It’s a situation we’ve all been in: you recently met a girl and things seemed to click. You set up a date, and she either tells you she can’t make it, or cuts off any contact whatsoever aka “ghosts” you.
When a girl cancels a date, you may find yourself in a painful situation. But how do you react?
The worst thing you can do is to show that you are upset or angry. Guys often do this by texting something emotionally charged, or demanding an explanation for why she cancelled the date.
The best thing you can do is to show that you aren’t phased by it. Your response should be casual and nonchalant. The following work great:
- “All good”
- “Cool”
- Don’t respond and leave the message on “read.”
Guys who have options with women aren’t phased by a flake.
No one wants to feel guilt tripped into anything, especially a date, and reacting in a hostile emotional way will always hurt you in the long run. You might make her feel guilty and change her mind in the short term, but this type of manipulation will always undermine her attraction for you.
The more dating options you have, the less you’ll care about a flake.
But until you reach that point, if you are in this situation and feel upset, there isn’t really a way to talk yourself out of not feeling upset. Emotional self-talk doesn’t respond well to rational thought when you are in the heat of the moment.
That isn’t the point though. You don’t need to talk yourself out of the feeling; you just need to talk yourself out of acting on it. It’s okay to feel upset when she cancels a date. It happens to all of us and it’s a part of the human emotional experience.
If a similar situation arises in the future, recognize that you feel upset, recognize what action impulse you are experiencing as a result of that emotion (such as urge to text something you’ll regret), and don’t take that action.
This technique is the reason why it’s good advice to postpone sending a heated email until you’re no longer upset.
Emotions will throw you off if you take what they tell you literally. Take them as feedback about your comfort zone, not as an indicator of how you should behave. It’s the same phenomenon when you feel approach anxiety: the best way to handle it is to acknowledge that it’s there, don’t fight it, and do the opposite of what the emotion tells you to do. You feel the anxiety and approach anyway.
Practice mindfulness skills (being able to recognize your emotions in the moment you’re experiencing them) and take a pause instead of acting when you recognize an urge to send an emotionally charged text.
Should I delete her number?
No. Deleting her contact information is an emotional reaction because you feel rejected. Just let it go and maybe she’ll come back to you. Maybe she won’t, but at least give her the option to do so instead of allowing your current temporary emotional pain to get the best of you.
There’s always a chance she stops seeing whoever she’s currently talking to and hits you up in the future, so be cool and don’t burn your bridges.
Don’t take this kind of thing personally. There are a million reasons why she might cancel a date or not respond to you, and all you can do is focus on what you can control. It never pays to delete a number.
What you can do is be more skillful at asking for her number and be better at texting to increase your chances of getting her out on a date without flaking on you.
Sometimes it’s so painful but it’s true. Take a breather. I do this if I’m annoyed with someone in the real world too.
You must be the kinda guy who likes to watch. When she cancels she should.either reschedule or at least come up with an excuse….no matter how bad. Anything else I’d cuckville.
This article seems to assume that you’re still going to want to date the woman after she cancels on you, and all your actions should be guided by the need to keep her attracted to you. But is that how an in-demand alpha dude would react? Do whatever it takes to attract THIS woman, even if she flakes on you?
Exactly right man this is the answer I wanted as this is what I think too after reading the rational male books. A woman’s actions are sending you a message so listen to that rather than what she says. For example the girl I was gonna date cancelled cos of work which is fine food on her for working what the problem was is that she didnt try to re arrange or call to say sorry so her actions shows she’s not all that interested. So I’d that’s the case why bother she’s done me a favour not having to chase her. I think how would I cancel on a woman I really like. Also seeing that there are 24 hrs in a day and if she was keen she would say look I have work but I can see u for five mins after work then all good. The initial ‘date’ isn’t even a date as such its just a meet up like a walk in the park. If she’s too busy to meet uo for ten mins and then saying she’s got work all week and her availability is so low why bother. Like ya said man abundance mentality loads more out there who will bother so cut an run. An why would I keep the number of someone who doesnt seem assed? Not gonna make me feel very alpha in the long run having women who have all cancelled on me. I wanna see a list of women who would all never cancel or never cancel an not reschedule they are out there an I an hopefully u reading this will find em.
“Deleting her contact information is an emotional reaction because you feel rejected. Just let it go and maybe she’ll come back to you. Maybe she won’t, but at least give her the option to do so.”
