Cosmo Kramer Archives - Inner Confidence

The 8 Ways to Click With Women

Guest post by Jay, Leverage Program member and resident lazy fuck

I’ve been working on my connection skills, and the group recommended I check out a book called Click: The Forces Behind How We Fully Engage with People, Work, and Everything We Do. The book is basically a collection of tons of examples and studies going over each aspect that creates instant connections, or what they call “quick set intimacy”: That magic moment when you feel like you’re in the zone while talking to another person, like you’re 10/10 on 3 pointers. Except the baskets are people. Or something.

So here are the 8 methods the authors describe to click with people:

1. Clicking
Clicking with someone is basically the most powerful tactic. Getting this ‘quick set intimacy’ allows things to quickly escalate, whether it’s escalating with a girl, establishing a friendship, or kicking ass with business partners/teammates. Even if you literally have nothing in common with a girl other than just the ‘clicking’, it’s super effective. The study showed ‘logical’ marriages lasted just as long as marriages where the only thing in common the couples had was ‘clicking’.

2. Vulnerability
Most interactions between people are at the “transactional level”, or boring shit about information. Taking risks and being vulnerable, sharing some private information about yourself, can open up the connection. This is one tactic I actually use a decent amount. I like to drop some low-key vulnerability to see if I can quickly connect with new co-workers or other people I’ve just met. I’m pretty good with this when establishing friendships/business relationships but I need to use it more when I’m connecting with girls on dates or when I’m approaching.

3. Proximity
The science behind this is that the closer you are to people, the more likely you are to connect. This is common sense and something I understand personally, but it’s cool to see scientific studies show how much insanely better the connection is if you’re directly around someone all the time. Just putting yourself in situations where girls are on a consistent basis is enough to get you laid a lot of the time. I’ve definitely gotten pussy for no reason other than because I was there and able to make a quick connection. This also ties right into approaching as much as possible. The other aspect of this is hanging around cool dudes consistently (IC dudes, mods) and getting a better connection with successful people like that. You only get the connection if you’re consistently around. And with that connection comes osmosis and other opportunities.

4. Resonance
Being in the flow of things. Keep being in the moment with the people around you. Continually take their emotional temperature and play to that. I would say I’m somewhat oblivious and sometimes not giving a fuck about my surroundings. I’m definitely easily distracted. What I need to do is get in the “zone” and be fully engaged with my surroundings and the people around me. They use an example of being in the zone in a basketball game as an analogy and I think that makes it pretty clear. If you try to be more engaged with your surroundings, then you can get into this state and easily connect with people.

5. Similarity
Basically any type of similarity, big or small, connects people. Even if the only thing you share with another person is a name, science shows you’re way more likely to connect with that person quickly. It also says that something almost pointless, like having the same birthday, is basically as effective for quickly connecting people as having the same political beliefs or religion. I do this to an extent socially but I could get more creative and find clever ways to use similarities and make better connections with girls.

6. Environment
When you’re in places where you have to go through shit with people, like bootcamps, intensive classes, war, etc, it creates connections. You bond over the intense crap you had to get through together. For me personally, I had this in my Web Development bootcamp where I was with the same 40 people 12 hours per day, for 12 weeks. I’m still friends and could hang out with at least 15 of these people. This also applies to three or four days of partying in a row where you’re hanging out with the same people. Getting through all the partying together seems to be effective in building connections.

7. Naturals
Basically the explanation of “naturals” is that they are “high self monitors” who instinctively change their emotions to match and meet people emotionally, and maybe even mirror body language. I could definitely be more attentive to what people around me are doing while I’m connecting with them and match my behavior more effectively. When I’m in the mindset of reading people and calling things out I am able to see a lot of this stuff, but if I’m not, I miss a lot of it. I’ve been working on reading people and calling shit out a lot lately, even just in normal interactions. I’ve noticed without a doubt that it brings out more emotion in people.

8. Effectiveness
People who click perform at a way higher level than people who don’t click, even if everyone involved is sick. It’s important to “click” with the people you start businesses with, girls that you are potentially going to see regularly, and the dudes you hang out with. You will dominate shit if you’re clicking with everyone.

