Blog Archives - Page 3 of 22 - Inner Confidence

What you should know about starting a business

Having multiple streams of income is an important part of living the Leverage Lifestyle, but too many people looking to start a business ask the wrong questions.

They try to come up with some crazy niche market that nobody’s serving yet because they believe that’s what it’s going to take to be successful. Or they try to enter a market they know nothing about, instead of figuring out what they already enjoy that people are willing to pay for.

Instead, work backwards.

Let’s start with what do you already know. Ask yourself the following questions:

What are you already good at today?
What industry do you already know intimately well?
If you were going to start a podcast tomorrow (with no requirement to earn money from it), what would be potential topics that you feel interest you enough and that you have enough knowledge on that you could start talking for hours a day about said subject?
If you HAD to make $10k by tomorrow, what knowledge, skill, or information do you hold that could be leveraged into getting someone to pay you for it right now?

It’s not that trying to find a market that’s ripe won’t work, because it clearly can. But that’s unnecessarily harder than finding something that has an existing market that you already know well and can execute on.

Do what you know. Don’t pursue endeavors you don’t understand because “there’s money in it.” That’s a sucker’s game. There are billions in banking and trillions in oil. I don’t know these things, so I do what I know. There is opportunity everywhere in everything; it doesn’t mean it’s for you.

Nine times out of ten it’s not the idea that’s the key to success. It’s the execution.

People start businesses all the time in existing markets with plenty of competitors, and they succeed because of their execution. So you don’t need a super unique idea to start a business; you just need a market and you need to execute well, preferably better than the existing competition.

What are people willing to pay for?

Once you’ve identified an area congruent with your skills or interests, you need to figure out who your audience is and figure out what they want. It isn’t about you; it’s about them.

If you can identify someone’s pain point and find a way to solve it, you have an idea for launching a business. Discover a pain people have and solve it—that’s how you make money. Make yourself indispensable to people who are making money and you will get it.

Let’s take a look at some of the greatest industrial innovations and businesses that were created to solve contemporary problems:

The canning process came about from the need for food on the front lines in wartime.
The freeze-drying process was invented to prevent spoilage and became popular with the advent of the home refrigerator.
The home refrigerator itself also came into prominence by solving people’s needs for convenient, storable groceries.

One strategy you can run with is to choose an industry you know a lot about, interview a bunch of businesses in that industry to find out what pain point they have that they’re willing to pay to solve, come up with a Software as a Service solution (some website or software you’d create to solve their problem that they’d happily pay $X/mo), present the solution to them and presell it and get deposits like Tesla did with their consumers, use that money to build the software, then launch to them, and acquire more customers.

In short: Business is about leveraging your strengths to solve people’s problems.

How to up your conversation game in less than an hour

by Robbie Leave a Comment

Lately it seems like there are two categories of questions I get asked more than anything else: conversation skills and texting. And you could argue that texting questions fall under conversation skills- texting feels like a different language, but all the principles of conversation skills apply to texting.

Guys often tell me that their mind goes blank in the middle of a conversation. How do you stop running out of things to say?

We all want to know how to make someone feel truly heard and listened to. What if you could provide someone with that rare experience they’re likely to remember you for?

We know that putting people on a pedestal destroys our ability to connect with them. But that’s so abstract. What is the actual antidote for approval-seeking behavior?

I’m very pleased to welcome Dan Chang of the Friend Formula to the Leverage Podcast. In this episode, Dan answers these questions and dives deeper into what drives effective conversations.

Dan is an expert on communication and the psychology of how we build lasting relationships. But more importantly, he’s also an expert on breaking down this psychology into practical tips. He starts out the episode with three steps you can start using right away to get out of your head and into the present moment, no matter how nervous you feel in a conversation.

That’s just the tip of the iceberg. The practical gems continue for 55 minutes, so there you have it: how to up your conversation game in less than an hour.

My favorite part is when Dan shares his formula for developing new relationships by transitioning from small talk to deeper topics of emotional connection. You’ll learn to navigate the four phases of a conversation: cliches, facts, opinions, and feelings. Trust me, this framework is a game-changer.

Check out the podcast now and start upping your conversation game right away.

