Procrastination Archives - Inner Confidence

The truth about confidence and rejection

If you don’t feel confident in your dating life, it says nothing about your character. It’s just an indication that you need more practice so you can stack more wins.

There’s a lot of nonsense out there on what confidence is, or what it takes to develop confidence. Confidence is the thoughts and feelings that result from a series of wins stacked together. It’s your expectation of how you’ll perform in a given situation, and it’s different from self-esteem, which is your overall evaluation of yourself.

I was reviewing Mate by Tucker Max yesterday and found a brilliant definition of confidence:

“Confidence is the realistic expectation you have of being successful at something, given (a) your competence at it and (b) the risk involved with doing it.”

Confidence ONLY comes from experience and competence. “Fake it till you make it” is a bad long-term strategy because no matter what you tell yourself, your brain subconsciously creates a metric that assesses whether or not you’ll do well in this situation with reasonable accuracy. Confidence is grounded in real world results, whereas arrogance is based on your imagination and self-delusion (and doesn’t work).

The subconscious part of your brain is more important for confidence than what you rationally tell yourself, meaning that if you don’t subconsciously believe you have the skills to be competent, you don’t have confidence.

Unfortunately, there is no faking out your own psyche when it comes to how confident you feel about your abilities. Your confidence has to be calibrated on your competence. You can’t lie to yourself because your self is smarter than you are- LOL, confused yet? I am. Anyway…

If you step up to bat against a major league pitcher, you know that the best guys in the world are getting a hit 30% of the time, and getting on base 40% of the time. How confident should you be if you don’t play baseball? Even if you played in high school or college, your confidence isn’t gonna be very high, and it shouldn’t be!

You develop a higher level of confidence in any field when it’s something you’ve done often, when you’ve failed over and over, and when you’ve achieved some success. When you learn what works and what doesn’t, you develop an accurate assessment of how you’re likely to perform in any situation.

If you keep practicing and the wins aren’t coming, it means you’re practicing in the wrong areas, getting bad advice, or you have blind spots you’re unaware of. Don’t keep doing the same thing over and over, hoping for a different result. That’s crazy. Get some coaching, learn proven methods of success, and practice those methods. That’s the only way to develop confidence over the long haul.

Let’s talk about rejection.

What most guys don’t realize is that women don’t actually want to reject you. They don’t enjoy it. They have no desire to make you feel bad about yourself, they are only doing their best job of exiting an interaction that doesn’t interest them.

If they aren’t attracted to you, their goal is to signal to you in the least awkward and offensive way possible that you should move on. Unfortunately, most guys don’t pick up on these signals.

Common Signals of Rejection:

1. The first hint occurs when she communicates with a passive businesslike manner and avoids eye contact. This is when you get one-word responses and she doesn’t actively engage with anything you’re throwing out there.

2. If you persist, you’ll get the cold shoulder. This is what’s occurring when guys interpret women’s behavior as subtly “cold” or “bitchy.” She starts going from passively rejecting you to being actively dismissive.

3. Finally, if you haven’t gotten the message by this point, she’s likely to say something that you interpret as condescending, rude or mean. She’s doing everything she can to get you to leave.

The thing to remember is that this behavior isn’t really about you, because most women constantly get hit on really poorly. They’ll frequently encounter sociopathic guys who have no fear of rejection. These guys will walk up and say whatever they want. Their confidence occurs from the lack of a biological fear response, so they have no calibration to her signals.

The other common uncomfortable way women get hit on is by guys with poor social skills. Guys who can’t pick up on social norms, like guys with Asperger Syndrome, come across as creepy to women because they’re oblivious to the signals women are sending and they keep on pushing. Like guys with sociopathic traits, this is a category of guys that women have to go out of their way to send signals of rejection.

Should I hit on less attractive girls?

Back in 2007 when I was working through the requirements to become an approach coach for Pickup101, I needed to get an infield hidden camera video where I got a number or instant date on camera- a daunting task. I spent an evening walking around the UTC Mall in La Jolla and hit on 32 women.

I got the “I have a boyfriend” line 32 times. I vividly remember letting a few approach opportunities with the hottest girls go because I felt like I had less of a chance with them. But after 32 rejections, I was completely annoyed and on the verge of feeling straight up angry.

Finally, on the 33rd approach I was able to get a girl’s number, but the audio didn’t work. I really wanted to destroy those stupid wireless microphones. I was so angry I needed to break something to release my frustration. But I got some Zen calming advice from my cameraman and called it quits that day.

We later traveled up to West Hollywood for the weekend and hit up the Beverly Center for more approaches. The talent in LA was way better than in San Diego, and even when I get rejected the girls were way sweeter about it.

