Texting Archives - Inner Confidence

Text Breakdown: First date was awesome but scheduling a second date is a challenge.

Context: Met on Tinder, missed getting together for like 3 weeks, finally went out Friday.

She was pretty touchy, made out in uber on way to bar #2, closed out bar 2, it’s 2am and she was going to come home with me but also had to be at work at 6:30 so ended up going home on her own instead, good call.

She was a little drunk and kinda toppled over outside the bar when we were figuring out what to do, dragged me down with her, it was hilarious.

Really like this chick a lot and she seemed enthusiastic but now don’t know where I stand.

I let it sit for for today, she never got back to me about her schedule.

Robbie’s Responses:

I think you made a mistake by not going home with her or taking her home. You let logistical hurdles like work get in the way.

I understand you were trying to do the right thing and make sure she isn’t late for her job but is that really your responsibility? She is the one getting fall over drunk 4 hours before she has to be in the office, or so she says… Clearly she didn’t really care about work that much and was enjoying your company more.

Not to mention, this is Tinder, the easiest hook up app of all time. She says “We could have fun tonight, but I pulled the plug.” Sounds like a hint that if you would have been more decisive and took her home, you would have had fun.

“But this doesn’t have to be the end, I’d have only let us have 60ish percent fun based on your curfew and our sidewalk adventure.”

Thanks Captain White Knight, Save a Ho, Dad!

Here’s a great strategy for girls you meet on Tinder who get wasted and drunk on a work night: Make an insecure comment about this being the end, remind her of her curfew and how you are a law abiding citizen, and tease her getting too drunk. Sigh…

But hey, at least she’s texting in the morning and looks like she was late for work anyway, given the 07:53 time stamp.

Joke about wrists and hospitals – GREAT!

But then you go and explain your joke “Actually I’m fine.” Oh really?!?!

I thought you were really hurt. Good joke Dad!

“I’m glad you’re mostly ok…”

Of course she is ok, why say this?

“Had a really good time…”

She knows you had a good time.

“I’d even consider doing it again.”

This is a joke and obvious sarcasm but your prior jokes followed by explanation are so bad that you risk her thinking that you might be serious and the biggest captain obvious of all time.

“It’s not bad at all, I’m more embarrassed than hurt.”

Duh… notice how your overly protective nice guy texts encourages her to explain this. Menos puntos for you sir.

“Aw, don’t be. It was a pretty solid date, you remember most of it right.”

^NEEDY AF

Rather than being chill and letting her wonder about you, you are ruining all the mystery by texting back and forth about the parts of the date that will make her feel potentially bad about her behavior.

Dark humor… probably best to stay away from early on. High risk, minimal reward.

You’d still be better off saying nothing and remaining a mystery given what has transpired.

Don’t over text!

You’ve demonstrated that you will probably create friction and cockblock her from a fun, drunken hookup if you go on a school night. She wants to fuck and she knows you want to fuck. So what are her options if she really thinks this through? She could:

a) See you on a weekend. If she has a life this won’t sound like a great option because no one with a life schedules 1st or second tinder dates on weekends.

b) Schedule for a useless school night (Monday/Tuesday) and then have second thoughts when the day approaches because she doesn’t want a repeat of the last date. Suggesting you go home early together, or having a date at your house or hers might make her feel like a slut, so she’s probably not gonna do that. But she knows you won’t do it, so that’s more reason to flake.

More evidence that this girl loves to get drunk and clearly isn’t too concerned with her career!

She’s drunk at a bar and you are jamming her into conversation about callback humor from your date. Chill out man! Save it for date #2, if she shows up for it.

I’d give it about a 50/50 chance.

Prior to all this subpar texting you were probably 95/5 to get the second date.

But you could have said everything you needed in 2/3 texts instead of a novel. It all shows over-eagerness, friction to fun and a general nice guy, boring, dad vibe.

I have a feeling this isn’t what a girl who drinks back to back on Sunday and Monday night who you met on Tinder is looking for.

The texting mistake most guys make

by Robbie Leave a Comment

cellphone Text game isn’t really an effective strategy to get girls attracted to you. It’s designed for one thing: to get her face to face with you again.