How to put yourself in a position of strength

by Tyler W Leave a Comment

It’s too easy to trap yourself into a position of weakness. If you’re struggling to go attract and connect with the caliber of women that you really want, there’s a good chance that you’re talking yourself out of a position of strength.

When you’re craving attention or affection, you’re in a position of weakness.

When you’re needy, you’re in a position of weakness.

When you’re trying to convince someone that they should like you, you’re definitely in a position of weakness.

When you’re trying to impress someone, well, you know where I’m going with this.

So what should I do instead?

Five ways to make sure you’re in a position of strength

When a girl cancels a date on you, don’t rush to reschedule. Instead, keep her engaged on social media, and let her come back to you. Yes, there’s a chance that she won’t ever come back, but it’s better to let that happen naturally than to try to force her into committing to a date again.
If a girl doesn’t respond to two texts, stop texting her. Sorry buddy, but she didn’t forget about you. She probably isn’t “too busy” to be attracted to you either. She’s just not attracted to you at this point in her life. Maybe things will change and she’ll come back around. Maybe they won’t. Either way, stay in a position of strength and dignity by not chasing her.
Be honest with your intentions. Guys who struggle in the “friend zone” messed up by not being honest with their intentions. It’s okay to be attracted to your friend- it’s less okay to conceal that fact while scheming and manipulating the situation to try to get her to fall for you.
Invite rejection into your life. The fear of rejection is an order of magnitude worse than the pain of actual rejection. You should be constantly pushing your comfort zone and growing your social freedom by intentionally getting rejected. The more you do it, the more you see that it isn’t that bad.
Seek honest feedback from mentors. It’s rare for people to express the brutally honest truth. It’s not that everyone is consciously lying, but the norm is to respond with “It was fine” or “I’m good,” when what people often mean is closer to “Today was whatever. Nothing good happened. Nothing bad happened. I’m just saying ‘fine’ because it’s the programmed response I’m expected to say.” It’s the same way in communication with friends- we’re programmed to be polite instead of actually being helpful. This is why it’s crucial when you’re improving your social and dating life to surround yourself with guys who are better than you who are willing to provide honest feedback. They can diagnose your weaknesses, identify your strengths, and help you to live your life in a position of strength.

What my dog taught me about meeting women

by Robbie Leave a Comment

This is Wiley, my German Shepard/Collie mix:

Last week I brought Wiley with me to Las Vegas. We took a walk down The Strip and countless girls stopped me to pet and adore him. I need to get him a t-shirt that says, “I’m Wiley, 8 years old, Shepard/Collie.” I’ve probably answered those damn questions 5,000 times. When it’s a cute girl, I don’t mind as much though.

Having a dog is one of the best hacks to meet women.

But you already know that…

A client in the Leverage Program asked me a question about how to know which “rules” to follow and which to ignore, and I immediately pictured Wiley. Think about why people love dogs so much: they are happy, friendly, and wear their emotions on their sleeve.

Dogs are always in the moment. They’re open to any experience before them, and they never have a hidden agenda, since they’re incapable of lying.

In contrast, humans typically become more guarded and closed off as they age. This leads to a vicious circle of not opening up, which is a subtle way of always rejecting people, and being rejected in return.

Many guys overthink everything and getting caught up in the “rules” of the dating game. But really, there are no rules.

Change Your Approach

When you meet girls, don’t focus on getting them to like you and sleep with you. Focus on having fun and entertaining yourself. This takes the pressure off you and allows her to have fun with you, which creates a connection.

If you’re entertaining yourself, you’re more likely to be honest and say whatever is on your mind. If she is enjoying herself you’ll naturally be genuinely curious about her and take an interest in her life, since you find her attractive

As the time together and connection grows, you may feel comfortable enough to share something personal. Maybe it’s something you’re embarrassed about, or a secret you’ve always wanted to share. These are examples of being vulnerable, and if you’ve shared in a way that doesn’t scare her off, she will respond in kind. This deepens the connection.

Pickup artists are always talking about sexual escalation and teaching their clients to escalate the interaction towards sex. I once was a rookie pickup artist and I too propagated this horrible advice.

It’s completely counterproductive to think like this, because a natural attraction always exists between a man and a woman. If you put a man and woman alone on a desert island, they will eventually have sex. If you have a fun conversation where you speak your mind, share vulnerability and create a connection, sex will occur (unless of course, she thinks you’re gay). She’ll gradually open her body language and sexuality towards you and probably mirror how open you are. Rushing it or trying to speed it up will only have an adverse effect and kill the connection.

