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WTF does confidence even mean? I know I need it, but how do I get it?

If you don’t feel confident in your dating life, it says nothing about your character. It’s just an indication that you need more practice so you can stack more wins.

There’s a lot of nonsense out there on what confidence is, or what it takes to develop confidence. Confidence is the thoughts and feelings that result from a series of wins stacked together. It’s your expectation of how you’ll perform in a given situation, and it’s different from self-esteem, which is your overall evaluation of yourself.

I was reviewing Mate by Tucker Max yesterday and found a brilliant definition of confidence:

“Confidence is the realistic expectation you have of being successful at something, given (a) your competence at it and (b) the risk involved with doing it.”

Confidence ONLY comes from experience. “Fake it till you make it” is a bad long-term strategy because no matter what you tell yourself, your brain subconsciously creates a metric that assesses whether or not you’ll do well in this situation with reasonable accuracy.

However, in some cases, the idea of “Fake it until you become it” applies. One of those cases is with improving your body language, which Amy Cuddy brilliantly describers in her famous TED Talk:

Unfortunately, there is no faking out your own psyche when it comes to how confident you feel about your abilities. You can’t lie to yourself, yourself is smarter than you are, LOL, confused yet? I am. Anyway…

If you step up to bat against a major league pitcher, you know that the best guys in the world are getting a hit 30% of the time, and getting on base 40% of the time. How confident should you be if you don’t play baseball? What if you played in high school or college? Anyway you look at it, your confidence isn’t gonna be very high!

You develop a higher level of confidence in any domain when it’s something you’ve done often, when you’ve failed over and over, and when you’ve achieved some success. When you learn what works and what doesn’t, you develop an accurate assessment of how you’re likely to perform in any situation.

If you keep practicing and the wins aren’t coming, it means you’re practicing in the wrong areas, getting bad advice, or you have blind spots you’re unaware of. Don’t keep doing the same thing over and over, hoping for a different result. That’s crazy. Get some coaching, learn proven methods of success, and practice those methods. That’s the only way to develop confidence over the long haul.

Let’s talk about rejection.

What most guys don’t realize is that women don’t actually want to reject you. They don’t enjoy it. They have no desire to make you feel bad about yourself, they are only doing their best job of exiting an interaction that doesn’t interest them.

If they aren’t attracted to you, their goal is to signal to you in the least awkward and offensive way possible that you should move on. Unfortunately, most guys don’t pick up on these signals.

Common Signals of Rejection:

1. The first hint occurs when she communicates with a passive businesslike manner and avoids eye contact. This is when you get one-word responses and she doesn’t actively engage with anything you’re throwing out there.

2. If you persist, you’ll get the cold shoulder. This is what’s occurring when guys interpret women’s behavior as subtly “cold” or “bitchy.” She starts going from passively rejecting you to being actively dismissive.

3. Finally, if you haven’t gotten the message by this point, she’s likely to say something that you interpret as condescending, rude or mean. She’s doing everything she can to get you to leave.

The thing to remember is that this behavior isn’t really about you, because most women constantly get hit on really poorly. They’ll frequently encounter sociopathic guys who have no fear of rejection. These guys will walk up and say whatever they want. Their confidence occurs from the lack of a biological fear response, so they have no calibration to her signals.

The other common uncomfortable way women get hit on is by guys with poor social skills. Guys who can’t pick up on social norms, like guys with Asperger Syndrome, come across as creepy to women because they’re oblivious to the signals women are sending and they keep on pushing. Like guys with sociopathic traits, this is a category of guys that women have to go out of their way to send signals of rejection.

Should I hit on less attractive girls?

Back in 2007 when I was working through the requirements to become an approach coach for Pickup101, I needed to get an infield hidden camera video where I got a number or instant date on camera- a daunting task. I spend an evening walking around the UTC Mall in La Jolla and hit on 32 women.

I got the “I have a boyfriend” line 32 times. I vividly remember letting a few approach opportunities with the hottest girls go because I felt like I had less of a chance with them. But after 32 rejections, I was completely annoyed and on the verge of feeling straight up angry.

Finally, on the 33rd approach I was able to get a girls number, but the audio didn’t work. I really wanted to destroy those stupid wireless microphones- I was so angry I needed to break something to release my frustration. But I got some Zen calming advice from my cameraman and called it quits that day.