After you met when you got her number either in person or online,she feels some way towards you on. Let’s put it on a scale of 1-10, with 1 being she has no interest and it was a pity number, and 10 being she wants to have your babies.

If she’s not flirty back, doesn’t ask any questions, or doesn’t drive the conversation, then you have to guess she is somewhere between a 3-6. A 1 or 2 wouldn’t respond, would reject you, or be extremely curt. A 7+ would be much more engaging. If she’s between a 3-6, there’s a good possibility she’s talking to a bunch of dudes and you’re not at the top of her list of interest.

Trying to force conversation and humor over text will have the opposite effect many times because you’ll be overgaming which looks needy and try-hard.

The best approach in this situation is to avoid overgaming and gauge her interest based on how she responds to going out with you. If she is a yes, she’s probably a 5-6, and the needle will move favorably when you see her if you don’t suck.

If she isn’t very receptive to the date, she’s a 3-4, and you’re basically dead until your paths cross again randomly or she re-initiates contact. Another approach, which is even stronger but takes tighter game, is to never ask a girl out in the first place who is below a 7 on this scale.

Instead I attempt to stay top of mind via Instagram/Snapchat and see if they engage in a flirty enough way to warrant an invitation. If I feel like they are 6-7 I will invite them to group things. If it’s 7+ I’ll be more inclined to invite them out solo.

Once a girl is investing, your texts don’t have to be super witty and over the top. In fact, once she is attracted to you and considering meeting up, it’s actually disadvantageous to continue joking around.

Meet her where she’s at: mirror her level of investment.

Think of the tone of your texts on a spectrum of cool and casual to over the top witty. Where you are on the scale depends on how the in-person interaction went and how attracted she was. If you had a solid connection in person, it isn’t as necessary to be witty, so you should be more casual and send more vibing texts.

On the other end of the spectrum, if you had a short interaction either at a bar or during a day game approach, you need to sell her on your personality and give her a reason to be interested and wanting to meet up. This is where the wittiness, memes, and entertaining texts are useful. Being needy is a killer, but you need to invest more in this situation.

Robbie at the 21 Convention: The Most Underrated Way to Communicate With Women

by Robbie 3 Comments

It’s finally here! The long-awaited video of Robbie Kramer’s latest 21 Convention speech is up.

Why do I get nervous when I text girls?

by Tyler W Leave a Comment

blonde-texting

This question was asked by a member of the Leverage Program

Question: Why do I get nervous when I text girls?

There are two ways to deal with being nervous when you text girls. Keep in mind that your ultimate goal isn’t to stop being nervous, it is to text the right things to advance the relationship.

1. Using mental strategies to talk yourself out being nervous. While it’s natural to get nervous when you text due to overthinking it, a lot of your progress will just come with experience. The more reps you put in, the more familiar you get used to texting girls, so it stops being a big deal.

Part of reducing your anxiety also comes from expertise: having good mentors and using the advice from Inner Confidence will make you more confident in what you’re sending. When you know you’re making the right moves, you don’t feel as nervous. When we tell you don’t be boring or tedious in a conversation, you avoid the standard interview conversation because it’s boring, and the result is that you become less nervous about what you’re texting.

While we could discuss other mental strategies at length, like strategies for managing your self talk, by convincing yourself it doesn’t matter, there are more girls, etc. you’ve probably heard a lot of these strategies already. While they do work, in reality, the most effective tactic is…

2. Being busier and having more girls in your life. Guys who are successful with women don’t get nervous sending them texts because they always have other options. They have other stuff going on in their lives, so they don’t have idle time to sit and ruminate about why one girl isn’t texting they back. Simply put, they don’t have the time to overthink a text.

Part of why you’re feeling nervous texting these girls is because you’re putting too much weight into each individual interaction. Focus on the process of improving your texting skills, rather than worrying about how each interaction goes. If you worry about the results instead of focusing on the process, then you mess up the process.

Avoid the Over-Gaming Trap: How to Know When to Pull Back

by Robbie Leave a Comment

There’s an art to knowing when to game and when to push back. Too often I see cool dudes hitting it off with a girl at a bar, she’s really into him, and he just doesn’t know when to transition to the next phase of the interaction.

Are you guilty of over-gaming?

What is Over-Gaming?

