leverage Archives - Inner Confidence

The Truth About Height, from a Leverage Moderator

Guest post by a Leverage Program moderator

Don’t let something you can’t change become an excuse.

I am not a small guy, but I’ve had a unique experience. I am 5’11 170 pounds, and I am only attracted to tall athletic girls, 5’8-5’11. That means that they’re taller than me when they wear heels, so most of the time I meet a woman out, she’ll be taller than me.

Tall girls have issues about being big, but a 6’5, 240 pound guy makes them feel small. Most women who are 5’8 and up want to date really tall guys so they can feel small in their arms.

I am by far the shortest and smallest guy any of my girlfriends has ever dated- they always went very far out of their way to let me know this. I dated a girl who was engaged to a professional baseball player who was 6’5. Another ex was dating a minor league hockey player before me. This dude was the Incredible Hulk. And another ex dated a guy on a college football team who was like 6’6, 230lbs, 8% body fat. Her ex before that played major league baseball.

My current girlfriend, who is the shortest girl I’ve dated in 13 years, was a godsend. She is just under 5’6, so surely she would appreciate how tall I am. Nope! Her ex was 6’8 played pro tennis, and ex before that was 6’3 model.

If you guys think you are somehow in a different boat than me, you are wrong. 5’0-5’5 girls are not an option for me because I’m not attracted to them. That leaves me 5’6-6’0 girls.

By and large 5’11 to 6’0 girls aren’t gong to be into me, so that leaves me 4 inches worth of girls to pull from (remember that 5’9 and 5’10 girls want 6’2+ guys).

I’m in your boat because I’m the “little guy” trying to pull chicks who want much larger guys, so I know what it’s like hitting on taller women. How do I combat this?

Personality. I’m charismatic and confident. Every single girl I’ve ever dated at one point or another has said “I feel so safe with you.” Anyone who knows me knows that I have very clear boundaries and I’ll let people know the second they cross them. I think this is what makes the girls feel like I’m strong and they feel protected (which they all say).

Add in some interesting stories, some mentor game, charisma, appear to be a hot commodity, make sure that there’s nothing visual about you that’s repellent, and suddenly the height factor vanishes.

They don’t see your height. They see your other positive attributes.

My buddy Jeremy is 5’6 and doesn’t have a Napoleon Complex. He is chill and easygoing, but he has a stern voice and it’s clear that if he is pushed he’ll let you know to stop. He has consistently pulled girls his height and taller, and this is what he had to say on the subject:

Although height can be an important factor in attraction, it mainly comes down to protection and feeling safe. That has to do with attitude and confidence. Not attitude in a douchey way, but you need to show you’re somebody who is not a pushover. When you stand up for a girl or someone else in a vulnerable position, women find it incredibly sexy.

Here is what another shorter friend had to say:

I am just over 5’7, I just look even shorter because I’m always hanging out with taller guys. Attitude is everything, but that does not mean being a Napoleon. A lot of shorter guys have SFC (short fucker complex) and try to overcompensate, which only makes it even more clear that you are not confident.

>Women feel safe when they know that you are confident and that you will protect them if necessary, but not when they feel like you go over the top to prove that you’re a man because you’re short. I have very clear boundaries and if you cross them, you’ll be let known in a stern way that exudes confidence but not compensation. I always get the “I feel safe with you” which is simply a function of confidence.

Yes, I consistently pull 5’8 or 5’9 chicks who are much taller than me when in heels. I have to make up for that with personality, charisma, and be more fun and interesting than the taller guys. It is a disadvantage, but if there’s one thing a girl loves more than anything, it’s having fun and laughing. I also think power plays into it too.

If you hang out with the mods in Leverage, you can instantly see that most of the guys in our group can turn the lights on in a room with the air of confidence, power, and charisma. Robbie speaks in front of large groups of people, and you can feel that energy when he walks into a room. There is a level of confidence that communicates you are powerful to a woman. It’s not necessarily what you do for a living, but how you feel about it and how you portray yourself. Find your strengths and leverage them.

So there you have it guys. Height can be a disadvantage, but it’s certainly something that you can overcome by developing your personality and positive attributes.

If You Play it Safe You’re Boring

by Tyler W 1 Comment

When you look at guys who are great with women, or anyone with peak social awareness, they perform a bunch of smaller actions that add up to an arsenal of social skills. These discrete skills combine to form a killer ability to communicate with others and assertively get what they want.