I’ll be honest, I haven’t completed a book since I was like 17, other than three or four books on Texas Hold’em (which I read in one sitting each) and some Dr. Seuss shit. So I’m gonna go ahead and give myself a big fucking pat on the back for seeing this through to the end.

Reader question: How do I escape the friend zone?

by Robbie Leave a Comment

A reader asks:

I’m planning out a date with an old casual friend from my hometown, where I’ve been staying for a few months. I recently got out of a 5 year relationship and looking forward to dating again.

Background: I’ve somewhat had a crush on her. I always had an older brother-sister frame with her. I want to use this harmless coffee to take a step beyond the friendship dynamic. I know I need to do this very smoothly so there is no weirdness and end up creeping her out. What’s the best way to do this?

You are going about this with the wrong frame of mind. She knows you are both out of a relationship and it’s going to look super telegraphed and desperate on your part if you try to pursue her romantically. You’ll likely fail, look like a huge idiot/douche/loser, and also end up ruining the friendship.

Damaging a long-term friendship for pussy is really dumb because cool, attractive girls will usually have others just like them who they can hook you up with.

You’re much better off going this route and letting her make an obvious move on you if she’s attracted to you. You might think there’s something there in her mind, but you aren’t even close to qualified to make that assessment.

Hang out with her, connect and treat her like a friend. The less sleazy romantic and flirty you are, the better. Treat her like your little sister and bust her balls as you would with a little sister. Attempt to see her another time soon in a group situation. Don’t ask her out on anything that seems like a date.

You’re finally single! Now you can daygame and use the Leverage Program how it’s designed, instead of trying to go for the “seemingly easy layups” with girls from your past. I promise it’s way more difficult than meeting new girls, and the downside severely outweighs the upside when things inevitably turn awkward and jeopardize the friendship.

The bigger picture here is that guys with a scarcity mentality, who haven’t hit on enough women, are the ones who get “friend-zoned.” It’s a result of guys being attracted to a girl but not having the courage to announce their intentions, then when they do girl says “no” and they follow her around hoping she will come around one day. I’m not saying this is the case with you, but guys who do this are dishonest and pathetic.

Don’t pursue every woman you meet. Instead befriend them, THEN YOU ARE PUTTING HER IN THE FRIEND ZONE. Eventually some of the girls you befriend will want to date you, they’ll introduce you to their friends, and your life will be better. Stop saying that stupid phrase “friend zone,” because it’s holding you back. GTFO with this mentality. Make friends, be casual, work hard, have fun, and turn your brain chatter off.

Just build regular normal two-way friendships. If you want a girl, ask her out. If she says no, move on. Voila- all your problems are solved.

Why is it hard to stop chasing girls?

by Tyler W Leave a Comment

A common piece of advice for men is “don’t chase girls.” It’s good advice, and it’s a piece of advice I’ve given before. And yet, a lot of the advice from beginners is still “how do I get this girl to like me when she doesn’t?” Why is it so hard for beginners to follow?

Before we answer that, let’s take a step back. It’s crucial to understand that the only lasting method of having women in your life is to first, develop the characteristics that women find attractive, second, learn how to display those characteristics, and third, put yourself in situations where the kind of women you want to meet will see you displaying those characteristics.

Although these three steps form a simple formula for confidence, they’re not easy to implement, and they don’t happen overnight. This is why we say there’s no magic bullet to being successful with women.

What’s an example of mastering these steps? A guy who doesn’t know how to start a conversation goes to improv classes to learn how to banter, then he starts volunteering where he begins to start casual conversations with women.

Back to our original question about chasing: the problem is that if you haven’t already mastered these steps, you’re going to be chasing girls who aren’t completely sold on you, and it’s hard to stop. if you don’t already have women in your life, it seems like your only option is to chase.

If you feel like every girl is telling you no, your gut reaction won’t be to find a different girl who says yes, or to find new ways to improve your life. Your gut reaction will be to figure out how to get past the no. You see a brick wall in front of you and instinctively look for ways to get over it, rather than figuring out why the wall is there in the first place.

If you’re the typical guy who isn’t already attractive to women, and someone like me tells you that you need to stop chasing women, you feel like if you do that you’ll lose all your options.