It dawned on me that the hotter the girl, the more experience she has rejecting guys. Because of this, the idea that you should “warm up” by talking to less attractive women is a silly one. Doing so will only lead to harsher rejections, because you’re dealing with a girl who doesn’t have as much experience confidently and respectfully exiting conversations. Less attractive girls have less experience dealing with guys in general.

Men and women have radically different experience with dating. Women get hit on so often that they develop experience rejecting men.

Ever since she hit puberty, an attractive woman has dealt with all kinds of guys approaching her, checking her out, making suggestive comments. By her 18th birthday, odds are she’s already had six years of this happening every single day. Compare that to a typical 28 year-old guy who’s hit on 100 girls in the last year: she has way more experience under her belt.

Regardless of how experienced you think you are, I promise she has more experience rejecting guys than you have being rejected.

But remember that most of the time women are being hit on by guys they don’t want to talk to. That’s good news for you. You’re not a construction worker catcalling her as she walks down the street, you’re not an intimidating sociopath, and the better you get, the easier for you it becomes to read the social signals she’s sending nonverbally.

And if you were wondering, I finally did get a number on camera. Here’s the footage. Notice my horrific outfit, bad posture and general dorky-ness.

If you have a good eye for reading women’s reactions, you probably noticed that this girl was not into me at all. This is the classic example of a pity number. She just gave it to me because she didn’t want to make me feel bad, especially on camera! Needless to say, she never responded to my texts but hey, I got the video.

Here’s one tip that I use all the time when asking for a girls number to alleviate any awkwardness. Just say “Give me your number or if you don’t like me, give me a fake one.” She will always giggle. It turns the taboo number exchange into a laugh which can only strengthen a connection.

Stop caring what other people think…or don’t?

by Tyler W Leave a Comment

Think of all the things you could accomplish if you didn’t care what other people think. In an ideal world, you could flip a switch in your brain to do this, start taking bigger risks, and reap the rewards.

That’s why on the surface, “stop caring what other people think” is a great piece of advice.

But as is usually the case, reality is more complicated than a piece of rah-rah self-help oversimplification.

So what’s my problem with this idea?

The problem is that caring what others think is ingrained in human nature. We evolved in tribes with less than 150 people. If you were ostracized by your group, it meant you had to live on your own without any support. And that means you’re probably going to die, because our ancestors depended on cooperating when they hunted and gathered food.

When I first started studying the social psychology principles we teach at Inner Confidence, I came across the piece of advice to be “internally validated.” There were times when I fell into a trap that a lot of guys encounter, but no one really talks about. It’s impossible to always be internally validated, and when I felt myself seeking others’ approval, I beat myself up more for not being internally validated. Ironically I ended up worse off than if I had never known the concept in the first place.

Don’t get me wrong- every action you take should be a step on a journey towards more internal validation. But give yourself permission to be human. If you find yourself seeking or even craving the approval of others, it’s completely normal. If you don’t care at all what other people think about you, it means you’re a sociopath or a psychopath.

What’s the alternative?

If you’re able to flip a switch and stop caring what other people think, more power to you. Do it and don’t overthink it.

But for guys who struggle with caring what other people think, that’s difficult. So here’s my suggestion:

Live your life based on what matters to you and what you want to achieve. Don’t compromise on your values based on what others might think.

Pay attention to the times when you’re worried about what others think, and then do whatever it is you want to do regardless of their judgement.

Seeking Validation

There will always be times when you seek validation from others. Like we discussed, it’s in our genes as a result of humans’ tribal evolution as hunter-gatherers. The goal isn’t to eliminate this tendency altogether, because that’s impossible. The goal is to be aware of it and turn it into something that helps you.

The problem is that we evolved to care what 150 people in our tribe thought of us. If you didn’t care what that tribe thought of you, they would ostracize and exclude you, and you would die. That’s the biological reason we care what other people think.

We’re in a completely different environment now. Our brains aren’t wired to effectively respond to the social realities of 2017. That has advantages and disadvantages.

I look up to Robbie as a mentor and a boss. I look up to my family. I have positive friends in my life and I want them to respect my actions. I want to do things that make all of these people happy, and I’m fine with this. Yes, I’m seeking their approval or validation. I share their values, so if they’re happy with the actions I’m taking and the way I’m living my life, then there’s a good chance I’m on a good path.

Unlike most people who passively seek the approval of others without giving it any thought, I’ve consciously determined that these are the people I care about receiving validation from. And I’m rejecting most of the norms that society forces most people into believing, like accepting the standard 9-5 job and career path, or the standard relationship trajectory that American culture endorses.

Define clearly the people you care about and what you want them to think, then don’t worry about the rest.

