get a date Archives - Inner Confidence

Bringing Day Game Into Your Everyday Life

Guest post by Patrick, Leverage Program member

You’ve read our blog posts on why you should day game, you get the concept, but are you still struggling to connect with girls when you hit on them?

The game changer is that you need to start incorporating day game into your everyday life. Luckily for me, I live in New York City, where the opportunities for day game are endless.

While it is definitely important to set aside some time to go out and practice day game, especially when you’re first starting, your goal should be to incorporate practicing your communication skills on a daily basis. Do this and you will be surprised at how it will impact your life.

Let’s define day game first. Day game is just talking to a girl where it isn’t a generally recognized social practice to do so. Usually when we talk about day game, we mean taking time out of your daily life to hit on girls in the context of deliberately practicing your skills. This is still super important, because if you don’t set aside time to practice your skills, you are not going to grow and develop.

But day game doesn’t have to be limited to specific practice sessions. It can and should be incorporated into your everyday life.

Think about this the next time you see a hot girl. The minute you see someone you’d like to talk to, go do it! In addition to that, I’d also argue that talking to everyone you encounter throughout the day and striking up a conversation is also day game.

You need to turn yourself into a social person, and how can you be a social beast if you aren’t talking to everyone?

Let’s give a few examples of what I’m talking about here. You show up to Starbucks in the morning: while you are ordering you double espresso, don’t just order your drink and move on. Strike up a short conversation with the barista. Ask her what her name is and how her day is going. Ask her for a discount to push yourself outside of your comfort zone.

Or maybe you go to the the same breakfast spot each morning. Ask the guy who’s cooking your bacon, egg, and cheese wrap his name and how his weekend was. This may be all you do the first time you go there, but each day you go back, you are going to start to build a relationship with these people. The conversations will get more interesting. Do this every day and I guarantee that your conversation and day game skills will improve.

Now, when you take your lunch break, you are going to be already warmed up because of your interactions in the morning. Don’t just spend your lunch break grabbing lunch and eating at your desk, go talk to people! I don’t care if it’s the hot girl crossing the street, or the fat guy making your burrito, just talk to them.

Say anything. It doesn’t matter. The more you do it, the more you’ll get feedback, and the better you will get. And expect to suck in the beginning. That’s just how it works, and we’ve all experienced it.

By incorporating day game into your everyday life, you are going to improve your skill 10x. It happens progressively over a long period time, and when you make consistent efforts, you’ll improve before you even realize it. You have to be talking to new people on a daily basis and put yourself outside your comfort zone to grow as a person and improve your skills.

Why is approaching so important for building confidence?

by Tyler W Leave a Comment

You’ve heard me say it over and over, but if you expect to get results and you’re not crushing approaches or already dating multiple women, it’s just not gonna happen.

If you wanna get good at basketball you’ve gotta take a ton of shots right? You can’t expect to show up at the court, stand around with the ball and expect to improve can you?

Well, that’s what many of you guys are doing, and then whining that you suck and the program isn’t working. That line of thinking is actually offensive to guys who have put in the work. Robbie crushed 10k approaches by the time he was in his late 20’s. Now he never has to approach anyone because he paid his dues.

Confidence isn’t a switch you flip because you feel like it. It’s something you develop over thousands of repetitions. Confidence occurs as the byproduct of developing your skills.

Here’s what you can expect in terms of objective results when you start making approaches:

1,000 approaches get most guys past anxiety.
The next 2,000 get you more comfortable being in the moment.
The next 2,000 after that get you dates with 6’s, 7’s and occasional 8’s, as long as your fashion, accent, body language and fitness are on point.
Once you hit the 5,000+ mark, it becomes almost silly to day game anymore because odds are you’re crushing social circle and night game much harder, because you have a much hotter pool of women to draw from.

“Fake it till you make it” really means perform an action repeatedly until it becomes a habit. You can’t fake an action and expect it to work long-term, but you can keep performing an action until it becomes comfortable.

