Congratulations! If you’re reading this, you’re in the top 1% of the male population.
You don’t accept barriers to excellence and eschew the status quo. As you’ve likely learned, the process of being the best version of you is not an easy one.
This will elicit discomfort but which also has rewarding payouts.
One of the top concerns in the lives of most men is achieving a great physique. Let’s face it most of us were not gifted with the looks of Channing Tatum or Brad Pitt.
We cannot rearrange our faces for the better, change eye color or add height but we DO have the ability to build great fitness!
If you think this is difficult for you and you don’t have time to go to the gym, you can start with exercise bikes to build stamina.
As a former fat boy who is now in great shape, I’ve traveled the long and winding road through the many locked doors between us and top fitness.
There is much bad information, misinformation and downright falsehoods that are easy and tempting to fall for. I am sure you’ve all seen the shredded model on the cover of Mens Fitness with the cover declaring “6 Days To A 6 Pack…AND Eat Anything!”
Our fantasy side would love to believe in these magic feather claims but our logical side doth detecheth the strong odor of bullshit.
If you don’t have the body you want, don’t worry it’s nobody’s fault…but yours!
Think back to the movie Full Metal Jacket…
I am Gunnery Sergeant Hartman your senior drill instructor. From now on you will speak only when spoken to and the first and last words out of your filthy sewers will be sir. Do you maggots understand that?… Because I am hard you will not like me, but the more you hate me the more you will learn! I am hard but I am fair.
Now buckle up buttercup as henceforth I will tell you the secrets or more accurately the cold hard truth about putting on your big-boy pants and getting down to business.
Are you ready for the big secret reveal?
The big secret is…there is no secret.
Your results are wholly dependent on your commitment and consistency.
There is no easy way out, no magic supplement or food that Amazon rainforest tribes have used for centuries to be ripped.
Don’t blame your genetics either sweetheart.
Actual genetic disorders occur in maybe 1% (give or take) of the population. If you’ve been feeding yourself that excuse take a moment and punch yourself in the dick to reinforce a return to reality.
Okay, welcome back.
The Six P’s: Proper Planning Prevents Piss-Poor Performance. Create a plan in advance based on your goals while consulting with those who have expertise you don’t. Exercise is conceptually simple but functional application is not easy. Do you think your golf game could be excellent if you were “self-taught”? Phases of goal execution will likely be needed. You will not effectively be able to lose fat and pack on muscle at the same time. Can you train for marathoning and sprinting at the same time? Hint: If you are a little slow on the uptake the answer is no. If you fail to plan you are planning to fail.
Reality Check: Set goals that are challenging but attainable. Listen hon, if you are 300 lbs. and huff and puff traversing a parking lot, don’t expect to look like “The Rock” in 3 months. It’s best to start with sports equipment and outside exercise to slowly build your stamina and get ready for tough workouts.
That’s What Friends Are For: Your chances of making a transformation are much greater if you have a friend/workout partner to keep you accountable. You are endeavoring have an impressive body which takes impressive resolve AND a ton of consistent effort. Even better than a friend is to hire a great trainer. This will require a search as many of them are truly underwhelming and some flat out dangerous.
Eat Like A Dog: Do you feed your dog chocolate one day and turkey the next? Eat the same staple foods daily and pre-plan your macronutrients to fit your goal. What’s that you said? Oh you are KetoMan. Awwww, thats awfully cute shitbreath 🙂 Grab a mint, eat another lardball and get back to work. This reminds me of a point. If your ideal is Zac Effron in “Baywatch” while you are that guy who is always on about keto, paleo, carnivore, or purple hibiscus cocks from the banks of the Euphrates BUT Zac ate chicken and sweet potatoes for 6 months then…that’s right resume dick punching.
Stay Hydrated: You need to drink at least 50% of your bodyweight in ounces (up 75% for high-sweat days). For all you math whizzes that means if you are 200 lbs. you need at least 100 oz. which is about 3/4 gallon.
Spartan-Up: We all (when I say “we all” I mean you) have some volume level of an inner-bitch voice that whines “ouchie, this exercise sucks!” or “I don’t want to eat chicken and sweet potatoes again!” Shut that self-defeating inner voice down. Resistance training builds tissue via progressive overload. Translation: Perform exercises with perfect form at a given resistance. Then as tolerance comes, it’s time to increase that resistance to progressively overload the tissues (intentionally damaging them) so they are forced to repair and adapt. For you nerds out there this is called “Davis’ Law”. Gunnery Sergeant Hartman: “Do you feel dizzy, do you feel faint!?” If you do feel dizzy, faint, or pukey give yourself a pat on the back for a job well done. It must be uncomfortable. You must make peace with that or…enjoy your dad-bod!
Lose The Booze: The specific compound in so-called “adult drinks” that creates intoxication is Ethanol. Cars can run on it and it’s toxic to every cell type in your body. It tanks your Testosterone levels, contributes to bitch tits, contains empty calories and is a chemical depressant, so it’s not helpful to overall mental health. If you must imbibe, keep it to no more than 1x per week.
Test Your Test: Get blood work done if you are over 35 to measure your Testosterone levels. Low-T will leave you sluggish, depressed, bonerless and impede recovery. Make sure that the blood test measures total, bound, and free Testosterone. The free testosterone is an important indicator of your functional levels. You can be within normal limits for total-T but if not enough is free (bioavailable) then it won’t be able to work its magic.
Sleep: You need more than you think: 8-9 hrs. daily. This is when you rebuild and shorting it will stunt progress. There is a product called “Whoop” that seems to be the most current tool for measuring biometric data such as how much sleep you get eat night, heart rate, blood pressure etc.
Another Option: You can keep doing what you’ve always done and keep getting what you’ve always gotten. The good news is there are new shoes (true story bro) called Zebas designed to be put on without having to bend over for when you can no longer reach your feet. Have fun with your new slip-ons.
Parting thoughts: If you think of any questions pull the Magic Light Box from your pocket and ask my good friend Google. If you’re too emotionally fatigued to apply this advice, you should speak with a therapist at BetterHelp. Alternatively you could write Robbie a letter and mail it to 143 Kak-Dyela st. Kiev, UA