Why does she deserve that option? Why are you encouraging people to do away with their self-respect to keep the door open for a woman who has CLEARLY COMMUNICATED HER AWFULNESS. In hopes of future pussy? Pussy is not that valuable — stop worshipping at its altar. There’s more dignity to jerking off alone that there is to being so desperate you allow entitled flakes second chances to walk all over you. This article is dogsh*t.
You’re not wrong.
Exactly
Beautiful!! let’s start a WOLF pack!!
What if the girl doesn’t give you a reason why she canceled the 2nd date she acted as if she was really interested. Even set the time for our 2nd date
Depends on the text she sent. Can you respond with the wording of her exact message?
We’ve been dating 7 weeks, she cancelled 1th date for a dinner at my house on a weeknight. She did give 4 hours notice. her text was this ;
“Hey . Look I have some stuff I’ve got to take care of this afternoon and I had forgot (daughter) had to stay over till 4:45 for math tutoring this afternoon which Is pushing me back on what I’ve got to do, So I’m not gonna be able to make tonight.. See you Soon tho..?”
It is disappointing but I don’t see this as a deal killer or negative really.
Like I said we’ve been out 10 dates, weekends mostly but a few weeknight dates.
What you think ?
I was currently asked to go to a younger woman’s house, to spend the weekend at her house, and she has been texting me saying she’s going to call but never has. So, I texted back to her the next day after she didn’t call me and asked her if the date was still on? What next.?
nothing, just don’t send a message and forget her. if she called or answered you then it’s ok, if not forget that this person even exists.
I’ve noticed something weird since the apocalypse hit. Before I could hop on any of the apps meet girls set up dates and everything seemed to go ok. I just finally jumped back into the dating world after a 6 month hiatus during the apocalypse. Over the last 4 weeks I’ve scheduled 19 dates 16 of those have cancelled. None for covid related reasons. I’m kind of baffled by what seems to be going on in the dating world right now.
Yes I agree completely. Women have become way more flakey. I think it’s due to the fact that there are way more perceived options with the rise in popularity of online dating, Instagram and also irrational behavior due to fear of Covid. Flaking seems much more culturally acceptable.
This girl cancelled the 1st date without a reason and without rescheduling, i replied its ok and went silent. The following day, she hits me up say at 11am and says we can meet that day…but does not give time or location of meet, i did not see the message until past 3pm ,and since i was busy i let her know i cannot make it with a short notice, she said ok and we’re both silent now. Should i have done or do anything different?
You should have responded with “when do you want to meet.” Then if she said 8pm but you weren’t free, you should have said “I can’t do it at that time tonight, when is the next time you’re free this week?” It’s your job to find out when she’s free, but don’t allow her to plan the date or choose a time that sucks. I have a texting guide called Magnetic Texting that explains all of this in further detail.
I bet you do…and a method that works all the time blah blah blah. Please gimmie a break! You need her to understand normal social etiquette. Dump her or she will never grow up!
I didn’t say I had a method that works for anything all the time. That doesn’t exist. When a girl flakes I typically next her unless I believe it is a genuine reason. If she tries to reschedule and is very proactive I usually give her one last chance.
This just happened to me right now. She cancelled our first date in last minute. She said that she has to practice for Christmas event at her church, and I guess she felt so sorry about it, because she said sorry twice in one text. Good news is that she wants to reschedule our date on next week and I replied with thanks for her intention to reschedule on this.
Sometimes it comes to mind that I’m weak, always in weak position because I got rejected so many times in my dating life and I want it so much to be happened just once, I can’t express my truly feeling (my anger) to those girls who rejected me because I still want them thinking that I’m a nice and kind-hearted person.
I’m not saying you should show your anger or be an asshole, but why do you care about the opinion of some random girl who doesn’t respect your time and flakes on you last minute. Why is it important she thinks of you as a kind hearted person? Wouldn’t you prefer she respects instead and figures out you’re a kind hearted person on her own over a series of dates? This is classic nice guy syndrome thinking. Watch my podcast with Dr. Roberto Glover
I’ve been seeing this girl for almost 2 months now. We’ve met twice already and were preparing to meet on Valentines’ day. She cancelled the day before and I haven’t read her text yet. (I have but in a way she couldn’t know that I have). The date’s tomorrow and I haven’t replied to her yet. What should i do?
