Leverage Your Dating & Social Skills
My friend Wesley, over at iManscape. wrote an article around that subject that focuses on what women really think of men with beards. He broke down information from many studies into an easy to read article covering the topic and threw in some tips for the men.
Some of the data might surprise you…
Over the years I’ve been a dating coach I’ve developed an opinion that other dating coaches love to fight me on: you should listen to feedback from women, but don’t take their advice.
If you’re going to catch a fish, you don’t ask the fish how to catch it. Girls will be correct about their subjective opinions (since it’s impossible to be wrong about them) but they’ll be wrong about how you should attract them.
Use their feedback about your shortcomings, but get dating advice somewhere else.
I learned this lesson the hard way when I was in my early 20s living in San Francisco. I had a first date with a tall blonde girl I met during day game. After a fun evening filled with great conversation and too many vodka sodas, she came back to my place where we made out and cuddled, then went to sleep.
I woke up groggy early the next morning, thinking in my half-asleep state, Hey, something seems weird… Oh yeah. There was a girl in my bed last night. Where did she go?
Over the next couple weeks we kept texting but she changed the subject every time I tried to set up the next date. Ugh. Dealing with flakiness sucks, but it’s often a sign that she isn’t 100% sold on you yet, not just that she’s a flaky person in general.
My female coworkers at my finance job would always talk about their dating lives by the water cooler, picking apart every detail about the guys they met. So I thought it would be a good idea to consult my coworker, a 45 year-old mother of three.
Yeah, I know how that sounds now that I write it out, but don’t blame me- I was young and dumb.
Her explanation: “I think she’s just a little gunshy to meet you again. Send her this text:”
Hey, I don’t want to make you feel uncomfortable, so let’s meet somewhere where you feel safe 🙂
I hit send. And immediately after hitting send I felt that soul-crushing feeling you get when you realize your text SUCKS. You know the feeling- the drop in your stomach followed by thoughts of Why did I send that!?! I’m the world’s biggest loooser.
I asked my buddy who was great with women if there was a hail Mary I could send to recover. After clowning me for taking such bad advice, he explained that my only chance was to follow it up with something absurd.
There’s a swingers’ club in San Francisco called Power Exchange. My buddy had me follow up my embarrassing text with this:
I was thinking somewhere like this place:
https://www.yelp.com/biz/power-exchange-san-francisco-3
She responds right away “Hahaha that was hilarious.”
But it was too little too late. I never saw her again.
Cautiously listen to women’s feedback, but never follow their advice
One of my writing mentors taught me how to incorporate feedback from my friends when they review my drafts. He suggested that I listen to feedback on which parts of my writing suck, but don’t take my friends’ advice on how to fix it.
This idea also applies to feedback from women. If multiple women point out a flaw, take that as an area to work on. Just keep in mind that just because they can identify a problem doesn’t mean they have good advice on how you should solve it.
Example:
Valid feedback from a girl: “You are too feminine.”
Bad advice from a girl: “You are too feminine so you should get a tribal tattoo.”
Another example: If three of your female friends tell you that you have bad breath then it’s time to see a dentist.
Why taking women’s advice is dangerous
1. The way they THINK they’ll react is different from how they actually react
Here’s an example: a line I’ve had great success with that I recommend my students use during their day game approaches is “Don’t worry, I’m only a third creepy.” (for more on this protocol, check out the podcast episode I recorded on day game.)
I was recently explaining day game to one of my female friends, and I told her about the 1/3 creepy line as an example. She said she’d never fall for a cheesy line like that. Her reaction is the same as 95% of my friends I explain it to.
Yet when it is delivered to women in an actual approach by me or my students, 95% react positively. Even if they have a boyfriend, they still usually crack up laughing at the line.
What people say they like is usually different from what they actually respond to. Their advice they give you is based on the way they subjectively imagine the way the world works, rather than how it objectively does.
Woman are very bad at knowing and explaining what they want in a man. But in terms of what they think and feel about you in the moment, you can always trust that. That’s always real.
