Guest Post
We’ve all been flaked on. Regardless of how good-looking, charismatic or genuinely interesting we may be… sometimes the inevitable “letdown text” comes in, leaving us high and dry. Sometimes it’s no biggie, but let’s be honest: sometimes it’s a total bummer! On average, however, men have to deal with it on a much more frequent basis than us women – so it would behoove you to prepare for this and, better yet, prevent it.
Yes, I feel bad when I flake, but these days, especially in L.A. where I live, as women, it has become somewhat the norm. It sounds bad, but it’s becoming true. However, I always beat myself up for it when I do flake and try not to make a habit of it. It shows of someone’s character, so keep that in mind. The general rule of thumb: one flake is allowed, two if strange circumstances arose.
Starting off minor, leading up to more concerning examples of why and how I flake on dates, here are just a few of the reasons I’ve flaked on some of my recent dates. So, why do women flake?
1. I’m tired
And lazy sometimes. I don’t roll out of bed looking like an 8. I *think* most men realize this, but they’re unaware of the fact that it’s enough to make me cancel on a date entirely sometimes. It might sound high-maintenance and frustrating, but brutal honesty is needed sometimes, guys. After a long workday or strenuous night prior, if I went out last night with friends, I don’t feel like getting my ass off the couch at 6 p.m. to begin the hour-long getting ready process for a date that may or may not be mediocre. It totally depends on my mood and if I happen to be in chill mode, you may suffer. Sorry, boys.
2. I’m hungover
I’ll admit, I’m slightly ashamed at the number of dates I’ve flaked out on due to the poor decisions I’ve made the night before out partying. Side note: Fridays, Saturdays and Sundays are the primary days this tends to occur. Thursday is the new Friday and Friday the new Saturday, so in an attempt to avoid being the bailout guy, book her on a Thursday or, to be safe, a Wednesday.
3. I’m having a bad skin day/something physical is going on with me that I don’t want to expose you to
It may sound silly or dumb, but hear me out. Girls will be girls! I hear from boys all the time “you’re pretty naturally, you don’t need all that makeup.” While she may appreciate the sentiment, this isn’t enough for her to power through that time of the month, or a big blemish on her face. Sometimes, it just doesn’t jibe and as far as women are concerned, we’re all allowed some personal time every now and again.
4. Something genuinely came up, or I’ve been running late all day and just couldn’t catch up.
In these situations, usually what’s happened is: I couldn’t get it together by the end of the day, don’t want to deal with the stress, and a flake is a much easier way to deal.
Women get hit on all the time and basically have an unlimited number of options, so there’s always the chance that I’ve met another guy I’m more attracted to. It may not necessarily be another guy per se, but something has come up that is more appealing than going on a date with someone I don’t really know.
The plans themselves could actually vary, but they sounded more exciting than whatever it was we had planned.
5. The Social Media Curse
If we met through social media or an online dating site/app, and for whatever reason I’m not feeling 100% up to going out, I don’t *really* feel too terrible flaking, because these guys are a dime a dozen. I’ve never met him, he’s one of 25 different guys I’m communicating with on my “Matches” list on Tinder. He can be easily replaced. And, he probably hadn’t stood out to me too much to begin with. This is why it’s so important to stick out from other guys on dating apps like Tinder.
6. I had to work late
For a lot of girls, there’s a window of time after we leave work that frees us up so that we can get ready in time for a date. If that time frame gets passed up due to finishing work late, traffic, etc. it’s no longer worth it to me to rush and get ready in time for this date. Flake!
Now we’re getting down to the reasons to be more concerned about.
7. I didn’t like you from the beginning and I never had the guts to tell you
Otherwise known as “buyer’s remorse.” Sometimes I still won’t actually agree to meet a guy in person because I was never all that interested, and therefore I have no incentive to see him again. That being said, I won’t ever admit this to you. Why did I agree to the date in the first place? Great question! Who knows. Maybe you made me nervous at the time, and I didn’t want to create an awkward situation by rejecting your offer. Whatever the case, every now and again, I lose enthusiasm for what seemed like a good idea at the time, and when the time comes to actually go on the date, I for some reason create an excuse to flake. Remember, if you really want something, you’ll find a way – but if you don’t, you’ll find an excuse.