A case study of how to show vulnerability

Let’s take an example here:

Brian is a 20-something guy living in LA. He gives off the vibe that he doesn’t really give a fuck about anything and has a hilarious dry sense of humor, because he says almost nothing and just looks at you in expectation that you’re supposed to do the talking. Girls eat it up, and the first few minutes of the interaction seem to go well. She will start asking him personal questions, which is usually a signal that she is attracted to him. They will share basic facts with each other about where they grew up, went to school, do for work, etc… but after a few minutes, the conversations always seem to fizzle out. Sometimes he’ll even make out with girls within the first few minutes, but he almost never hears from any of them again. They don’t return his texts and it’s pretty frustrating.

When he told me what was going on, I explained that he isn’t creating a strong enough connection. He said he didn’t know how to connect. He didn’t understand what I wrote above about being vulnerable. He also felt like he has a boring life. He just goes to work, goes to the gym, goes out, and he didn’t think girls would be interested in that, because he isn’t passionate about anything.

But guess what? Most young guys are right there with him and so are tons of chicks that you’d want to get naked with.

When I was 25 I was jobless, clueless and had no idea what I was passionate about besides California Burritos and nice butts.

Girls want a guy who has created or is living his dream. But they’ll also take the young guy who is chasing his dream. Even if you don’t know what dream you’re chasing, you can still show passion in wanting to figure it out. It shows that you have the same character traits as the guy who’s built his dream; you’re just earlier along in your journey.

You show your vulnerability in this situation by revealing your embarrassment about your lack of passion in life, which is ultimately what will sabotage your chances with her in the first place.

Here’s how I suggested Brian use this in conversation: after the conversation is chugging along and she’s seeking rapport and showing signs of attraction, ask her about her passions, hopes, and dreams for the future. If she isn’t giving much, ask her what she’d do if she won the lottery and took a year off from whatever she was doing.

Odds are she’ll say something basic like “I’d travel!” You then say, “Well, I’m kinda embarrassed because I honestly don’t know what the f*ck I’d do. Of course everyone says they’d travel, but that would get old after a few months. So I’m just trying to figure out what excites me because I’m not sure, and every time I hear people talking about finding their passion, making money doing what they love, and changing the world, it makes me feel like a fucking loser. LOL. I’m not a loser right? Do you ever feel like that too?”

If she has found her passion and she’s crossing her dreams off her bucket list 24/7, odds are she won’t feel the same, but then again, she wouldn’t be talking to you at a bar in the first place.

Remember that the purpose of your conversations when you’re going out isn’t to impress people. It’s to have fun and entertain yourself, which will naturally lead to sharing your life, which creates vulnerability and connections. As our guest host Carly mentioned on this week’s podcast on age, that’s an area where a lot of young guys struggle. They try to impress others because they aren’t yet comfortable in their own skin.

Here’s your homework for the week

Watch this TED talk by Brene Brown on the power of vulnerability. This is one of those TED talks that I keep coming back to because it’s potentially life-changing, and it’s been watched 26 million times so I know I’m not the only one who thinks that. Watch the talk and trying ways you can be more vulnerable in your interactions with women. I guarantee you’ll see positive results, or I’ll give you your money back 😉

WTF does confidence even mean? I know I need it, but how do I get it?

by Robbie 2 Comments

If you don’t feel confident in your dating life, it says nothing about your character. It’s just an indication that you need more practice so you can stack more wins.

There’s a lot of nonsense out there on what confidence is, or what it takes to develop confidence. Confidence is the thoughts and feelings that result from a series of wins stacked together. It’s your expectation of how you’ll perform in a given situation, and it’s different from self-esteem, which is your overall evaluation of yourself.

I was reviewing Mate by Tucker Max yesterday and found a brilliant definition of confidence:

“Confidence is the realistic expectation you have of being successful at something, given (a) your competence at it and (b) the risk involved with doing it.”

Confidence ONLY comes from experience. “Fake it till you make it” is a bad long-term strategy because no matter what you tell yourself, your brain subconsciously creates a metric that assesses whether or not you’ll do well in this situation with reasonable accuracy.