2. A lot of their advice is garbage
Our culture does a terrible job of teaching young people how to date, both men and women. We’ve all heard the nonsense like “just tell her how you feel” or “just be yourself,” and sadly, a majority of the dating advice out there just isn’t helpful.
An attractive women can be extremely passive and just stand at a bar. Confident guys will approach her. She can literally do nothing and have a successful dating life. She’ll never know the pain of running across the street to hit on a brunette with a great ass, only to get a scoff and be told the infamous “I have a boyfriend.” Or she could say that being nice is the key to attraction, when in reality she’s attracted to aggressive guys who are confident.
Women can’t relate to the skills that guys have to develop to become more attractive. Their worlds are just different. That translates into garbage advice. If you’ve ever been told to “just be nice,” you know that’s true. Don’t take any piece of advice at face value- you have to test if it’s true through your own experience.
3. Women are subjective (and men are too)
To be objective and rational, the necessary steps are:
When’s the last time you’ve heard someone do this when it comes to her dating behavior? It just doesn’t happen. People act emotionally then backwards rationalize their actions with logic. So for example, Sarah could think that she liked Brian because of the hilarious joke he made in the bathroom line, but it was actually because he was well-dressed and tall.
Women constantly face social pressure, like the need to avoid being called a slut. For this reason, they often won’t provide objective explanations of how attraction works because they’re not even consciously aware of what happens when they’re attracted to a guy. They rely on social norms rather than actual psychology.
4. Brutal honesty isn’t socially acceptable
If you have a fundamental flaw in your character that’s preventing you from attracting the women you want to date, no one is going to feel comfortable pointing that out. It violates social norms and people think it’s rude.
Most people aren’t used to giving helpful critical feedback because it’s a difficult skill that takes a while to master. So instead of learning how to provide brutally honest feedback, they just avoid doing it to spare your feelings.
A lot of people will say things like “I want people to be honest with me. I can handle the truth.” You’re a guy who’s into self-improvement, so that’s probably true for you. But most people who say this are lying to themselves. They think they want honest feedback, but when actually presented with it, they become defensive and blame others instead of taking an inventory.
Look at their incentives. Just like a retail salesperson who has the incentive of selling you expensive clothing, women have the social incentive of not rocking the boat. It does them no benefit to be honest with you if it may result in an awkward conversation.
People feel good when they say nice things about other people, even if it isn’t true. It’s easier to be nice, and American culture does not value honest feedback.
Whose advice should you listen to instead?
Mine, of course 😉
But seriously, you should take the advice of a guy who’s been in your shoes and is now dating the type of women you want to date.
You also need someone who can take the invisible rules about attraction and make them visible for your specific situation. Often a guy who’s naturally good with women can’t explain why the things he does works. A guy who sucks with women is going to give you terrible advice based on speculation.
We’ve discussed Robbie’s Rule of Osmosis in previous newsletters, and it applies again here. Surround yourself with guys who have great dating lives and are good at explaining their specific actions, and you’ll pick up their good habits by osmosis.
The takeaway
Female friends are experts at being women, not at attracting women. How they feel about you in the moment is valid, but that doesn’t mean they know how to give you advice on how to improve.
Keep these three ideas in mind:
If you don’t feel confident in your dating life, it says nothing about your character. It’s just an indication that you need more practice so you can stack more wins.
There’s a lot of nonsense out there on what confidence is, or what it takes to develop confidence. Confidence is the thoughts and feelings that result from a series of wins stacked together. It’s your expectation of how you’ll perform in a given situation, and it’s different from self-esteem, which is your overall evaluation of yourself.
I was reviewing Mate by Tucker Max yesterday and found a brilliant definition of confidence:
“Confidence is the realistic expectation you have of being successful at something, given (a) your competence at it and (b) the risk involved with doing it.”
Confidence ONLY comes from experience and competence. “Fake it till you make it” is a bad long-term strategy because no matter what you tell yourself, your brain subconsciously creates a metric that assesses whether or not you’ll do well in this situation with reasonable accuracy. Confidence is grounded in real world results, whereas arrogance is based on your imagination and self-delusion (and doesn’t work).
The subconscious part of your brain is more important for confidence than what you rationally tell yourself, meaning that if you don’t subconsciously believe you have the skills to be competent, you don’t have confidence.