It’s bad, but with these guys, I totally ice-flake last minute or no text/call completely. I can’t deal with the confrontation in these particularly bad flake situations. I try to do this as minimally as possible because it is such a F-you. But pretty girls these days are all guilty of this. Sometimes, men come at me so aggressively that I give them my number in slight fear/annoyance to make them go away, without thinking about how I’m going to deal ahead. I just did this to a guy last night. There are SIGNS to look for when a girl may be doing this.
8. It faded out
She’s busy, I’m busy. It’s your job to keep the line of interest running strong, and to secure a date within a pretty quick time frame without risking the fade-out and fizzle. The initial excitement she felt at the prospect of going out with you has faded as her lifestyle has gotten in the way and you haven’t intercepted.
This is preventable, and if it happens, it is your fault. Maybe she’s just not feeling frisky or adventurous enough. That’s a problem you can solve. Men are not the only ones who get nervous about relationships, so work on loosening up. Always have a good plan for your date. Make jokes, be sweet. Woo her, but do it in a manner in which you’re always going to be the one in control.
9. She was just a tease
Some women intentionally go out and give guys their numbers because they WANT guys they never plan to sleep with chasing them around. Some of the reasons these manipulative women engage in this “teasing” behavior is because it gives them wanted attention, an ego boost by impressing other women, and assurance that they could in fact have certain men if they wanted.
You can think of these type of girls as: ice queens who will usually suck you dry for whatever it is you can offer them.
10. If you’ve booked me for the second date on the first date, something in the interim has occurred that has made me like you less
This is pretty self-explanatory. If, for some inexplicable reason, she goes totally cold between dates when she seemed into you the last time you saw her in person, consider whether or not you’ve done or said something dumb or annoying.
11. You were a backup to begin with
I tend to do this with guys who are generally nice, cool or “okay” guys who I like enough to keep around and/or people I like to have in my social arsenal. But, these are guys who I won’t ever take seriously or pursue myself.
- These are guys that bring *something* to the table but tend to bore me in person.
- These guys come in really handy for me, but this situation totally sucks for you.
- We call these guys “orbiters,” stuck in satellite forever- YEARS- believing that one day, maybe just one day, they’ll catch me at an off moment and score with me. Well, don’t hold your breath, guys. I personally have never hooked up with any of my 7 or 8 orbiters.
- I’m just not that into you, in these circumstances.
12. The other guy
There’s always a guy in her life that she’ll dump all other plans for, and you could be dealing with a “testing the waters” situation. It’s not necessarily her boyfriend, but the guy she’s been obsessed with for however long, for whatever reasons. You want to be this guy.
Girls just want to have fun. We don’t always make the smartest or most well-thought-out decisions. When my friends and I are out and about, I’ll talk to almost anyone. I like the attention guys give me, especially if I’m tipsy and in a flirty mood. Other girls are like me. Yes, I may give you my number and I might have seemed a 6 or 7 into you during our first interaction.
However…waking up the next morning when I’m hungover, sober and I have two texts from my boyfriend wanting to go on a hike, responding to your text is now my 3rd or 4th priority. And if she has a particularly jealous or involved boyfriend – you may never hear from her again, in fear of being found out.
This situation is annoying, because:
1. If you’ve been talking to her for a bit, she’s probably been lying to you the entire time or downplaying the situation (girls can be notorious for this) and that shows of her moral character
2. She’s cheating on him, so that also shows of her character
3. These chicks are usually very high maintenance
4. You don’t want to deal with a third party
There is hope.
- There are always signs to look for in her texts or body language that will signal she might flake out, and things you can do to counteract this.
- Control the interactions. Don’t be controlling, but don’t let her push you around, either. It’s imperative to apply this tactic early on in your interactions with her, from the get-go. Otherwise, it’ll just look like you turned concerned and salty out of nowhere or over something in particular.
- Meet women during the day. They’re less likely to flake.
- You might not be #1, but there is a chance she may sleep with you still if the other guy is not being attentive and/or giving her enough attention, if she’s in a vulnerable state or is simply just feeling like she needs to get some action. But, it’s imperative to hold your cool and remain sexy, confident and in the lead to get her to that point – remember, you’re number 2 for a reason. You can’t afford to be slacking off 😉
I always just assume it’s periods…this one girl I know has been perioding for 4 years lol
HAHA!
