Breaking the Cycle: My Journey Through Avoidant Attachment & Relationship Boredom

The Three-Month Boredom Barrier

From my 20s to mid 30s, every time I started dating a girl that I was excited about, I would inevitably lose interest and experience relationship boredom around the three month mark. But I wasn't certain of what I wanted so some of these relationships dragged on for multiple years. The more access I had to beautiful women and the better I got at seducing them, the faster this timeline sped up.

Realizing My Own Role

Eventually, I got to a place where I would get bored with a girl after just a few nights together. That "honeymoon phase" become shorter and shorter and my sexual desire would quickly plummet. At first, I thought it was the fault of my partners but after a very large sample size, I had to look in the mirror and consider that I was broken or had some sort of personality disorder.

A Turning Point in Personal Growth

After 10 years on my journey of personal growth in 2016, I started dating a girl that I felt was way out of my league and 6 months went by without any relationship boredom! But I experienced a much worse problem, she seemed to be getting bored with me. A conclusion I drew from her lack of physical affection, enthusiasm for sex and its waning frequency.

The Pain of Feeling Unwanted

Her lack of desire made me feel like an epic loser and the more it bothered me, the more and more gun-shy I became to initiate which lead to even less frequent sex and stronger feelings of despair. Talking about it with her made it a "thing" and worsened the situation. I considered couples counseling and consulted many relationship experts. I even talked to married couples and sex therapists to get back that relationship excitement but she didn't seem invested in solving the problem of fixing our sex life and love life. My conclusion was that it wasn't even a problem for her. I saw her caring as a warning sign and red flag.

Facing Emotional Damage

Eventually, I took my last morsel of dignity and walked away from that relationship but the emotional damage had been done. The pattern I'm talking about here is actually fairly common. I believe it's either Attachment Theory, or something very closely related.

Understanding Attachment Styles

Put simply, when I began my dating journey I had an avoidant attachment style which would make my partners anxious, which would trigger boredom. Many of these girls didn't have any issues; they were securely attached. However, even a securely attached person will experience anxiety if they date someone avoidant like me.

Early Signs and Self-Reflection

I can recall a few women who ghosted me early on (within first 3-4 dates) who I was really bummed about and I've concluded that these women were securely attached and able to see my red flags. But what I could never really understand was why I had an avoidant attachment style in the first place.

Childhood Roots of Attachment Issues

I grew up in a loving family. My parents have a healthy long marriage and I didn't have any issues I was aware of. I discussed my issues with therapists, read all the self-help and relationship books on the issues I could find from clinical psychologists, attempted to diagnose myself with all the personality disorders... but none of it solved anything.

The Role of Childhood Trauma

But the funny thing about trauma is that something seemingly insignificant can cause it, especially when you're a child. My most embarrassing and painful story happened in 7th grade. I had a crush on this girl Lauren and I made a feeble attempt to ask her out which was code for "will you be my girlfriend?" in the late 90’s.

Confronting Rejection and Its Long-Term Effects

I didn't have the balls to call her so I called her friend Ashley to ask her for me. When I didn't hear back that evening I knew it wasn't good. On Monday at school I got the sad news that Lauren just wanted to be friends. I concluded she didn't like me because I was ugly and chubby. This experience was the root cause of my struggles with romantic relationships.

Overcoming the Past and Embracing the Future

In my early 20's I learned there was a system to scoring with hot chicks so I went all-in on the pickup industry. I thought it was about sex but in reality, what I was really after was the desire to rewrite that painful story. This pain created such a strong drive that I went after it with every ounce of dedication and effort I've ever put into anything.

The Long Road to Healing

It took me 10 years to start feeling confident and successful with women but the time flew by because I was on what felt like a religious crusade. But with each new and exciting conquest came that eventual that feeling of boredom and breakup.

Finding Real Love

When the trauma was healed I finally felt capable of having a loving monogamous relationship without the obsession and fear of boredom. My biggest mistake was dragging out these relationships when I could have simply stayed on the adventure path of validation.

Insights and Advice

I've coached clients through this process in as little as a year because I do my best to help them rewrite these stories without the distractions of a "comfy" relationship. But it's not easy! I don't believe therapy, neuro-linguistic programming, affirmations, hypnosis or any other form of "inner game" work can rewrite our stories of pain with stories of inner confidence.