And to most guys, that feels worse than chasing.

It’s tough when you’re craving a girl’s time and affection, but sometimes the only way to get it is to wait. The point of icing is to get her pursuing you. In most scenarios, if she gave a fuck she would have hit you up again. Women want what they can’t have.

Yes, you need to stop chasing. If you’re chasing, you’re not the one in control, and you won’t get what you want. But at the same time, you need to ensure that you’re also improving your life so that you don’t need to chase. You need to develop attractive traits. You need to learn how to display these traits. You need to learn basic social skills. You need to understand your personality. You need to identify what kind of women you do the best with. You need to start going to where these women are, and you need to start putting yourself in uncomfortable situations.

Basically, you need to follow the example of the guy who took improv classes.

There’s nothing more unattractive than desperation. Desperation is the least attractive shit on Earth.

The root of the issue is that “don’t chase” is advice about how to stop being unattractive. It’s helpful, but it’s not enough. Only when you combine it with everything else you need to become attractive does this advice become helpful, and powerful. Only then will you stop running into the brick wall, and start to deconstruct it brick by brick.

When You’re Objective, You Take More Risks

by Tyler W 2 Comments

One of the most effective actions you can take to improve your life is developing your ability to think objectively.

Most people think emotionally. Yes, this includes men, who often assume they are rational and impervious to the effects of emotions on their thinking. Men tend to have blind spots in this area just as much as women.

People usually look at their situation, whatever it may be, come up with one possible outcome, and only focus on that outcome happening. Emotions drive the estimate of the outcome occurring.

This human tendency is the reason why the mainstream news media focuses on catchy soundbites rather than objective statistics. Our brains just aren’t wired to naturally think in terms of statistics, and instead we latch on to the stories that are the most memorable.

Case in point: take all the recent media coverage of terrorist attacks, and their appeal to everyone’s innate fear of terrorism. Despite the fact that the odds of dying in a terrorist attack are 1 in 20 MILLION, it’s a natural human tendency to be TERRIBLE at estimating the real risk of low-probability events.

Ok, so what if I’m more scared of terrorism than I should be? Not a big deal right? Well, take a look at how this type of thinking carries over to other areas of your life. Most people don’t think probabilistically in any areas of their life. They look at the world through the lenses of their emotions, never challenging their deeply held beliefs about how the world functions. People overestimate their ability to predict the future, especially about the events in their own life.

This can screw you over in countless ways. In the Leverage Program, we coach guys to stop overestimating the risks associated with actions that can improve their lives, like approaching more girls, quitting a job to become an entrepreneur, or developing a more assertive communication skills. And we also teach people how they tend to underestimate some of the more dangerous risks that people overlook, like texting while driving and eating processed carbohydrates.

Remember how I said people make most of their decisions emotionally? That’s the reason it’s important to be objective about your emotional states.

So a guy who is afraid to approach girls focuses only on the outcome of it going badly, without estimating the likelihood that he will actually get rejected.

Most guys who are bad with women start out from a place of neediness. He needs attention from a woman. He needs to not be rejected. He needs to KNOW an approach will go well before he commits to it.

These are gut-level emotional reactions, and they’re difficult to overcome. But having that kind of emotional response doesn’t have to harm you. As long as you recognize that it’s just a thought and that it’s not actually helping you, you can begin to realize that your subjective emotional experiences are not always indicative of reality.

The more you put yourself in these challenging situations and come out the other side unscathed, the more that snap emotional reaction will lessen. But in the meantime, it’s crucial to remember that this inner dialogue is not helping you, and that if you fuse with those thoughts, they’re only going to prevent you from reaching your goals and improving your relationships.

Thinking probabilistically removes the reckless emotion from your decision-making habits. When you know that you went into a decision making the right call based on all the information you had available at the time, there’s no rational way to second guess yourself afterwards. You don’t regret things you’ve done that went wrong if you came to that decision probabilistically. But you do regret them when you let your emotions decide for you.