This list is why I hate white girls.
This list is everything that’s wrong with young women these days.
It’s the norm all over the country for women to flake. Another reason is that she doesn’t know you well and that someone she knows is setting her up with another man in the other guy section. Also, she doesn’t think you’re perfect enough unlike the other guy.
If you’re a great texter you can overcome these challenges.
What a terribly written article. Boils down to – Girls have more options than you do, sorry thats the way it goes! Deal with it lol, and keep trying to become better, and better, and better, with no type of commitment from them. The most interesting trend of I’ve noticed in articles about flaking is this – they all carry the powerful assumption that the whole of the guy going out with the girl was to get laid – it couldn’t be, because, *gasp*, he wanted to get to know the girl for her personality. When girls flake, they are stripping the guy of the chance to get to know them. Honestly, I think girls who flake on guys cannot complain about guys only wanting sex – no shit if you can’t show up a date that you said yes to and a guy made plans for, then yeah you aren’t going to attract guys who want to get to know you for you.
I hear your frustration “Johnny Doe” but unfortunately, women do assume that guys just want to get laid, because well mostly they do, lol. But there’s nothing wrong with that and the more you try to make it look like you want something else, the less they will trust you. In my experience, the more straightforward I am, the way less likely I will get flaked on.
-I hear your frustration “Johnny Doe” but unfortunately, women do assume that guys just want to get laid, because well mostly they do, lol. But there’s nothing wrong with that and the more you try to make it look like you want something else, the less they will trust you.-
You are so full of shit it boggles my mind. Stereotyping men is perfectly ok in your book – that’s the new trend in society, right or wrong. All men want sex so its ok if i mess around with the guys heads who actually want to date me. That’s what you’re saying, and you don’t care, that’s amazing.
Differentiating between men who want to just fuck, and may want to fuck, but actually stick around and date you, is beyond your abilities. You just said in your response that women trust men less than make it seem like they want something else besides sex? That’s the worst, worst advice I’ve ever seen in my life. Do you how inundated society is with messages for men “DONT JUST WANT WOMEN FOR SEX!! GET TO KNOW THEM FOR THEM!” Hence men trying to conversate, and make plans to see you, and see if there is chemistry?
The way you just casually dismiss that is very revealing about your sense of entitlement.
The ‘advice’ you post in this article is beyond ridiculous, and actually scratch that, it isn’t advice. It’s just ‘yes i flake and yes I’m the SH*T so i can get away with it, and there is nothing you can do about it. Tee hee!” Nothing more. Don’t try to make it sound like anything else or that its actually constructive advice in anyway for a man who deals with entitled people like yourself.
If women had the guts to tell themselves ‘yes I have a part in dating to, and i need to do it – if i say yes, show up, and see what happens from there. I should do at least that much since the guy had the guts to ask me out and is gonna pay for dinner just to get to know me -‘ But we don’t discuss anymore what a woman’s role is in dating – because women are now Gods in dating, and men are just disposable. That’s why there are no articles that criticize women for doing it – because men are disposable! It’s ok to treat men like shit! The entire tone of your article shows that.
Ensuring that I’m super entertaining and witty between the time I get your number and our date to make sure I stand amongst the X number of other guys hitting you up so you show up (which you already said you ‘love’ to go on), isn’t a realistic expectation, its actually the complete opposite. It’s also needlessly making guys less relaxed about dating, and you would probably say guys need to be organic and easygoing about the process, and shouldn’t try so hard. It’s hard to do that when you are wondering if the date will actually go down until the person shows up right in front of you. Did it ever occur to you inconsiderate that is?
But that isn’t possible to be relaxed about dating when you say things like “i have soooooo many options you better stand out.” Any girl who says that me, regardless of their looks, is a disgusting person. That statements perfectly captures the mindset of ‘I’m judging you and its a scorecard and you better hit all 10’s just to have conversation with me in a safe public place where you are going to pay for everything and I’ll decide after that if you are worthy of the second date.’ That’s a toxic, entitled mindset that is unfortunately infecting the dating arena.