When we’re teaching you to improve your dating life, we focus on a lot. Accumulating as much practice as you can and playing the “numbers game” is part of it. Developing your character is also part of it, and it can seem overwhelming to go from where you are now to the success you really dream of.

While it’s true that there are millions of little moves you’ve got to understand, it’s also true that what often looks like natural competence with women is the result of daily habits constructed over a long period of time. Guys who do well with women tend to have just naturally absorbed attractive behaviors from role models such as fathers, teammates, coaches, and friends. And one thing guys who are successful have in common is that they never play it safe.

Guys don’t take risks in conversation because they don’t want to piss people off, say the “wrong thing”, or get rejected. So they play it safe, and end up being boring.

When guys want to play it safe, the things they do in one-on-one conversations or in social situations are seeking a reaction, seeking relevance to whatever is being discussed, and to ward off FOMO. They’re seeking validation and avoiding taking risks. It’s easier to force a pity laugh by making a lame, non-risky joke than to take a stand and disagree with others.

It’s easy to say “stop giving a fuck what other people think” but that isn’t actually helpful because it doesn’t tell you what to do instead. Conversations are only hard or scary if you aren’t confident in what you’re discussing, so guys often ask for topics they should discuss. What they’re missing is that no one can tell you what to say. It’s something you have to develop on your own with a lot of practice.

That means a lot of trial and error. That means a lot of putting your foot in your mouth. Everyone starts out saying lame stuff, then they get better. Reading feedback is key, and since humans are naturally social, this happens automatically. You read the feedback of others you interact with and passively develop s sense of pattern recognition around having exciting conversations.

Talk to everyone. A study done at the University of British Columbia showed that if you interact with more people throughout the day, you’ll be happier and have a stronger sense of belonging, and it doesn’t even matter if they’re good friends or just casual acquaintances. Everyone wants to have fun conversations and you can easily be the guy who delivers that experience. Talking to everyone you encounter throughout your day teaches you how to push past fear, and you get tons of reps starting conversations with strangers.

Over time, you’ll start to surprise yourself with the things you say in conversation. You won’t really be sure where they come from, but you’ll spontaneously come up with great, witty content and banter. Being cool is when you’re not easily excitable about stuff that doesn’t involve you, and not being easily excitable in general, and eventually you’ll automatically reach this point.

Do this: Say more crazy stuff and stop trying to play it safe. You’ll get better the more you practice.

Do I Need To Be Rich To Date Hot Women?

by Tyler W Leave a Comment

monopoly A lot the teachings of Inner Confidence are how you can use minimalism to be successful in all areas of life. There’s a big misconception out there that you need to have money to date women.

It’s crucial to understand that the only lasting method of having a healthy dating life is to first, develop the characteristics that women find attractive, second, learn how to display those characteristics, and third, put yourself in situations where the kind of women you want to meet will notice you displaying those characteristics.

Money can be a signal for traits that women find attractive, like perseverance, entrepreneurship, ambition, and leadership. But money is not the same as those things. It’s just a proxy.

What does this mean for your dating life? Developing these attractive traits is MORE IMPORTANT than making money. Sure, making money is usually a side effect of working on yourself in this way, but money is just a signal for what’s actually attractive. Women are not hard-wired to respond to money, since we evolved before money was invented. But they are hard-wired to respond to all the positive personality traits that being rich signals.

How else can you signal these personality traits, other than becoming rich? Equally attractive to cultivating wealth is the ideal of having few possessions, traveling all the time, and having a life filled with rich experiences. It’s not a coincidence that this is the type of lifestyle we advocate at Inner Confidence, and it’s why we even teach you how to do it.

We’re happier when we spend money on experiences, like traveling and other people, than when we spend it on material goods and ourselves. This same idea easily applies to dating: the experience is more important than anything you can buy.

Emotional connection is always the primary element of attraction, and everything else is either secondary or noise. If you’re using money to signal your attractive traits, it’s secondary, and if you think money on its own will attract women, it’s just noise. When you can connect with a woman emotionally, intellectually, and spiritually, how much money you make becomes irrelevant.