We later traveled up to West Hollywood for the weekend and hit up the Beverly Center for more approaches. The talent in LA was way better than in San Diego, and even when I get rejected the girls were way sweeter about it.

It dawned on me that the hotter the girl, the more experience she has rejecting guys. Because of this, the idea that you should “warm up” by talking to less attractive women is a silly one. Doing so will only lead to harsher rejections, because you’re dealing with a girl who doesn’t have as much experience confidently and respectfully exiting conversations. Less attractive girls have less experience dealing with guys in general.

Men and women have radically different experience with dating. Women get hit on so often that they develop experience rejecting men.

Ever since she hit puberty, an attractive woman has dealt with all kinds of guys approaching her, checking her out, making suggestive comments. By her 18th birthday, odds are she’s already had six years of this happening every single day. Compare that to a typical 28 year-old guy who’s hit on 100 girls in the last year: she has way more experience under her belt.

Regardless of how experienced you think you are, I promise she has more experience rejecting guys than you have being rejected.

But remember that most of the time women are being hit on by guys they don’t want to talk to. That’s good news for you. You’re not a construction worker catcalling her as she walks down the street, you’re not an intimidating sociopath, and the better you get, the easier for you it becomes to read the social signals she’s sending nonverbally.

And if you were wondering, I finally did get a number on camera. Here’s the footage. Notice my horrific outfit, bad posture and general dorky-ness:

If you have a good eye for reading women’s reactions, you probably noticed that this girl was not into me at all. This is the classic example of a pity number. She just gave it to me because she didn’t want to make me feel bad, especially on camera! Needless to say, she never responded to my texts but hey, I got the video.

Here’s one tip that I use all the time when asking for a girls number to alleviate any awkwardness. Just say “Give me your number or if you don’t like me, give me a fake one.” She will always giggle. It turns the taboo number exchange into a laugh which can only strengthen a connection.

The Minimum Effective Dose for day game

by Robbie Leave a Comment

Most guys know what it’s like to struggle with conversation skills during a day game approach. How many of these feel familiar?

The “I have a boyfriend” response
Only getting brief responses
Not knowing where to take the conversation (“I run out of things to say”)
Having boring conversations

If you can relate to any of these, it doesn’t automatically mean you’re doing anything wrong. It comes down to a different problem: having a day game conversation is really fucking difficult.

I’ve had a LOT of day game conversations and I’m really fucking comfortable having them, but they are still hard, even for a seasoned veteran like me! If you’re really good at it, it can be a more effective way to meet women than via bars, online dating, or any other method. I’ve met everyone else in the dating industry, and here’s the thing, even for these guys who are really fucking good, it’s difficult.

Day game is essentially forcing a conversation with someone who wasn’t expecting to have one. Your challenge is first to get them to want to have that conversation, second to enjoy it, and third to neutralize their social programming about talking to strangers.

So we know that day game in its simplest form is difficult. Trying to have an extended conversation during day game is even more difficult.

The Antidote

I first thought about this idea after I noticed that a lot of my clients were struggling in their day game conversations. So by using the concept of leverage, I figured why not eliminate the conversation altogether?

Looking back on all my approaches, the path of least resistance from approaching to getting a phone number and from texting to setting up a date occurred when I didn’t try to connect at all. I didn’t even try to have a conversation.

It was the simplest version of the word-for-word templates I advocate for guys to use. All I would do is walk up to a girl and say “Hey, I saw you and had to risk embarrassing the hell out of myself to come over here and flirt with you. I’m Robbie. I promise I’m only one third creepy. I’m in a rush, but I think you should give me your number, and if you don’t like me, give me a fake one. I’ll never know the difference.”

I hand her my phone, get the number, and I’m out. You don’t even have to get her reaction or wait for a response. They’ll hopefully smile and laugh, maybe give their name, and then they’re going to put their number in your phone.

That’s the whole conversation.