Unfortunately, there is no faking out your own psyche when it comes to how confident you feel about your abilities. Your confidence has to be calibrated on your competence. You can’t lie to yourself because your self is smarter than you are- LOL, confused yet? I am. Anyway…
If you step up to bat against a major league pitcher, you know that the best guys in the world are getting a hit 30% of the time, and getting on base 40% of the time. How confident should you be if you don’t play baseball? Even if you played in high school or college, your confidence isn’t gonna be very high, and it shouldn’t be!
You develop a higher level of confidence in any field when it’s something you’ve done often, when you’ve failed over and over, and when you’ve achieved some success. When you learn what works and what doesn’t, you develop an accurate assessment of how you’re likely to perform in any situation.
If you keep practicing and the wins aren’t coming, it means you’re practicing in the wrong areas, getting bad advice, or you have blind spots you’re unaware of. Don’t keep doing the same thing over and over, hoping for a different result. That’s crazy. Get some coaching, learn proven methods of success, and practice those methods. That’s the only way to develop confidence over the long haul.
Let’s talk about rejection.
What most guys don’t realize is that women don’t actually want to reject you. They don’t enjoy it. They have no desire to make you feel bad about yourself, they are only doing their best job of exiting an interaction that doesn’t interest them.
If they aren’t attracted to you, their goal is to signal to you in the least awkward and offensive way possible that you should move on. Unfortunately, most guys don’t pick up on these signals.
Common Signals of Rejection:
1. The first hint occurs when she communicates with a passive businesslike manner and avoids eye contact. This is when you get one-word responses and she doesn’t actively engage with anything you’re throwing out there.
2. If you persist, you’ll get the cold shoulder. This is what’s occurring when guys interpret women’s behavior as subtly “cold” or “bitchy.” She starts going from passively rejecting you to being actively dismissive.
3. Finally, if you haven’t gotten the message by this point, she’s likely to say something that you interpret as condescending, rude or mean. She’s doing everything she can to get you to leave.
The thing to remember is that this behavior isn’t really about you, because most women constantly get hit on really poorly. They’ll frequently encounter sociopathic guys who have no fear of rejection. These guys will walk up and say whatever they want. Their confidence occurs from the lack of a biological fear response, so they have no calibration to her signals.
The other common uncomfortable way women get hit on is by guys with poor social skills. Guys who can’t pick up on social norms, like guys with Asperger Syndrome, come across as creepy to women because they’re oblivious to the signals women are sending and they keep on pushing. Like guys with sociopathic traits, this is a category of guys that women have to go out of their way to send signals of rejection.
Should I hit on less attractive girls?
Back in 2007 when I was working through the requirements to become an approach coach for Pickup101, I needed to get an infield hidden camera video where I got a number or instant date on camera- a daunting task. I spent an evening walking around the UTC Mall in La Jolla and hit on 32 women.
I got the “I have a boyfriend” line 32 times. I vividly remember letting a few approach opportunities with the hottest girls go because I felt like I had less of a chance with them. But after 32 rejections, I was completely annoyed and on the verge of feeling straight up angry.
Finally, on the 33rd approach I was able to get a girl’s number, but the audio didn’t work. I really wanted to destroy those stupid wireless microphones. I was so angry I needed to break something to release my frustration. But I got some Zen calming advice from my cameraman and called it quits that day.
We later traveled up to West Hollywood for the weekend and hit up the Beverly Center for more approaches. The talent in LA was way better than in San Diego, and even when I get rejected the girls were way sweeter about it.
It dawned on me that the hotter the girl, the more experience she has rejecting guys. Because of this, the idea that you should “warm up” by talking to less attractive women is a silly one. Doing so will only lead to harsher rejections, because you’re dealing with a girl who doesn’t have as much experience confidently and respectfully exiting conversations. Less attractive girls have less experience dealing with guys in general.
Men and women have radically different experience with dating. Women get hit on so often that they develop experience rejecting men.