The most interesting part about your article, is that you somehow try to imply that ‘yes i flake and its wrong, but here’s what YOU can do it about it. . .’, as if it’s guy’s fault. For some reason, all articles suggest what guys ‘can do’, as if its their fault. There’s nothing I or any man can do about it, flaking is something that is 100% in a woman’s hands, whatever the reason. I can’t make you show up on a date if you are interesting in fucking around for an ego boost. If a girl is gonna show up and using you as a validation dispenser, for lack of a better term, that’s in her control. If she isn’t going to show up, that’s also in her control. And don’t give me the bs speech about girls sometimes get busy – if thats the case, OFFER TO RESCHEDULE AND ACTUALLY SHOW UP. For real, shame on you for being so entitled and egotistical to admit your actions are shitty, and take zero of the responsibility for it.
And to be clear, I’m not frustrated – I do not date, I’m going die alone, and I accept that. Approaching women that I like in person or in real life is a complete waste of time, precisely because of women who embody the mindset of the woman (or the made up woman by the male writer) writer of this article. I’ve been flaked in every way you can imagine, even in situations where the girl showed interest, verbally, and physically. It’s a horrible society we live in where so many men get shunned because of technology, that allowed women to become mini-celebrities, and get hit on, and messaged at astronomical rates, where its just pointless as a man to even try, because the odds are completely against them. It’s horrible where women get so much attention, that it’s become perfectly okay to assume the worst of all men, and dismiss them for very arbitrary reasons, like someone better comes along, so NEXT! NEXT! NEXT! It’s even more horrible a society when stupid articles like this come out, justifying that behavior out of a sense of superiority and ridiculous entitlement, and trying to shift the responsibility onto men. Instead of saying ‘maybe we are too judgmental, too picky, too arbitrary, just to meet up with a guy for conversation who is taking the risk to try and get to know us’ This is the new era of female privilege.
Simple solution is Red Pill and MGTOW. Live it. Love it! Men are taking back their rights in exponentially growing ranks. Fuck the entitled bitches with 1/3 the shelf life men have. A city bus comes along the same route every 20 minutes. Just hop on another, easy as pie.
This girl is one of the reasons why guys in LA are fed up with women and then throw the decent ones away once they finally meet them (lack of patience). Seriously lady. You are a bag of dicks. Be honest and forward. We are all human, but keep it classy. Your problems are not our problems. Same thing men. It’s a two way street.
@Sarah,
I really appreciate your comment. I’ve been in LA, and its a horrible, lonely place. One time I matched with a girl on Tinder, didn’t hear back, wished her luck, and she messaged back saying ‘no i was busy, I would LOVE to go out with you.” We got to texting, set up plans, and two days before our date, she vanished. I was interested in her of course, but I did want to talk to her, see if we had similar interest and a good vibe, but of course, that didn’t happen. I didn’t pressure her, I never said anything offense, she just disappeared in the middle of texting when I was asking something about her day, after a few days of texting. Flaking happens to guys all the time often NOT because of pressuring a girl into her number when she doesn’t give it, it also happens alot when you thought you have hit it off with someone. It’s extremely hard to put yourself out there if girls are not even given you a chance to meet up, because they are giddy over how many options they have. That’s a shitty way to think and treat people, whether you are a guy or girl. If you believed this bullshit article, you would think it was my fault, but it really wasn’t. I’m sick of it and I no longer care to put myself out there.
well, just so you know, dating in LA for women is just as bad. I cannot tell you the number of men that have stood us up, “flaked” , etc.
It goes both ways. navigating the dating waters is extremely challenging. Especially in LA. if you go into it knowing that 90% of it BS to start off with, you have a better chance of success. I mean we communicate with photos, — and text and IM. We are not even talking to human directly, or have seen them with our eyes—
until someone shows up, and there is a continueum of plans made and kept, you are not really dating anybody. Sad but true.
Perhaps if we were all a little more honest, — on both the male and female sides of things, we’d get somewhere.
my female friends are never giddy over how much attention they receive online. It’s always more than men.
they are sad because the men they talk to, or match up with online, either text, and then ghost, never show up at all, or show up a few times, and get some sex. and then blow her off, or keep her on hold until something better comes along.