I see over-gaming all the time, but one recent experience comes to mind as especially aggravating. I almost broke my cell phone over this guy’s head because it was so annoying.

The dude was just trying too hard to be funny; he was pushing everything too much. In this case, he was speaking to what was a clearly well educated, slightly snobby French-Moroccan doctor. She was into it at first, until he started making penis jokes.

There’s a time to make penis jokes and a time to not make penis jokes. Around a 21-year-old party girl, the penis joke might be funny. A snobby French-Moroccan doctor? Not so much.

Intermediate Problems

Generally speaking, the problem of over-gaming is an intermediate problem. It’s something I experienced when I was doing a lot of banter and flirting. I would take it too far because I didn’t know when to shut up and shift gears.

To be clear, I’m not talking about role-playing. I spent hours at a bar once with a girl I had just met role-playing that we were husband and wife. She called me Jefferson and I called her Chloe – it was great and we laughed our asses off.

I’m talking about the funny, flirty, witty conversation that should really only last for the first few minutes before you transition into something a little more intense.

Know When to Pull Back

Once you’re in, stop gaming. One of my buddies hit it off with a girl in a bar not too long ago. They didn’t sleep together but they exchanged numbers with the intention of hanging out again later.

Fast-forward three days. She texts him a message that says, “Hey, are you going out tonight?”

At this point, it would be a mistake to continue gaming her. She’s already interested. If you keep gaming her, it will seem desperate and lame and she’ll lose interest instantly. He responded, “Come meet me. I’m going to Renee’s.”

He knows that he’s golden. His only job at this point is to not screw it up, so he goes into pre-event defense and plays it neutral. Why? Because she’s pursuing him, and if he doesn’t act like an idiot, he’ll have a great night that could potentially end in sex.

The Lesson: When she starts pursuing you, it’s time to stop gaming. If you don’t, it will push her away. Know when to stop and you’ll see results.

Hitting On A Girl At The Gym

by Robbie Leave a Comment

A Leverage Program member asked:

Met a girl in the private apartment gym tonight. I just finished working out and she walked in and went to the treadmill so I also went to the treadmill.

I opened her with “Wanna race?” We talked for about 15 minutes and I invited her to go bike riding sometime. She asked if she can use one of my extra bikes. I realize that I deviated from the standard protocol by asking her for a bike ride instead of a bar or coffee date and Robbie said that these type of dates are good second dates. It’s just that I felt that she was more likely to say yes to that. It felt more like a natural continuation of walking on the treadmills and talking and in doing so I did not feel like I was doing a date surprise on her: “We’ve been having a nice conversation for 15 minutes but SURPRISE I just want to take you to the bar.”

Can you guys please help straighten me out on this? I was thinking of texting her “Hey Katie, it was random meeting you at the treadmills last night. I totally won the race, btw.”

Great question. Here’s how you’re going wrong:

If she wants to hang out with you, it should be because she is attracted to you and she wants to spend time with you. Otherwise she’s just gonna think you’re a homosexual who wants to go bike riding with her.
What value does “nice chatting with you or nice meeting you” bring to a text interaction? It’s lame content. Why not follow the protocol and send her the flip the script text…oh wait, you can’t because you were never direct and now you’re in a weird spot with her.See how that works? When you show no sexual intent you enter into no man’s land. Sounds like this was just a boring conversation at the gym. I would send something more aggressive to see where you stand with her. “Hitting on you at the gym yesterday made my workout far less boring, and destroying you in that race was also a nice confidence booster. I probably owe you a drink or something 🙂“
If you’ve been vibing and having a good conversation for 15 minutes, why would meeting for drinks be out of place? The actual content you discussed is just the surface level of the interaction. If she actually likes you because your body language and conversation skills are strong, she doesn’t care if you ride bikes or grab drinks. She just wants to get to know you and the activity doesn’t matter.If your conversation was only about treadmills and riding bikes, then you try to hang out with her and just ride bikes, it’s very possible that she thinks you just wanted a workout buddy.
The first date is not just for them. It’s also for you to make sure she’s worth investing any more time, money and energy into. It’s harder to evaluate that on a bike 😉

Texting Advice: Should You Send Her Sexual Texts?

by Robbie 1 Comment

Here’s another example:

“Did you get my text?”

by Robbie Leave a Comment

One of our Leverage members, Tom, recently posted this text exchange in our group and asked for feedback.