Ever since she hit puberty, an attractive woman has dealt with all kinds of guys approaching her, checking her out, making suggestive comments. By her 18th birthday, odds are she’s already had six years of this happening every single day. Compare that to a typical 28 year-old guy who’s hit on 100 girls in the last year: she has way more experience under her belt.
Regardless of how experienced you think you are, I promise she has more experience rejecting guys than you have being rejected.
But remember that most of the time women are being hit on by guys they don’t want to talk to. That’s good news for you. You’re not a construction worker catcalling her as she walks down the street, you’re not an intimidating sociopath, and the better you get, the easier for you it becomes to read the social signals she’s sending nonverbally.
And if you were wondering, I finally did get a number on camera. Here’s the footage. Notice my horrific outfit, bad posture and general dorky-ness.
If you have a good eye for reading women’s reactions, you probably noticed that this girl was not into me at all. This is the classic example of a pity number. She just gave it to me because she didn’t want to make me feel bad, especially on camera! Needless to say, she never responded to my texts but hey, I got the video.
Here’s one tip that I use all the time when asking for a girls number to alleviate any awkwardness. Just say “Give me your number or if you don’t like me, give me a fake one.” She will always giggle. It turns the taboo number exchange into a laugh which can only strengthen a connection.
While the right personality, temperament and confidence are probably the most important factors when it comes to successful long-term relationships, when it comes to attracting a woman in the first place, how we look and take care of ourselves plays a much bigger role that most guys overlook.
And research has shown that one of the most important physical features is our teeth. Teeth are often amongst one of the first physical features that is noticed and can be an immediate turn off, even if everything else is a good fit.
38% of those recently surveyed revealed crooked teeth would likely put them off a second date, while 57% said it was more important to have good teeth than clear skin.
For more fun facts about just how important teeth are in relationships as well as life check out this new infographic produced by Cerezen (click the image to see full size):
When I was starting out as a dating coach, I got a lot better in every area of my life. The advantage I had is that I was constantly seeking other guys who were successful socially and comfortable around hot women.
It offered a two-for-one benefit because I was always surrounded by people trying to improve, and it created the mastermind effect. A mastermind is a coaching group of like-minded individuals and mentors who network, share advice, and support each other, with the intention of helping everyone in the group advance both individually and collectively. As far as I’m aware, the concept was originated by Napoleon Hill in his classic self-help book Think and Grow Rich.
Odds are that if you’re trying to improve your dating life you’re probably doing it mostly alone. When I got started I wasn’t about to admit to my bros that I was doing it. They would have made fun of me. Luckily I had a bunch of friends and we hit the bars in San Diego 4-5 times per wee. But as my game improved I started to realize that my friends were horrible wingman and would even cockblock me.
One example that happened all the time is that I’d approach a group of girls and my buddies would swoop in and talk to the girl I was working on. Some would even make fun of my for learning game. Eventually I just couldn’t go out with them anymore. So I started hanging out with guys from the local San Diego Lair.
That was even worse. Most lair guys are creepy because they study all the hardcore pickup tactics that don’t fit their personalities. The lair guys wouldn’t go after the girls I approached but they cockblocked me in a different way by weirding most of them out. I was guilty by association. FML.
It wasn’t until I met some naturals and fellow dating coaches teaching authentic personal growth that I found some solid wingmen. But that couldn’t have happened until I got really good. My buddy calls this phenomenon the Dork Forcefield. Imagine you were really good with women, would you hang out with guys that aren’t as good as you who slow you down?
If you’re thinking right now, “I’m not great, but I don’t slow anyone down,” think again. If you aren’t adding value, you’re subtracting. You’re just unaware of how. Guys who are good have a forcefield to keep away dorks from their social circle. It’s kinda the like the cool kids in high school. It still exists, but guys are just more polite about it. The Dork Forcefield will engage with your fashion, the company you keep, your conversation style, and your social awareness. If you can’t get the Dork Forcefield down, you’re never hanging out with the guys are really good who have access to the best social opportunities.
You can break through the forcefield by either becoming really good, or rendering a service. For example, I’ll go out for drinks with my attorney because he’s amazing and generates tons of value in my life. So he gets a pass. But if you’re not great socially, not paying, or not rendering a service, why would anyone who is good choose to hang out with you? They wouldn’t.