Men are just as guilty of “one upping” as we are.
and please, as soon as we do show up, and really like you– and mention “c” words– committment, relationship, I have never seen men run to fast for the next gig in all my life. And it’s not because “we are not all that”, it’s simply there’s a whole lot of vagina out there, and we were just a stop over.
so if females are playing it up, and flaking and cancelling, and you feel like crap, welcome to our world. it’s new for men. but not for women.
men are just finally being treated like women have been for centuries. and i am thinking you don’t like it. we don’t either.
i wish we could all find love, and get along better with our partners. and find ways to m ake each other happy. and not take other options, as there always are some online for us, both men and women, as wimp outs, fear factored cop outs.
dating sites rely on this, and make a ton of money doing so. remember, they lose money if you are in a relationship and no longer searching. online dating thrives on insecurity and rejection. it makes a ton of money doing so.
online dating does not make money when people are happy and quit the game. think about dem apples.
thanks for listening to my rant. Peace!
“LA has 89,000 more single men than women. Accordingly, dating in New York City is fun, while dating in Los Angeles sucks. This statistic alone may be the single biggest cause of the lackluster love lives of singles in LA.” -Huffington Post article… sorry ladies of LA but statistically men have it much worse than you. Here’s my solution to all the single guys fed up with LA…look into dating foreign women, they are appreciative and will always show up to a date.
@pamelalovely
I enjoyed reading your rant. That sucks that guys do that!! I definitely wouldn’t, with respect to flaking. I would argue it doesn’t happen to females as much as guys because guys do most of the asking and receive the rejections and flakes.
With respect to sex – I’m not so sure I agree. I don’t think you should ever have sex with anyone besides for the sake of heat of the moment. You are feeling it, they are feeling it, everyone wants to do it, and it’s mutual. If you are doing it in exchange for a relationship, I think that can lead to disappointment and resentment. For what it’s worth, I’ve known guys who had sex with women, really wanted a relationship, but the girl did not, and were genuinely hurt. Things not going the way you want with someone after sex is not limited to women.
But anyways, I’ve set my expectations real low – if I get a date with someone I like and they show up, that is a victory in my book. I never care about the outcome of any date, whether or not it leads to sex, just focus on having the most enjoyable time possible on a date.
Foreign women are the answer my friend.
@pamelalovely
I’m also sorry if I tried to say women are more giddy about their options than men. I’ve been flaked on and stood up so, so many times, and often in situations where I was not at all pushy in getting the number and the date, sometimes the GIRL suggested us hanging out -and still flaming- that I just came to the conclusion that women have so many options that it’s impossible for me to stand out, because the standard for just getting a response and a date is getting higher, and higher the more options a woman has, and it just makes it feel like it’s meaningless to keep trying but never being up to par 🙁 .
I don’t even do online dating, primarily because it’s not merit based. No women promises to read every single message in their inbox, so it’s entirely possible my well thought out messages are never getting read in the first place. Even with the abysmal low response rates, the meet up in person rate percentage is even smaller for a man. That’s an incredible amount of time invested into what essentially amounts to nothing of value for a man. I’ve had women vanish mid conversation all the time with no explanation. But then when I hear my female friend brag about how many dates they go on like nothing, and don’t sound appreciative, I start to get bitter, and feel helpless.
If two parties meet, they should put their best foot forward (commit to the time and place of the agreed date). If someone flakes on me, I put the ball in their court and tell them to reschedule for a date that works. If they don’t reschedule, then I move on. If they flake for a second time, I move on.
Maybe I’m old-fashioned but I’m a 27 year old active duty officer. I just don’t have time for games. I expect people to value themselves and value others. If you flake without a very good excuse, then it’s a bad impression for me.
The girl in this article sounds like she plays a lot of games and has poor time management skills. It’s quite immature if I must say. I wonder if she’s also the type of girl who complains that she can’t find a decent guy.
The one and only reason why girls (or people in general) flake is because they are weak. The “reasons” you mention are called excuses. I don’t flake because I think it’s disrespectful. Of course, there are unforeseen situations where you really have to cancel, like a family member suddenly ending up in hospital or getting a food poisoning, but most of your “reasons” are just lame.
You are basically giving others a sign with this article that it’s ok to flake. Like “yeah, I know it’s bad but everybody is doing it”. SO WHAT? You are you, not everybody.
I find your article disgusting.
You’re not wrong. Thank you for your honest sentiments.