5 of the Most Effective Tips for Improving Your Vocal Tonality

by Tyler W Leave a Comment

Some guys are born with a naturally powerful voice that turns women on. Most guys aren’t as fortunate. Some guys have naturally picked up good habits from their peers, friends, and families. Most guys don’t put in this kind of effort, but they should. Even professionals like sportscasters have spent hundreds of hours working on their own and with coaches to sound more confident.

1. Open your mouth wider
Do you mumble? Open your mouth wider.

Do you speak too quickly? Open your mouth wider.

Do you speak too softly? Open your mouth wider.

This could go on and on, and there’s a good reason for this piece of advice: a huge amount of vocal tonality issues disappear when you simply open your mouth wider. It’s one of the first tips singers learn, and it’s as close to a magic pill as you can get when you’re working on your voice.

2. Breathe from your diaphragm
Even though it’s the only skill we’ve been using since birth, most people actually breathe incorrectly. Take a deep breath, hold it for a few seconds, and exhale.

Did you shoulders rise and fall? If they did, that means you’re breathing wrong. Correct breathing happens from the diaphragm, not the chest. When you breathe, the only thing that should be moving is your stomach because that means you’re properly breathing from your diaphragm.

When you breathe properly, you speak with more power and conviction, and come across as more seductive without even thinking about it.

3. Stop ending your sentences with an upward inflection
Don’t do this (unless you’re a Kardashian).

4. Record yourself
Most guys never do this because it’s awkward, uncomfortable, and even downright painful to hear their own voices. But this is another situation where just taking the simplest step will already put you ahead of most steps. Do something that’s uncomfortable and listen to your own speech.

Read a paragraph out loud while recording it on your iPhone. Once you get over the discomfort of hearing your own voice, the insights you’ll gain from listening critically will lead to rapid improvements in your voice.

5. Learn to relax your larynx
Guys with weak or feminine sounding voices often carry too much tension in their larynx (the muscle that we think of as the Adam’s Apple). Diaphragmatic breathing can help significantly, but it’s even more important to do exercises that specifically target the larynx. Search Youtube for tutorials, and practice these at least once a day. You’ll be shocked at how quickly your voice improves.

Most of the social skills you need to learn to improve your life are difficult. Vocal tonality is an exception. It just takes 10 minutes a day of following these simple tips to experience real results.

Why is approaching so important for building confidence?

by Tyler W Leave a Comment

You’ve heard me say it over and over, but if you expect to get results and you’re not crushing approaches or already dating multiple women, it’s just not gonna happen.

If you wanna get good at basketball you’ve gotta take a ton of shots right? You can’t expect to show up at the court, stand around with the ball and expect to improve can you?

Well, that’s what many of you guys are doing, and then whining that you suck and the program isn’t working. That line of thinking is actually offensive to guys who have put in the work. Robbie crushed 10k approaches by the time he was in his late 20’s. Now he never has to approach anyone because he paid his dues.

Confidence isn’t a switch you flip because you feel like it. It’s something you develop over thousands of repetitions. Confidence occurs as the byproduct of developing your skills.

Here’s what you can expect in terms of objective results when you start making approaches:

1,000 approaches get most guys past anxiety.
The next 2,000 get you more comfortable being in the moment.
The next 2,000 after that get you dates with 6’s, 7’s and occasional 8’s, as long as your fashion, accent, body language and fitness are on point.
Once you hit the 5,000+ mark, it becomes almost silly to day game anymore because odds are you’re crushing social circle and night game much harder, because you have a much hotter pool of women to draw from.

“Fake it till you make it” really means perform an action repeatedly until it becomes a habit. You can’t fake an action and expect it to work long-term, but you can keep performing an action until it becomes comfortable.

Let’s take Leverage Program member Joe as a case study. I met him in 2007 at a workshop Robbie was leading in Phoenix. He didn’t sign up, and didn’t reach out again until 2014, when he signed up for the Leverage Program. He spent his first six months in the course downloading lessons into his brain and getting crushed in the group for douchey behavior. He did a great job taking the feedback without getting angry or salty. He lost some weight then grew a cool beard then approached like crazy. Now he’s consistently banging 6’s and the occasional 7+. See how that works guys?

Meaningful life change isn’t something you develop instantly as a result of being motivated. It only comes through baby steps and daily habits. You have to improve your social skills, physiological state, building relationships, and objectively achieve success with women. Focus on getting more reps, but ignore the 10,000 hour rule, because Malcolm Gladwell got it wrong.