It takes 20 seconds to a minute to deliver. The psychology behind it is simple:

You’re being direct. Because most guys aren’t ever direct, you demonstrate your confidence.
You’re calling out the fact that you’re doing something that’s a little bit strange and socially awkward by saying you’re risking embarrassing yourself.
You’re showing her you’re not creepy, because the “1/3 creepy” line communicates “I’m not creepy because I know type of approach is a little bit creepy.”
You’re removing her worry that you’ll linger and force a conversation she doesn’t want to have by telling her that you’re busy and you’ll let her quickly get on with her day.
You’re getting her phone number without any pressure by telling her to give you a fake number if she’s not feeling it. It’s direct, it’s nonchalant, it’s fun, it’s flirty, and it works.

This is simple to execute. If you’re struggling to have conversations during your day game approaches, use this minimum effective dose. That’s it.

If you’d like to learn more about the day game protocol, check out our podcast episode on Social Media. We talk about why this simple version of day game is the best, and how to move the interaction forward using social media after you’ve gotten the number.

The Words Don’t Matter

by Tyler W Leave a Comment

When you’re walking up to a girl and meeting her, your first impression is crucial, but there’s one step here that I see a lot of guys mess up. They’re so nervous that they forget to use the same social skills they use in all their other interactions.

When you’re nervous, your intelligence drops. Your fight or flight system gets triggered. You get overly literal and hang onto every word she says. Contrast that to a conversation you have with a close friend or a family member. In these interactions, you’re able to read the emotions beneath their words.

If you came home and said to your roommate “Hey Johnny, how was work today?” and he responds tersely, “It was fine,” you know that he was pissed off because you’re detecting the emotional context beneath his words.

But we forget to use this same skill when we’re around a hot woman.

It’s not that people are consciously lying, but in today’s world it’s rare for people to express the brutally honest truth. You get responses like “It was fine” or “I’m good,” when often what people mean is “Today was whatever. Nothing good happened. Nothing bad happened. I’m just saying ‘fine’ because it’s the programmed response I’m expected to say.”

Picture this: a day game interaction where you walk up to a girl and say “Hey, I saw you standing here and I had to risk embarrassing the hell out of myself to come meet you.” She doesn’t smile or laugh, but responds “Ok. Now what?”

You’re nervous and stumble over a response. “Uhh… now, uhh… now…” You’re at a loss for how to answer her question “Now what?”

But here’s the thing: she didn’t really ask you that question. She doesn’t care about your answer. What she did was give you an emotional reaction. If you read beneath her words for the underlying emotion, she’s not actually asking anything, but expressing that she’s feeling unimpressed.

The best thing to do here is to call it out by playfully delivering an honest statement like “You look like you’re not very impressed.” Calling it out allows her to connect with you, because people connect via shared emotions. She’ll probably laugh because you were able to accurately identify her feelings.

Social communication is built on the expression of emotions, not facts. When you connect by sharing emotions, you build a deeper connection, and your conversation partner feels more comfortable being honest. Sharing deep truths about ourselves starts with small things and escalates as both people get increasingly comfortable. This only happens when there are shared emotions.

If you were correct in your assessment of her emotions, she may follow up with something like “No, I’m sorry I was rude. I’m just having a bad day.” This is an opportunity to have a vibing conversation. “No worries. Hopefully the random guy hitting on you on the street is making your day better. I’m Robbie.”

This sparks a deeper, more connected, honest conversation. She’s more attracted and you’re more confident. That’s the goal!

It’s rare that I see guy who hasn’t done a ton of approaches speak to a woman’s emotions. Instead, he just speaks to her words, so his approaches don’t go anywhere, and he can’t understand why.

You never want to be stuck in a surface-level conversation or asking logical questions that don’t matter.

To really get good at connecting with high value women, you need to understand what they’re saying beneath their words. If every guy could flip that switch to speak to emotions instead of what’s on the surface, not just with women but with everyone, communication in our society would be easier.

If you compare North America and Western Europe to other societies like Eastern Europe or South America, the social communication differences are striking. These cultures value direct communication. This is in contrast to North America, where people have thin skins and are afraid to have their feelings hurt. Everyone walks on eggshells with an artificial sense of politeness.

The result is that no one ever feels uncomfortable, but at the same time, everyone is disconnected. Male-female dynamics are complicated. Business dealings are difficult. It slows down any interaction where direct communication is needed to get from point A to point B.

How do you speak to someone’s emotions instead of their words?