It depends on why she cancelled. But canceling on Valentine’s Day is noth a good sign for a developing relationship. If you’ve been seeing her for 2 months it seems a bit strange to leave her on “unread” instead of simply trying to find out what she has to say and her reason for canceling. I would need more information to properly advise in this situation. I’d recommend you pick up a copy of my texting guide to improve your ability to communicate in these situations.
Got out of a nasty ltr of close to 8 years about 6 months ago. Taking my time getting back out their and got in touch with a girl who had always approached me when I was taken in the past and who we both agree have always had a strong connection to one another. Had a good first “date” (all things considered with COVID) she drove an hour to me, we got dinner, and she proceeded to pounce on me as soon as we were alone. IMO all systems seemed go when she left the next morning despite her having rushed things a little quicker than my liking the night before (the original intention was a walk and grub hub not her spending the night).
Fast forward 2 weeks and I’m in her area for work and I hit her up two days ahead and she agrees to meet for an actual dinner date.
Then morning of she tells me she got called in to work til 12 that night so no go.
I text back “no worries. Hope to see you soon”
No response for about a week now.
Hmmm. Not really sure what to make of this. Been out of the game for way too long. Is she ghosting for sure? Maybe embarrassed about her digs?
Back in college I would’ve loved this, but tbh now I’m kind of hurt and want a response but don’t want to ambush her with some clingy bs either.
Should I text her again?
I know I’m kind of short and a dick just saying no prob hope to see you soon. Meanwhile the stage 5 clinger from a dating site won’t leave me alone despite me having zero interest at all.
F my life!
I think the mistake here could have been waiting so long between dates 1 and 2, especially given how sexual things got right out of the gate. When you let a bunch of time pass after a sexual encounter like this you run the risk of the her feeling like a slut and you looking like a player. I like to schedule the second date after I’ve slept with a woman for no less than 4-5 days out. If we are intimate for the second time, then I might put her on a once a week schedule if I want to keep things casual and date other women. Waiting two weeks without even any texting in between was likely the cause of her change of heart. It also allows tons of time for other dudes to enter the picture and if she slept with you on date 1, she’s probably doing that with others.
You didn’t give her anything to respond to here, so a no response from her isn’t that outrageous. I would reach out to her and see how responsive she is via text. If she seems keen, setup another date. If not, it’s likely due to another guy in the picture and if you remain patient she’ll likely hit you up after that ends… if you still want her.
We have been dating for four months now.Things we’re going well for the first two months.She calls me first,she text me if I didn’t text her.she used to admit she was addicted to me.Suddenly,she stopped caring,she wasn’t bothered if I didn’t text or call.I noticed the decline in the relationship.Went on several dates in the last two months.Which was awesome.Then after that,the next dates were horrible.She insults me jokingly like calling me dummy during our last dates.Complaning unnecessary on irrelevant things.I text first,and only I call.I try keeping in touch with her because I love her.I called her recently and she was yelling like we had a quarrel before, ending the call I told her I loved her and her response was “I heard that” and that she wasn’t in a good mood.I informed her of a date a week earlier.And she cancelled the date all because she was busy.Now she is planning on rescheduling it.What should I do?is it over?if it’s over should I keep on checking on her?
It’s always important to look at a relationship in terms of investment. If both parties are investing equally you almost always have a great relationship. Inevitably investment tends to fluctuate due to events on either side and when that happens, it’s important how you respond because if you make the wrong move, it can make the situation much worse. In your situation for example, it seemed like she was investing more at first and you felt in control, but then her investment suddenly decreased and it made you anxious. The more anxious you got, the more her investment decreased and now you’re sliding down a slippery slope. You have two options.
1. Mirror her behavior. If she doesn’t invest, don’t invest either. This guards against looking needy but it’s also mentally exhausting if you’re in love with her and feels like a game. I would suggest this if maybe there is another guy in the picture or she’s simply an avoidant personality type.
2. Tell her that you don’t feel like she’s invested in the relationship to the level you are and it’s not working for you. Don’t blame her or make her wrong, just tell her that you’re not getting what you need out of the relationship and you have to walk away. This takes big balls and will show her that you won’t settle for something that you don’t want. It shows a lot of confidence and it could make he start to invest a hell of a lot more and realize the mistake she was making. We often don’t value things until they are not so easily available.
The worst thing is to continue doing what you’re doing which is allowing her to shit all over you because you’re not respecting yourself and she knows it. This will kill attraction forever.
