how to be cool Archives - Inner Confidence

9 Ways to Create Enough Time and Money for a Quality Dating Life

Recently, I asked for an update from some of my coaching clients in the Leverage Program. I noticed that almost all of the guys who are lagging on the dating front are also worried about their finances.

While it’s true that guys often use money as an excuse, I actually do think that it’s hard to get your dating life handled if your finances are also not in order. Financial difficulties are an emotional drain that affects our self-esteem and cause us to project insecurity to everyone around us.

The relationship between money and dating is an issue I started to think about in junior high. My plan growing up was to become a professional golfer on the PGA tour. Becoming a pro athlete, I assumed, would solve both my money and dating problems.

My plan, however, was upended in two ways. I started to lose interest in golf. And after that, I read The Game, which made me realize that there was a lot more I could to improve with girls that had nothing to do with money.

During the first few years after college, I worked in a variety of office jobs, but my main interest was learning how to improve with girls. My progress was uneven, both professionally and in terms of dating.

The issue wasn’t effort. I was working 11-hour shifts. But I also did day game approaches during my lunch break, hit the bars from 10pm-2am, and attended self-help seminars and pick up bootcamps over the weekend.

Within a few years, I spent about $82,000 on various self-development programs.

It was only after I transitioned to a more fulfilling career that my results with dating skyrocketed.

I discuss my story in some detail in this podcast episode with Y.L. Savitskiy. But basically, I negotiated a remote work deal at my venture capital firm, then became a dating coach, and then hacked the sharing economy.

Once I figured out how to stop trading time for money, I was able to leverage every single resource at my disposal, and then use the newfound time, money, and energy I had to date more women.

It took me many years to figure this out, mostly through trial-and-error.

Do I have a 4-hour work week? No. Do I make as much as my friends who stayed in finance? No. But I work whenever I want, wherever I want, doing a job that I love. All things considered, I think I’m living what Ramit Sethi calls a “rich life.”

No formula is going to work for everyone and I’m obviously not suggesting that you quit your job. I actually think the structure of a 9-5 job works for a certain type of person.

But if you’re looking to free up some time, generate passive income, and meet more women, here are a few tips that I’ve found generally work:

· Take advantage of money hacks

· Become a minimalist: I know it sounds ridiculous, but as my clients get rid of all their useless shit, their success with women starts to improve. The reason, basically, is that tidiness and control in our outer world frees up our mind to focus on our goals.

· Hack spending: Share your typical expenses with a trusted group of friends and advisors and take a hard look at what you can eliminate. You’ll be surprised how much cash you’re spewing. Some of my coaching clients use the Leverage Program for this purpose.

· Hack transportation with services like flightcar.com, relayrides.com, and turo.com/

· Ask for discounts

· Hack Credit Cards and Retirement Accounts

· Build passive income streams through the sharing economy

· Stop wasting money eating out by cooking at home. It’s easier than you think and way healthier.

· Leverage a skill: Think of all the skills and knowledge you have, then find a way to tutor, offer a class, or market them in ways that can generate money on the side.

As you hack your finances, you’ll start to take a more critical look at every other aspect of your life. Before you know it, you’ll be a “King of Leverage.”

Inner Confidence on Elite Daily: Yes, Women Actually Do Pay A Lot Of Attention To The Way You’re Dressed

by Robbie Leave a Comment

At the end of the day, being dynamic is your greatest sales pitch ever. The end-all, be-all is becoming a man who’s witty, charismatic, driven, spontaneous and grounded. This is the whole package, and women will pretty much do anything to be with a man who’s dynamic.

If you don’t know how to dress, it immediately sends out a signal you’re not dynamic. Continue reading on Elite Daily.

Develop Your Inner Confidence Interview on Pickup Change

by Robbie Leave a Comment

I was recently interviewed by pickupchange.com

We talked about how to build your confidence and make your approach to girls more natural and effective.

Here’s what we covered in the podcast:

The easiest way to meet girls
How to develop your inner confidence
How to overcome approach anxiety
What is the average success ratio in daygame
How to enjoy the process and stop being focused only on the outcome
Do looks and wealth really matter?
How to spot a girl who is actively looking for men.

http://www.pickupchange.com/develop-your-inner-confidence-interview-with-robbie-kramer/

Enjoy,

Robbie

A Master Networker’s Guide to Building Elite Connections

by Tyler W Leave a Comment

Guest post by Max, Leverage Program moderator

In the Leverage Program, we often advise members to invest in human capital, and here’s why: the key to building a social network is to invest in other people.