To identify someone’s emotions, read their facial expressions, vocal tonality, and body language. While you’d have no chance of doing this if you were an alien visiting Earth, modern neuroscience has shown that the human brain naturally has this ability. It’s just a form of pattern recognition that you can tap into with practice. Watching movies is one example of how to practice, as is watching dating shows, or even practicing meditation to get in touch with your own emotions.

There are also two books that everyone should read to speed up their progress: What Every BODY is Saying by Joe Navarro, and Emotions Revealed by Paul Ekman.

Want to have an easier time connecting? Stop focusing on the words people are explicitly saying, and instead listen for the emotions they’re expressing beneath the surface.

You Should Watch Dating Shows

by Robbie Leave a Comment

You guys should be watching TONS of dating shows.

I’ve watched almost every episode of Blind Date, Millionaire Matchmaker, Elimidate, Singled Out, etc…reality TV’s finest programming.

I’m sure I picked up a million how to’s, do’s and dont’s, and pop culture references. If you’re not consistently meeting women this is a must do. And guess what, these shows are immensely entertaining so this exercise is easy. While nerds were playing Starcraft, I was watching reality dating shows.

Watching dates is one of the best ways to study human psychology. It is politically incorrect, fascinating, and brutally honest, all at the same time.

For example, watch Episode 12 of Millionaire Matchmaker with Sheree and spot all the problems. Here’s one Leverage Program member’s analysis of the whole episode, and he nailed it:

Girl 1 – Tall blonde girl. Cool. Well traveled. Plays sports. Blah blah.
Girl 2 – Project manager chick. Enthusiastic about traveling. I forget the rest.
Girl 3 – Ballet chick. Connected with all his biographical details. “I played tennis.” “Love spending time with my family.” Well-played.
Girl 4 – Drummer chick. Lives with mom. Fun.

Girl 3 got picked because she knew what the guy wanted and connected with him on all those points. Nothing the other girls could really do honestly since they didn’t have as much in common with this dude. I need to be a baller so girls fight over me on TV. Life goals.

Date was good because they made a solid connection that wasn’t forced. Doing the fun thing at beginning was cool to lighten the mood. It’s kind of dumb at the same time because the girl is already into him before he even meets her, so it’s basically a layup. Not really realistic compared to real life unless you have power or a cool social circle. More life goals.

Dude 1 – Smiley guy. Chill. Asked her age. Probably had no chance anyway.
Dude 2 – Producer. Laid back. Connected with her on traveling. ‘Am I the winner’ joke was funny. Finally that bitch smiled.
Dude 3 – Opened by making her feel kind of special. Removal of sunglasses after first couple sentences while maintaining eye contact was cool. He’s chill.

Dude 3 is a beast. He was cool and knew how to connect with her.

On date, dude is always in a good mood. He’s cool. Definitely smashes a lot. Painting while drinking wine was a cool date idea. I want to do that sometime. Sheree is painful. Cold and ruining the flow. I like when she tried to tell him to tell her a joke and he was basically like “nah, I don’t play myself.” Too many red flags with this woman. She’s cold. Stay away.

Note the difference between the men/women who get selected and the ones who don’t. Why did he choose her? Why did she choose him?

One of the biggest insights of dating is how few people look at it from the other person’s perspective. This is really hard, so putting effort into improving your pattern recognition here is a great use of your time.

Where You Should Be Meeting Women

by Robbie Leave a Comment

It’s Friday night and you’ve got your dancing shoes on, except you don’t actually care about dancing tonight- you’re single and you are going out to meet women.

You and a buddy are trying to decide where to go. “There’s a new club that just opened, kinda a hipster scene, but the chicks are hot, bro!”

“I’m not into hipster chicks, but whatever…If they’re hot, let’s go check it out!” you respond.

Sound familiar?

Places like that are a waste of the limited free time you have!

Busy guys quickly forget how much the environment of places we go out to affects our ability to meet girls. I know that for me personally, it used to be an ego thing. I wanted to be able to get different types of girls, and I wanted to be good at meeting women everywhere. But for every smoking hot alternative chick I took home, I’d waste a couple of nights getting rejected hard.

So why not make it easier and pick spots where you can meet women that match the characteristics you’re looking for?

Girls do this already! Girls who want to meet black guys go to places with good hip-hop, girls looking for a Latin adventure do salsa, and gold diggers hang out in Canary Wharf.

