The Wasted, Lets Do Shots Guy
At first this guy seems like fun because he’s in a good mood and making the place more lively, but after the 5th round of shots he’s slurring his words, speaking gibberish and announcing to the entire bar that you are doing tequila shots with him whether you like or not. There’s no one you’d rather punch in the face.
Motto: “Come on, don’t be a pussy… you’re drinking with me and I’m not taking no for an answer!”
The Drink Spiller
This guy just can’t seem to keep his drink in his hand on or the table. After he spills all over you or drops his glass and it shatters all over your heels he walks away like nothing happens and accuses you of bumping him.
Motto: “Bro… you totally bumped me, it’s all good though I’m not mad at you, no worries.”
The Bar Line Cutter
This guy loves to throw elbows, shoulders and hip checks. His patented move is to “accidentally” slide in front of you to muscle his way to the front of the bar.
Motto: “Hey hey bartender, I was next, I’ve been waiting forever here.”
The Super Excited Bathroom Attendant
You’re standing in front of a urinal trying to pee in peace and this jackass walks up next to you and engages you in the most low-content conversation possible.
Motto: “Bro… how about dem ladies out there tonight, oh yeah, oh yeah, you know what I’m talking about, there waiting for you, oh yeah oh yeah”
The Hyperactive Dancing Guy
We’ve all seen him, he’s in his own world completely oblivious to the fact that he’s dancing with glow sticks to a Tupac song. Don’t get too close, if you’re within arms reach you’re sure to get whacked by a flying arm, leg or hair whip.
Motto: “I just trying to express myself through the art of dance!”
The Pickup Artist
This guy will be in full peackocking gear hitting on every girl in the bar with the same exact line. After every girl rejects him or runs away to the bathroom he’ll start over and obliviously hit on all the same girls again because he’s so focused on delivering his lines, he can’t remember who he already talked to. He’s too clueless to realize that you already told him to piss off but he thinks that eventually his tactics will pay off and he’ll walk away with a phone number. What’s even better is when a group of pickup artists start sharking around the bar and within 15 minutes there isn’t a single female left in the venue.
Motto: “Hey, I need a female opinion on something… who lies more, men or women?”
The Old Guy
The early bird special ended at 6pm, I think it’s time for bed gramps.
Motto: “Hey sonny, I’m just trying to relive my glory days.”
The Guy With The Hook Ups
You’re standing around with your buddies talking about watches and the random guy who is eaves dropping chimes in with “Dude, you need a Timex? I can hook you up for half price, and its the sickest model, you can’t get this shit anywhere else, trust me.”
Motto: “I got the hookups bro, don’t worry I got you covered.”
The Bouncer Groupie
We’ve all seen him, he’s the guy who just chills outside with the bouncers all night hoping to get the chance to exercise authority and squeeze out some social proof by pretending to be boys with the help.
Motto: “Hey ladies, have a good time tonight!” (they look at him like “who the hell is this guy?) He responds – “I’m Joey I uhhh work here, I got you, I got you.”
The Tough Guy
This is the guy that bumps you, gives you the mad dog look, puffs out his chest and starts mouthing off, but doesn’t get really tough until his five buddies show up to hold him back.
Motto: “Bro, you want a piece? I had 12 kills in Iraq bro… Hoorah! Lets go right now bitch… ya I thought you’d walk away!”
The I Love You Man
This dude loves to give bro hugs, lean on strangers and express his deepest feelings once the liquor kicks in.
Motto: “Dude, you’re so awesome, I really love you, we gotta hang out more, you’re sooo cool, come on get over here and gimme a hug.”
The Frat Boy
Bright yellow Polo shit with the popped collar, sporting the baggy jeans and sandals.
Motto: “Jager Bombs!”
Don’t worry ladies, he’s gonna look, but he’s way too much of a pussy to actually touch.
Motto: “Hey guys, don’t mind me, I’m just holding up the wall.”
The Guy Texting On The Dance Floor
This guy can’t bother to walk off the dance floor to check his email, respond to texts or check his Facebook notifications. Don’t bump into him, he’s doing something important.
Motto: “Keep going guys, I gotta take this.”
The Angry Drunk Guy
He was quiet as a church mouse until 1am but he’s just downed his 4th whiskey and he just got rejected three times in a row.
Motto: “You wanna go, lets do this!”
The Protective Guy Who Is Stuck In The Friend Zone
This guy thinks he’s mr. big dick because he’s got a squad of 8 girls, except he’s 10 miles deep in the friend zone with all of them. He thinks he owns the group and gets confrontational with any guy who comes over to chat up his “property.”
Motto: “Walk away man, she’s with me…” (except he’s really going home to jerk off) “If I can’t have her, no one will!”
The Eurotrash Slime Ball
He’s sporting the white Adidas tennis shoes, jean shorts, euro glasses and the darkest tan ever, giving every girl in the bar the sex eyes. Once he sets his eyes on his target he will invade her personal space as much as possible, touch her as creepy as possible and make sure to say things like “You are sooo beautiful, ciao bella, Parlez-vous français?”
Motto: “Dee Beeetcheeezz love dis accent.
The Overdressed Guy
Sporting a big ugly baggy suit, shiny black square patent leather dress shoes and a $60 fake Rolex watch. These guys are known to frequent the bars in Greenwich Village after a long day on Wall Street.
Motto: “Hey Reed, how’s your portfolio looking? I just shorted Apple and I’m gonna make a killing.”
The Guy Who Couldn’t Quite Talk His Way Into The Club
Motto: “My friends are inside, they put me on the list, just check it again for me, I swear I’m on there, try Brian Johnson”
The Guy Who Won’t Leave Your Table
He comes over, sits down uninvited and refuses to take the obvious hints to leave. Eventually the table is rightfully his, except he’s the only one left sitting.
Motto: “Hey ladies, where are you from? Do you come here often? Where’d you go to school? What was your major? What do you do for fun?”
The Beer Breath Close Talker
No explanation required.
Motto: “Heyyyy how ya doin, I know you’re gonna want to hear this, come on, come closer I don’t bite.”
The Sweaty Smelly Guy
Decided to roll into the bar straight from the gym and hasn’t seen a stick of deodorant since 2003.
Motto: (Whispering) “Hey man, these pit stains aren’t noticeable right?”
The Walk By Ass Grabber
Like she didn’t notice?
Motto: “Girls love it when I cop a little feelski.”
The Guy With The Hottest Chick – Cuz fuck him… we are all jealous.