Volunteer your time and say yes to just about everything until you absolutely have no choice but to start being more selective, because you’d be surprised how connected people are. For example, the head of the Boys & Girls Clubs of Boston is one of the Kraft brothers, the owners of the New England Patriots. Volunteering is a great way for anyone to have access to successful people that they otherwise could never meet. It levels the playing field as far as social status and wealth go. To do this, I got involved with two non-profits. One is very established, and the other is an up-and-comer. Pick some causes you support and get involved with relevant organizations.

Keep your eyes open for any new “centers” in your city, like new neighborhoods with new big apartment developments, new professionals groups, and new restaurants. Reach out as quickly as you can.

New apartment building? I dropped by the office, introduced myself, met the owners, asked how the plan is evolving, congratulated them on the exciting new project, asked for a tour, and then I ended up renting in their new building.

New restaurant? These are passion projects. People pour their hearts, blood, sweat, and tears into making them happen. Stop by during the day when they are setting up, congratulate them on their new venture, welcome them to the neighborhood, and tell them how you can’t wait to try it out soon. Someone will likely give you a card and tell you to ask for them when you come in. Make it a priority to get back there ASAP to see your new connect (which is also a great date opportunity).

I get to know the owners BEFORE the grand openings by reaching out early. I was listed on the grand opening bill right under the mayor’s name in Boston just six months after I moved here, because I got myself involved early on. I was able to invite about 100 people to that event, an opportunity to reinvest in my network.

These are all businesspeople with businesses to run themselves, so they need connectors and advocates. When you find a place worth advocating for, do it! Systematically bring all of your friends there. Make it a priority to promote their business for no financial gain whatsoever. To the owners, you will be a saint. To your friends, you will be that uber-connected guy.

Read the local news so you know what is going on. Follow other people’s success so you can A) Aim to emulate them, B) Congratulate them when you run into them, or C) When appropriate, join their team to help them become even more successful.

Keep notes in your phone of everyone you meet, like bouncers, bartenders, and waiters. Knowing someone’s name can go a long way in establishing a bond from scratch. Names are so easy to keep track of when you write them down on your phone that there’s no reason not to. Especially in the places where you become a regular, being on a first-name basis with the staff can pay huge dividends.

Help people with their pet projects if you have something valuable to add. Send them a relevant article, expertise if you have it, or a helpful connection. My goal is to be responsible for making a lot of people a lot of money and a lot of connections. For example, a Leverage moderator introduced me to a ton of valuable and helpful people. I’ve done what I can to introduce him his CEO, the CEO of a major private jet company, and the CEO of payments company. It goes on: I have no idea who I’m going to meet who is planning on going to Coachella in a month or so. Maybe they need a sick AirBnB house to stay in? “Oh you’re going to Coachella and you need a place to stay? You should absolutely talk to my buddy. I’ve stayed at his places before and they’re awesome.”

Efficiency is important to me. My goal is to be only 80% busy on any given day so I have time to leave the office to do non-work personal branding networking stuff without it affect my business. I pay top dollar for an Equinox gym membership, because I see the same people that I’m networking with working out at my gym, so I can balance workouts with networking. I live locally, work out locally, network locally, and live in a hot restaurant district. All of the activities that I spend my time on provide leverage for other areas of life.

Always follow up with a short and simple thank you email or text or Facebook message. It’s necessary, and too often overlooked. Get free tickets or an invite? “Thanks for the tickets, ABC! XYX and I particularly enjoyed the ____. Best, Max” If you don’t do this, don’t expect another invite from them or their network.

How do you pick what networks to target? I generally surround myself with slightly older and more established people who are one or two steps ahead of where I am. I don’t ignore younger people by any means, but by virtue of my age (26) I am generally on the younger side of the professional crowd so I look for people just a few steps ahead of me.

Focus on quality rather than quantity. A recent study at the University of New South Wales has shown that being part of social groups that you personally value raises your self-esteem more than just having an extensive network of friends. Because I’m not aiming for sheer quantity of connections, I have no interest in networking in bars. I go to nicer upscale cocktail style lounges where late-20’s early 30’s hang out because that’s where I feel comfortable and that’s who I get along with. And I’m not doing Jaeger-bombs on a random Tuesday night (unless I’m in Vegas of course).

The way you invest in your network represents your personal branding. It’s how you will come to be known, so don’t fuck up the basics. Don’t get too drunk and embarrass your connections, dates, or yourself. Don’t leave the house looking like you didn’t look in the mirror. Nail the fundamentals of being a complete man that we teach in the Leverage program.

You will never be able to plan what this grows or develops into. Trust the process without worrying about the outcome, because if you follow this process, it will eventually result in success. The point is to nurture your connections: always hopeful, never disappointed (just like my dog).