Who are the people you are happy to seek validation from?

The good news about your dating life

by Robbie Leave a Comment

When I was a kid I spent 10 years doing nothing but practicing golf. I was a +2 handicap at one point (2 strokes better than scratch) and an All-American in college. I just thought I was just lucky to find a good coach because I worked with John Anselmo, who taught Tiger Woods from age 12-17. I also thought I was blessed with a natural swing thanks to my ice hockey skillz.

After I discovered The Game in 2006, I figured getting good with women and making crazy money would come easy too. I didn’t realize that I got better at golf by doing NOTHING but practicing and playing EVERY DAY for 10 years.

I was ready to hustle hard, but the more bootcamps I took the worse with women I got. I started doing goofy things like dressing like a weirdo, trying to jam girls into deep conversation and connect with them so hard they would cry. I started listening to stuff like The Secret, going to a million self-help seminars, making vision boards and even going to see psychics and visionaries. If someone was offering a magic pill I bought it.

As you can imagine, I got nowhere. I was trying to optimize everything at once, which meant I was neglecting the fundamentals.

But then I got tired of being overwhelmed by all the contradictory advice out there. Rather than spend endless hours sorting through it to identify the BS versus the stuff that worked, I picked one method and shut out everything else.

At this point I developed several skills that set me apart from other guys. I think the two game-changers were my willingness to do whatever it took to get ahead, and my focus on the fundamentals. I went out at least five nights a week for years, hitting on every single girl I thought was cute. I day gamed constantly.

The number of times I heard “I have a boyfriend” in a single year is higher than the number of times most guys even approach in their lives. By being willing to face rejection thousands and thousands of times, I eventually reached the point where I can attract gorgeous women simply by being myself, and I will never have to settle.

The Good News
So what’s the good news about your dating life? First, let me tell a quick story.

Two guys are walking in a jungle. Suddenly, they see a tiger in the distance chasing after them. But the first guy stops and pulls a pair of running shoes out of his bag.

“What are you doing? You can’t outrun a tiger,” the second guy asks.
“I don’t have to outrun a tiger. I just have to outrun you.”

You’re the first guy. You have running shoes, in the form of the advanced social hacking and dating skills that we discuss on the Leverage Podcast and the blog.

Every other guy is the second one, and he’s going to get eaten by the tiger.

The good news about your dating life is that you don’t have to be perfect to get the results you want.

Ask any woman about her frustrations with dating, and she’ll tell you that most guys are painfully terrible:

They don’t have their basic grooming handled, like shaving, cutting their nails. It’s way more common than you’d expect.
They don’t know how to dress, wearing clothes that don’t fit, or they follow outdated trends that give away the fact they don’t have hot women in their life, otherwise those women would help them dress better.
They compensate for being bland and boring by trying to buy a woman’s affection through gifts and spending money, or they brag about how rich they are.

Keep in mind that dating is a zero-sum game, which means that in order for you to win and get a hot cool girl, other guys have to lose.

But what that means is that you just have to be better than the other guys you’re competing with. You don’t have to be perfect at everything.

Being Dynamic
Author and cartoonist Scott Adams (the creator of Dilbert) describes two paths for attaining extraordinary results:

Become the best at one specific thing.
Become very good (top 25%) at two or more things.

Option 1 requires you to be world-class at one skill, which takes a lifetime to develop. For every Taylor Swift (my not-so-guilty pleasure) there are a million other wannabees who will never get there.

Option 2 is easier by far. I’d even argue that for dating, it’s more effective than Option 1. Being dynamic, or the top 25% in multiple categories, does enough to make up for flaws in other categories.

Real success is about becoming attractive to women, not just learning how to attract women. So if you’re not the richest guy but you’re an amazing chef with impeccable style, most women won’t be thinking about your (lack of) wealth. Or if you’re an amazing conversationalist with a minimalist travel lifestyle, you can get away without having a 6-pack.

A lot of the advice out there is aiming at perfection at the margins, like analyzing what you should say in conversations in rare hypothetical situations (the mistakes I made when I first started improving my dating life). Instead of getting hung up on minutiae, go about improving your dating life like a sport, where you’ll get the quickest gains from getting exceptional at the fundamentals (like what I did with golf):

being in good shape
being a good conversationalist
having a good social circle
traveling
having a solid career
having a good style
knowing how to orchestrate dates

Ignore the tiny, meaningless improvements, like memorizing countless opening lines for hypothetical situations at a nightclub. To take a metaphor from the financial advice space, it’s like focusing on cutting out $3 lattes when you’re neglecting the fact that you could ask your boss for a $5k/year raise or start a side hustle that could earn you hundreds of dollars every month.

