It’s a situation we’ve all been in: you recently met a girl and things seemed to click. You set up a date, and she either tells you she can’t make it, or cuts off any contact whatsoever aka “ghosts” you.
When a girl cancels a date, you may find yourself in a painful situation. But how do you react?
The worst thing you can do is to show that you are upset or angry. Guys often do this by texting something emotionally charged, or demanding an explanation for why she cancelled the date.
The best thing you can do is to show that you aren’t phased by it. Your response should be casual and nonchalant. The following work great:
- “All good”
- “Cool”
- Don’t respond and leave the message on “read.”
Guys who have options with women aren’t phased by a flake.
No one wants to feel guilt tripped into anything, especially a date, and reacting in a hostile emotional way will always hurt you in the long run. You might make her feel guilty and change her mind in the short term, but this type of manipulation will always undermine her attraction for you.
The more dating options you have, the less you’ll care about a flake.
But until you reach that point, if you are in this situation and feel upset, there isn’t really a way to talk yourself out of not feeling upset. Emotional self-talk doesn’t respond well to rational thought when you are in the heat of the moment.
That isn’t the point though. You don’t need to talk yourself out of the feeling; you just need to talk yourself out of acting on it. It’s okay to feel upset when she cancels a date. It happens to all of us and it’s a part of the human emotional experience.
If a similar situation arises in the future, recognize that you feel upset, recognize what action impulse you are experiencing as a result of that emotion (such as urge to text something you’ll regret), and don’t take that action.
This technique is the reason why it’s good advice to postpone sending a heated email until you’re no longer upset.
Emotions will throw you off if you take what they tell you literally. Take them as feedback about your comfort zone, not as an indicator of how you should behave. It’s the same phenomenon when you feel approach anxiety: the best way to handle it is to acknowledge that it’s there, don’t fight it, and do the opposite of what the emotion tells you to do. You feel the anxiety and approach anyway.
Practice mindfulness skills (being able to recognize your emotions in the moment you’re experiencing them) and take a pause instead of acting when you recognize an urge to send an emotionally charged text.
Should I delete her number?
No. Deleting her contact information is an emotional reaction because you feel rejected. Just let it go and maybe she’ll come back to you. Maybe she won’t, but at least give her the option to do so instead of allowing your current temporary emotional pain to get the best of you.
There’s always a chance she stops seeing whoever she’s currently talking to and hits you up in the future, so be cool and don’t burn your bridges.
Don’t take this kind of thing personally. There are a million reasons why she might cancel a date or not respond to you, and all you can do is focus on what you can control. It never pays to delete a number.
What you can do though is be better at texting to increase your chances of getting her out on a date without flaking on you.
David says
February 25, 2015 at 11:21 PMSometimes it’s so painful but it’s true. Take a breather. I do this if I’m annoyed with someone in the real world too.
Mark says
October 25, 2020 at 3:01 PMYou must be the kinda guy who likes to watch. When she cancels she should.either reschedule or at least come up with an excuse….no matter how bad. Anything else I’d cuckville.
J.D. says
February 26, 2015 at 10:16 AMThis article seems to assume that you’re still going to want to date the woman after she cancels on you, and all your actions should be guided by the need to keep her attracted to you. But is that how an in-demand alpha dude would react? Do whatever it takes to attract THIS woman, even if she flakes on you?
Matt says
July 13, 2018 at 3:13 AMExactly right man this is the answer I wanted as this is what I think too after reading the rational male books. A woman’s actions are sending you a message so listen to that rather than what she says. For example the girl I was gonna date cancelled cos of work which is fine food on her for working what the problem was is that she didnt try to re arrange or call to say sorry so her actions shows she’s not all that interested. So I’d that’s the case why bother she’s done me a favour not having to chase her. I think how would I cancel on a woman I really like. Also seeing that there are 24 hrs in a day and if she was keen she would say look I have work but I can see u for five mins after work then all good. The initial ‘date’ isn’t even a date as such its just a meet up like a walk in the park. If she’s too busy to meet uo for ten mins and then saying she’s got work all week and her availability is so low why bother. Like ya said man abundance mentality loads more out there who will bother so cut an run. An why would I keep the number of someone who doesnt seem assed? Not gonna make me feel very alpha in the long run having women who have all cancelled on me. I wanna see a list of women who would all never cancel or never cancel an not reschedule they are out there an I an hopefully u reading this will find em.
Slobberknocker says
August 1, 2020 at 4:30 PM“Deleting her contact information is an emotional reaction because you feel rejected. Just let it go and maybe she’ll come back to you. Maybe she won’t, but at least give her the option to do so.”
