I’m So Tired of Asking My Wife To Have Sex With Me
If you’ve never dealt sexual rejection from a partner and you've had more than 10 long term relationships (3 months +), you're doing something incredibly right.
“I have a headache”
That something could include:
Having a horse-cock
Dating women who are at least 3 points lower than you
Dating only nymphos
If a guy tells me he's never experienced sexual refusal, I'm extremely skeptical because it's kind of the nature of relationships. Of course, in the beginning of a new relationship, she can't keep her hands off you, but as time goes on, sex can become routine, and with routine becomes boring, predictable and a lack of sexual satisfaction.
But I'm not talking about a small decrease in desire; the real problem is when desire disappears almost completely. This almost always leads to the man not getting his sexual needs met which causes so many issues in a romantic relationship.
Problems:
Resentment
Communication Breakdowns
Breakdown of physical intimacy
Loss of relationship satisfaction
No sexual release
Lack of confidence and body image issues
Creates a desire discrepancy
Luckily, I've only experienced sexual refusal once, but it was one of the most challenging times of my life. In 2016, I was dating a woman who I felt was a bit out of my league on the hotness scale. I felt like I had to run perfect game to land her, and the process took 6 months. We made out the first night we met, but she had a boyfriend, then I chased and got friend-zoned, then after 6 months and multiple social circle trips, I clawed my way out of the friend-zone and we became a couple.
I was on cloud 9 for the first month; she couldn't keep her hands off me, she showed me constant physical affection, she would make sexual advances and our emotional connection was amazing. But then her desire for sex went from a 10 steadily down to almost zero over the course of the next 7 months.
To make matters worse, I became incredibly gun shy about making a move because of the pain of rejection. Getting rejected by a random girl on the street was nothing compared to my girlfriend rejecting me for sex.
The former was like a 1/10 painful, the latter, 10/10 painful, embarrassing, pathetic, especially for a guy teaching dating/seduction skills.
The Most Painful Part
The most painful part about it was not really understanding if the problem was with me, her, or a mixture of both. I consulted with the guys with the best game I knew, a sex therapist, and anyone I could talk to about it.
Advice ranged from couples sex therapy, talking to her about it, breaking up, and manning up.
For the average dude, this problem is pretty run-of-the-mill and the standard narrative when it comes to marriage. But I can't think of a more painful reality for a guy in a monogamous relationship.
At the time, our relationship was mostly monogamous, but she was cool with me hooking up with other girls on the side. The problem was, I didn't really want to; I just wanted her, and the more she denied me, the more I wanted her.
Things really went sideways when we had group sex at Burning Man, and I saw her hooking up with another dude who she seemed to desire more. Man, I've never felt more jealous, and I always thought of myself as being above jealousy, lol.
The #1 Mistake
I think the number one mistake I made was actually talking to her about it and complaining. I was salty and frustrated, and I needed things to change, which is a terrible mindset to approach from. But I couldn't just pretend to feel differently.
Even when I hooked up with other women on the same level of attractiveness, it didn't seem to matter. Competition anxiety was supposed to kick in and make her crazy about me, damn it! Fail.
Ultimately, I decided that the best option was to walk away because I took radical accountability for all the reasons why I might be killing desire. Aside from approaching the problem in the wrong way, which I couldn't go back and magically change, there weren't really any other unattractive things I did or ways of being I was embodying to kill desire.
Should You Ask Her For Feedback?
I asked her a year later why she lost desire and she said it all started one evening when I didn't pick her up from the airport and opted to get her an Uber to stay home and entertain my other model friend who had just flown in to visit.
This is the negative impact of asking people for feedback; even if it seems logical, it's very difficult to fully understand our feelings around such complicated desires or lack thereof.
She also admittedly had a whole host of other issues like sexual shame, and multiple personality disorder, which opens up a ton of possibilities of other valid reasons.
Ultimately, I feel like I made the right decision. I never would have met my wife, and I haven't lived with this tormenting problem ever since.
The experience left me a little scarred with a 'never again' response. I decided to write about it because I recently answered this question on Reddit.