However, in some cases, the idea of “Fake it until you become it” applies. One of those cases is with improving your body language, which Amy Cuddy brilliantly describers in her famous TED Talk:

Unfortunately, there is no faking out your own psyche when it comes to how confident you feel about your abilities. You can’t lie to yourself, yourself is smarter than you are, LOL, confused yet? I am. Anyway…

If you step up to bat against a major league pitcher, you know that the best guys in the world are getting a hit 30% of the time, and getting on base 40% of the time. How confident should you be if you don’t play baseball? What if you played in high school or college? Anyway you look at it, your confidence isn’t gonna be very high!

You develop a higher level of confidence in any domain when it’s something you’ve done often, when you’ve failed over and over, and when you’ve achieved some success. When you learn what works and what doesn’t, you develop an accurate assessment of how you’re likely to perform in any situation.

If you keep practicing and the wins aren’t coming, it means you’re practicing in the wrong areas, getting bad advice, or you have blind spots you’re unaware of. Don’t keep doing the same thing over and over, hoping for a different result. That’s crazy. Get some coaching, learn proven methods of success, and practice those methods. That’s the only way to develop confidence over the long haul.

Let’s talk about rejection.

What most guys don’t realize is that women don’t actually want to reject you. They don’t enjoy it. They have no desire to make you feel bad about yourself, they are only doing their best job of exiting an interaction that doesn’t interest them.

If they aren’t attracted to you, their goal is to signal to you in the least awkward and offensive way possible that you should move on. Unfortunately, most guys don’t pick up on these signals.

Common Signals of Rejection:

1. The first hint occurs when she communicates with a passive businesslike manner and avoids eye contact. This is when you get one-word responses and she doesn’t actively engage with anything you’re throwing out there.

2. If you persist, you’ll get the cold shoulder. This is what’s occurring when guys interpret women’s behavior as subtly “cold” or “bitchy.” She starts going from passively rejecting you to being actively dismissive.

3. Finally, if you haven’t gotten the message by this point, she’s likely to say something that you interpret as condescending, rude or mean. She’s doing everything she can to get you to leave.

The thing to remember is that this behavior isn’t really about you, because most women constantly get hit on really poorly. They’ll frequently encounter sociopathic guys who have no fear of rejection. These guys will walk up and say whatever they want. Their confidence occurs from the lack of a biological fear response, so they have no calibration to her signals.

The other common uncomfortable way women get hit on is by guys with poor social skills. Guys who can’t pick up on social norms, like guys with Asperger Syndrome, come across as creepy to women because they’re oblivious to the signals women are sending and they keep on pushing. Like guys with sociopathic traits, this is a category of guys that women have to go out of their way to send signals of rejection.

Should I hit on less attractive girls?

Back in 2007 when I was working through the requirements to become an approach coach for Pickup101, I needed to get an infield hidden camera video where I got a number or instant date on camera- a daunting task. I spend an evening walking around the UTC Mall in La Jolla and hit on 32 women.

I got the “I have a boyfriend” line 32 times. I vividly remember letting a few approach opportunities with the hottest girls go because I felt like I had less of a chance with them. But after 32 rejections, I was completely annoyed and on the verge of feeling straight up angry.

Finally, on the 33rd approach I was able to get a girls number, but the audio didn’t work. I really wanted to destroy those stupid wireless microphones- I was so angry I needed to break something to release my frustration. But I got some Zen calming advice from my cameraman and called it quits that day.

We later traveled up to West Hollywood for the weekend and hit up the Beverly Center for more approaches. The talent in LA was way better than in San Diego, and even when I get rejected the girls were way sweeter about it.

It dawned on me that the hotter the girl, the more experience she has rejecting guys. Because of this, the idea that you should “warm up” by talking to less attractive women is a silly one. Doing so will only lead to harsher rejections, because you’re dealing with a girl who doesn’t have as much experience confidently and respectfully exiting conversations. Less attractive girls have less experience dealing with guys in general.

Men and women have radically different experience with dating. Women get hit on so often that they develop experience rejecting men.