Inner Confidence on Elite Daily: Leveraging a Mobile Lifestyle

by Tyler W Leave a Comment

“The research from psychology and behavioral economics is clear: We’re happier when we spend money on experiences, like traveling and other people, than when we spend it on material goods and ourselves.”

Check out my post that was recently featured on Elite Daily!

The Keys To Fixing Your Body Language

by Tyler W 1 Comment

Body language is one of the most important ways you communicate. Women and successful men perceive what your body language shows about you in less than a second. Since it’s processed on the subconscious level, your body language will make or break the interaction before you ever open your mouth.

Unfortunately, guys who didn’t grow up with a masculine, athletic, macho, infrastructure in their lives never absorbed the confident body language that turns women on, so they’re at a disadvantage on the dating market. Being aware of your own unconfident body language is a crucial step, but it’s only the first step.

Fixing your body language is a challenge that you have to approach from multiple angles.

Focused Versus Holistic

There are two ways to go about improving your body language: focused and holistic. Everyone should be doing both. Focused improvement is when you take a microscope to your specific behaviors and work on improving each one. This could be evaluating the way you place your feet when you walk, how you position your shoulders, correcting your forward head tilt, etc.

Equally important is holistic improvement. The best examples I can come up with are learning martial arts, seeing a chiropractor, and mobility work like foam rolling. Yesterday I had a Muay Thai workout with a trainer then saw a massage therapist and a chiropractor. Both of these improved my posture and body language to the point where others noticed and commented on it. These methods are also helpful because they don’t require you to be as self-conscious about every little moment you make, which can be crippling if you’re out at a bar and overly focused on your posture instead of the people you’re interacting with.

Because the patterns we’ve experienced all our lives shape how we stand and move, it’s an area of your dating life that can benefit the most from live coaching. Someone who has experienced thousands of reps talking to women is better qualified to critique what you are doing wrong and tell you how to fix it. In the meantime, here are some exercises so you can get started on your own:

Observe the body language of confident men
This is a simple activity that can net you huge results. Go to a public place like a mall or a street with heavy foot traffic. For the first 10 minutes, give every guy a mental rating of his confidence on a scale of 1-10. Don’t overthink it; just go with your gut instinct.

For the next 10 minutes, pay attention to the confident guys and observe specific behaviors they’re exhibiting. How are their shoulders? How is their gate? Bringing a notebook or phone and writing down notes will help but isn’t necessary. By observing what confident guys do and how they behave, you’ll start to embody these traits yourself.

Shoulder dislocators
The most common body language problem that I’ve seen with guys is slumping the shoulders. This is especially problematic for guys who sit at a desk all day, and it occurs as a result of muscle imbalances. Fortunately, there’s an easy fix most people don’t know about. Get a PVC pipe and do this exercise daily for 2 minutes:

Slow down
Most guys who struggle with women move too quickly. They have jerky, fidgety movements that women subconsciously perceive as anxiety. It doesn’t even matter if you are feeling anxious or not: if you are moving too quickly or fidgeting, you will come across as unconfident. There are no exceptions to this rule. This is a very simple fix and just requires practice and conscious awareness of how fast you’re moving. One trick I’ve heard before is to imagine that you are underwater, and move at that speed and fluidity.

Chew gum
This may sound like a gimmick, but there have been actual scientific studies demonstrating that people chewing gum are perceived as more confident and laid back. Chewing gum helps you cut back on fidgeting: if you are chewing gum, other body movements are less likely to occur.

Kettlebell swings
Any weightlifting routine will help your body language, but if I had to pick just one exercise that provides the most benefit, it’s the kettlebell swing. It has the added benefit of strengthening your core and toning your glutes (the biggest things women care about), not to mention they’re just fun to do. See this video below for proper form:

Fake it till you make it
See this life-changing talk by Amy Cuddy below:

There’s no quick fix for body language. Anyone who does an hour of kickboxing every day, an hour of yoga, and weekly chiropractor visits would STILL take months to develop perfect body language. But it’s a simple process that you can drastically improve with as little as 10 minutes a day if you spend them on the right exercises.

Building Your Ecosystem: Who’s Got Your Back?

by Tyler W Leave a Comment

One of the most important factors in improving your lifestyle, creating a better dating life, and having a masculine lifestyle, is who you choose to surround yourself with.

Who you allow to influence your thinking dictates how you experience the world. You absorb the mental models and worldviews of the people in your ecosystems, and those beliefs can make or break you.

The result: if there’s something you want to achieve, you need to be around people who are already doing it.