Have you ever heard the saying don’t let the perfect be the enemy of the good? Nowhere is this more true than when you’re learning how to be better with women. You don’t have to be perfect. You just have to be exceptional in a few categories and crush your fundamentals.

Dealing with discomfort

by Tyler W Leave a Comment

What I’m about to say is sad, but not very controversial: most people would experience mild discontent with their situation than face the discomfort that’s necessary for improving their lives.

People just don’t want to tolerate discomfort, even if they have a guarantee it’s temporary.

Getting into shape is a prime example. Unhealthy people tend to know that getting into shape requires eating healthy, and physical exercise. The failure to act isn’t caused by a lack of information. It stems from an unwillingness to feel uncomfortable. Eating healthy is uncomfortable. Working out causes physical pain. Both of these are a struggle, and only when you choose to accept that the process is not going to be comfortable can you get into shape.

Most people make decisions based on how comfortable they think they’ll feel in given situations. This is why most people aren’t satisfied with their lives. Comfort is a terrible metric for pursuing a life of fulfillment.

Making excuses

Originally I intended to write about how you need to stop making excuses, but that’s not even it. The better advice is to stop letting the excuses you make prevent you from taking action.

Making excuses is normal. It’s a function of the human problem-solving mind.

What’s key is taking action despite those excuses. Don’t let excuses keep you in your comfort zone. People often think they need to be confident before they can face rejection or discomfort, but that’s backwards. First you do the thing outside your comfort zone, then you gain the confidence.

Especially when we’re talking about forcing yourself out of your comfort zone to improve your dating life, there is NO reason to hide any part of who you are from the world. You’re not doing anything wrong or shameful and you’re not violating the rights of others. You can make the decision to be completely honest and open with everyone. Vulnerability is tough, but it’s empowering. It’s how we grow. And if others are not upportive of your decision to improve your life, then the only thing they deserve from you is distance.

Get specific about your discomfort

When I advise that you should be willing to be uncomfortable, it might make sense but it’s still an abstract concept. To make it actionable, it’s helpful to put yourself in a difficult situation then ask yourself: “what sensations am I experiencing right now?”

When I feel anxious about approaching a girl, the main thing I feel is a racing heartbeat. Sometimes my throat gets dry and my hands get sweaty. It’s so much easier to approach if I can ask myself “Are you willing to feel a racing heart and sweaty palms for a couple minutes in order to get better talking to girls?” That’s an easy yes. When you can get very specific about what being uncomfortable means to you, it’s way easier to face than a big abstract concept like “approach anxiety.”

Emotional avoidance is an important idea to think about. When we do not want to feel our emotions, we try to push them away. It works in the short term, but emotions are like water in a pipe. You can block the pipe, but the pressure only increases until it eventually bursts.

Clean emotions versus dirty emotions

A great concept from the intersection of mindfulness and psychology is that of clean emotions and dirty emotions. Clean emotions are the feelings that come up for us naturally. Dirty emotions are what we get when you try to fight those clean emotions. The concept borrows from the Buddhist concept that while suffering is optional, pain is an inevitable part of life. In short, as turn our pain into suffering by resisting it, we turn clean emotions into dirty emotions.

For example, if I experience a rough breakup with my girlfriend, it’s natural and normal for me to feel sad. When we experience loss, we grieve the loss with a healthy sense of sadness, a clean emotion. However, if I were to fight that sadness by getting angry I feel sad, or worry about it and cause myself anxiety, that’s turning it into an unhealthy dirty emotion. One definition that distinguishes between sadness and depression is that when we fight feelings of sadness we become depressed. Depression is sadness plus avoidance.

An example from dating: it’s normal to feel fear when you’re approaching an attractive woman, but when you tell yourself that you shouldn’t feel that fear, it multiplies it.

Instead of classifying emotions as positive or negative, try classifying them as clean or dirty. Every emotion can be useful, even the painful ones. If you use your emotional intelligence then they can provide you with information about how you’re responding in your situation.

Research has shown that the people who are the most successful are those who have a 5:1 ratio of positive to negative emotions. Seeking psychological flexibility and wholeness is always better than blind positivity. Attempting to be happy and positive 100% of the time is a recipe for delusion and failure. Remember the ratio: 80% should be your goal.

Along the same lines, a study published in the Journal of Experimental Psychology has shown that emodiversity, or a life in which one experiences a balance of different emotions, is associated with better mental and physical health.

Get better; don’t be good

Top performers and athletes from all kinds of endeavors or sports tend to have one psychological factor in common: a growth mindset.