Let’s take Leverage Program member Joe as a case study. I met him in 2007 at a workshop Robbie was leading in Phoenix. He didn’t sign up, and didn’t reach out again until 2014, when he signed up for the Leverage Program. He spent his first six months in the course downloading lessons into his brain and getting crushed in the group for douchey behavior. He did a great job taking the feedback without getting angry or salty. He lost some weight then grew a cool beard then approached like crazy. Now he’s consistently banging 6’s and the occasional 7+. See how that works guys?

Meaningful life change isn’t something you develop instantly as a result of being motivated. It only comes through baby steps and daily habits. You have to improve your social skills, physiological state, building relationships, and objectively achieve success with women. Focus on getting more reps, but ignore the 10,000 hour rule, because Malcolm Gladwell got it wrong.

Eventually, you’ll get to the point where you have the eye of the tiger. The eye of the tiger is an expression we use for a guy who has a lot confidence, has fucked a lot of women and isn’t intimidated by women.

When you reach this point in your game, you tend to use eye contact as your number one tool for approaching. Women will smell your confidence and you’ll notice them checking you out. You throw a seductive look their way and see how they react. If she gives you love, you walk over and just say hi. It’s often a done deal from there, granted you don’t say anything stupid.

Essentially, being an active member of the Leverage group and hitting on a TON of women will help you develop your eye of the tiger.

True confidence only comes from demonstrated performance. It’s hard to fool your subconscious mind, which is why gimmicks like NLP and positive affirmations are just a band-aid that ultimately fails.

Most guys overestimate how different they are from others. What this means is that you can simply take someone else’s path to success, and emulate it. Take the same actions that they took. Look to your mentors to build your identity. Do what they did. Do what works.

Can Hypnosis Get You Laid?

by Robbie Leave a Comment

Here’s my interview with hypnotherapist and Neuro-linguistic Programming (NLP) Master Practitioner Jonny Dupre on how to form emotional connections with women.

PART 1

PART 2

The idea that hypnosis and NLP could be used to attract women first occurred to me when I read The Game in college.

One of the more memorable scenes in the book is when Ross Jeffries runs an NLP routine on an unsuspecting waitress. Soon enough, the waitress falls into a trance and admits to Ross that she’s attracted to him even though he’s not her type.

When I first read the book, I assumed that the hypnosis and NLP stuff was basically bullshit.

After several months of failing with pickup lines, however, I took another look at hypnosis and NLP.

While Ross’s work never really resonated with me, I became fascinated with Hypnotica and Steve P, who you might remember from the David DeAngelo programs.

I wasn’t really introspective at the time, but Hypnotica and Steve P helped me to become more aware of the inner game issues that were preventing me from succeeding with women. I came to terms with past feelings and gradually learned to surface them, and then let them go for good.

(As a funny sidenote, I bought Steve P’s White Tiger Tantra program and started trying out the tactics. I was about to conclude that the program didn’t work when one my dates — much to both our surprises – erupted in a squirting orgasm.)

I ended up spending several years going through various hypnosis and NLP programs and eventually became a certified Landmark instructor.

The big lesson I took away was this:

We’re speaking to ourselves all day. The words we use create the experience that we have in the world. When we process events and describe them with empowering language, we improve our lives. When we use disempowering language, we hurt ourselves.

One of the most shocking things I discovered is that most of the stories we tell ourselves are total bullshit. Our reality and our story, which we think we form objectively, are actually completely skewed by our unconscious perceptions. When we learn to see different situations from different angles – without blame, judgment, or other negative emotions – we wake up, become aware, and take responsibility for our lives.

We learn, in other words, to think about what we’re thinking, and then change what we’re thinking, which naturally alters our interactions with the world.

In my own case, I realized that I had many of the typical issues facing “nice guys.” My “niceness” was actually just a mask for the laziness, entitlement, and fakeness that I unconsciously felt on the inside.

Interestingly, as I worked on my inner game, I noticed that things in my outer world, such as my body language, immediately improved. I no longer looked like I was apologizing for my existence.

Over time, I developed a system for how to merge inner game and outer game.

While I would certainly encourage everyone to spend some time learning hypnosis and NLP, I think that you can get many of the benefits that these tools offer simply by getting brutally honest feedback from people who genuinely care about you.

Things about ourselves that are obvious to others – especially to women, who tend to have well-developed intuition – can completely elude us guys.