Eventually, you’ll get to the point where you have the eye of the tiger. The eye of the tiger is an expression we use for a guy who has a lot confidence, has fucked a lot of women and isn’t intimidated by women.

When you reach this point in your game, you tend to use eye contact as your number one tool for approaching. Women will smell your confidence and you’ll notice them checking you out. You throw a seductive look their way and see how they react. If she gives you love, you walk over and just say hi. It’s often a done deal from there, granted you don’t say anything stupid.

Essentially, being an active member of the Leverage group and hitting on a TON of women will help you develop your eye of the tiger.

True confidence only comes from demonstrated performance. It’s hard to fool your subconscious mind, which is why gimmicks like NLP and positive affirmations are just a band-aid that ultimately fails.

Most guys overestimate how different they are from others. What this means is that you can simply take someone else’s path to success, and emulate it. Take the same actions that they took. Look to your mentors to build your identity. Do what they did. Do what works.

Reader question: How do I escape the friend zone?

by Robbie Leave a Comment

A reader asks:

I’m planning out a date with an old casual friend from my hometown, where I’ve been staying for a few months. I recently got out of a 5 year relationship and looking forward to dating again.

Background: I’ve somewhat had a crush on her. I always had an older brother-sister frame with her. I want to use this harmless coffee to take a step beyond the friendship dynamic. I know I need to do this very smoothly so there is no weirdness and end up creeping her out. What’s the best way to do this?

You are going about this with the wrong frame of mind. She knows you are both out of a relationship and it’s going to look super telegraphed and desperate on your part if you try to pursue her romantically. You’ll likely fail, look like a huge idiot/douche/loser, and also end up ruining the friendship.

Damaging a long-term friendship for pussy is really dumb because cool, attractive girls will usually have others just like them who they can hook you up with.

You’re much better off going this route and letting her make an obvious move on you if she’s attracted to you. You might think there’s something there in her mind, but you aren’t even close to qualified to make that assessment.

Hang out with her, connect and treat her like a friend. The less sleazy romantic and flirty you are, the better. Treat her like your little sister and bust her balls as you would with a little sister. Attempt to see her another time soon in a group situation. Don’t ask her out on anything that seems like a date.

You’re finally single! Now you can daygame and use the Leverage Program how it’s designed, instead of trying to go for the “seemingly easy layups” with girls from your past. I promise it’s way more difficult than meeting new girls, and the downside severely outweighs the upside when things inevitably turn awkward and jeopardize the friendship.

The bigger picture here is that guys with a scarcity mentality, who haven’t hit on enough women, are the ones who get “friend-zoned.” It’s a result of guys being attracted to a girl but not having the courage to announce their intentions, then when they do girl says “no” and they follow her around hoping she will come around one day. I’m not saying this is the case with you, but guys who do this are dishonest and pathetic.

Don’t pursue every woman you meet. Instead befriend them, THEN YOU ARE PUTTING HER IN THE FRIEND ZONE. Eventually some of the girls you befriend will want to date you, they’ll introduce you to their friends, and your life will be better. Stop saying that stupid phrase “friend zone,” because it’s holding you back. GTFO with this mentality. Make friends, be casual, work hard, have fun, and turn your brain chatter off.

Just build regular normal two-way friendships. If you want a girl, ask her out. If she says no, move on. Voila- all your problems are solved.

How do I connect with girls on their level?

by Tyler W Leave a Comment

A common challenge for guys during the process of developing their conversation skills is that they struggle to connect with girls intellectually. But most of the time, this isn’t a challenge they realize they’re facing, because it expresses itself in other ways. The most common way it shows up is when guys ask “How do I turn my brain off and talk to girls on their level?” or “How do I connect with girls at parties?”

This is something I’ve always had a natural inclination for. I didn’t even realize it was a useful skill until I heard a bunch of other guys lamenting about the challenges of talking to “dumb girls.” While their view of this is skewed, with some reflection, I’ve been able to identify that in my case this ability arose out of a combination of my natural personality traits with some skills I’ve consciously developed. It comes down to three things I’m doing.

The three factors that you need to employ to connect with anyone are curiosity, unconditional positive regard, and empathy.