A growth mindset is built on the goal to “get better.” The opposite of a growth mindset is a fixed mindset, which centers on the thought “be good.” When facing a difficult task, beginners often want to “do good,” coming at it with the mindset of worrying about how well they’ll perform.

There’s a great quote from Carlos Gracie Sr., one of the primary developers of modern Brazilian jiu-jitsu: “There is no losing in jiu-jitsu. You either win or you learn.”

Your challenge is to approach with the goal of “getting better.” Forget “being good,” because everything you do provides feedback. Every approach you make puts you one step closer to becoming a social beast. Every time you experience discomfort, you make it a little bit easier for the next time you’re in that situation.

The satisfaction, inspiration, and motivation that comes with going after your goals is an order of magnitude more valuable than actually achieving them.

What’s the point?

Connection and companionship are what bring purpose and meaning to our lives. If there’s anything in this world that’s worth experiencing some temporary discomfort for, it’s learning how to create genuine connections.

Oneitis and the 3-Step Cure

by Robbie Leave a Comment

Let’s talk about oneitis. This should feel familiar to every guy: you fixate on one specific girl, put her on a pedestal, and imagine the mental or logistical hurdles you need to overcome to get her. Often it occurs with a girl who isn’t fully sold on you yet, or maybe even has rejected you already. It leads to added pressure and makes it almost impossible to succeed.

In his book The Erotic Mind, Jack Morin details the “erotic equation”: attraction plus obstacles leads to excitement. Guess what happens when you create this kind of excitement with a woman you aren’t in a committed relationship with? Painful mental anguish, and worse, a halt to your progress as a man.

1. Recognize it for what it is

In the first six months of dating or meeting a woman you’re attracted to, you don’t actually fall in love with her. You fall in love with your idealized image of her. Truth be told, you don’t even fully know her.

We have an image of our ideal woman, and the type of person who can “make us happy.” Oneitis occurs when we find someone close to that image and we subconsciously squeeze them into the mold, trying to force the relationship. If she has a healthy relationship style (what social psychologists call secure attachment), she’s not likely to reciprocate your feelings because she barely knows you.

It’s crucial to remember that these are other human beings with their own flaws and their own internal worlds. During the first six months you can’t possibly know everything about them. You can’t accurately project what a future with them would be like, no matter how crystal clear that image may appear in your mind. Jumping into a relationship with someone quickly because your mind is telling you she’s “the one” is a perfect recipe for a toxic relationship.

So stop and say to yourself “Okay, I know she seems awesome right now, but I don’t know everything about her. She’s also just a normal person, and these feelings will change over time. If we dated for a long time, there’s a good chance we’ll get to a point where we argue over who has to take out the trash like so many other couples. Or maybe she has a dark past that I know nothing about.”

2. Flirt with everyone

You need to play the numbers game so you develop an effective abundance philosophy. You should be hitting on every girl you see, ALL THE TIME until you stop doing this. Face rejection over and over until you’re not afraid of it.

Flirting takes practice and you need to be doing it consistently to see results. Flirt with everyone. Playfully tease your friends, be sarcastic (but not condescending), lie and get caught, and use every other tactic we discuss for flirting. Practice this stuff and it will come out when you need it.

You’ve heard me say it over and over, but if you expect to get results and you’re not crushing approaches or already dating multiple women, it’s just not gonna happen.

The more I think about it, the simpler it gets. Being a guy who can get girls requires a mixture of the right amount of vulnerability and assertiveness, and the skill to recognize which situations call for which. Guys who can’t attract women aren’t being assertive enough. Guys who can’t connect with women aren’t being vulnerable enough. Oneitis is a clear indicator that you’re not being assertive enough.

I know that when you’re feeling oneitis, this is the last thing you want to do. I know it’s painful. You’re not the first guy to experience this and you’re certainly not the last. Not a lot of guys will admit they’ve experienced it, and it’s more common among young guys than you might expect.

It’s part of the process, and you ultimately determine if you want to learn from it and move forward or get stuck.

3. Strengthen your friendships

The hard truth is that you’re experiencing this because you’re lonely. Loneliness might not be the singular cause, but throw an intriguing woman into a petri dish of loneliness, and oneitis is sure to grow.

Craving the affection and the attention of one specific girl is a mental strategy to combat loneliness. Everyone experiences some level of social disconnection; it’s simply part of the human condition. You experience oneitis when your mind creates a fantasy world to fight that sense of disconnection, and you project that fantasy on the women you meet.

Step 2 was to begin approaching other woman, and that works because it creates a philosophy of abundance. Strengthening your friendships with both men and women works in a different way: this strategy attacks your pervasive loneliness.

Cultivate meaningful relationships in your life other than dating relationships. You need to fill the void in yourself (that can’t be filled by another person) with meaningful pursuits and fulfilling friendships. Connect with guys who share your interests. Focus on your hobbies and do them with other people.