One of the downsides of our polite society — where everyone pretends to be nice to each other — is that we miss out on this feedback.

Researchers, in fact, have discovered that feedback is one of the keys to achieving a state of high performance in any area.

I think, incidentally, this is why a lot of naturals with women played team sports as kids. The social feedback that comes from teammates tends to weed out douchey behavior that lingers in others.

One of the reasons why the Leverage Program delivers results relatively quickly is because it emphasizes personalized feedback — not only from me, but also from others in the group. Think of it as crowdsourcing social feedback.

Being smart guys for the most part, Leverage members realize how they come across in their day-to-day lives and figure out for themselves how to implement lasting change.

Again, here are the links for the Jonny Dupre podcast:

PART 1

PART 2

Let me know what you think.

Your friend,

Robbie

Why You Aren’t Making Enough Mistakes

by Tyler W 1 Comment

We all know the cliches about how you fail your way to success, or how you miss 100% of the shots you don’t take. It’s common knowledge in our culture that the way you get better at something is by making mistakes.

But is it really? A lot of guys don’t realize that they’re looking for dating coach because they’re looking for permission to make mistakes. They might “know” that they need to make mistakes to get better, but they don’t actually believe it. They get a coach because they want someone else to tell them it’s ok to mess up.

One area where this shows itself is when guys are too afraid to lead the interaction because they might make a mistake.

Leading the interaction is when you put out a feeler to where you want her to get to next. It’s making a statement or taking an action to get her to the next step in wherever you want to take the interaction. Then you wait to see when she gets there. If she goes in the opposite direction, then you have to readjust to match her vibe and then try again.

This means you’re going to be putting yourself out there and giving yourself countless opportunities to be rejected. When you walk up to a woman and say your first statement to her, she has the option to reject you. When you continue talking with her, she has the option to end the interaction. When you ask her to move to a different part of the bar, she has the option of declining.

Every time you lead the interaction, you run the risk of getting rejected. You run the risk of making a mistake. And even though guys think they know that they need to make mistakes to improve, they still fear leading the interaction because making mistakes like these are scary.

There are no guarantees that what you’re attempting will go well for anything worth doing in life. If something is completely guaranteed, it won’t make you feel any better about yourself. It won’t feel like an accomplishment.

The only real certainty in life is that if you work hard, you’ll eventually get opportunities for more success. But it won’t come the way you expect it to, and you have to make mistakes along the way.

The only way to improve your social awareness is by taking risks and getting it wrong. Often.

Social awareness is the ability to make the people around you feel understood and comfortable connecting with you. If you don’t make wild guesses about what others are feeling, you’re never going to get it wrong. It’s literally impossible to start getting it wrong without getting it right first.

I first learned concept this when I was in school to become a therapist. When we were learning how to convey empathy to our patients, we were told to guess a word for the feeling we think our patient is experiencing. Of course, everyone was concerned that we may guess the wrong thing. This is when I learned that we need to say the wrong thing at first. The only alternative is to not say anything, and that prevents you from improving.

Dating is about managing ambiguity and having good social awareness. Most of what we do with relationships and dating is subconscious. This is why you feel approach anxiety despite rationally knowing that it’s nonsense.

Remember that everything in the interaction is about her. The goal is to get to a point where you can mirror her communication and emotions without underdoing it or overdoing it. But the only way to get to that point is by underdoing it and overdoing it often.

Commit to making mistakes, because it’s the only way to improve your social awareness and learn how to lead the interaction.

Inner Confidence on Elite Daily – 3 Ways To Get Instantly Better At Meeting Women In Public

by Robbie Leave a Comment

In the beginning, we all suck at meeting women in public.

You will likely not be an exception.

Approaching women with no introduction can feel really overwhelming and intimidating to a lot of dudes.

But when you get good at it, your dating and sex life will improve big time.

Why? Because being unafraid in the face of rejection is really f*cking hot, and girls dig it.

You’re Going To Hate This, But Do It Anyway… (read more)

Success Is Closer Than You Think

by Tyler W 2 Comments

Ever hear the saying don’t let the perfect be the enemy of the good? Nowhere is this more true than when you’re learning how to be better with women. You don’t have to be perfect, you just have to be good enough.

