Why Most Guys Suck At Connecting With Women

We’ve talked on this blog about how one of the most important skills you can develop is social awareness. But this can a big abstract concept, so let’s break it down into smaller skills you can practice. When you look at guys who are great with women, or more generally, anyone with good social awareness, they perform a bunch of smaller actions that add up to a killer ability to communicate and get what they want.Knowing social protocol conveys that you’re a competent guy who has his stuff together. In social psychology, researchers have found three main categories that people tend talk about in social interactions:1. Information2. Preferences and feelings3. Here and nowWhy do most guys suck with women? Because they’re skipping an entire category, or worse, two categories!If you only convey information, you’re boring.If you convey information, preferences, and feelings, you might be interesting, passionate, or even confident, but you’re not sexy.If you convey relevant information, express strong feelings about the world, and can call out what’s happening in the moment with a girl, THAT’S when you’re more attractive than 99% of guys.Sharing preferences and feelings (the second category) is how we connect on an emotional level. This is what builds rapport, and is a necessary part of showing your social awareness. It’s how we connect, and that’s why this comes from actual psychology and not just guys who are good with women. It’s a fundamental part of human psychology.Last time I talked about how some important elements of social awareness are being able to recognize what people are feeling, expressing that you recognize what they're feeling, and behaving in a way that makes them more comfortable.The BEST way to do this is by callIng it out, and that’s a the part of social awareness that covers the third category, the here and now.Calling it out is when you point out what the other person is likely thinking or feeling. If that sounds overly simple, it’s because it actually is that simple. Calling it out is one of the simplest skills guys can learn to get better with women.Calling it out is just bringing attention to the here and now (remember the categories?). So if you feel weird about hitting on a girl in front of her friends, you say “I had to risk embarrassing the hell out of myself in front of your friends.” If a girl looks like she’s in a hurry, you say “You look like you’re in a hurry, so give me your number, and if you don’t like me give me a fake one.” If she’s holding eye contact longer than usual, you say “I can tell you totally want to make out with me.”These don’t need to be brilliant responses. Their purpose is to point out what’s happening in the moment. By doing this, you show your awareness of her emotions and thoughts. That’s one of the most attractive things to a woman. A guy who can discuss information, preferences, and feelings might be the most amazing conversationalist in the world, but a boring guy who’s better at calling it out will get the girl every time because he strikes her on an emotional level.Social norms are important to follow, unless you call it out. When you violate social norms, women pick up on this subconsciously and feel creeped out. But calling it out short circuits this process and lets you be upfront and honest in a way that's attractive.So what if you call it out but you’re totally wrong? You’re in luck, because people usually don’t care when you’re wrong. It also adds an element of humor to the interaction, because calling it out is usually lighthearted in nature.You'll also get feedback about the interaction itself. For example, if you aren’t sure what a girl is thinking about you so you say “You just gave me a look like you want me to die in a grease fire” and she tells you that it was actually just because she’s cold, you learn that you’re better off than you thought. The more you do this over time, the better your pattern recognition skills get.When you call it out, what you’re doing is forcing the subtext of your interaction to become the context. You’re speaking what others are thinking but are too uncomfortable to say out loud because doing so would violate social protocol. Being able to bring unspoken communication to the forefront of discussion in a way that’s humorous signals your social competence, honesty, and playfulness, three universally attractive traits.Calling it out may seem like it's socially uncalibrated and risky, but when you do it without being awkward or desperate, it highlights a deep understanding of human behavior. As a result, it's an extremely attractive skill to develop.What’s the takeaway here? It’s simple; focus on the here and now by calling it out! And like everything I talk about, it takes a ton of practice. Every skill I talk about is about self-development, not a quick fix. Calling it out is one of those skills that will develop yourself awareness and build your confidence to the point where anything can happen in an interaction and you’re comfortable with it.