Build your own sense of identity, community, and purpose, rather than hoping for a woman to take away all your problems.

Putting it all together

Frantic obsession over someone you barely know is not healthy.

Yes, that feeling of meeting someone new who seems AWESOME can be fun. But don’t let that feeling cause you to place others on a pedestal. It’ll only prevent you from improving as a person: it makes you self-conscious, worry that you’re not good enough, not commit to approaching, walk on eggshells, and get desperate.

The best thing you can do is express yourself and be as sincere and authentic as possible. Be vulnerable, express yourself, and be assertive. That can filter out people who you wouldn’t be happy with, and take off your rose-colored glasses.

How to up your conversation game in less than an hour

by Robbie Leave a Comment

Lately it seems like there are two categories of questions I get asked more than anything else: conversation skills and texting. And you could argue that texting questions fall under conversation skills- texting feels like a different language, but all the principles of conversation skills apply to texting.

Guys often tell me that their mind goes blank in the middle of a conversation. How do you stop running out of things to say?

We all want to know how to make someone feel truly heard and listened to. What if you could provide someone with that rare experience they’re likely to remember you for?

We know that putting people on a pedestal destroys our ability to connect with them. But that’s so abstract. What is the actual antidote for approval-seeking behavior?

I’m very pleased to welcome Dan Chang of the Friend Formula to the Leverage Podcast. In this episode, Dan answers these questions and dives deeper into what drives effective conversations.

Dan is an expert on communication and the psychology of how we build lasting relationships. But more importantly, he’s also an expert on breaking down this psychology into practical tips. He starts out the episode with three steps you can start using right away to get out of your head and into the present moment, no matter how nervous you feel in a conversation.

That’s just the tip of the iceberg. The practical gems continue for 55 minutes, so there you have it: how to up your conversation game in less than an hour.

My favorite part is when Dan shares his formula for developing new relationships by transitioning from small talk to deeper topics of emotional connection. You’ll learn to navigate the four phases of a conversation: cliches, facts, opinions, and feelings. Trust me, this framework is a game-changer.

Check out the podcast now and start upping your conversation game right away.

The Minimum Effective Dose for day game

by Robbie Leave a Comment

Most guys know what it’s like to struggle with conversation skills during a day game approach. How many of these feel familiar?

The “I have a boyfriend” response
Only getting brief responses
Not knowing where to take the conversation (“I run out of things to say”)
Having boring conversations

If you can relate to any of these, it doesn’t automatically mean you’re doing anything wrong. It comes down to a different problem: having a day game conversation is really fucking difficult.

I’ve had a LOT of day game conversations and I’m really fucking comfortable having them, but they are still hard, even for a seasoned veteran like me! If you’re really good at it, it can be a more effective way to meet women than via bars, online dating, or any other method. I’ve met everyone else in the dating industry, and here’s the thing, even for these guys who are really fucking good, it’s difficult.

Day game is essentially forcing a conversation with someone who wasn’t expecting to have one. Your challenge is first to get them to want to have that conversation, second to enjoy it, and third to neutralize their social programming about talking to strangers.

So we know that day game in its simplest form is difficult. Trying to have an extended conversation during day game is even more difficult.

The Antidote

I first thought about this idea after I noticed that a lot of my clients were struggling in their day game conversations. So by using the concept of leverage, I figured why not eliminate the conversation altogether?

Looking back on all my approaches, the path of least resistance from approaching to getting a phone number and from texting to setting up a date occurred when I didn’t try to connect at all. I didn’t even try to have a conversation.

It was the simplest version of the word-for-word templates I advocate for guys to use. All I would do is walk up to a girl and say “Hey, I saw you and had to risk embarrassing the hell out of myself to come over here and flirt with you. I’m Robbie. I promise I’m only one third creepy. I’m in a rush, but I think you should give me your number, and if you don’t like me, give me a fake one. I’ll never know the difference.”

I hand her my phone, get the number, and I’m out. You don’t even have to get her reaction or wait for a response. They’ll hopefully smile and laugh, maybe give their name, and then they’re going to put their number in your phone.

That’s the whole conversation.

It takes 20 seconds to a minute to deliver. The psychology behind it is simple:

You’re being direct. Because most guys aren’t ever direct, you demonstrate your confidence.
You’re calling out the fact that you’re doing something that’s a little bit strange and socially awkward by saying you’re risking embarrassing yourself.
You’re showing her you’re not creepy, because the “1/3 creepy” line communicates “I’m not creepy because I know type of approach is a little bit creepy.”
You’re removing her worry that you’ll linger and force a conversation she doesn’t want to have by telling her that you’re busy and you’ll let her quickly get on with her day.
You’re getting her phone number without any pressure by telling her to give you a fake number if she’s not feeling it. It’s direct, it’s nonchalant, it’s fun, it’s flirty, and it works.