Ever since she hit puberty, an attractive woman has dealt with all kinds of guys approaching her, checking her out, making suggestive comments. By her 18th birthday, odds are she’s already had six years of this happening every single day. Compare that to a typical 28 year-old guy who’s hit on 100 girls in the last year: she has way more experience under her belt.

Regardless of how experienced you think you are, I promise she has more experience rejecting guys than you have being rejected.

But remember that most of the time women are being hit on by guys they don’t want to talk to. That’s good news for you. You’re not a construction worker catcalling her as she walks down the street, you’re not an intimidating sociopath, and the better you get, the easier for you it becomes to read the social signals she’s sending nonverbally.

And if you were wondering, I finally did get a number on camera. Here’s the footage. Notice my horrific outfit, bad posture and general dorky-ness:

If you have a good eye for reading women’s reactions, you probably noticed that this girl was not into me at all. This is the classic example of a pity number. She just gave it to me because she didn’t want to make me feel bad, especially on camera! Needless to say, she never responded to my texts but hey, I got the video.

Here’s one tip that I use all the time when asking for a girls number to alleviate any awkwardness. Just say “Give me your number or if you don’t like me, give me a fake one.” She will always giggle. It turns the taboo number exchange into a laugh which can only strengthen a connection.

The Minimum Effective Dose for day game

by Robbie Leave a Comment

Most guys know what it’s like to struggle with conversation skills during a day game approach. How many of these feel familiar?

The “I have a boyfriend” response
Only getting brief responses
Not knowing where to take the conversation (“I run out of things to say”)
Having boring conversations

If you can relate to any of these, it doesn’t automatically mean you’re doing anything wrong. It comes down to a different problem: having a day game conversation is really fucking difficult.

I’ve had a LOT of day game conversations and I’m really fucking comfortable having them, but they are still hard, even for a seasoned veteran like me! If you’re really good at it, it can be a more effective way to meet women than via bars, online dating, or any other method. I’ve met everyone else in the dating industry, and here’s the thing, even for these guys who are really fucking good, it’s difficult.

Day game is essentially forcing a conversation with someone who wasn’t expecting to have one. Your challenge is first to get them to want to have that conversation, second to enjoy it, and third to neutralize their social programming about talking to strangers.

So we know that day game in its simplest form is difficult. Trying to have an extended conversation during day game is even more difficult.

The Antidote

I first thought about this idea after I noticed that a lot of my clients were struggling in their day game conversations. So by using the concept of leverage, I figured why not eliminate the conversation altogether?

Looking back on all my approaches, the path of least resistance from approaching to getting a phone number and from texting to setting up a date occurred when I didn’t try to connect at all. I didn’t even try to have a conversation.

It was the simplest version of the word-for-word templates I advocate for guys to use. All I would do is walk up to a girl and say “Hey, I saw you and had to risk embarrassing the hell out of myself to come over here and flirt with you. I’m Robbie. I promise I’m only one third creepy. I’m in a rush, but I think you should give me your number, and if you don’t like me, give me a fake one. I’ll never know the difference.”

I hand her my phone, get the number, and I’m out. You don’t even have to get her reaction or wait for a response. They’ll hopefully smile and laugh, maybe give their name, and then they’re going to put their number in your phone.

That’s the whole conversation.

It takes 20 seconds to a minute to deliver. The psychology behind it is simple:

You’re being direct. Because most guys aren’t ever direct, you demonstrate your confidence.
You’re calling out the fact that you’re doing something that’s a little bit strange and socially awkward by saying you’re risking embarrassing yourself.
You’re showing her you’re not creepy, because the “1/3 creepy” line communicates “I’m not creepy because I know type of approach is a little bit creepy.”
You’re removing her worry that you’ll linger and force a conversation she doesn’t want to have by telling her that you’re busy and you’ll let her quickly get on with her day.
You’re getting her phone number without any pressure by telling her to give you a fake number if she’s not feeling it. It’s direct, it’s nonchalant, it’s fun, it’s flirty, and it works.

This is simple to execute. If you’re struggling to have conversations during your day game approaches, use this minimum effective dose. That’s it.

If you’d like to learn more about the day game protocol, check out our podcast episode on Social Media. We talk about why this simple version of day game is the best, and how to move the interaction forward using social media after you’ve gotten the number.