This also improves your life by getting you more of the things you want and value. Thinking probabilistically helps you take the right kinds of risk: the ones that have a huge upside of improving your life. Let’s face it, a lot of the things we want are risky. Become more assertive and confident. Making valuable male friendships. Building your career. Telling women how you really feel without being needy.

Socially agile people can be cooperative in difficult situations, use anger effectively when someone blocks them from reaching a goal, or boldly state unpopular opinions in group settings. These are all risk moves.

Do this: Take more risks. Play to win. Be objective. Remember that your thoughts are just thoughts.

Hot Chicks are Good for Business

by Robbie Leave a Comment

Men love being in the company of beautiful women. It just makes everything that much more fun and interesting.

You will never hear a guy say, “Dude, I’m out, I just don’t want to hang out with more cute girls.”

Having hot chicks around brings me more hot chicks, more important guys, better girlfriends and better business opportunities. The more friends – hot, cool friends – I keep in my company, the higher I stand socially, and the more I enjoy my life.

Whatever line of business you’re currently in, making friends with cute chicks and hanging out with them regularly will always improve business (did she put you in the Friend Zone? Stop bitching about it and read THIS). If I’m casually talking to a potential business associate at the bar and I have a cute girl with me, odds are he will be much more willing to listen to me for three hours so long as I have that girl near me.

See how it works?

The Lesson: Make friends with cute girls and hang out with them a lot. If you stop being afraid of the friend zone, you’ll become the dude other dudes want to know.

Does Your Shirt Fit?

by Robbie 1 Comment

What size shirt are you wearing right now? I’d be willing to bet that it’s too big and doesn’t flatter you at all.

How do I know that? Because 95% of all guys wear dorky clothes that make them look like they don’t have a clue how to take care of themselves (let alone lead an interaction with a woman).

Dressing well is extremely important to women. A cute girl will look you up and down and decide in two seconds whether you’re worth her time and energy simply based on your choice of apparel (a crew neck in the middle of winter? Please).

One thing you can do right away is buy shirts that actually fit. Studies have shown that women are most attracted to men with broad shoulders; the ideal shoulder to waist ration is 1.6:1.

Even if you don’t have those God-given proportions naturally, you can still trick the eye by wearing tighter clothing that draws attention to your shoulders, making them look bigger. Most men who are generally fit (read: no pot belly) should probably be wearing a size “small” t-shirt.

Why? Because it stretches slightly across the chest and makes you appear larger in your upper body.

The Lesson: Throw away your shirts that are too big. Buy shit that fits. If you need help, click HERE for specific wardrobe tips.

Get personalized, one-on-one coaching in the Inner Confidence Leverage Program. Dude, if you’re wearing the wrong t-shirt now, it’s not gonna get any better on its own.

How to Use the Friend Zone to Your Advantage

by Robbie Leave a Comment

Guys complain to me all the time that they’ve been confined to the friend zone. They think they should be able to bang every girl they meet, and when they get pushed to the friend zone, they whine about it instead of strategically using it to their advantage.

Dudes: STOP COMPLAINING ABOUT THE FRIEND ZONE.

Here’s the thing, cute chicks hang around cute chicks. If some girl won’t sleep with you but she invites you out with her girls and you become friends, use that to your advantage.

You roll into some bar with six cute girl friends and you’re golden. Not only does this seriously raise your social value to the other hot girls that you’ll meet at the bar, but cool dudes will want to know you who are, too. They’ll want to befriend you, hang out with you, and do business with you.

The Lesson: Don’t try to bang every chick you meet. Meet girls, be cool and make friends. Those chicks will lead to more chicks and those chicks will lead to even more.

A Better Way To Connect With Women

by Tyler W 3 Comments

Creating strong emotional connections, especially in a short amount of time, is a difficult skill to master. Anyone who is missing the signals that girls send and not connecting is thinking way too much about what’s going on in their own head: insecurities, thoughts, what to say next, etc. They’re focusing on the craziness in of their mind instead of the person in front of their face. They’re directing their attention to the wrong place.

Before getting into how to create a deep connection, it’s important to understand what “vibing” is. Guys who are good with women know how to vibe. They know how to direct their attention to the women and what’s she’s feeling, rather than on their own mind. They know how to match the vibe the girl has and then slightly advance it.