This is simple to execute. If you’re struggling to have conversations during your day game approaches, use this minimum effective dose. That’s it.

If you’d like to learn more about the day game protocol, check out our podcast episode on Social Media. We talk about why this simple version of day game is the best, and how to move the interaction forward using social media after you’ve gotten the number.

You Should Watch Dating Shows

by Robbie Leave a Comment

You guys should be watching TONS of dating shows.

I’ve watched almost every episode of Blind Date, Millionaire Matchmaker, Elimidate, Singled Out, etc…reality TV’s finest programming.

I’m sure I picked up a million how to’s, do’s and dont’s, and pop culture references. If you’re not consistently meeting women this is a must do. And guess what, these shows are immensely entertaining so this exercise is easy. While nerds were playing Starcraft, I was watching reality dating shows.

Watching dates is one of the best ways to study human psychology. It is politically incorrect, fascinating, and brutally honest, all at the same time.

For example, watch Episode 12 of Millionaire Matchmaker with Sheree and spot all the problems. Here’s one Leverage Program member’s analysis of the whole episode, and he nailed it:

Girl 1 – Tall blonde girl. Cool. Well traveled. Plays sports. Blah blah.
Girl 2 – Project manager chick. Enthusiastic about traveling. I forget the rest.
Girl 3 – Ballet chick. Connected with all his biographical details. “I played tennis.” “Love spending time with my family.” Well-played.
Girl 4 – Drummer chick. Lives with mom. Fun.

Girl 3 got picked because she knew what the guy wanted and connected with him on all those points. Nothing the other girls could really do honestly since they didn’t have as much in common with this dude. I need to be a baller so girls fight over me on TV. Life goals.

Date was good because they made a solid connection that wasn’t forced. Doing the fun thing at beginning was cool to lighten the mood. It’s kind of dumb at the same time because the girl is already into him before he even meets her, so it’s basically a layup. Not really realistic compared to real life unless you have power or a cool social circle. More life goals.

Dude 1 – Smiley guy. Chill. Asked her age. Probably had no chance anyway.
Dude 2 – Producer. Laid back. Connected with her on traveling. ‘Am I the winner’ joke was funny. Finally that bitch smiled.
Dude 3 – Opened by making her feel kind of special. Removal of sunglasses after first couple sentences while maintaining eye contact was cool. He’s chill.

Dude 3 is a beast. He was cool and knew how to connect with her.

On date, dude is always in a good mood. He’s cool. Definitely smashes a lot. Painting while drinking wine was a cool date idea. I want to do that sometime. Sheree is painful. Cold and ruining the flow. I like when she tried to tell him to tell her a joke and he was basically like “nah, I don’t play myself.” Too many red flags with this woman. She’s cold. Stay away.

Note the difference between the men/women who get selected and the ones who don’t. Why did he choose her? Why did she choose him?

One of the biggest insights of dating is how few people look at it from the other person’s perspective. This is really hard, so putting effort into improving your pattern recognition here is a great use of your time.

Where You Should Be Meeting Women

by Robbie Leave a Comment

It’s Friday night and you’ve got your dancing shoes on, except you don’t actually care about dancing tonight- you’re single and you are going out to meet women.

You and a buddy are trying to decide where to go. “There’s a new club that just opened, kinda a hipster scene, but the chicks are hot, bro!”

“I’m not into hipster chicks, but whatever…If they’re hot, let’s go check it out!” you respond.

Sound familiar?

Places like that are a waste of the limited free time you have!

Busy guys quickly forget how much the environment of places we go out to affects our ability to meet girls. I know that for me personally, it used to be an ego thing. I wanted to be able to get different types of girls, and I wanted to be good at meeting women everywhere. But for every smoking hot alternative chick I took home, I’d waste a couple of nights getting rejected hard.

So why not make it easier and pick spots where you can meet women that match the characteristics you’re looking for?

Girls do this already! Girls who want to meet black guys go to places with good hip-hop, girls looking for a Latin adventure do salsa, and gold diggers hang out in Canary Wharf.

So just go to places where women are looking for guys like you!

It took me years to get this simple concept (well, I still screw this up from time to time, but I’m getting better), but once I realized it, meeting women became so much more efficient. In my case, I like to date hot lawyers/doctors/accountants, so I hang out at nicer bars that are quiet enough to have a conversation.

So, where could you be successfully meeting women?

