Why is rejection so scary?
Our society does a great job of instilling shame in men. Growing up as kids, and even into our adult lives, we’re told toxic messages that can hold us back for a lifetime.
Sometimes this shame originates from the people around us. Our parents or friends tell us these messages explicitly: that guy’s a player and you shouldn’t be like that. Or they could be more subtle messages from the media and movies: in order to get a girl to like you, you need to be nice and submissive.
People mean well when they give us this kind of advice. Despite their good intentions, they miss how these messages teach men that their desires are unacceptable, and that being masculine is a bad character trait. Compound this with all the men who have grown up without a strong father figure, and things get even worse.
As a result, men today are scared. They’re scared to approach beautiful women. They’re scared to be masculine for fear of stepping on toes. They’re scared to express who they really are. They’re afraid of meeting women. They live their lives devoid of meaningful companionships, opting instead for the comforting yet numb experiences of internet porn and video games. They walk on eggshells and don’t express themselves.
Men have become deathly afraid of getting rejected by women.
You don’t have to live this way.
It’s ok to be a sexual being.
It’s ok to want to sleep with hot women.
It’s ok to want to sleep with multiple women.
It’s ok to express your desires, feelings, and fears honestly and openly.
It’s ok to be rejected.
What’s the antidote for feeling scared and weak? It’s being a man and facing your fears head-on. With dating, that means getting rejected.
Learning to deal with rejection teaches you how to be a man. Part of being a confident, masculine being is accepting that sometimes things don’t go our way, and being composed when the inevitable disappointments occur.
Connection and companionship give more purpose and meaning to our lives than anything else. You must get rejected to find and create meaningful these relationships with women. Relationships are built on vulnerability. You can’t be vulnerable without risking rejection.
The ONLY way to get better with women is to get rejected more. I wish there was a “hack” or a way around it, but sorry, there just isn’t. Robbie is better with women than anyone you know because he has been rejected more times than anyone you know. And even a guy like Robbie will only expect to connect with about 3 or 4 women out of 10 during day game.
But if there was anything that’s close to a shortcut, it’s this:
The fear of rejection hurts more than actually getting rejected.
Anxiety doesn’t exist in the present moment. Anxiety is only something you feel about the future. When you’re actually feeling it in the present, it’s only fear, which is much easier to deal with. Any amount of fear is something you can and will live through.
The pain of rejection is a short-term experience. Pain is what you experience when you push yourself outside your comfort zone. Think of the struggle of a hard workout at the gym. It’s uncomfortable while you’re experiencing it, but it goes away. You become stronger as a result.
Our minds are amazingly skilled at (wrongly) anticipating how bad it would feel to get rejected. They jump to conclusions, and imagine the worst possible scenario where everyone is watching you, and where you’ll run into the girl you approached again and be embarrassed.
Fortunately, that’s not how it goes. A girl who isn’t interested moves on and forgets about the interaction. Unless you choose to ruminate on it, you do too. You learn something you can use next time. It’s never as bad as you expect it to be.
You will always thank yourself later for being vulnerable and improving your social skills.
There is rarely a downside to being assertive and asking for what you want. The happiest, most fulfilled men are the ones who go after everything they value in life, and it’s not a coincidence that these men are the ones that women are the most drawn to.
The men who get rejected the most are the ones who succeed the most, and so getting rejected is crucial to your dating success.
Adam says
March 21, 2017 at 3:10 PMGetting rejected is worse than the fear. I’ve been rejected by women for the last 18 years. The fear to my is meaningless now because I have never experienced success, just rejection.
Jeb says
December 11, 2018 at 11:35 PMI am sure some guys experience FULL rejection until he dies of old age. I was told by a gal, a friend of mine. Some people can’t get a date with any person in the world because its spiritually unattractive. I thought it is kind of BS!
Bill says
March 18, 2020 at 7:02 PMI agree with you. I find that with each rejection my expectation of success drops 10% each time. So I start with a 50% expectation of success. Rejected, then next time my expectation of success drops to 40%. Next time, expectation of success drop s to 30%. You get the point. Enough rejection and a guy’s expectation of a positive answer is zero. I amazed that guys keep asking as long as they do
Paul says
August 22, 2018 at 6:54 AMQuantify, please. How much rejection should a guy go through? I’ve been rejected EVERY time I asked a woman out for the last 20 years – not even one date. At this point, I’m throwing in the towel because it’s clear from my long experience that rejection is guaranteed every time.
Bill says
March 18, 2020 at 7:04 PMAfter 4-5 rejections my expectation of success goes to zero. Some guys need to get rejected hundreds of times but to me that is too many.
Doug says
July 11, 2019 at 7:21 AM“Fortunately, that’s not how it goes. A girl who isn’t interested moves on and forgets about the interaction. Unless you choose to ruminate on it, you do too. You learn something you can use next time. It’s never as bad as you expect it to be.” Seriously? Tell that to all the well-meaning, good men out there who have been falsely accused of sexual harassment for approaching women they found attractive but whom the women didn’t like.
Please stop giving this sort of advice. False accusations are even less often reported than actual harassment and this is why the numbers are so low. This is not a plea for MGTOW or anything like that – women put up with horrible treatment by men every day and the men who do those things should be dealt with under the law. But good men get falsely accused all the time – and their lives are ruined.
It’s not fear that stops me from approaching women. It’s pure logic from living on a university campus and the fact that if I approach a woman I’m attracted to and she doesn’t find me attractive, I risk being accused of sexual harassment. I won’t take that risk – because I am worth it.
Allen says
March 4, 2020 at 11:49 AM“Men have become deathly afraid of getting rejected by women.” No. Men have wisened up to the fact that approaching a woman is one step closer to a sexual harassment accusation against him. There are certainly lots of guys out there who do deserve to be negatively identified for the way they treat women. As a result, many women now assume every guy who approaches, says hello to, or smiles at, them does so with nefarious intentions. The best thing for a guy to do is to leave women alone and let them come to him. If no woman comes, it is safe for him to assume (as I d0) that no woman is interested in him.
Robbie says
March 5, 2020 at 5:00 PMI disagree, you just need to learn how to approach in a way that doesn’t trigger her negative harassment response. I can help you out, it’s very easy and fun.
Allen says
April 30, 2020 at 2:09 PMIt is neither easy nor fun knowing that rejection will always be guaranteed no matter what I do or how or where or when I do it. I’m not scared of rejection – it would always be a given so I don’t approach because I will be rejected every time. I have many women friends but never more – and no woman ever gives me a sign she wants more – so nothing ever happens.
Guest says
December 19, 2020 at 7:01 AMMost of these women are just very dumb to begin with, especially the ones that are real gold diggers and go after men that are much older than they’re just for the money. Real total losers that these women are altogether to begin with.
Jason says
December 29, 2020 at 9:19 PMI’m a man who lives with aspergers syndrome,and have experienced countless rejections,my confidence level is at 0,I can relate to some of the fears mentioned above,stalking,sex harrassment,etc!!!Even as far back as jr high,highscool!!!!!Teachers would literally call me out for even trying to ask someone out in class,even as a youngster my mom would frown on it,this was on top of being constantly ridiculed and bullied.Im now 44 years of age and am still single and starting think I should just stay that way and graciously accept it!!!!!!!