Why The Stories You're Telling Yourself Don't Help
One of the most popular features of the IC Community is that guys post writeups of social experiences and interactions they have, and they get feedback from other members and experts in the group.
The best way to get systematic step-by-step advice based on what we know works is to be objective. Both when you're looking at your own life and your own interactions, you need to get specific about behaviors.
Here's an excerpt from a writeup of a IC Community member recalling an interaction while out at a bar:
"She then gets mad at me over something stupid (I went out to check on her while she was smoking, she literally was mean mugging me for 10 minutes afterwards cuz she wanted me to keep her friend company)."
Why does this writeup prevent the group from helping him?
1. It's emotional instead of objective ("Gets mad")
So what did she say? What did she do? How did you know she was "mad"? Is there a chance your assessment is inaccurate?
2. It's too vague ("Went out to check on her") What did you actually do? Checking on someone can mean a million things.
3. It isn't factually accurate ("Literally was mean mugging me") Sigh, improper use of "literally". That aside, this doesn't paint a picture of what actually happened, and "mean mugging," while a socially acceptable term, isn't clear enough in this context.
4. It's attempting to read the intentions of others instead of their behavior ("She wanted me to keep her friend company") What happened that made you think this? If she said that, tell us what words she said, not what you think she meant.
This isn't just something that guys in the community do when recalling the events that happened while out at a bar.
It's a pattern that we all do when we tell ourselves stories about our lives.
We all have blind spots, but it's important to be objective about these blind spots by getting specific about behaviors. Whether you tell yourself "that interaction went well" or "that didn't go well," you're not being objective or accurate about the situation. You're letting your emotional interpretation control your view of what happened, rather than the events themselves.
Focus on the situation, not your interpretation of the situation.
Assess your progress from the facts, not how you feel. And most importantly, bounce your stories off others so they can keep your emotional interpretations in check and help you improve.
What to do next:
Reading this blog is a good first step to understanding female psychology, but most guys get caught in analysis paralysis mode by actually studying too much online content. It’s way more effective to study content that is custom tailored to your specific sticking points than reading random articles and watching self help videos. Men fall into three distinct buckets on their journey to attraction mastery.
Bucket 1 - Attraction Aspirant: You don’t consistently generate attraction. You might find yourself in a pattern where dates are rare, and when they do happen, they seldom lead to deeper connections or second dates. You’re conscious about your spending, wary of being perceived wrongly, and perhaps your style doesn’t quite express who you truly are.
Bucket 2 - Chase Changer: You generate attraction but you find yourself chasing the women you really want instead of getting them to chase you. You are uncertainty in making bold moves. While you're attractive and successful, translating that into dating confidence, especially with high-value women, remains a challenge. Self-sabotage and hesitancy can often be the barrier between you and the dating success you seek.
Bucket 3 - Selective Strategist: You find dating and initiating connections relatively easy, but the challenge lies in attracting those who truly excite and inspire you. It's about understanding the subtle dynamics of high-value dating and leveraging your strengths to create not just any connection but the right one.
To see which bucket you fail into and to get a tailored action plan to improve, answer these 10 quick questions.