So just go to places where women are looking for guys like you!

It took me years to get this simple concept (well, I still screw this up from time to time, but I’m getting better), but once I realized it, meeting women became so much more efficient. In my case, I like to date hot lawyers/doctors/accountants, so I hang out at nicer bars that are quiet enough to have a conversation.

So, where could you be successfully meeting women?

1. The train/metro station – She’ll be so impressed you had the courage to approach! If she’s single, it’s usually not too hard to walk away with a number in less than 2-3 minutes (wouldn’t want you to miss the train).

The fact that she’s standing there during rush hour gives you a lot of useful information: She has a job, she’s doing something with her life, she’s probably open to dating guys with serious jobs. And you have a much better idea of what she looks like in the bright lights of a station compared to a dimly lit club.

2. Cocktail bars/lounges – If you’re looking to meet someone classy, go to a classy place. These places have softer music which make conversation easier, and you’re not going to find anyone throwing up in the toilets (until your friends start buying Jaeger).

You’re also more likely to find someone who is employed. The best part about a lounge is that you’ll occasionally find the type of woman who almost never parties who was dragged out by her friends. If you want to stay away from party girls, these places are great!

3. Bars and clubs with a niche – I live 5 minutes away from this awesome whiskey bar, and it seems like whenever I go there, there’s a gorgeous girl who’s out with male colleagues and patiently waiting for some guy to come to come keep her company.

So although the bars a block away from the local university may have have cheap drinks, a 2-dollar cover charge and a bunch of hot college chicks, these girls aren’t gonna talk to you unless your Spotify is 50% the Weeknd (I really hope it isn’t).

4. Out and about during the day

Want to feel an unstoppable sense of social freedom? Learn to meet women during the day while they’re going about their daily business. Even though it violates social norms (don’t worry, we have a way around that), one of the best ways to meet women is to approach them during the day and playfully initiate a conversation.

There’s no competition, you encounter the hottest women possible, and you demonstrate your confidence in a way that most guys never even imagine is possible.

Make life easy on yourself and think before you go out! Just because a place has hot girls, it doesn’t mean they’re gonna be hot for you.

Match your personality traits and your strengths to the types of venues where the women you want to meet spend time.

Embarass Yourself to Overcome Social Anxiety

by Tyler W 2 Comments

One of my favorite Inner Confidence exercises is our social freedom exercises. We do things like lie down in a crowded public area, pretend to text on our phones in a crosswalk until the light turns green and we get honked at, and go to Chipotle and ask for free guacamole. Pictured left is Leverage Program moderator, doing a social freedom exercise during this year’s EuroTrip in Budapest. The point of these exercises is to embarrass yourself in public and learn to deal with whatever reaction you get.

There’s actual psychology behind it: the original cognitive-behavioral therapist Albert Ellis invented the concept in 1968 and called them shame-attacking exercises. They’re an amazingly effective way to overcome social anxiety, and for guys who want to give less of a fuck.

Most people overestimate the costs associated with making a social mistake. They think that if they appear incompetent, crazy, or obnoxious, the results will be drastic and they won’t be able to handle it.

Social freedom exercises prove that most guys’ thoughts about this are wrong. When you do the exercises, you’ll usually find that a lot of people don’t even notice or care. If you lie down in a public place, rather than being shamed, most people won’t even notice you, or at the most they’ll walk around you.

We’re all the star of our own movies, and we don’t really care what’s happening in other people’s movies. People don’t care about you as much as you think they do. They’re probably busy looking at their phones anyway.

Having intentionally awkward conversations, like asking random strangers where the nearest STD clinic is, isn’t as painful as most guys expect it to be. In fact, a lot of times these conversations are hilarious and guys walk away laughing at their newfound social freedom and lack of concern about rejection.

Knowingly violating social norms is a powerful way to overcome your fears.

It’s amazing what you get just by asking. While the point of these exercises is to increase your social freedom, some of them teach another lesson. Most people don’t ask for what they really want. They walk on eggshells, trying to avoid inconveniencing or offending others, when in reality, other people are more than happy to help out.

This morning at Coffee Bean, I asked for a discount on my coffee. The barista gave me a polite no. It didn’t work out that time, but at least I asked.

