in the world are getting a hit 30% of the time, and getting on base 40% of the time. How confident should you be if you don’t play baseball? What if you played in high school or college? Anyway you look at it, your confidence isn’t gonna be very high!

You develop a higher level of confidence in any domain when it’s something you’ve done often, when you’ve failed over and over, and when you’ve achieved some success. When you learn what works and what doesn’t, you develop an accurate assessment of how you’re likely to perform in any situation.

If you keep practicing and the wins aren’t coming, it means you’re practicing in the wrong areas, getting bad advice, or you have blind spots you’re unaware of. Don’t keep doing the same thing over and over, hoping for a different result. That’s crazy. Get some coaching, learn proven methods of success, and practice those methods. That’s the only way to develop confidence over the long haul.

Let’s talk about rejection.

What most guys don’t realize is that women don’t actually want to reject you. They don’t enjoy it. They have no desire to make you feel bad about yourself, they are only doing their best job of exiting an interaction that doesn’t interest them.

If they aren’t attracted to you, their goal is to signal to you in the least awkward and offensive way possible that you should move on. Unfortunately, most guys don’t pick up on these signals.

Common Signals of Rejection:

1. The first hint occurs when she communicates with a passive businesslike manner and avoids eye contact. This is when you get one-word responses and she doesn’t actively engage with anything you’re throwing out there.

2. If you persist, you’ll get the cold shoulder. This is what’s occurring when guys interpret women’s behavior as subtly “cold” or “bitchy.” She starts going from passively rejecting you to being actively dismissive.

3. Finally, if you haven’t gotten the message by this point, she’s likely to say something that you interpret as condescending, rude or mean. She’s doing everything she can to get you to leave.

The thing to remember is that this behavior isn’t really about you, because most women constantly get hit on really poorly. They’ll frequently encounter sociopathic guys who have no fear of rejection. These guys will walk up and say whatever they want. Their confidence occurs from the lack of a biological fear response, so they have no calibration to her signals.

The other common uncomfortable way women get hit on is by guys with poor social skills. Guys who can’t pick up on social norms, like guys with Asperger Syndrome, come across as creepy to women because they’re oblivious to the signals women are sending and they keep on pushing. Like guys with sociopathic traits, this is a category of guys that women have to go out of their way to send signals of rejection.

Should I hit on less attractive girls?

Back in 2007 when I was working through the requirements to become an approach coach for Pickup101, I needed to get an infield hidden camera video where I got a number or instant date on camera- a daunting task. I spend an evening walking around the UTC Mall in La Jolla and hit on 32 women.

I got the “I have a boyfriend” line 32 times. I vividly remember letting a few approach opportunities with the hottest girls go because I felt like I had less of a chance with them. But after 32 rejections, I was completely annoyed and on the verge of feeling straight up angry.

Finally, on the 33rd approach I was able to get a girls number, but the audio didn’t work. I really wanted to destroy those stupid wireless microphones- I was so angry I needed to break something to release my frustration. But I got some Zen calming advice from my cameraman and called it quits that day.

We later traveled up to West Hollywood for the weekend and hit up the Beverly Center for more approaches. The talent in LA was way better than in San Diego, and even when I get rejected the girls were way sweeter about it.

It dawned on me that the hotter the girl, the more experience she has rejecting guys. Because of this, the idea that you should “warm up” by talking to less attractive women is a silly one. Doing so will only lead to harsher rejections, because you’re dealing with a girl who doesn’t have as much experience confidently and respectfully exiting conversations. Less attractive girls have less experience dealing with guys in general.

Men and women have radically different experience with dating. Women get hit on so often that they develop experience rejecting men.

Ever since she hit puberty, an attractive woman has dealt with all kinds of guys approaching her, checking her out, making suggestive comments. By her 18th birthday, odds are she’s already had six years of this happening every single day. Compare that to a typical 28 year-old guy who’s hit on 100 girls in the last year: she has way more experience under her belt.