Why does she deserve that option? Why are you encouraging people to do away with their self-respect to keep the door open for a woman who has CLEARLY COMMUNICATED HER AWFULNESS. In hopes of future pussy? Pussy is not that valuable — stop worshipping at its altar. There’s more dignity to jerking off alone that there is to being so desperate you allow entitled flakes second chances to walk all over you. This article is dogsh*t.
Robbie says
August 2, 2020 at 7:53 AMYou’re not wrong.
Mark says
October 25, 2020 at 3:02 PMExactly
Tipton says
January 21, 2019 at 1:45 PMWhat if the girl doesn’t give you a reason why she canceled the 2nd date she acted as if she was really interested. Even set the time for our 2nd date
Robbie says
January 21, 2019 at 2:15 PMDepends on the text she sent. Can you respond with the wording of her exact message?
Mike says
January 22, 2019 at 1:42 PMWe’ve been dating 7 weeks, she cancelled 1th date for a dinner at my house on a weeknight. She did give 4 hours notice. her text was this ;
“Hey . Look I have some stuff I’ve got to take care of this afternoon and I had forgot (daughter) had to stay over till 4:45 for math tutoring this afternoon which Is pushing me back on what I’ve got to do, So I’m not gonna be able to make tonight.. See you Soon tho..?”
It is disappointing but I don’t see this as a deal killer or negative really.
Like I said we’ve been out 10 dates, weekends mostly but a few weeknight dates.
What you think ?
James says
March 26, 2019 at 6:02 PMI was currently asked to go to a younger woman’s house, to spend the weekend at her house, and she has been texting me saying she’s going to call but never has. So, I texted back to her the next day after she didn’t call me and asked her if the date was still on? What next.?
mazyar says
August 14, 2020 at 3:32 AMnothing, just don’t send a message and forget her. if she called or answered you then it’s ok, if not forget that this person even exists.
Michael says
October 3, 2020 at 2:35 PMI’ve noticed something weird since the apocalypse hit. Before I could hop on any of the apps meet girls set up dates and everything seemed to go ok. I just finally jumped back into the dating world after a 6 month hiatus during the apocalypse. Over the last 4 weeks I’ve scheduled 19 dates 16 of those have cancelled. None for covid related reasons. I’m kind of baffled by what seems to be going on in the dating world right now.
Robbie says
October 4, 2020 at 3:54 AMYes I agree completely. Women have become way more flakey. I think it’s due to the fact that there are way more perceived options with the rise in popularity of online dating, Instagram and also irrational behavior due to fear of Covid. Flaking seems much more culturally acceptable.
Reject says
October 23, 2020 at 6:23 AMThis girl cancelled the 1st date without a reason and without rescheduling, i replied its ok and went silent. The following day, she hits me up say at 11am and says we can meet that day…but does not give time or location of meet, i did not see the message until past 3pm ,and since i was busy i let her know i cannot make it with a short notice, she said ok and we’re both silent now. Should i have done or do anything different?
Robbie says
October 25, 2020 at 7:26 AMYou should have responded with “when do you want to meet.” Then if she said 8pm but you weren’t free, you should have said “I can’t do it at that time tonight, when is the next time you’re free this week?” It’s your job to find out when she’s free, but don’t allow her to plan the date or choose a time that sucks. I have a texting guide called Magnetic Texting that explains all of this in further detail.
Mark says
October 25, 2020 at 3:05 PMI bet you do…and a method that works all the time blah blah blah. Please gimmie a break! You need her to understand normal social etiquette. Dump her or she will never grow up!
Robbie says
October 25, 2020 at 5:50 PMI didn’t say I had a method that works for anything all the time. That doesn’t exist. When a girl flakes I typically next her unless I believe it is a genuine reason. If she tries to reschedule and is very proactive I usually give her one last chance.
Joy Tobness says
October 24, 2020 at 10:47 PMThis just happened to me right now. She cancelled our first date in last minute. She said that she has to practice for Christmas event at her church, and I guess she felt so sorry about it, because she said sorry twice in one text. Good news is that she wants to reschedule our date on next week and I replied with thanks for her intention to reschedule on this.
Sometimes it comes to mind that I’m weak, always in weak position because I got rejected so many times in my dating life and I want it so much to be happened just once, I can’t express my truly feeling (my anger) to those girls who rejected me because I still want them thinking that I’m a nice and kind-hearted person.
Robbie says
October 25, 2020 at 7:23 AMI’m not saying you should show your anger or be an asshole, but why do you care about the opinion of some random girl who doesn’t respect your time and flakes on you last minute. Why is it important she thinks of you as a kind hearted person? Wouldn’t you prefer she respects instead and figures out you’re a kind hearted person on her own over a series of dates? This is classic nice guy syndrome thinking. Watch my podcast with Dr. Roberto Glover