A lot of the advice out there is aiming at perfection. And this is counterproductive for improving your skills and improving your life.

Because here’s the thing: guys today have set the bar very low. Ask any woman about her frustrations with dating, and she’ll tell you that most guys are terrible:

They don’t have the empathy to be able to picture what a woman actually wants in a guy. Painful.
They follow terrible societal stereotypes that they think will make them successful, like trying to get rich while neglecting their social skills. Ugh.
Or they try to buy a woman’s affection through gifts and spending money, rather than developing a dynamic personality that women are naturally attracted to. Barf.

Real success is about becoming attractive to women, not learning how to attract women. Being dynamic makes up for flaws in each category. Because all the terrible guys out there have set the bar so low, it means you don’t have to be the best in every category. You just have to be better than most guys in a few different areas. Let’s take a look at some of the traits women are attracted to.

Let’s look at some examples. A big one is your looks. Men are lucky because we have more control over our looks than women do. Women notice grooming, which is easy to get right. Women care about physique, which is something you can develop by working out, and they tend to notice guys who are lean more than guys who are jacked, which is actually an easier physique to build.

Same thing with your style and fashion. You don’t have to read fashion magazines or stay on top of the latest trends. You just have to wear clothes that fit you because most guys are so bad that they were baggy clothes. It’s VERY EASY to be in the top 25% of well dressed guys. And being in the top 25% is just as good as being in the top 1%.

What else? Conversation skills. It’s okay to make some comments here and there that fall flat, as long as you know how to call it out. If you say something and get a bad reaction, being able to say “Uh oh, you’re giving me a look like you want me to go die in a hole” will make up for the initial misstep. You don’t have to have the conversation skills of a politician or the storytelling skills to do well; you just have to be good enough, which is slightly above average.

Need more proof that being perfect is a bad goal? Social status is a huge one. You don’t need to be at the top of the food chain in society, you just need to be a leader for whatever tribe (social group) you’re a part of. If you can act decisively, influence others, and be effective at what you’ve chosen to do, that’s enough. You don’t need to be a celebrity or an ultra-successful businessman to display the social status characteristics that women find attractive.

When you focus on taking action to improve every area of your life, you don’t have to be in the top 1% of each trait, because you develop a dynamic character that most men never even realize is important. That’s what Inner Confidence is.

Hot Chicks are Good for Business

by Robbie Leave a Comment

Men love being in the company of beautiful women. It just makes everything that much more fun and interesting.

You will never hear a guy say, “Dude, I’m out, I just don’t want to hang out with more cute girls.”

Having hot chicks around brings me more hot chicks, more important guys, better girlfriends and better business opportunities. The more friends – hot, cool friends – I keep in my company, the higher I stand socially, and the more I enjoy my life.

Whatever line of business you’re currently in, making friends with cute chicks and hanging out with them regularly will always improve business (did she put you in the Friend Zone? Stop bitching about it and read THIS). If I’m casually talking to a potential business associate at the bar and I have a cute girl with me, odds are he will be much more willing to listen to me for three hours so long as I have that girl near me.

See how it works?

The Lesson: Make friends with cute girls and hang out with them a lot. If you stop being afraid of the friend zone, you’ll become the dude other dudes want to know.

Does Your Shirt Fit?

by Robbie Leave a Comment

What size shirt are you wearing right now? I’d be willing to bet that it’s too big and doesn’t flatter you at all.

How do I know that? Because 95% of all guys wear dorky clothes that make them look like they don’t have a clue how to take care of themselves (let alone lead an interaction with a woman).

Dressing well is extremely important to women. A cute girl will look you up and down and decide in two seconds whether you’re worth her time and energy simply based on your choice of apparel (a crew neck in the middle of winter? Please).

One thing you can do right away is buy shirts that actually fit. Studies have shown that women are most attracted to men with broad shoulders; the ideal shoulder to waist ration is 1.6:1.

Even if you don’t have those God-given proportions naturally, you can still trick the eye by wearing tighter clothing that draws attention to your shoulders, making them look bigger. Most men who are generally fit (read: no pot belly) should probably be wearing a size “small” t-shirt.