I developed Leverage to give you access to the best social beasts in the world. It will give you all the how to’s but more importantly, plug you into a network that provides the support you’re missing, no matter where you live, and no matter what your skill level is.
It’s important to hang out with social beasts their mindsets and behaviors will rub off on you. We naturally absorb the attitudes, thoughts, and actions of the people around us. It’s a subconscious process that I like to call “osmosis.”
Robbie’s Rule of Osmosis: All social behavior is contagious.
If your friends have poor social skills, their mental models will rub off onto you. If all your friends are beasts with women, life and business, that will also rub off onto you.
Many guys have heard the Jim Rohn quote: “You are the average of the five people you spend the most time with.” And everyone thinks they know what it means: “Yeah, it means surround yourself with positive successful people and your life will improve blah blah.” No, it means you ARE those people. You surround yourself with people and you become them.
Using osmosis to your advantage improves your social skills both directly and indirectly. The valuable part of having mentors isn’t just the direct advice they give; it’s also the indirect ways they make you better.
When you hang out with guys who are more socially successful than you, they provide indirect feedback when they respond to you. You get feedback on whether or not your jokes are funny. You get feedback on how interesting your conversations are. You even get subconscious feedback on your body language.
If you make a lame joke or tell a boring story in front of a guy who sucks with women, he might think it’s funny and laugh. He might laugh to avoid hurting your feelings. On the other hand, social beasts hold themselves accountable for the people in their lives. They won’t laugh if your jokes aren’t funny.
You absorb better body language through osmosis. Ever notice how groups of friends often look alike? Part of it is their clothing style. But the other part is that they share similar body language! Humans are extremely social creatures. This plays out is in how our body language is shaped by our peers.
Succeeding at dating is about having the right mental models.
The difference between an expert and a beginner lies in their mental models. Everyone has ideas about how a skill (like meeting women) should be performed, and beliefs about the natural state of the world in relation to that skill. An expert differs in two ways: one, he has more detailed mental models, and two, he has a lot more models.
Social beasts have been in so many situations with women that they’re able to recognize the right things to say and the right moves to make. They’ve done the wrong things enough times that they know what to avoid. Their social pattern recognition is highly developed.
I’ve invested at least 25,000 hours into my social life, been on hundreds of dates, slept with way too many women to count, and hit on tens of thousands of women. I have a play, a joke, or a move ready for every word, situation, sound, text, laugh, or touch that exists. I also have an audible, an exit plan, and a flowchart leading to 10,000 other plays. Other social beasts have this too, and that’s why they’re successful.
Just as all social behavior is contagious, so are our mental models. One of the most overlooked ways to get better at dating is also one of the simplest: hang out with guys who have better dating lives than you.
Using osmosis to your advantage cuts your learning curve in half because it accelerates the development of your mental models. The quickest way to improve your dating life is by surrounding yourself with social beasts who are achieving the goals you wish to achieve.
If you want to be more outgoing and funny, hang out with guys who do improv or standup comedy. If you want to improve your career, hang out with startup guys. If you want to be more dominant and assertive, hang out with guys who train MMA. If you hang around guys who are well-rounded and successful in all domains of their life, you’ll passively improve in your dating life through their indirect feedback.
Ultimately, you need to find out why you suck. Most guys spin their wheels in this stage for years because no one will tell them why they suck. Their peers aren’t qualified to tell them, and since that kind of feedback isn’t socially acceptable, the most they’ll do is stop hanging out with a guy they don’t like. Women won’t provide this feedback either.
If Leverage sounds like it could be a good fit for you, I encourage you to apply. I personally screen all applicants, to make sure I only accept people that will get results. This maintains the integrity of the program and leads to lots of happy customers and referrals. Win/win!
Here’s the link if you’d like to apply. We’ll set up a time to chat so we can get to know each other. If the program isn’t the best fit for you, I promise I will leave you with a different strategy that will serve you better.
I’ll be the first to admit it: texting is hard.
When you’re texting a girl you’ve recently met, you don’t have a strong relationship yet. You don’t have the benefit of seeing her facial reactions, so you can’t adjust your approach in real time. As a result, most texting fails.