Backstory from Tom:

I met a hot Mexican hottie yesterday. She spoke broken english with a sexy accent. I was at Jumpstreet trampolines with my kids. Alondra gets to the place with 4 kids at the same time as us. I had fun talking to her in line and found her watching me do 6 back flips in a row.

She said I could sit down with her at her table. We laughed and had a connected conversation. She gave me her number and said she was to busy with her kids to date anyone right now with her 5 year old and 50 hour work weeks. Hmmm should I follow up with a meme?

Tom’s Question:

If she has kids 24-7 and no time to date should I invite her and my kids to our first date or keep it all separate? Ice her. Call her. Text her one last time
-Tom

Here are our response:

1. Hot Mexican Hottie: other than the redundancy of Hot and Hottie, this was discussed with last ‘Texas hottie’. Dudes crushing ‘hotties’ don’t talk this way.
2. ‘My treat’. I’m 99% sure you did this before and we crushed you for it. First, no shit it’s your treat- that’s assumed when you ask a girl out. Second, it sounds ultra desperate.
3. Did you follow up ask her out after she no responded to your first text?
4. Did you text her at 9:45am?! After texting her at 9pm w no response?
And now you are contemplating a meme?
Lemme get this straight- your plan on getting this girl is to send three texts to her zero?
What % of the time that guys send the first 3 texts to her zero do you think they sleep with that girl?
-Justin

Great critique. Thanks Justin. No meme or third text. I’ll just ice her sounds good.
-Tom

Just to clarify. Icing implies that she is texting you and you aren’t responding, which is what she is already doing to you. You can’t ice someone who is already icing you, lol. Any girl who says she is too busy to date anyone is her code for “I’m too busy to date you, because I’m not attracted to you.”
-Robbie

Stop asking if she got your text! It’s 2015, your text went though. Every single time I see you do this, I cringe.
-Patrick

Meeting kids is usually considered a serious step in a committed dating relationship. Not appropriate for a first date. As Robbie described, she’s not providing legitimate obstacles why she can’t date you; she’s providing socially acceptable excuses to avoid saying “I’m not interested” which is uncomfortable and socially awkward.
-Tyler

With this sort of feedback, Tom will become a pro at texting in no time. It’s crazy how bad I used to be. I would send cringeworthy stuff like this regularly. The importance of texting in our dating culture is incredibly overlooked.

To learn more, download the free Texting Ebook.

Cheers,
Robbie

6 Keys To Optimizing Your Tinder Profile

by Robbie Leave a Comment

Tinder recently came out with a new controversial update called Tinder Plus.

Most love it, and the cheapskates hate it…

I’m gonna show you to use it for maximum efficiency to improve your dating life.

These features of Tinder Plus include:

The option un-swipe someone, or “rewind”, if you didn’t mean to swipe left and reject them.
Unlimited likes.
Passport Mode – You can swipe with people around the country. This is great if your traveling because it allows you to setup dates before you show up in a new city. This feature alone makes the monthly fee worth it.
The one new aspect that has caused ire is the fact that older users of the service will have to pay more than their younger counterparts.

I don’t think it’s all that big of a deal that Tinder is making a buck or two. They provide a valuable service and why shouldn’t they get paid for getting people laid?

It’s amazing how we are conditioned. We will gladly wait hours in line to to pay $500 for an iPhone every two years but paying $5 for an app that we use constantly is travesty! That is a whole other tangent but the new Tinder costs about $10/month for the under 30 crowd and $20/month if you’re over 30. That’s a drink or two at the bar, get over it!

Before I get into the “how to optimize your Tinder profile” part of this article, I need to throw out this disclaimer.

DISCLAIMER: If you are reading this post as a girl I’ve taken out on a Tinder date in the past, don’t hate, I told you I was a dating coach so what do you expect?! LOL

Besides, I’m doing women a favor by increasing the amount of attractive guys on Tinder. The more options the better, right?

Photos

Choose 6 photos (the maximum) from your Facebook profile. Your pictures should tell a story.

Your pictures should portray you as a well-dressed, social, well travelled, cultured, dynamic guy.