Why? Because it stretches slightly across the chest and makes you appear larger in your upper body.

The Lesson: Throw away your shirts that are too big. Buy shit that fits. If you need help, click HERE for specific wardrobe tips.

Get personalized, one-on-one coaching in the Inner Confidence Leverage Program. Dude, if you’re wearing the wrong t-shirt now, it’s not gonna get any better on its own.

How to Use the Friend Zone to Your Advantage

by Robbie Leave a Comment

Guys complain to me all the time that they’ve been confined to the friend zone. They think they should be able to bang every girl they meet, and when they get pushed to the friend zone, they whine about it instead of strategically using it to their advantage.

Dudes: STOP COMPLAINING ABOUT THE FRIEND ZONE.

Here’s the thing, cute chicks hang around cute chicks. If some girl won’t sleep with you but she invites you out with her girls and you become friends, use that to your advantage.

You roll into some bar with six cute girl friends and you’re golden. Not only does this seriously raise your social value to the other hot girls that you’ll meet at the bar, but cool dudes will want to know you who are, too. They’ll want to befriend you, hang out with you, and do business with you.

The Lesson: Don’t try to bang every chick you meet. Meet girls, be cool and make friends. Those chicks will lead to more chicks and those chicks will lead to even more.

How to Get Over the Pain of Rejection

by Robbie Leave a Comment

Every man in the world has experienced being rejected by a woman (or if he hasn’t, he’s too scared to talk to a woman in the first place). I’ve felt it. My buddies have felt it. I know you’ve felt it otherwise you wouldn’t be reading this article.

There’s no doubt about it, getting a “no” totally sucks. It hurts. You might start thinking, “God, I suck. I’m horrible with women…” and that makes things even worse.

Fortunately, there’s a solution and you don’t have to live with the pain of rejection forever.

Making the Transition

All my clients come to me because they’re sick of being rejected. They want to get some wins under their belt. The great thing is, when you put yourself out there and actually do the work of bettering yourself, you can get to a point where getting rejected doesn’t totally knock you out.

You can get so good at handling people that, even if someone says “no” or blows you off, your attitude is, “Whatever. Next!” instead of, “I suck, my life is horrible.”

Having game is about attitude, skillset and yeah, inner confidence.

No one can tell you when you will feel pain and when you won’t. I couldn’t say, “You’ll stop feeling pain when you bang five supermodels.” Maybe you’ll still feel pain at that point, maybe not.

The pain is coming from within you, so something inside of you needs to shift. The outside results can certainly help speed the process, but ultimately, you’ve got to be able to recognize when you feel pain and let yourself move through it.

The Pain Always Shows

It’s not necessarily a bad thing to experience pain in this area, but it does show. My coaches can always tell when a guy is feeling pain versus when he’s feeling confident and calm; it is revealed in the way he carries himself. The way he moves, the way he operates in social situations.

Working through the pain is important if you truly want to experience success with women. Why? Because people want to hang out with other people that make them feel good. People who are in pain all the time, even when things are fine and we’re just chillin at the bar, basically suck to hang out with.

Get Over the Pain by Taking Action

To this day, I still sometimes feel pain if a girl flakes on me or if I have a bad run. It’s not anything like it used to be – there are no thoughts running through my head like, “God, I’m such a loser.” But it will suck, and it stings.

The solution is to take action. I’ll feel the pain for a minute, and then I’ll become even more determined to stack up some wins to feel great again. That means texting girls, approaching them, asking them out, and having sex.

I know for sure that if I’m not getting the results I want, it all has to do with a lack of input. I’m not doing enough to get there – it’s not because my skills aren’t good enough, it’s because I’m not putting the time in.

When you feel pain, take a deep breath. Feel it for a moment but don’t dwell on it. Immediately pinpoint an action you can take that will get you closer to what you want, and finally, take a moment to laugh at the situation – the easiest way for me to tell the difference between someone who is feeling pain and someone who isn’t is whether or not they’re willing to laugh at themselves.

The Lesson: Pain is normal, but if you want to be wildly successful with women, you have to be willing to do the work.