Reddit user asks:
I’m so tired of asking my (25F) wife to have sex with me (30M)
I love my wife (25F) but it has been an absolutely horrible time trying to get her to have sex with me (30M). I have asked, I have waited over a month and a half to ask, at what point do I just stop and never do anything again? She never initiates, I’ve asked her that if she feels more comfortable initiating then I’m all for it. I understand that some of the medication she takes makes her feel different but, how much different can it make you feel if I still see you looking at sexual subreddits and I see that you have used your bedroom items am I just not worthy of your attention? Sorry for the rant I’m just annoyed as to what I should do to get over it or what I have to change.
My Response:
Fundamentally what's going on here is that your wife has lost sexual attraction for you. The good news is that you can get it back. The bad news is that it will take time.
I'm a professional dating coach and I deal with this issue a lot and experienced this painful reality with a long term girlfriend a few years ago. In the beginning, our sex life was out of this world, but after dating for a few months, she was less and less interested in sex, which made me more thirsty and more insecure and nervous to initiate. Eventually I got to the point that the rejection of initiating was too much to handle so I stopped initiating altogether and waited for her do it, which would only happen when she drank, which is obviously unhealthy and not a long term solution.
Ultimately I walked away from the relationship because I just didn't see an easy path to finding a way where I could get my sexual needs/desires met. She didn't seem interested enough to work on it and it was easier to simply break up. For you however, you're married with children, so I would urge you to exercise every possible option.
Attraction is not a choice, it's a feeling, and you can absolutely trigger attraction in your wife by being/behaving in a more attractive way. Take an inventory of reasons why she may/may not be physically attracted to you.
The most obvious reason will be your:
Confidence
Physical appearance
Masculinity
Flirtiness
It's very difficult to feel confidence given your long streak of rejection on her end so let's start with #2. What can you do to make yourself more attractive? Hitting the gym and looking like a male model would be the ultimate goal. If she sees you working towards that it will start to turn her on, even if you're fat/gross currently. My wife is always the most horny for me after I come back from a hard workout.
For #3, ask yourself
“What would James Bond do?”
Then do those things in your marriage.
The little things like complimenting her when she looks beautiful, chivalry (opening doors), fixing things around the house, taking care of business.
For #4, adopt the motto: "everything she does is cute" even if she's nagging you or giving you a hard time. When she asks for something, playfully say no, then do it anyway. If she asks you to pass her a fork at the dinner table say deadpan "no chance!" then hand her one. These little things create sexual tension and the release of sexual tension is sex.
You're gonna see a ton of horrible advice in regards to this question from people saying "talk about it with her" "go to therapy" "find out how to please her better in the bedroom" and this all misses the mark.
The Fundamental Problem
The FUNDAMENTAL problem is a lack of attraction. If you get that back and the other things will fall into place. Also ignore the reasons why she says she's not interested in sex. They are all white lies because she can't just come out and likely say "I don't find you sexually appealing" but her actions are speaking for her.
Remember, this can be changed. It will take a couple weeks and at most a few months depending on how much work you need to do on yourself and your communication skills to start behaving like the sexy guy she fell in love with years ago.
I think the key to 'never again' is to always remember that you can't afford to take your foot off the gas pedal when it comes to attracting women. If you think the game ends when you sleep with her, become monogamous, or even get married, you're headed for trouble.
The Solution
You must continue to level up and become MORE attractive than the guy she first met. If not, she'll start looking elsewhere, and you'll be on a slippery slope.
As masculine men, we often desire to accomplish something tough, then relax and enjoy the success. But if you rest on your laurels for too long, you'll find yourself back at square one.
Women are attracted to winners and will only tolerate your slump for so long. The more options she has, the more you need to step up your game.
If this feels unfair and you think women are ruthless, it's time to change that mindset. A game that constantly challenges you to improve and stay on top is a game worth playing. It's exciting, fun, and never gets boring.
So, if you're being turned down for sex by your girl, or if this has been a major issue in the past, let's talk.