1. Curiosity

Everyone is naturally curious about certain topics. Some people are more curious about technology and systems, while the guys who are naturally good with women are often curious about social relationships and sports.

The good thing about curiosity is that “fake it till you make it” definitely applies here. Faking curiosity looks the same as actually being curious, and it’s how you learn curiosity as a social skill. When you ask questions to fully understand where someone else is coming from and make statements to relate it back to your own perspective, there’s no such thing as “faking it”. Your actions matter, not your thoughts, so there’s nothing you’re really faking here.

Asking questions to find out what other people value in life will always prompt good discussion, and it doesn’t matter if someone is a party girl or a genius who likes all the same things as you- both of these individuals have values that you can explore, and all these values point to ironies about the human condition and commonalities we all share.

So that girl you have trouble connecting with because you don’t understand her? The fact that you don’t understand her is an asset you can use to your advantage! Be curious and try to understand her, because this quest will provide endless conversation material.

2. Unconditional positive regard

Unconditional positive regard is a fancy way of saying not to judge people. It’s one of the first skills that new therapists learn, which is how I came across it. Psychologist Carl Rogers coined the term, and Wikipedia has a great definition: “the basic acceptance and support of a person regardless of what the person says or does.”

It’s not about liking or approving what someone is talking about, it’s about accepting it, and showing that matter what they say, you’re not judging their value as a human being as a result of it. This means not emotionally reacting when someone tells you something that violates society’s norms. The best example is reacting nonchalantly if a girl tells you that she’s a stripper or a porn star. If you don’t have a visible reaction on your face and you continue the conversation just as if she said she’s an accountant, that’s unconditional positive regard.

When a woman feels that she can tell you about anything and you won’t judge her for it, that’s extremely powerful. That’s a foundation that can lead to the raunchiest sexual conversation, or it can lead to her telling you her deepest secrets faster than she’s ever told anyone else before.

Carl Rogers sums up why this is so powerful: “When a person realizes he has been deeply heard, his eyes moisten. I think in some real sense he is weeping for joy. It is as though he were saying, ‘Thank God, somebody heard me. Someone knows what it’s like to be me.’”

3. Empathy

I saved empathy for last on purpose. Everything thinks they know what it means, like compassion, or sympathy. But let’s look at what it ACTUALLY means and how we can use it to our advantage in this situation. Yes, that means I’m getting out the dictionary.

The Random House Dictionary defines empathy as “the psychological identification with or vicarious experiencing of the feelings, thoughts, or attitudes of another.” When I said everyone thinks they know what it means, it’s because people think they get it at a superficial level. What the typical superficial understanding misses is how this can be a superpower in your arsenal of connection skills.

Empathy means psychological perspective-taking. It’s more than just seeing an experience through someone else’s eyes; it’s living it through their all their emotions and senses. I guarantee that if you try to fully empathize with someone about an experience they’ve had, you will not run out of things to say. There are always more things you can ask to better understand where they’ve been and where they’re coming from.

Never run out of things to say? How is this possible?

All humans have experienced the same emotions, and we connect by resonating with each other emotionally.

When you fully try to understand someone else’s emotional experience, that’s how emotional bonds are formed.

The homie Carl Rogers is back at it again: “Being empathic means: ‘To be with another in this way means that for the time being you lay aside the views and values you hold for yourself in order to enter another’s world without prejudice. In some sense it means that you lay aside your self and this can only be done by a person who is secure enough in himself that he knows he will not get lost in what may turn out to be the strange or bizarre world of the other, and can comfortably return to his own world when he wishes. Perhaps this description makes clear that being empathic is a complex, demanding, strong yet subtle and gentle way of being.’”

Why Going to Brazil Made Me Rethink My Life

by Robbie 2 Comments

Guest post by Cory, Leverage Program member

I went to Brazil on the Inner Confidence Leverage trip and it changed my life.

First, because this is Inner Confidence, I’ll talk about the woman of Brazil and my experiences with them. Simply put, I fell in love three times this trip. I met more cooler girls in two weeks in Brazil than during the last year and a half in the states. There are three girls that I am actually upset that I am leaving, and cannot continue the connection that we were able to create. One actually spent most of the day trying to get me to change my flight and stay. All of them were incredibly beautiful, super fun, sweet and kind.