If you want to get into the banking game or the hedge fund game, you don’t need to hang out with artists, you need to hang out with fund managers and bankers and great minds. You need an ecosystem of competition and trading ideas and perspective on how to understand the market from an economic view, et cetera.

If you want to get in the startup game and develop a technology company, you need to be in San Francisco, where you can be around that ecosystem of programmers, coders, integration specialists and designers, and see who has what new startup and who’s thinking about what.

If you want to get in the film game, you want exposure; you need to be in L.A. The same principle applies in any social environment, so how can you apply this concept to your dating and social life?

Everything in life you want to achieve is easier when you have a team behind your back. Having a sense of camaraderie with other men who support your goals makes the inevitable setbacks easier to stomach. It makes the victories come quicker and last longer.

When you’re spending too much time by yourself or hanging out with geeks who have no girls in their lives, your ecosystem is holding you back. You need to build an ecosystem of guys who are constantly getting out there, having fun and meeting people, and enjoying life, like the guys in the Leverage Program.

When I look at my friends who have aren’t happy with their dating lives, there are some common themes. None of their friends or their fathers are masculine. They didn’t develop the sense of competition, assertiveness, and cooperation that comes from playing organized team sports.

Part of what makes the Leverage Program so successful is the team mentality all the guys have. Building an ecosystem like this in your own life is crucial, and you need a group of people who have your back.

You’ll meet girls through them, you’ll absorb their habits, you’ll get actionable feedback, and you’ll develop a social identity and support system full of guys who have your back. You’ll learn the subtle patterns of speech and dress that cool guys who “get it” display.

You’ll meet women through their social circles. This is how some guys seem to put in no effort yet still meet the hottest women: it’s because they really are putting in no effort! It happens through the social circles they’ve built.

Your ecosystem forms your foundation in life. Don’t separate your social network of friends from the women you want to hook up with and date. Your dating life should be a natural extension of your social life.

The end game is connecting with human beings. That’s what all this is about: building your confidence, learning social protocol, connecting with women, connecting with human beings, leveraging your resources to acquire more resources to acquire superior companionship over the course of your life.

The takeaway: accept that it’s going to require time to build a better ecosystem. You HAVE to be around people who are achieving the goals you wish to achieve.

How To Become An International Sex Symbol

by Robbie 1 Comment

Screen Shot 2015-07-07 at 4.25.46 PM The biggest male sex symbols in society, James Dean, Marlon Brando, Sean Connery, Johnny Depp, etc… All have one thing in common: they are extremely solid individuals.

Not only do they have a solid foundation of who they are: their morals, world views, character traits,but are also completely sincere when projecting these things to others.

They don’t apologize for something they hold to be true if it offends you; they don’t try to be someone they’re not.

Sure, you might think “yeah, well these guys are all good looking, rich, and superstars!” Well so are thousands of other actors, athletes, and big shots, yet they don’t receive the coveted title of “Sex Symbol.”

Granted you will probably never be an internationally recognized sex symbol either, but you can be to the women you encounter. Being calm in the midst of chaos, being steadfast in your beliefs, taking action in pursuit of your desires, and setting clear boundaries are all extremely attractive traits.

The all too often talked about “nice guy syndrome” stems from a lack of the aforementioned traits.

Nice guys are quick to apologize for any possible offense they may give, rarely do the things that they want to do, instead taking on other peoples’ perceptions of what is best for them, and most importantly, avoid having controversial discussions at all costs.

Nice guys exhibit these nice guy patterns, and women become dryer than the desert five minutes into a conversation with one. The reason for this is that these guys are just uninteresting. How could one be if he doesn’t strongly believe in anything and acts in a servile manner all the time?

There is a difference between being stubborn and having an opinion. If someone crushes you with facts in an argument, and you feel that you have been swayed, don’t continue to argue to save face. Man up, say you see his point and you were wrong. It may not seem like it in the moment, but people will respect you so much more for this behavior.

You shouldn’t feel the need to defend an image you have of yourself, be sincere and say what you’re thinking.

Grounded guys don’t freak out over the stupid shit that most people do.

A girl flakes on him? Whatever, her loss.

He’s late to something? that’s unfortunate, but there’s nothing he can do about it so no need to get heated.

Something doesn’t go according to plan? Adapt, Improvise, and overcome.

It’s that simple.

If a girl sees you flip out over insignificant bs, how can she be sure you’re not going to strangle her when your relationship is going through a rough patch?

Similarly, when a cool guy sees you freak, he immediately pins you as a dork, and will want nothing to do with you.

Some early steps to take to become more grounded would be, as always, upgrading your peer group, meditation, and approaching more women to experience confrontation and rejection.