The Words Don’t Matter

by Tyler W Leave a Comment

When you’re walking up to a girl and meeting her, your first impression is crucial, but there’s one step here that I see a lot of guys mess up. They’re so nervous that they forget to use the same social skills they use in all their other interactions.

When you’re nervous, your intelligence drops. Your fight or flight system gets triggered. You get overly literal and hang onto every word she says. Contrast that to a conversation you have with a close friend or a family member. In these interactions, you’re able to read the emotions beneath their words.

If you came home and said to your roommate “Hey Johnny, how was work today?” and he responds tersely, “It was fine,” you know that he was pissed off because you’re detecting the emotional context beneath his words.

But we forget to use this same skill when we’re around a hot woman.

It’s not that people are consciously lying, but in today’s world it’s rare for people to express the brutally honest truth. You get responses like “It was fine” or “I’m good,” when often what people mean is “Today was whatever. Nothing good happened. Nothing bad happened. I’m just saying ‘fine’ because it’s the programmed response I’m expected to say.”

Picture this: a day game interaction where you walk up to a girl and say “Hey, I saw you standing here and I had to risk embarrassing the hell out of myself to come meet you.” She doesn’t smile or laugh, but responds “Ok. Now what?”

You’re nervous and stumble over a response. “Uhh… now, uhh… now…” You’re at a loss for how to answer her question “Now what?”

But here’s the thing: she didn’t really ask you that question. She doesn’t care about your answer. What she did was give you an emotional reaction. If you read beneath her words for the underlying emotion, she’s not actually asking anything, but expressing that she’s feeling unimpressed.

The best thing to do here is to call it out by playfully delivering an honest statement like “You look like you’re not very impressed.” Calling it out allows her to connect with you, because people connect via shared emotions. She’ll probably laugh because you were able to accurately identify her feelings.

Social communication is built on the expression of emotions, not facts. When you connect by sharing emotions, you build a deeper connection, and your conversation partner feels more comfortable being honest. Sharing deep truths about ourselves starts with small things and escalates as both people get increasingly comfortable. This only happens when there are shared emotions.

If you were correct in your assessment of her emotions, she may follow up with something like “No, I’m sorry I was rude. I’m just having a bad day.” This is an opportunity to have a vibing conversation. “No worries. Hopefully the random guy hitting on you on the street is making your day better. I’m Robbie.”

This sparks a deeper, more connected, honest conversation. She’s more attracted and you’re more confident. That’s the goal!

It’s rare that I see guy who hasn’t done a ton of approaches speak to a woman’s emotions. Instead, he just speaks to her words, so his approaches don’t go anywhere, and he can’t understand why.

You never want to be stuck in a surface-level conversation or asking logical questions that don’t matter.

To really get good at connecting with high value women, you need to understand what they’re saying beneath their words. If every guy could flip that switch to speak to emotions instead of what’s on the surface, not just with women but with everyone, communication in our society would be easier.

If you compare North America and Western Europe to other societies like Eastern Europe or South America, the social communication differences are striking. These cultures value direct communication. This is in contrast to North America, where people have thin skins and are afraid to have their feelings hurt. Everyone walks on eggshells with an artificial sense of politeness.

The result is that no one ever feels uncomfortable, but at the same time, everyone is disconnected. Male-female dynamics are complicated. Business dealings are difficult. It slows down any interaction where direct communication is needed to get from point A to point B.

How do you speak to someone’s emotions instead of their words?

To identify someone’s emotions, read their facial expressions, vocal tonality, and body language. While you’d have no chance of doing this if you were an alien visiting Earth, modern neuroscience has shown that the human brain naturally has this ability. It’s just a form of pattern recognition that you can tap into with practice. Watching movies is one example of how to practice, as is watching dating shows, or even practicing meditation to get in touch with your own emotions.

There are also two books that everyone should read to speed up their progress: What Every BODY is Saying by Joe Navarro, and Emotions Revealed by Paul Ekman.

Want to have an easier time connecting? Stop focusing on the words people are explicitly saying, and instead listen for the emotions they’re expressing beneath the surface.

You Should Watch Dating Shows

by Robbie Leave a Comment

You guys should be watching TONS of dating shows.

I’ve watched almost every episode of Blind Date, Millionaire Matchmaker, Elimidate, Singled Out, etc…reality TV’s finest programming.