If you’d like to setup a free phone call with me to discuss your dating strategy you can also apply for that as well on the Leverage page of this site and we could dive deeper into this likely pattern that’s super common amongst men. Wishing you luck…
I need help with this. I really tried to be cool and act like it wasn’t a big deal.
A woman who lives an hour away agreed to come see me because I had a hotel room and I wanted to take her out. She said she was doing a happy dance that I asked. She sent pics from the city during her girls night out and everything was great.
The next day she didn’t reply. She wasn’t online at all for 3 days. I actually started to worry. The day she was coming to
Visit, I finally got a message saying she lost her phone and was setting her accounts up. Aha said she was sorry she couldn’t make it. She was broke after buying the phone. My response was , “no worries, it’s all good.” I didn’t contact her for over a week. She liked my fb posts but didn’t reach out to me. I started to feel really hurt.
I sent her a messsge and told her I worries all day about her and don’t understand why she couldn’t have used someone tablet or phone to give me a heads up, then I could have cancelled the room. She responded saying it was a dumb idea for her to travel an hour to meet someone she hadn’t met in person before. Then she said that by the way I was talking to her, she had dodged a bullet by not seeing me.
I told her that I was in agony over her and I’m tired of the same bullshit every time so make plans.
Then I told her we have nothing more to say and best of Luck. Then I blocked her
On everything. Done. It hurts. I’m so sad
Because she was really cool. I just won’t tolerate people who think my time and feelings don’t matter.
Hey Brother,
I feel your pain in this situation and unfortunately, these situations are actually the norm given the parameters. You have to remember that women tend to be a bit more emotional and apt to change their minds and flake, especially when they realize a situation could be dangerous or awkward. Even though she agreed to the hotel room meeting, a woman is gonna flake on this date 99/100 because it’s too dangerous with a man she’s never met before.
In the moment when she agreed to it she was having fun and enjoying the interaction so her safety wasn’t a concern. But when confronted with the reality that she was going to actually meet a strange at a hotel room she understand the gravity of the situation and flaked. This is why you never want to plan expensive or elaborate first dates. The odds of a flake are way too high and then you’re left holding the bag and angry. That anger or saltiness will then cockblock you and prevent a future meeting.
This is a common mistake guys make when they really like a girl. You end up looking needy due to your over-investment and anger. Download the Perfect First Date Guide on this site and stick to the plan that’s laid out. If you’d like to setup a free phone call with me to discuss your dating strategy you can also apply for that as well on the Leverage page of this site.
Good luck and try to not make the same mistake again.
Hi,
Good article.
What would you do if you had 2 really good dates with a girl. She was all over you on the second date and wanted to spend the night at your place but couldn’t (her ride was on the way to pick her up). Then she texts you the next day saying she had a great time. You respond saying “I did too, give me a text if you want to do it again sometime”
A few days go by and she actually messages you asking if you are free to hang out on the following weekend, you set up a definite date which she agrees too. Then the day before your 3rd date she says;
“Hey I thought I texted earlier, I can’t make it tomorrow sorry”
I responded
“Hey, no worries.”
That was 10 days ago and I haven’t messaged her since.
Should I try to set up a date again? We really clicked on our second date and she was making out with me like I was going out of style lol
I can’t tell if I am being too stuborn wanting her to reach back out or if she thinks she suggested the last date so its my turn? even though she flaked with no reschedule..
I have never had a girl go from so hot to so cold without me doing something to fuck it up. I literally did nothing but set the next date which she sounded excited to go on
Hey Corey,
That’s a really annoying situation. My best guess is that something came up or another guy she was also interested came into her life which caused the flake and failure to reschedule. This is unfortunate and happens all the time and is no fault of either of you. While most women understand it’s their job to reschedule in this scenario, there is another percentage who are more passive and will still wait for you to do it. So the two scenarios are:
1. She’s not interested and that’s why she didn’t reach out to reschedule.
2. She’s still interested and waiting for you to do it.
I don’t think it’s a mistake to send another message since quite some time has gone by. I would reach out as though nothing happened and try to reengage her in conversation via text. If she seems responsive and interested, ask her out again. If she doesn’t, just be friendly but don’t extend and invite.
If there is another dude in the picture, odds are when that goes bad, she’ll reach back out to you and then you’ll be prime position as the one being pursued.
Glad to see so many men enlightened as to not incentivize this hyperg*my and the bullsh*t that comes with it. We aren’t toilet paper, we’re people just as they proclaim themselves to be, don’t be a tool; discard these women just as they have discarded you.