Women love a man in a suit, just not “a suit” meaning thats who you are. Id avoid a suit being your intro pic.
Women love athletic guys- get a pic in of you being active. If you are in good shape use a pic that shows this, but doesn’t reveal that you are trying to show this i.e. shirtless random pic
No shirtless pics unless you are doing something active where its normal to be shirtless. Just don’t make it obvious you are posting a shirtless pic to show off your six-pack.
Maximum of one selfie
No pictures with you and another girl your age (your mom or grandma is fine if your other pictures give off the “bad boy” vibe. If you look like a dork, don’t put up a picture with your mom)
Avoid posting pics of you with other better looking, taller guys with similar features. It will make you look less attractive
No more than one picture with a group
You also want one headshot style pic. Here’s a Pro-Tip: Be sure to squint ever-so-gently. Portrait photographer Peter Hurley developed this squint technique for his photo-shoots and PhotoFeeler ran tests that proved the slight squinting made men look more attractive. Here’s an example showing the wide eye look versus the squint. The wide eye subject being more fearful, vulnerable, and uncertain versus squinty being more confident, competent, and influential.

Here are my Tinder pics:

I chose this photo to show I have a dog, I get out of the house and I’ve been told its a very good picture of me.

I chose this photo to show I have friends who also dress well, lol.

We are also in Germany but it’s hard to tell.

(Face is blurred to protect the innocent)

This is the standard squinty eyed headshot style pic.

Next is a pic of me after winning our beer league championship hockey game. Please send all autograph requests to my agent 😉

This gets exceptional love from the Canadian ladies.

Next up we have a pic of me giving a presentation in a blazer.

Shows that I can dress up and I have a job.

I’ve heard that women dig guys with jobs.

And finally, a picture with my two beautiful grandmothers!

I swear, girls LOVE this picture.

About 50% of the women that message me ask about it. Who doesn’t love a guy with strong family ties that takes good care of his grannies?

Your Bio

Avoid height if you are short, but include if you are tall.
Make it clear, concise, funny, action/info packed.

Here is mine:

Or you can choose to forego a bio and make a claim about the world we live in instead.

Examples:

“If you participate in SantaCon you should be publicly stoned”

Had a ton of girls open me with “OMG SantaCon is so annoying blah blah blah”

“I am on my period, if you are looking for a cheap hookup, sorry it wont happen!”

Got tons of love for that. Give them something shocking that resonates, evokes emotion, something that people feel very strongly about either way.

Instagram

You can also share your Instagram profile by putting Instagram: “your username” at the end of your bio.

Women love Instagram, so having a cool Instagram profile attached to your tinder can give you a few bonus points and make you more credible and trustable.

If you don’t have an instagram, follow me so you can get a good idea of the type of pictures I post. Mine is: inner_confidence

Using Tinder Efficiently

Tindering can be a huge waste of time, you can waste hours looking at pictures of girls you will never meet.

Your goal is to get matches, phone numbers and dates as efficiently as possible.

You do this by only looking at her first picture and swiping yes or no.

Only swipe yes for girls you really find attractive to avoid wasting time. If she’s not attractive in her first picture, you can bet the others won’t be any better.

You will be notified immediately if you get a match, but resist the temptation to check out her other photos on the spot, just keep swiping.

If it’s a group pic, a cartoon pic or anything else indistinguishable I swipe left. Odds are she is not attractive if she is posting that nonsense as her main pic.

Once you have about 10 matches, its time to investigate further and send a message if she makes the grade.

Passport Mode

Start swiping in the city you are traveling to about a week in advance.

Keep in mind that this will make it obvious that you are looking for a vacation hook up.

Some women will be turned off by this idea and that is ok!

Others are looking for exactly the same thing and those are the ones you want to be talking to.

No need to be ashamed about this, everyone knows that in most cities Tinder is basically a sex app.

How To Message

If you want to learn exactly how my friends and I message with women on Tinder and steal all the witty lines we use, download a free copy of The Tinder Guide.

You’ll learn:

How to open the conversation and improve your chances of getting a response.
How to flirt and lead the conversation, even if she isn’t giving you much to work with.
When and how to ask for the number and how to follow up via text.
Examples and screenshots of exactly how to implement these strategies.

Happy Tindering,

Robbie