1. The train/metro station – She’ll be so impressed you had the courage to approach! If she’s single, it’s usually not too hard to walk away with a number in less than 2-3 minutes (wouldn’t want you to miss the train).

The fact that she’s standing there during rush hour gives you a lot of useful information: She has a job, she’s doing something with her life, she’s probably open to dating guys with serious jobs. And you have a much better idea of what she looks like in the bright lights of a station compared to a dimly lit club.

2. Cocktail bars/lounges – If you’re looking to meet someone classy, go to a classy place. These places have softer music which make conversation easier, and you’re not going to find anyone throwing up in the toilets (until your friends start buying Jaeger).

You’re also more likely to find someone who is employed. The best part about a lounge is that you’ll occasionally find the type of woman who almost never parties who was dragged out by her friends. If you want to stay away from party girls, these places are great!

3. Bars and clubs with a niche – I live 5 minutes away from this awesome whiskey bar, and it seems like whenever I go there, there’s a gorgeous girl who’s out with male colleagues and patiently waiting for some guy to come to come keep her company.

So although the bars a block away from the local university may have have cheap drinks, a 2-dollar cover charge and a bunch of hot college chicks, these girls aren’t gonna talk to you unless your Spotify is 50% the Weeknd (I really hope it isn’t).

4. Out and about during the day

Want to feel an unstoppable sense of social freedom? Learn to meet women during the day while they’re going about their daily business. Even though it violates social norms (don’t worry, we have a way around that), one of the best ways to meet women is to approach them during the day and playfully initiate a conversation.

There’s no competition, you encounter the hottest women possible, and you demonstrate your confidence in a way that most guys never even imagine is possible.

Make life easy on yourself and think before you go out! Just because a place has hot girls, it doesn’t mean they’re gonna be hot for you.

Match your personality traits and your strengths to the types of venues where the women you want to meet spend time.

Embarass Yourself to Overcome Social Anxiety

by Tyler W 2 Comments

One of my favorite Inner Confidence exercises is our social freedom exercises. We do things like lie down in a crowded public area, pretend to text on our phones in a crosswalk until the light turns green and we get honked at, and go to Chipotle and ask for free guacamole. Pictured left is Leverage Program moderator, doing a social freedom exercise during this year’s EuroTrip in Budapest. The point of these exercises is to embarrass yourself in public and learn to deal with whatever reaction you get.

There’s actual psychology behind it: the original cognitive-behavioral therapist Albert Ellis invented the concept in 1968 and called them shame-attacking exercises. They’re an amazingly effective way to overcome social anxiety, and for guys who want to give less of a fuck.

Most people overestimate the costs associated with making a social mistake. They think that if they appear incompetent, crazy, or obnoxious, the results will be drastic and they won’t be able to handle it.

Social freedom exercises prove that most guys’ thoughts about this are wrong. When you do the exercises, you’ll usually find that a lot of people don’t even notice or care. If you lie down in a public place, rather than being shamed, most people won’t even notice you, or at the most they’ll walk around you.

We’re all the star of our own movies, and we don’t really care what’s happening in other people’s movies. People don’t care about you as much as you think they do. They’re probably busy looking at their phones anyway.

Having intentionally awkward conversations, like asking random strangers where the nearest STD clinic is, isn’t as painful as most guys expect it to be. In fact, a lot of times these conversations are hilarious and guys walk away laughing at their newfound social freedom and lack of concern about rejection.

Knowingly violating social norms is a powerful way to overcome your fears.

It’s amazing what you get just by asking. While the point of these exercises is to increase your social freedom, some of them teach another lesson. Most people don’t ask for what they really want. They walk on eggshells, trying to avoid inconveniencing or offending others, when in reality, other people are more than happy to help out.

This morning at Coffee Bean, I asked for a discount on my coffee. The barista gave me a polite no. It didn’t work out that time, but at least I asked.

Later in the day, I took an Uber ride with what must have the world’s most mediocre driver. He decided that taking the freeway would be too efficient, so he randomly exited and doubled the length of the trip. After the ride, instead of just saying “oh well, that’s life,” I asked Uber to give me a credit for my time. It wasn’t like he was completely terrible, but hey, why not ask?

Asking paid off!

There are countless examples that arise in daily life where most people don’t ask for things they can probably get:

If you miss a credit card payment and incur a late fee, you can usually get it removed by calling and asking
If you call your cable company, you can often negotiate a lower rate by having them match a competitor’s price
If you always ask for discounts at stores and restaurants in a funny way, you’ll sometimes get them
If you’re friendly with the airline desk agent, you can get free upgrades when there’s space on the place

What other examples can you think of for developing social freedom and getting free stuff? Post in the comments below.