Trying to form a deep emotional connection before vibing and flirting leaves you looking like one of two things: creepy, or in the friend zone.

Most guys intuitively know they need to create or find a connection beyond simple vibing to be able to hook up. But unfortunately, there are far too many misconceptions about what a connection actually looks like.

Too many guys view a connection as something that occurs when you identify logical details you have in common. “You listen to Taylor Swift? I love Taylor Swift!” The fact that you both like skydiving, or that you’re both from Montana, or whatever it may be, is a surface level commonality. While it might temporarily spark some life into a conversation, it’s not actually the type connection you need to push things further.

Even worse, if this is the strategy you’re pursuing and you have no logical details in common, you’ll be awkwardly searching the whole date for topics to discuss. But that’s something you can avoid by knowing just one simple but powerful insight:

All humans have experienced the same emotions, and we connect by resonating with each other emotionally.

For guys who have been struggling to generate deep levels of connection in their interactions, the element that they’re missing is the need to be vulnerable. This means being vulnerable and expressing the way you feel about the world, the way you feel about things in your life, and what you are noticing in that moment on the date. A connection occurs when you both view some aspect of the world in the same way, and have the same emotional experience about it.

This does NOT mean you need to agree on a topic to share a meaningful connection. What it means is that you need to have a shared emotional experience. You need to be the guy who has an opinion or feeling about something, and cause her to feel something.

Find situations where you can practice disclosing your emotions in a way that shows your vulnerability. Yes, it’s easier said than done, but it can be easy if you practice focusing your attention on anything other than your own anxious thoughts while you’re interacting with people.

The feelings are always primary, and the logical details are always secondary. It can be a positive feeling, like excitement, elation, or sexual arousal. It can even be negative, as in the case of feeling bewildered, confused or embarrassed. You just need to make her feel SOMETHING.

At Inner Confidence, we call this the emotional rollercoaster, and it takes a whole weekend to teach. But by focusing on the common human emotional experiences we all share, you’ll jump-start your connections with women and you’ll never run out of things to say again.

How to Get Over the Pain of Rejection

by Robbie Leave a Comment

Every man in the world has experienced being rejected by a woman (or if he hasn’t, he’s too scared to talk to a woman in the first place). I’ve felt it. My buddies have felt it. I know you’ve felt it otherwise you wouldn’t be reading this article.

There’s no doubt about it, getting a “no” totally sucks. It hurts. You might start thinking, “God, I suck. I’m horrible with women…” and that makes things even worse.

Fortunately, there’s a solution and you don’t have to live with the pain of rejection forever.

Making the Transition

All my clients come to me because they’re sick of being rejected. They want to get some wins under their belt. The great thing is, when you put yourself out there and actually do the work of bettering yourself, you can get to a point where getting rejected doesn’t totally knock you out.

You can get so good at handling people that, even if someone says “no” or blows you off, your attitude is, “Whatever. Next!” instead of, “I suck, my life is horrible.”

Having game is about attitude, skillset and yeah, inner confidence.

No one can tell you when you will feel pain and when you won’t. I couldn’t say, “You’ll stop feeling pain when you bang five supermodels.” Maybe you’ll still feel pain at that point, maybe not.

The pain is coming from within you, so something inside of you needs to shift. The outside results can certainly help speed the process, but ultimately, you’ve got to be able to recognize when you feel pain and let yourself move through it.

The Pain Always Shows

It’s not necessarily a bad thing to experience pain in this area, but it does show. My coaches can always tell when a guy is feeling pain versus when he’s feeling confident and calm; it is revealed in the way he carries himself. The way he moves, the way he operates in social situations.

Working through the pain is important if you truly want to experience success with women. Why? Because people want to hang out with other people that make them feel good. People who are in pain all the time, even when things are fine and we’re just chillin at the bar, basically suck to hang out with.

Get Over the Pain by Taking Action

To this day, I still sometimes feel pain if a girl flakes on me or if I have a bad run. It’s not anything like it used to be – there are no thoughts running through my head like, “God, I’m such a loser.” But it will suck, and it stings.