Brazilian woman are feminine and WANT you to be masculine. This, I know, is a difficult thing to explain until you are able to see it live and in the flesh. In short, there isn’t a power struggle here. Woman in the states are so worried about losing power that you have to play games to get them to really admit anything. There is a dynamic that they both want to be the masculine and feminine of the relationship, but still rely on you for their emotional satisfaction. It’s so fucked.

Robbie explained this dynamic to me a ton with his travels to Eastern Europe, but it’s really not something you understand until you live it and see it in the flesh. Everything seems more natural. It’s a more direct dance of seduction. No games. If they like you they will stay; if they don’t they will leave. Even with a tough language barrier, if you provide a masculine energy, they will subdue to it because they want to be feminine.

With the three girls I connected with on this trip, there was one pickup line: “Do you speak english?” Either I got love or I didn’t. If they did, the dance was a lot more direct. Less push/pull, and more just enjoying each others company. It really was nothing special: all I would do was project that I was supposed to be there, she should be talking to me, give a lot of eye contact and smirking, and just plain being out having fun. This would work. It was really that simple.

To project that the feeling that I belong there seemed to be the most important. Brazilian men are very aggressive so if you are timid in a group, the girls would sense it right away and you’d be blown out. If you project your presence as a fun guy that they should be talking to, it actually wasn’t difficult.

That said, it’s not like these girls won’t test you. They definitely will, maybe even more so than in the states, but it’s a lot less of a gamey kind of test. They really just want to make sure you are a man so they can be a woman for you.

The second takeaway for me centers on the idea of people you surround yourself with. I knew this was incredibly important going in. I mean shit, it was the main reason I joined the group in the first place. Positive energy around you is so contagious. And the positivity in our house was infectious. I LOVED all the guys I met and I am really upset to not have them around all the time.

When you constantly surround yourself with people that just want to be better, it just makes you want to do that so much more. This house was full of that.

James, in short, is the man. He is exactly the kind of guy you want to surround yourself with. He will constantly push you to do better and inspire you to test your boundaries. At the same time, very open to feedback, very even keel, and super easy to be around. I like to think of myself as a good judge of character, and the second I walked into the house and spent 10 min with him, I said to Robbie “I think James is going to be my new best friend.” I hope we really do get into some business, traveling, and “pretty much anything” adventures soon. I am excited for that.

Joey is so much more awesome than he gives himself credit for (I think he really started to believe this at the end of the trip). He is super chill and when I go to LA he best believe I want to go out with him. Even though he doesn’t consider himself as good with girls, his attitude and his openness to feedback makes it so it doesn’t matter. He will never slow you down and will only add to a good crew. He came away from the trip an absolute approach beast (I hope that continues in LA Joey) and really added value to the group. He got my second girl over to the table. So for that thank you homie. I recommend any of you guys in the LA area to make it a point to go out with him. He will help you tenfold. Any other help you need big guy just let me know.

Sherban is the chillest dude on the planet. Absolutely one of the chiller, cooler dudes you will meet. Great vibe, great energy, positive attitude it was good to be around. I know this wasn’t the place to talk shop but since we do the same thing we should sometime.

Luis and Robbie, I mean what more can you say? Straight beasts. Loved hanging out with you guys. They really brought the party and was always open to give feedback to anyone they thought needed it. Not in a dick way but a cool ass way that would really help. I can’t wait to hang with you guys soon.

Last (the group doesn’t know him) is James’s friend Armondo. The dude is a beast too. The absolute man. Inspired me in all sorts of ways and I hope with him, I created another close friend. It’s amazing to walk away from a trip only previously knowing Robbie, and walking away feeling like you legitimately made six new best friends. Your social circle is super important and having guys around that make you better is awesome. I am going back more motivated and inspired than ever, and I have all these guys to thank for that.

Last topic I took away from would be lifestyle. I walk away realizing I have been too complacent. I have been trying to get together the lifestyle of remote work and bouncing coasts that’s encouraged in Leverage. I have started to get this done by having a place in Boston and San Diego. I realized I am being WAY too narrow minded about this. It’s a huge world out there so how can you say American culture is the best for you when you haven’t experienced any others? I am not just talking visiting, I am talking really immersing yourself in a culture and deeply learning how you feel about it. James and Armondo really inspired this for me: learning the culture, the women, and the way of life.

