How Do I Escape The Friend Zone?

A client, Ben recently asked me:

“I'm planning out a date with an old casual friend from my hometown, where I've been staying for a few months.

I recently got out of a 5 year relationship and looking forward to dating again.

I've somewhat had a crush on her. I always had an older brother-sister frame with her. I want to use this harmless coffee to take a step beyond the friendship dynamic.

I know I need to do this very smoothly so there is no weirdness and end up creeping her out.”

Hey Ben, let's dive into the friend zone—a place where many men have found themselves but few talk about with the clarity it deserves.

You're not the average Joe; you're a seasoned player in the game of life. You've navigated the nightlife scenes of LA and NYC, you've got the social skills, and you've tasted success.

But here's the twist:

You're fresh out of a relationship, and the dating scene's rules seem to have shifted on you. So, you're planning to catch up with an old friend over coffee. She's someone you've known for a while, someone you've shared laughs and life updates with, but there's always been this undercurrent of attraction, at least on your end.

Now, you're looking to change the game, to steer this casual coffee into something more. But how do you do it without coming off as desperate or, worse, creeping her out?

Here's the deal: escaping the friend zone isn't about grand gestures or dramatic confessions. It's about strategy, finesse, and a little bit of social psychology.

Let's break it down.

What's the best way to get out of the friends zone?

Escaping the friend zone is all about changing the dynamic of your relationship with this person. It's crucial to shift how you interact with them and how they perceive you.

Here are the general steps to escape the friends zone:

1. **Increase Your SMV (Sexual Market Value):** You've got the looks, the brains, and the bank account. But it's time to up the ante. Hit the gym, not just for the physique, but for the endorphins. Dress like you're the lead in your own movie because, in many ways, you are. Engage in activities that make you come alive, be it coding a new app or catching the perfect wave. This isn't just about her; it's about you and the magnetic life you lead.

2. **Create Scarcity:** You're a busy guy, splitting your time between the lush landscapes of Costa Rica and the never-sleeping streets of NYC. Use that to your advantage. Be less available. Make her wonder what you're up to when you're not around. Scarcity creates value, and you, my friend, are a valuable commodity.

3. **Flirt with Others:** You're in the top 1%, and it's time she sees that. When you're out, let your charm shine. Flirt, laugh, and be the man everyone wants to know. This isn't about making her jealous; it's about showing her what she could have.

4. **Break the Pattern:** Change up the dynamic. You've been the older brother figure, now it's time to be the man who can ignite her passion. Set boundaries, and switch from being her confidant to someone who excites her.

5. **Direct Communication:** Eventually, you might have to lay your cards on the table. It's risky, but it's also honest. And if the feeling isn't mutual, it's better to know so you can move on with dignity.

6. **Be Prepared to Walk Away:** This is the hardest part, but sometimes it's necessary. If she can't see you as more, then perhaps it's time to invest your time and energy elsewhere. Remember, the friend zone is often a result of being too available and not creating enough attraction.

But let's get real for a second. Going after a girl from your past because it feels like an easy win is like picking the low-hanging fruit—it might not be as sweet as you hope. It's a common trap for guys who haven't embraced abundance. The friend zone often happens to men who haven't been upfront about their intentions, who linger in the background hoping for a change of heart.

Here's a different angle: Keep her in YOUR friend zone.

She knows you are both out of a relationship and it's going to look super telegraphed and desperate on your part if you try to pursue her romantically. You'll likely fail, look like a huge idiot/douche/loser, and also end up ruining the friendship.

Damaging a long-term friendship is really dumb because cool, attractive girls will usually have others just like them who they can hook you up with.

You're much better off going this route and letting her make an obvious move on you once she's attracted to you when you’ve followed the six steps above. You might think there's something there in her mind, but you aren't capable of being objective here to make that assessment. That’s not a knock on you, nobody in your shoes could do it either.

Hang out with her, connect and treat her like a friend. The less sleazy romantic and flirty you are, the better. Treat her like your little sister and bust her balls as you would with a little sister.

Attempt to see her another time soon in a group situation.

Don't ask her out on anything that seems like a date.

You're finally single! Now you can daygame and use the IC Community how it's designed, instead of trying to go for the "seemingly easy layups" with girls from your past. I promise it's way more difficult than meeting new girls, and the downside severely outweighs the upside when things inevitably turn awkward and jeopardize the friendship.

The bigger picture here is that guys with a scarcity mentality, who haven't hit on enough women, are the ones who get "friend-zoned." 

It's a result of guys being attracted to a girl but not having the courage to announce their intentions, then when they do girl says "no" and they follow her around hoping she will come around one day. I'm not saying this is the case with you, but guys who do this are dishonest and pathetic.

Don't pursue every woman you meet. Instead befriend them, THEN YOU ARE PUTTING HER IN THE FRIEND ZONE.

Eventually some of the girls you befriend will want to date you, they'll introduce you to their friends, and your life will be better.

Stop saying that stupid phrase "friend zone," because it's holding you back. Make friends, be casual, work hard, have fun, and turn your brain chatter off.

Just build regular normal two-way friendships. If you want a girl, ask her out. If she says no, move on. Voila- all your problems are solved.

Remember, switching up how you act around them and how you live your life can shift their perception of you. Have you tried any of these strategies yet? How comfortable are you with making these changes?