But it can work well. I’ve had so much practice that texting has become effortless. Witty responses that make women attracted automatically pop into my brain. Many of my students have learned the same skills. They now use day game and Tinder to meet women who they text to get dates.
But even though text game is difficult, the truth is that you don’t actually need to be very good. Here’s why: text game isn’t really an effective strategy to get girls attracted to you. It’s designed for one thing: to get her face to face with you again.
You don’t need to make her fall in love with you.
Assess her interest level
You meet a girl, either in person or online. At that moment, she feels some way about you. Let’s say her interest goes from lowest to highest. Low interest is a pity number. Highest means she wants to have your babies. Medium is obviously somewhere in the middle.
The best way to determine her interest is to look at the ratio of your texts to her texts: whoever is sending more words overall is more interested (on an iPhone, you know you’re in good shape when you see way more gray than blue).
If she isn’t flirting back, doesn’t ask any questions, or isn’t driving the conversation, then you can safely conclude she has low interest. At the lowest end, she would reject you, be extremely curt, or ignore you. Sad face.
On the other end of the spectrum, if her interest is high, she’ll be asking you questions and joking with you. Conversation should come easy, but like I said earlier, the goal isn’t to make her fall in love with you over text.
If she’s somewhere in the middle, it’s likely that she’s talking to a bunch of dudes and you aren’t at the top of her list. But if you play your cards right you can get her on a date.
Adjust your approach based on her interest
Trying to force conversation and humor to increase her interest will often have the opposite effect because you’re overgaming. It looks needy and try-hard. The best approach is to avoid overgaming and gauge her interest in going on a date. If I feel like she is at a medium-high level, I will invite her to group things. If it’s higher, I’ll be more inclined to invite her out solo. If she says yes, that means the needle will move favorably when you see her (if you don’t suck in person of course).
Another approach, which is even stronger but takes tighter game, is to never ask a girl out in the first place who isn’t in the high category of this scale. This works when you have a solid social circle with constant opportunities to meet women.
If she isn’t very receptive to the date, her interest is low. You’re basically dead until your paths cross again randomly or she re-initiates contact. In this situation I’ll attempt to stay top of mind via Instagram and/or Snapchat and see if they engage in a flirty enough way to warrant an invitation.
I recorded an entire podcast on using social media and texting to get dates. Check it out here.
Tell her out
Don’t make the mistake every other guy makes!
Wrong: “Hey what are you doing Wednesday?” or “Do you want to do X on Tuesday?”
Because if you ask for Tuesday and she’s not available, then what do you do? Unless she’s really into you, she’s not going to propose another time for a date. You’ve backed yourself into the corner of “Ok then what about Thursday?” which look desperate, and there’s nothing more unattractive than desperation.
Wrong: “Hey Katie, may I please take you to dinner on Saturday night?”
Asking permission is bad because it makes you look unconfident. This is arguably as bad as looking desperate.
So never ask girls out. Tell them out. Once you learn that she is free on a certain day, your next move is to tell her out. If she’s on the fence about you, telling her out will lean her to the positive side more often than not.
If you make the plan for them, they are likely to go with whatever you tell them to do. If they really are not into you, then asking her out would never have worked anyways, especially because you’ve already established that she will be free.
Here are some examples my students have used with success:
Remember, if she’s already into you, there’s no downside. And if she isn’t into you, you’re no worse off. If anything, the level of confidence this conveys might help your cause.
Here’s one last example, for a girl who was leaving town the next day:
What if I could write your texts for you?
I created the Leverage Program to help my students with every aspect of their dating lives. I’m hearing great things about the group’s texting help. In our private membership area, guys post screenshots of their text message threads. Either I or one of my coaches will provide a response to send back, 24/7. It takes all the guesswork out of texting, and since we explain why we’re sending what we’re sending, it forces you to get better.
Not sure what to text back? I’ll write a response for you.
Not sure what a text you received means? I can break it down for you.
Need an opening line for Tinder? I’ll tell you what to send.