I’m sure I picked up a million how to’s, do’s and dont’s, and pop culture references. If you’re not consistently meeting women this is a must do. And guess what, these shows are immensely entertaining so this exercise is easy. While nerds were playing Starcraft, I was watching reality dating shows.

Watching dates is one of the best ways to study human psychology. It is politically incorrect, fascinating, and brutally honest, all at the same time.

For example, watch Episode 12 of Millionaire Matchmaker with Sheree and spot all the problems. Here’s one Leverage Program member’s analysis of the whole episode, and he nailed it:

Girl 1 – Tall blonde girl. Cool. Well traveled. Plays sports. Blah blah.
Girl 2 – Project manager chick. Enthusiastic about traveling. I forget the rest.
Girl 3 – Ballet chick. Connected with all his biographical details. “I played tennis.” “Love spending time with my family.” Well-played.
Girl 4 – Drummer chick. Lives with mom. Fun.

Girl 3 got picked because she knew what the guy wanted and connected with him on all those points. Nothing the other girls could really do honestly since they didn’t have as much in common with this dude. I need to be a baller so girls fight over me on TV. Life goals.

Date was good because they made a solid connection that wasn’t forced. Doing the fun thing at beginning was cool to lighten the mood. It’s kind of dumb at the same time because the girl is already into him before he even meets her, so it’s basically a layup. Not really realistic compared to real life unless you have power or a cool social circle. More life goals.

Dude 1 – Smiley guy. Chill. Asked her age. Probably had no chance anyway.
Dude 2 – Producer. Laid back. Connected with her on traveling. ‘Am I the winner’ joke was funny. Finally that bitch smiled.
Dude 3 – Opened by making her feel kind of special. Removal of sunglasses after first couple sentences while maintaining eye contact was cool. He’s chill.

Dude 3 is a beast. He was cool and knew how to connect with her.

On date, dude is always in a good mood. He’s cool. Definitely smashes a lot. Painting while drinking wine was a cool date idea. I want to do that sometime. Sheree is painful. Cold and ruining the flow. I like when she tried to tell him to tell her a joke and he was basically like “nah, I don’t play myself.” Too many red flags with this woman. She’s cold. Stay away.

Note the difference between the men/women who get selected and the ones who don’t. Why did he choose her? Why did she choose him?

One of the biggest insights of dating is how few people look at it from the other person’s perspective. This is really hard, so putting effort into improving your pattern recognition here is a great use of your time.

Where You Should Be Meeting Women

by Robbie Leave a Comment

It’s Friday night and you’ve got your dancing shoes on, except you don’t actually care about dancing tonight- you’re single and you are going out to meet women.

You and a buddy are trying to decide where to go. “There’s a new club that just opened, kinda a hipster scene, but the chicks are hot, bro!”

“I’m not into hipster chicks, but whatever…If they’re hot, let’s go check it out!” you respond.

Sound familiar?

Places like that are a waste of the limited free time you have!

Busy guys quickly forget how much the environment of places we go out to affects our ability to meet girls. I know that for me personally, it used to be an ego thing. I wanted to be able to get different types of girls, and I wanted to be good at meeting women everywhere. But for every smoking hot alternative chick I took home, I’d waste a couple of nights getting rejected hard.

So why not make it easier and pick spots where you can meet women that match the characteristics you’re looking for?

Girls do this already! Girls who want to meet black guys go to places with good hip-hop, girls looking for a Latin adventure do salsa, and gold diggers hang out in Canary Wharf.

So just go to places where women are looking for guys like you!

It took me years to get this simple concept (well, I still screw this up from time to time, but I’m getting better), but once I realized it, meeting women became so much more efficient. In my case, I like to date hot lawyers/doctors/accountants, so I hang out at nicer bars that are quiet enough to have a conversation.

So, where could you be successfully meeting women?

1. The train/metro station – She’ll be so impressed you had the courage to approach! If she’s single, it’s usually not too hard to walk away with a number in less than 2-3 minutes (wouldn’t want you to miss the train).

The fact that she’s standing there during rush hour gives you a lot of useful information: She has a job, she’s doing something with her life, she’s probably open to dating guys with serious jobs. And you have a much better idea of what she looks like in the bright lights of a station compared to a dimly lit club.