Later in the day, I took an Uber ride with what must have the world’s most mediocre driver. He decided that taking the freeway would be too efficient, so he randomly exited and doubled the length of the trip. After the ride, instead of just saying “oh well, that’s life,” I asked Uber to give me a credit for my time. It wasn’t like he was completely terrible, but hey, why not ask?

Asking paid off!

There are countless examples that arise in daily life where most people don’t ask for things they can probably get:

If you miss a credit card payment and incur a late fee, you can usually get it removed by calling and asking
If you call your cable company, you can often negotiate a lower rate by having them match a competitor’s price
If you always ask for discounts at stores and restaurants in a funny way, you’ll sometimes get them
If you’re friendly with the airline desk agent, you can get free upgrades when there’s space on the place

What other examples can you think of for developing social freedom and getting free stuff? Post in the comments below.

The 3 F’s: How to Become An Expert At Anything

by Tyler W Leave a Comment

I love when someone tells me that something is “simple, but not easy.” Many of the best things in life fit this saying. Fitness. Nutrition. Confidence. Meeting women. Day game. These areas have simple rules for success, and then they require hard work applying those rules.

Expert performance is the same way. It’s simple, but not easy. How simple? The path to becoming an expert can be broken down into three steps that anyone can understand and apply immediately.

1. Focus

This doesn’t mean a general sense of focus. This is referring to taking a microscope on the skills that comprise expert performance. In this step, you break down the skills required of an expert into components you can do repeatedly.

An example of this concept for approaching looks like this:

Describe signals women give off that demonstrates they want to be approached
Go out into the world and find women giving off these signals
Perform the hook and swoop
Deliver the 1,2,3 in a conversation
etc.

Another example from health and fitness- eating healthy:

Understanding what macronutrients are
Identifying your physique goals
Understanding what macronutrient composition you need to reach your physique goals
Learning the principles behind meal prep
Being able to prepare meals that will help you reach your health goals
etc.

Any individual skill that seems daunting to master becomes simple when you break it down into the tiniest components possible. Instead of asking big questions like “How do I get better at dating?”, ask little questions like “What is something I can do today in 5 minutes that will make me more attractive?”

2. Feedback

There are two ways to get feedback when you’re developing a skill. The first is to analyze your performance and pay attention to the result. If you go out and approach 15 women and 14 tell you that they have boyfriends, that’s a piece of information you can use to assess your skills. If you attempt a new type of joke in a conversation and get a big laugh from it, that’s another piece of information. Every micro-bit of information you gain in actual conversational practice teaches you something about whether your actions are working, or if you need to correct something.

The other method of obtaining feedback is to have a coach or mentor who can do this for you. Self-experimentation and practice is essential to becoming an expert, but it can’t ever happen at the same rate as when you work with a coach. Learning from a true expert gives you all the advantages of years of experience and highly developed mental models. They can take knowledge from their vast range of experiences and provide you with all the specific cues that you need to be successful.

Osmosis is a powerful concept that’s related. You gain feedback automatically when you surround yourself with people who are successful in the areas you’re working on.

3. Fix it

You get good at things by practicing your skills, applying them effectively, assessing the results, and by modifying as needed. Gaining confidence is a process of constant iteration. When you’ve determined your weaknesses, either on your own or with a coach, the next step is to figure out ways to address them.

This is actually a straightforward process when you’ve broken each skill into the smallest possible parts. If you say one line and you don’t get a good reaction, it’s easy to go out and practice that line multiple times, changing little things about it each time. You can change your delivery, you can change your facial expressions, and you can change the situation you deliver it in. By constantly iterating on this skill, you will slowly learn what works and what doesn’t work.

That’s how experts are created. The difference between an expert and a beginner lies in their mental models of their skill. Everyone has ideas about how a skill should be performed, and beliefs about the natural state of the world in relation to that skill. An expert just has much more thoroughly detailed mental models compared to a beginner, and the expert has a lot more models.

These models are developed through real-world feedback, the kind that the 3 F’s make simple.

The Value of Coaching We Often Forget

by Robbie Leave a Comment

Guest post by James, Leverage Program moderator

One of the biggest influences during my childhood wasn’t a part of my family, schooling, or friends. It was my soccer coach, Brian Malloy. As a child, I was always willing to listen to what he said. He was a major part of my life. He pushed me to be a better teammate, a better player, and to achieve success in and out of the classroom. My life would be drastically different without his coaching in my adolescence.