Regardless of how experienced you think you are, I promise she has more experience rejecting guys than you have being rejected.

But remember that most of the time women are being hit on by guys they don’t want to talk to. That’s good news for you. You’re not a construction worker catcalling her as she walks down the street, you’re not an intimidating sociopath, and the better you get, the easier for you it becomes to read the social signals she’s sending nonverbally.

And if you were wondering, I finally did get a number on camera. Here’s the footage. Notice my horrific outfit, bad posture and general dorky-ness:

If you have a good eye for reading women’s reactions, you probably noticed that this girl was not into me at all. This is the classic example of a pity number. She just gave it to me because she didn’t want to make me feel bad, especially on camera! Needless to say, she never responded to my texts but hey, I got the video.

Here’s one tip that I use all the time when asking for a girls number to alleviate any awkwardness. Just say “Give me your number or if you don’t like me, give me a fake one.” She will always giggle. It turns the taboo number exchange into a laugh which can only strengthen a connection.

The Minimum Effective Dose for day game

by Robbie Leave a Comment

Most guys know what it’s like to struggle with conversation skills during a day game approach. How many of these feel familiar?

The “I have a boyfriend” response
Only getting brief responses
Not knowing where to take the conversation (“I run out of things to say”)
Having boring conversations

If you can relate to any of these, it doesn’t automatically mean you’re doing anything wrong. It comes down to a different problem: having a day game conversation is really fucking difficult.

I’ve had a LOT of day game conversations and I’m really fucking comfortable having them, but they are still hard, even for a seasoned veteran like me! If you’re really good at it, it can be a more effective way to meet women than via bars, online dating, or any other method. I’ve met everyone else in the dating industry, and here’s the thing, even for these guys who are really fucking good, it’s difficult.

Day game is essentially forcing a conversation with someone who wasn’t expecting to have one. Your challenge is first to get them to want to have that conversation, second to enjoy it, and third to neutralize their social programming about talking to strangers.

So we know that day game in its simplest form is difficult. Trying to have an extended conversation during day game is even more difficult.

The Antidote

I first thought about this idea after I noticed that a lot of my clients were struggling in their day game conversations. So by using the concept of leverage, I figured why not eliminate the conversation altogether?

Looking back on all my approaches, the path of least resistance from approaching to getting a phone number and from texting to setting up a date occurred when I didn’t try to connect at all. I didn’t even try to have a conversation.

It was the simplest version of the word-for-word templates I advocate for guys to use. All I would do is walk up to a girl and say “Hey, I saw you and had to risk embarrassing the hell out of myself to come over here and flirt with you. I’m Robbie. I promise I’m only one third creepy. I’m in a rush, but I think you should give me your number, and if you don’t like me, give me a fake one. I’ll never know the difference.”

I hand her my phone, get the number, and I’m out. You don’t even have to get her reaction or wait for a response. They’ll hopefully smile and laugh, maybe give their name, and then they’re going to put their number in your phone.

That’s the whole conversation.

It takes 20 seconds to a minute to deliver. The psychology behind it is simple:

You’re being direct. Because most guys aren’t ever direct, you demonstrate your confidence.
You’re calling out the fact that you’re doing something that’s a little bit strange and socially awkward by saying you’re risking embarrassing yourself.
You’re showing her you’re not creepy, because the “1/3 creepy” line communicates “I’m not creepy because I know type of approach is a little bit creepy.”
You’re removing her worry that you’ll linger and force a conversation she doesn’t want to have by telling her that you’re busy and you’ll let her quickly get on with her day.
You’re getting her phone number without any pressure by telling her to give you a fake number if she’s not feeling it. It’s direct, it’s nonchalant, it’s fun, it’s flirty, and it works.

This is simple to execute. If you’re struggling to have conversations during your day game approaches, use this minimum effective dose. That’s it.

If you’d like to learn more about the day game protocol, check out our podcast episode on Social Media. We talk about why this simple version of day game is the best, and how to move the interaction forward using social media after you’ve gotten the number.