The solution is to take action. I’ll feel the pain for a minute, and then I’ll become even more determined to stack up some wins to feel great again. That means texting girls, approaching them, asking them out, and having sex.

I know for sure that if I’m not getting the results I want, it all has to do with a lack of input. I’m not doing enough to get there – it’s not because my skills aren’t good enough, it’s because I’m not putting the time in.

When you feel pain, take a deep breath. Feel it for a moment but don’t dwell on it. Immediately pinpoint an action you can take that will get you closer to what you want, and finally, take a moment to laugh at the situation – the easiest way for me to tell the difference between someone who is feeling pain and someone who isn’t is whether or not they’re willing to laugh at themselves.

The Lesson: Pain is normal, but if you want to be wildly successful with women, you have to be willing to do the work.

The Quickest Way To Move Past Social Fear

by Tyler W Leave a Comment

When you’re feeling fear or anxiety, the most important action to take isn’t one that reduces anxiety. It’s the action that reduces your avoidance, and makes you face whatever it is you’re anxious about.

The next time you’re in a situation where you’re feeling a negative emotion, especially fear, takes these three steps. Over time, they will train the subconscious part of your brain to do it automatically, and they take less than a minute.

1. Think of the best possible outcome

This helps you determine what actions you need to take to reach that outcome. It helps you see what part of it is in your control, and what part might just come down to random chance.

Play to win. Being confident means that you expect things to go well in situations that are ambiguous. Visualize what the best possible scenario is, and do everything you need to do to make it a reality.

If you’re going after what you want in life, then forget everything else. That’s your right as a human. Forget what other people think. Forget the self-doubt in your head. The only thing that matters is that you’re taking the actions you care about. You don’t have to be anything else. You don’t have to please anyone. You don’t have to fit anyone else’s image of how they think you should be. Everything else is noise. Tune it out.

You have the right to do whatever you want as long as it doesn’t infringe on the rights of. You can approach girls, you can go to the gym and grunt, you can even wear a dress and sing on a bus if you want to. You don’t need approval to do anything. If someone judges you for doing the things you value in life, then forget them because you don’t need their approval.

2. Think of the worst possible outcome

Using a technique invented by Stoic philosophers, you should practice taking any situation to the logical extreme of the worst case scenario. This can be done either as a thought exercise or in writing. With any social fear, the worst case scenario is usually something you can handle. 99% of the time, your worst possible outcome results in a little bit of social discomfort, with the option to recover from it. It’s never life-threatening.

They laugh it off, they think you’re weird, whatever. You can handle it. They’re likely to forget it, but even if they don’t you can handle it. So if they think you’re weird, that’s something you can live with. I fail to see how this could end in catastrophe.

Here’s an example that comes up often in the Leverage Program: hitting on a girl in the day. What’s the absolute worst thing that can happen? The girl rejects you. It’s painful for a few seconds/minutes, but you laugh it off, she forgets you, and you both go back to your life as usual. Or other people see you and laugh, and you die. Oh wait, that won’t happen.

The absolute worst in any of these situations is a few minutes of social discomfort.

What if you get rejected by a girl then see her again in the future? You guessed it, a Leverage member has done that multiple times on the streets of Manhattan and it didn’t kill him. Maybe the police tell you to stop approaching girls, actually that’s happened multiple times to guys in the group at the Grove in LA, and they left and lived through it.

Even if you lost all your friends and became homeless, you could probably recover from it. And the worst possible outcome of approaching a girl is her not liking you, which is something any man can handle. Usually you’ll find that the worst possible outcome is something you could actually handle.

The anticipation of failure is always worse than actual failure.

3. Think of the most likely outcome

This helps you shape your behavior and decide how to move forward. Any situation in your life has multiple possible outcomes, with different chances of them happening. Instead of assuming that one of them will automatically happen, look at everything that’s possible and estimate the odds of each of them.

Have a plan for things going well and aim for that to happen. At the same time, know that if you don’t succeed, you can handle it. This is what true confidence is. Confidence is not a blind delusion that everything will go well; that’s just not how the world works. Confidence is knowing that you can to do what it takes to succeed, and when the inevitable setbacks occur, you can crush them and continue to move forward with the things you care about in life.