During adulthood, I lost the understanding of how valuable a coach can be. Growing up I needed people who saw the world differently and pushed me to be my best, so why not as an adult?

During my mid-20s, life started to stagnate. I thought I knew it all. I thought my career was great, I was in decent shape, and I was a great friend and lover. I was lying to myself.

I was not as successful in my career, fitness, and social and dating as I thought. My classroom was a mess, I was overweight and out of shape, and getting ZERO dates. But through coaching, I got my life back on track and pushed myself to be the man I strive to be.

I had several years of teaching experience and a master’s degree. At all outside appearances I was successful, but the feeling in my classroom was different. I had behavior management issues it was causing major problems for my students’ learning.

Craig Sini and I started working together. He was in my classroom every day and making observations. It was pretty excruciating to think I would be judged on a daily basis. However, his attitude was inspiring. I decided to let go and do what he said. I’d implement his suggestions and my class would improve. Through working with him, I slowly but surely developed into the teacher I wanted to be. He provided positive reinforcement, celebrated my successes, and pushed me to improve my teaching strategies.

At this time, I was overweight and disappointed with my physical health. My good friend Danny was constantly asking me to join Crossfit. One day I just said yes. After inconsistently going to the gy for the previous two years, I had a lot of work to do. My coach Steve was there to push me. I couldn’t do a pull-up when I first started, so he would place supports for me which were gradually removed until I could do one independently. He talked to me about nutrition, taking care of myself, and living a healthy lifestyle. He constantly provided feedback and was a positive support to get my health back on track.

Even though I was finding more success in these areas of my life, I was still struggling socially and in my dating life. Though I had never really been sold on the concept of a dating coach or a confidence coach, I met Robbie Kramer through a good friend, and it changed my life.

Simply by talking about my dating life, he forced me to be honest with myself. I was not dating the women I wanted to be dating. I was pushed to think about friendships and how I provide value. I was pushed to day game. Many times I would see a woman on the street, and have too much fear and lack of knowledge of what to say or do. Robbie not only gave me strategies but also pushed me to go out and do it. With his support and others in our group, I started getting more dates with women I want and created better friendships and relationships that have improved my life drastically.

(That’s Cameron, Robbie, me and Hippie together on the Leverage Trip In Budapest, Hungary)

As a child, I always understood the need for a coach. We need someone to make substitutions, design tactics, and push us to play our best. Now as an adult, I have come to understand the huge value of coaches in all aspects of my life. Craig pushed me to be a better teacher, Steve pushed me to improve my physical health, and Robbie Kramer pushed me to improve my social and dating life. All of them helped me live a fulfilling live based on my values, and be the man I strive to be.

Who is pushing you to be the man you strive to be?

Why Getting Rejected Is Good

by Tyler W 1 Comment

Why is rejection so scary?

Our society does a great job of instilling shame in men. Growing up as kids, and even into our adult lives, we’re told toxic messages that can hold us back for a lifetime.

Sometimes this shame originates from the people around us. Our parents or friends tell us these messages explicitly: that guy’s a player and you shouldn’t be like that. Or they could be more subtle messages from the media and movies: in order to get a girl to like you, you need to be nice and submissive.

People mean well when they give us this kind of advice. Despite their good intentions, they miss how these messages teach men that their desires are unacceptable, and that being masculine is a bad character trait. Compound this with all the men who have grown up without a strong father figure, and things get even worse.

As a result, men today are scared. They’re scared to approach beautiful women. They’re scared to be masculine for fear of stepping on toes. They’re scared to express who they really are. They’re afraid of meeting women. They live their lives devoid of meaningful companionships, opting instead for the comforting yet numb experiences of internet porn and video games. They walk on eggshells and don’t express themselves.

Men have become deathly afraid of getting rejected by women.

You don’t have to live this way.
It’s ok to be a sexual being.
It’s ok to want to sleep with hot women.
It’s ok to want to sleep with multiple women.
It’s ok to express your desires, feelings, and fears honestly and openly.
It’s ok to be rejected.