Enter your information here so I can start writing your texts for you. We’ll get on the phone and I’ll give you tips on how to send better texts so you can get started right away.
I used to be fat.
It didn’t happen overnight. I had played sports and been active my whole life, but once I graduated college and started working a finance job, I settled into a routine that was killing me. I’d go out at night, crush beers, eat a California burrito, get too little sleep, then repeat the routine.
I didn’t care. My main focus in life was learning how to talk to women. I told myself that I could eventually lose weight if I really cared about it, but it wasn’t really that important. After all, I didn’t want to date shallow women, if they didn’t appreciate my personality, then I didn’t want them anyway.
When you’re procrastinating, you’re lying to yourself. Of course, I didn’t know this back then. I may have been holding onto the idea that I could be better with women if I wasn’t fat, but it was at the back of my mind. I was procrastinating.
My dating life and social life kept getting better. No need to lose weight, right? After a few years, I was a dating coach full-time, and still in terrible shape. You may have even seen me at this stage from my prior 21 Convention speech:
Around this time, my best friend and I were travelling and meeting women together constantly. His skills with women were the best of anyone I knew or have met since then, and he remains one of my best mentors to this day.
He started losing weight. Uh oh- now my self-image is under attack. When he started losing weight, I was confronted with the pain of thinking “I might be the only fat one.” I did everything he told me to do to lose weight. I cut carbs and unhealthy food out of my diet. I worked out relentlessly. I couldn’t be the only fat one!
I had unknowingly stumbled on one of the most important tools in the behavior change toolbox: a competitive atmosphere. The environment inspired me to lose weight because the pain of staying fat finally exceeded the pain of getting healthy.
Since my friend was just as competitive as I was, we made a bet. I put thousands of dollars on the line, and if I didn’t lose weight by 6 months, I’d lose all my money. That lit a fire under my ass to eat healthy 100% of the time and work out constantly. Straying from my plan wasn’t even an option.
I was successful because I had accountability and the fear of real loss if I were to fail.
When I was procrastinating, I didn’t realize how much of a difference being in shape would make. But I was shocked at how much more attention from women I got. I realized what a huge hack it was.
Guys often think it just matters what they say. But if you really want fulfilling relationships with the most attractive women, you need to present the complete package. You need to be in good shape. Your career needs to be in order. You need to have a meaningful social life.
It’s simple (but not easy). Develop traits that women find attractive, learn how to show those traits in a socially intelligent way, and build a social lifestyle. That’s how you attract women into your life.
I don’t teach guys how to attract women. I teach them how to become men who are attractive to women. It seems like a subtle distinction, but there’s a world of difference between being someone who can convince women to like them, and being the kind of complete man that women are hardwired to be attracted to.
The emotional patterns in your life will dictate the kinds of women you attract. The behaviors you practice regularly will define the kinds of women you meet. If you’re a fat procrastinator like I used to be, you can learn some of the techniques to attract some women, but you’ll always be punching below your weight.
I started taking action in every area, including making more money, traveling as much as I wanted to, and turning my expenses into a side hustle.
The Upward Spiral
When you accept complete responsibility for one area of your life, it results in a spiral that improves every other area of my life. This is what happened when I lost weight and my results with women skyrocketed. It’s no coincidence that this is the same time when I launched a side hustle that would go on to become a venture-backed startup.
UCLA neuroscientist Alex Korb writes about how little habits cause cascading positive changes in his book The Upward Spiral:
“Everything is interconnected. Gratitude improves sleep. Sleep reduces pain. Reduced pain improves your mood. Improved mood reduces anxiety, which improves focus and planning. Focus and planning help with decision making. Decision making further reduces anxiety and improves enjoyment. Enjoyment gives you more to be grateful for, which keeps that loop of the upward spiral going. Enjoyment also makes it more likely you’ll exercise and be social, which, in turn, will make you happier.”
How you do anything is how you do everything. If you’re procrastinating and making excuses in one area, it’s likely you’re procrastinating in other areas. But on the flipside, that means once you start taking action in one area, the rest of your life is likely to improve.
Whatever reasons you have for procrastinating don’t matter. Somebody with the same challenges as you HAS succeeded before. If I can lose weight and keep it off, you can make whatever changes you want when you implement the right systems.