2. Cocktail bars/lounges – If you’re looking to meet someone classy, go to a classy place. These places have softer music which make conversation easier, and you’re not going to find anyone throwing up in the toilets (until your friends start buying Jaeger).

You’re also more likely to find someone who is employed. The best part about a lounge is that you’ll occasionally find the type of woman who almost never parties who was dragged out by her friends. If you want to stay away from party girls, these places are great!

3. Bars and clubs with a niche – I live 5 minutes away from this awesome whiskey bar, and it seems like whenever I go there, there’s a gorgeous girl who’s out with male colleagues and patiently waiting for some guy to come to come keep her company.

So although the bars a block away from the local university may have have cheap drinks, a 2-dollar cover charge and a bunch of hot college chicks, these girls aren’t gonna talk to you unless your Spotify is 50% the Weeknd (I really hope it isn’t).

4. Out and about during the day

Want to feel an unstoppable sense of social freedom? Learn to meet women during the day while they’re going about their daily business. Even though it violates social norms (don’t worry, we have a way around that), one of the best ways to meet women is to approach them during the day and playfully initiate a conversation.

There’s no competition, you encounter the hottest women possible, and you demonstrate your confidence in a way that most guys never even imagine is possible.

Make life easy on yourself and think before you go out! Just because a place has hot girls, it doesn’t mean they’re gonna be hot for you.

Match your personality traits and your strengths to the types of venues where the women you want to meet spend time.

Embarass Yourself to Overcome Social Anxiety

by Tyler W 2 Comments

One of my favorite Inner Confidence exercises is our social freedom exercises. We do things like lie down in a crowded public area, pretend to text on our phones in a crosswalk until the light turns green and we get honked at, and go to Chipotle and ask for free guacamole. Pictured left is Leverage Program moderator, doing a social freedom exercise during this year’s EuroTrip in Budapest. The point of these exercises is to embarrass yourself in public and learn to deal with whatever reaction you get.

There’s actual psychology behind it: the original cognitive-behavioral therapist Albert Ellis invented the concept in 1968 and called them shame-attacking exercises. They’re an amazingly effective way to overcome social anxiety, and for guys who want to give less of a fuck.

Most people overestimate the costs associated with making a social mistake. They think that if they appear incompetent, crazy, or obnoxious, the results will be drastic and they won’t be able to handle it.

Social freedom exercises prove that most guys’ thoughts about this are wrong. When you do the exercises, you’ll usually find that a lot of people don’t even notice or care. If you lie down in a public place, rather than being shamed, most people won’t even notice you, or at the most they’ll walk around you.

We’re all the star of our own movies, and we don’t really care what’s happening in other people’s movies. People don’t care about you as much as you think they do. They’re probably busy looking at their phones anyway.

Having intentionally awkward conversations, like asking random strangers where the nearest STD clinic is, isn’t as painful as most guys expect it to be. In fact, a lot of times these conversations are hilarious and guys walk away laughing at their newfound social freedom and lack of concern about rejection.

Knowingly violating social norms is a powerful way to overcome your fears.

It’s amazing what you get just by asking. While the point of these exercises is to increase your social freedom, some of them teach another lesson. Most people don’t ask for what they really want. They walk on eggshells, trying to avoid inconveniencing or offending others, when in reality, other people are more than happy to help out.

This morning at Coffee Bean, I asked for a discount on my coffee. The barista gave me a polite no. It didn’t work out that time, but at least I asked.

Later in the day, I took an Uber ride with what must have the world’s most mediocre driver. He decided that taking the freeway would be too efficient, so he randomly exited and doubled the length of the trip. After the ride, instead of just saying “oh well, that’s life,” I asked Uber to give me a credit for my time. It wasn’t like he was completely terrible, but hey, why not ask?

Asking paid off!

There are countless examples that arise in daily life where most people don’t ask for things they can probably get:

If you miss a credit card payment and incur a late fee, you can usually get it removed by calling and asking
If you call your cable company, you can often negotiate a lower rate by having them match a competitor’s price
If you always ask for discounts at stores and restaurants in a funny way, you’ll sometimes get them
If you’re friendly with the airline desk agent, you can get free upgrades when there’s space on the place

What other examples can you think of for developing social freedom and getting free stuff? Post in the comments below.