What’s the antidote for feeling scared and weak? It’s being a man and facing your fears head-on. With dating, that means getting rejected.

Learning to deal with rejection teaches you how to be a man. Part of being a confident, masculine being is accepting that sometimes things don’t go our way, and being composed when the inevitable disappointments occur.

Connection and companionship give more purpose and meaning to our lives than anything else. You must get rejected to find and create meaningful these relationships with women. Relationships are built on vulnerability. You can’t be vulnerable without risking rejection.

The ONLY way to get better with women is to get rejected more. I wish there was a “hack” or a way around it, but sorry, there just isn’t. Robbie is better with women than anyone you know because he has been rejected more times than anyone you know. And even a guy like Robbie will only expect to connect with about 3 or 4 women out of 10 during day game.

But if there was anything that’s close to a shortcut, it’s this:

The fear of rejection hurts more than actually getting rejected.

Anxiety doesn’t exist in the present moment. Anxiety is only something you feel about the future. When you’re actually feeling it in the present, it’s only fear, which is much easier to deal with. Any amount of fear is something you can and will live through.

The pain of rejection is a short-term experience. Pain is what you experience when you push yourself outside your comfort zone. Think of the struggle of a hard workout at the gym. It’s uncomfortable while you’re experiencing it, but it goes away. You become stronger as a result.

Our minds are amazingly skilled at (wrongly) anticipating how bad it would feel to get rejected. They jump to conclusions, and imagine the worst possible scenario where everyone is watching you, and where you’ll run into the girl you approached again and be embarrassed.

Fortunately, that’s not how it goes. A girl who isn’t interested moves on and forgets about the interaction. Unless you choose to ruminate on it, you do too. You learn something you can use next time. It’s never as bad as you expect it to be.

You will always thank yourself later for being vulnerable and improving your social skills.

There is rarely a downside to being assertive and asking for what you want. The happiest, most fulfilled men are the ones who go after everything they value in life, and it’s not a coincidence that these men are the ones that women are the most drawn to.

The men who get rejected the most are the ones who succeed the most, and so getting rejected is crucial to your dating success.

5 Ways To Always Be In Style

by Carly Leave a Comment

Women pay attention to your clothing. Your personal style can signal your positive, attractive traits, or it can repel hot women away from you. What’s the minimalist, easy way to make sure you always look good? It’s simple. Keep items in your wardrobe that will always be in style, and nail down your fundamentals.

1. The White Shirt
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Any combination of crew-neck/long sleeve or long sleeve/v-neck will work. Make sure you get a few of each style that works for you. White gets dirty easily, and to a woman, there’s nothing worse than meeting a nice guy and not being able to concentrate on anything but the red spaghetti stains dripping down his shirt.

2. Ditch the other stains too
I’ll spare the pictures for this one. However, If you have shirts that tend to show when you perspire, don’t wear them out. If you don’t know or its questionable, don’t wear them out… Stay with white, dark greys, dark blues, and black. If you perspire at an uncomfortable amount, look into some over-the-counter medicine or talk with a medical professional. This especially important during day game where she’ll notice the littlest imperfection in your outfit.

3. Dark wash jeans are your best friend
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While it’s true that black, white, khaki, and colored jeans can look awesome, they all go through their fazes of being “cool” or in style. Dark wash blue jeans are your one pair that will never have to leave you. I’d suggest investing a decent amount into these. The ones listed above you can get at Nordstrom for $82.00. Make sure to get “straight leg” versus skinny or slim fit.

4. You’re not 16 anymore, so keep your shoes cleaned
Pair of Dirty Worn Shoes Stacked on One Another Isolated on White Background.

Please, never wear old running shoes outside of the gym. Scoffs and dirty shoelaces can be cleaned with dish soap or hydrogen peroxide with minimal effort. Take the time to clean them so your shoes are always looking new. If they don’t look new after a good cleaning, it’s time to invest in a new pair.

5. Wear your Inner Confidence
The best thing you could ever own is you. Whatever outfit you’re in, no matter the setting, it’s important to carry yourself with a strong and confident demeanor. Especially when meeting women, always greet people with a firm, strong handshake. Look at people in the eye, and smile when they’re talking to you. Stay in good shape. Taking charge of your overall health is a necessary and admirable trait. If you believe you’re the best, other people will too.