Okay, in reality it’s not that hard to sell the dream but far too many marketers, salesmen and business folks miss the mark. It’s costly. Think about in it terms of conversion rates. Not selling the dream causes bad conversion – few prospects become clients.
However, when you effectively sell the dream, conversion rates not only go through the roof but up-sell because it’s literally effortless.
Sell the Vision
Don’t try to sell the product or service, sell the dream. Don’t sell the technicalities and the specs; sell the vision that includes the person you’re pitching to. Don’t stick to just the benefits, either; sell the dream not the noun.
Example #1 of Selling the Dream
Let’s pretend you and a buddy are at the club, and you’ve run into a duo of single girls looking for some action, for some after-party fun. Here’s what not to say:
“Hey, how about you two ladies come on over to my place. I have a big beautiful home.”
“Hey ladies, I got lots of alcohol at my pad.”
This looks silly, like you’re bragging or desperate. You can expect an awkward silence as the girls look at one another and smirk. Don’t hand them the bell right away like that, instead keep it in play like this:
“Right, so check this out. I think you should come with Billy and I back to my house. We’re going to have tons of fun and rage unto the morning. You’re not gonna regret it, or look back and think, boy I wish we had more fun last night. Come on, let’s get out of here and really entertain ourselves. What do you say?”
That should give you a rough estimate of what I’m talking about. Appeal to the vision, or the dream. I mean, they are out to have a good time, right? Let’s put selling the dream int a more business-like situation.
Example #2 of Selling the Dream
If you want to get the attention of a wealthy investor or potential business partner to pitch a product or perhaps a technology start up or something, here are some things to include. Paint the picture and sell the dream.
Assessment
The people who get what they want out of life are not much different than you. Look at me: You guys are paying to hear what I have to say because of the things I have done in my life and because you want do the same things that I do, like getting rich, having fun and getting lots of girls. Do you think I am successful because I am perfect, because I am better than you? Fuck no – it’s because I don’t let my shortcomings stop me.
This is not something I normally do because it doesn’t help me move towards my goals, but in this context it’s appropriate to help you guys understand how I overcome obstacles. I’m going to tell you about my biggest shortcoming. Here it is: I’m an agoraphobic. For you non-rocket scientists out there, that means that I have fear of confined spaces that I can’t escape from, like elevators, airplanes, bridges, trains, etc. When I say, “fear,” I mean that I have panic attacks and literally pass out when I am in these places.
This is a pretty big shortcoming for a guy like me who travels and meets people all the time. I have to take the stairs instead of elevators, drive whenever possible and avoid flying unless I absolutely have to. My place in New York is on the fifth floor – do I take the elevator? Nope, I walk the five flights of stairs at least ten times a day. When I go stay in the high-rise resorts in Vegas, I always get the “Sabbath rooms” on the first or second floors and take the stairs. I’ve driven from New York to Los Angeles and rented a private boat instead of taking a ferry to get to a party on a private island in Croatia. When I do have to fly, I take extreme measures like staying up for 35 hours beforehand then loading up on sleep meds before I get on the plane. I just refuse to be held back or have my opportunities limited.
Sounds crazy, right? There are a lot of people who have my condition who use it as a reason to be “disabled” and not try to lead a normal life. That’s the point of me telling you all this: DON’T. There are very few obstacles that can’t be overcome if you have the will to overcome them. Don’t get caught up in the “Why me?” syndrome of feeling sorry for yourself; just man the fuck up and do.
That is an example of one of my limitations. You have your own limitations – will you let them hold you back? You can make the choice, like I did. You can either feel sorry for yourself and make excuses for not living the life you want, or you can just DO.
ASSESSMENT
Answer the following questions about your biggest limitation:
What is your biggest limitation?
How does it impact your life and your opportunities?
Do you use it as an excuse? How?
What steps can you take to mask or overcome your limitations?
Does any of this sound familiar? I’m a smart, funny, and cool dude, but when I get around really hot chicks, its like my mind goes blank and my IQ drops 50 points. I can’t think of anything to say … Read More
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