Meditation, even for 10 minutes a day, is a practice in calming the mind and observing the body. Whenever I find myself getting riled up, if I can, I will sit down, close my eyes, and clear my mind. It helps EVERY time.

Lastly, find out what you stand for.

Have interesting opinions that are not what everybody else thinks.

Know where your boundaries are, and women and men alike will begin to respect you much more.

Do Looks Matter?

by Robbie 1 Comment

Guys looking to meet women often ask the question, “Do looks matter?”

It depends.

The short answer:

They matter more to girls who are young and inexperienced with dating. As women get older and look to settle down and have a family, they hardly matter at all.

The long answer:

[Begin Rant]

When most girls start dating, they target guys who they find good looking.

She may tell her friends that their high school crush, Johnny, is hot because he has a six pack, big blue eyes and great hair.

But she also omitted from her statement that he has great body language, swagger, ability to tell awesome stories, and great fashion.

Most girls bang between 25 to 75 “Johnnys” between the ages of 16 and 27 who treat her like shit, make fun of her, hit her up at 1am for bootie calls, and generally do all the things in opposition of society tells men to do.

I was never a Johnny.

I grew up with a loving mother who told me to a gentleman, level headed and do nice things for women.

My father lead by example by providing for our family, coaching my soccer teams, helping me become a straight A student, and everything else an awesome dad should do. But he told me hardly anything about what it takes to get a girl.

I had an amazing childhood, but it did not prepare me for banging hot chicks.

I followed my mom’s advice and became a typical “nice guy,” sexless and frustrated.

[End Rant]

The confusion with the “Do you looks matter” conversation is that guys actually listen to the nonsense that a lot of young chicks spew about attraction.

When a girl says a dude is hot, she’s not necessarily talking about his looks, it’s the whole package.

The more a dude look and behave like Dan Bilzerian, the more pussy he’ll get.

When a dude says a chick is hot, he’s most definitely talking about her looks and sex appeal.

The more a chick can look and behave like Kim Kardashian, the more cock she’ll get.

It’s a little easier for girls, because their hotness is based more on things that are out of their control.

As girls get older, they start to value other qualities in a man more than his looks. After fucking 50 “Johnnys” they finally want to date a nice, sweet guy that can provide for them and build a family together. In exchange, she might give him sex some of the time, when she doesn’t have a headache.

If you’re a “nice guy” I’d suggest developing Johnny’s skill set or at least understand that many Johnnys did many dirty things to your girl before you got your hands on her.

It wasn’t the same for our grandparents or parents, but this is the sad reality of modern day dating.

How many times have you seen a very attractive woman… I mean, like, super attractive…walking down the street, holding hands with a short, overweight and balding man?

It should no longer be a mystery what she sees in him.

The bottom line.

If you’re going for girls who are mature enough to see past the Johnnys of the world, looks can give you a slight boost in attracting her interest and attention, and that’s about it. They may get you a few one night stands with college chicks from Florida and Arizona, but forget any long term relationships without good social skills with high class and intelligent women.

After you start talking to a woman, she won’t care about how chiseled your face is or how big your biceps are. You suck at communication, that sexy model you were communicating with disappears.

Men Can Manipulate/Mold/Change Their Level of Attractiveness

Knowing women are mostly attracted to characteristics and qualities like leadership, confidence, humor, and other favorable traits, this is great news for us men! This means we can change our level of attractiveness to women by working on and improving these skills!

This is incredibly important to realized and implement constantly.

If attraction was based solely on looks, a lot of us would be screwed! Some of us wouldn’t have a chance at being with anybody.

Fortunately we have developed through the years as human beings with social skills. Our mental capacity to learn, evolve, adapt is influenced by whom we surround ourselves with and socialize with.

We have a way of increasing our level of social status through constant repetition. By being disciplined, we create functional habits that are socially increases through this routine over and over again.

Our commitments must be larger then our egos.

Our pride must be pushed aside at times to learn from others that have these social skills. Aka: this is were a coach, mentor or leader (Alpha Male) is in place to make this happen so we increase our social awareness at an accelerated rate than continuing to do things by ourselves and not be socially evolving.

We associate and hang around others whom are more experienced then those who are at our current primitive state of mind and communication to become socially adequate.

If you want to hang around more guys like this, read this.

By working on our personalities and working on our social traits, we can become more desirable in the eyes of more women.

Looks are not permanent They change every day.

The one that will never change is that men who have the best personalities attract the best women.

They have the confidence, leadership, social skills and charisma to be that “alpha male” that women desire.

Women will desire your personality above all else, so work on molding and creating a good one.