Why am I so settled on the US as my base? I am young and need to put myself in situations to test boundaries and see if there is a better place for me out there. Just being here for two weeks I realized that I will most likely not end up with an American girl. I’ve always loved the Latina women, but real talk, I was more excited with the three girls I connected with in Brazil in TWO weeks than anyone in the last 18 months in the states.

18 MONTHS!! It is crazy. It’s not like I’m not meeting girls in the states either. So then I have to ask you. What type of girls do you like? What type of weather do you like? What type of activities do you like? Answer those questions and then ask yourself “WHY AREN’T YOU FUCKING THERE??”. I love Latina girls, warm weather, the beach, ocean and nightlife. So fucking duh Cory…why aren’t you doing something to put yourself in a situation where you have all these at excess? AKA why aren’t you in South America? Seems so obvious, but I think people can get so complacent in one area of their lives they forget the basic fact of “Where is the best place for my happiness?”

It’s the optimal game theory that the group always talks about. If you don’t want college girls, why are you going to a college bar? Why am I in Boston for 6 months out of the year when I don’t like Boston girls or Boston weather? I really don’t know. So I think you really have to answer these questions honestly and then say “Okay, so what do I have to do to get there and get what I want?” For me I have those. 1. Language barrier…easy, classes and immersion…boom, done. Next would be sure up a solid remote working situation. I love my job but if you look at it when you’re answering those questions, it shouldn’t get in the way of my happiness.

It’s so much easier to not live a life of scarcity when you live in excess of the things you love, so put yourself in excess. Don’t be scared to experience new things. Part of being human is the guarantee that what you want and like will change. So test your preferences, and find what moves you right now. Worst case, you become a more cultured and interesting guy. There isn’t a way that doesn’t help you in life. I will do my best in the very near future to start immersing myself in new cultures and try out new things and put myself in excess instead of looking for things that literally just don’t exist as much where I am.

So ask yourself: What do you like? What do you want? Where are those things? Then what the fuck are you doing to get there?

Why The Stories You’re Telling Yourself Don’t Help

by Tyler W Leave a Comment

One of the most popular features of the Leverage Program is that guys post writeups of social experiences and interactions they have, and they get feedback from other members and experts in the group.

The best way to get systematic step-by-step advice based on what we know works is to be objective. Both when you’re looking at your own life and your own interactions, you need to get specific about behaviors.

Here’s an excerpt from a writeup of a Leverage Program member recalling an interaction while out at a bar:
“She then gets mad at me over something stupid (I went out to check on her while she was smoking, she literally was mean mugging me for 10 minutes afterwards cuz she wanted me to keep her friend company).”

Why does this writeup prevent the group from helping him?

1. It’s emotional instead of objective (“Gets mad”)
So what did she say? What did she do? How did you know she was “mad”? Is there a chance your assessment is inaccurate?

2. It’s too vague (“Went out to check on her”)
What did you actually do? Checking on someone can mean a million things.

3. It isn’t factually accurate (“Literally was mean mugging me”)
Sigh, improper use of “literally”. That aside, this doesn’t paint a picture of what actually happened, and “mean mugging,” while a socially acceptable term, isn’t clear enough in this context.

4. It’s attempting to read the intentions of others instead of their behavior (“She wanted me to keep her friend company”)
What happened that made you think this? If she said that, tell us what words she said, not what you think she meant.

This isn’t just something that guys in the Leverage Program do when recalling the events that happened while out at a bar. It’s a pattern that we all do when we tell ourselves stories about our lives.

We all have blind spots, but it’s important to be objective about these blind spots by getting specific about behaviors. Whether you tell yourself “that interaction went well” or “that didn’t go well,” you’re not being objective or accurate about the situation. You’re letting your emotional interpretation control your view of what happened, rather than the events themselves.

Focus on the situation, not your interpretation of the situation.

Assess your progress from the facts, not how you feel.

And most importantly, bounce your stories off others so they can keep your emotional interpretations in check and help you improve.

Inner Confidence on Elite Daily: Leveraging a Mobile Lifestyle

by Tyler W Leave a Comment

“The research from psychology and behavioral economics is clear: We’re happier when we spend money on experiences, like traveling and other people, than when we spend it on material goods and ourselves.”