But here’s the thing: If you know about day game, and you still aren’t approaching regularly, odds are that you’re not going to start without making some changes.
Here’s why you probably don’t approach:
1. You haven’t reprogrammed the irrational parts of your brain. If you approach 10 girls, 9 reject you, and 1 becomes your girlfriend, you’ll forget about the rejections and whole thing will be well worth the effort. But your primal brain doesn’t view it this way. In the hunter-gatherer tribes of our ancestors, one bad approach didn’t just mean an embarrassing rejection — it meant a spear in the chest from the local alpha male. You probably haven’t made the effort to rewire these instincts.
2. You’re trying to rely on willpower. Your willpower is limited, and isn’t strong enough to overcome a lifetime of habits that do not involve day game approaches. You have to create new habits and make approaching second nature.
3. Your personality type likely falls on the passive, introverted corner of the Inner Confidence alignment grid. This means that your analytical brain – which makes you a great lawyer, investor, or engineer – is also unusually good at coming up with excuses for why you shouldn’t approach.
It took me a while to figure all this out. The reason is that, when I first learned about day game, I actually started going out right away and approaching any girls that I wanted to talk to. I would even leave my miserable office job during the day and hit on girls at the UTC La Jolla mall.
I was absolutely awful at first. Back then, the only real dating advice out there came from the ridiculous PUA crowd that had become popular with The Game. I’ve probably heard “Aww, that’s sweet but I have a boyfriend” 5,000 times.
Still, I was smashing reps and learning through trial and error. Over time, after having hundreds of girls blow past me when I tried to stop then, I figured out techniques like the “hook and swoop” and learned lines that were congruent with my personality.
It was only really after I became a dating coach that I realized how unusual my experience was. There’s a small percentage of guys who are self-motivated to go out during the day proactively and approach, and aren’t too bothered by the repeated failure that is part of learning.
The vast majority of guys, though, go through a different learning curve. A lot of them actually improve quite quickly once they start trying – sometimes within a few hours. The hard part for them is overcoming their initial approach anxiety. They are willing to read and study enormous amounts of material but can’t get themselves to approach in even the easiest situations, like when they’re out running errands.
If this sounds like you, don’t feel bad. It’s completely normal. I regularly coach guys who take enormous risks in other areas of their life but struggle with day game. They won’t hesitate to run onto a battlefield in Afghanistan or quit their day job to start a business, but they’ll hem and haw before saying hi to a girl in line at Whole Foods.
While there’s no way around the effort that goes into learning day game, I’ve found that you can hack approach anxiety and make rapid progress with the right strategy.
The single biggest thing you have to do to overcome your fear of approaching is to put something more valuable on the line.
An easy way to do this is an approach bet. Tell a friend that you will give him $100 if you don’t make a certain number of approaches. Your fear of losing the $100 will probably outweigh whatever fear you have about approaching.
I think a better, more long-term solution, however, is to surround yourself with other guys who are as good or better than you at day game. As I look back on my own experience, one of the things that kept me going was my friend Jason, who was learning day game at the same time I was. He always had the most hilarious lines. I think part of the reason I kept approaching so persistently was because, even though I didn’t like the rejection, I valued the conversations we would have about our latest approaches.
Guys in the Leverage Mentorship program tend to do well at day game because they have a system and infrastructure in place that basically makes success inevitable. I set up monthly approach competitions, pair guys up with wingmen of similar skill level, and encourage everyone to go out and bust through social anxiety.
We make it a game, share stories, and laugh about the ridiculous encounters that ensue. It turns an otherwise uncomfortable experience into a positive, fun environment. They get the instant, personalized feedback that is critical to mastery.
Here’s what two of my clients posted in the Leverage forum this past week about their recent daygame outings:
Joey “I thoroughly enjoyed the experience, it’s really liberating to give 0 fucks and hit on random girls. The more I hang out with the guys in the group, the more I learn to ignore other people’s reactions and just do me.
Interesting start to the day game was when Sergio and I got there early. We walked around and ate lunch, but were pretty hesitant to approach at first. This only changed when Sergio saw a girl and said, why don’t you hit on her?”
This for some reason is a real hack for approaching, if you have someone to push you to approach, you will end up doing it because you will feel like the biggest bitch if you don’t.
Just a bit of wisdom I picked up from the experience”
Derek “I have wasted so much time thinking that I could get great with girls/socializing without actually doing it. Of course in hindsight it seems so clear. How would you get better at anything without doing it? While working on the fundamentals like lifestyle, voice, fitness, travel etc It is still imperative to keep on taking action and doing daygame and go out at least once a week. Just hanging out with the folks yesterday I learnt so much about how to make a great event/ dinner/ drinks and what are the logistics which go into it.”
I would obviously love for you to apply for the Leverage and I think the program would be a particularly good fit if you live in New York, LA or Western Europe, where a lot of Leverage members hang out together. But even if you’re not ready to join Leverage, I’d encourage you to think about ways you can create new habits and accountability in your journey.
If you’re not sure where to begin, I’d be happy to give you a free 15-minute consultation to help you get started.